Batya33

Kim I wanted to tell you this story - I was a 20 something intern at a huge company. Early 90s There were about 20 of us -same age-ish. One of them massively flirted with me and was very very handsome. And even a little younger than me. I was totally single. It was obvious to everyone he was flirting. So one day I asked him if he wanted to go for lunch during the workday -just to the pizza place down the block. He said yes. And - once outside the office -he was - stiff/awkward -and then mentioned his girlfriend at lunch. I never described it as a date and I didn't make a fool out of myself -but there you go -who the heck knows what the deal with him was -I was just glad I found out before I felt embarrassed.

How close are you with your childhood friend? Who is paying for the prom? If he still wants to go -go and go and have fun and have no expectations beyond a fun and memorable night.

I can totally see that -since I was born into this environment and always lived this way I actually don't like when it's too quiet and I'm good at navigating around huge crowds of people. As I get older I'm more sensitive to loud/sudden noises especially in our apartment -my teenager, etc. And all of a sudden I noticed -in a negative way -all the crowds when I was pushing a stroller in my 40s!

OP I don’t think he’s interested in dating you or having a personal relationship outside the office. But I think he likes being work friends and making new work friends.

Oh that sounds lovely ! We live in the middle of a bustling active neighborhood in a major city . I’ve never lived for more than a few months at a time in any different environment. And only a few times.

I think it’s GREAT that you followed up with the comment you did about the nearby bar. Whatever the outcome. Good for you.

With rare exception I don’t think sexual touching to initiate sex is appropriate when the person is sleeping.

I've did the same when I moved 9 miles from my parents home into the major heart of the city instead of in a borough and was totally worth it -same reasons. And we now live with our son in a 2 bedroom/2 bath instead of a large house for very similar reasons. I'm glad you made that choice! The gorgeous park down the block which is a lot like Central Park in NYC is the backyard we share with thousands and we too are in the middle of a restaurant and shopping and arts and culture area -all within walking distance like yours. Enjoy!

She wrote later on that she told him in advance not to do that.

That's not at all what I meant by it. I mean if a committed couple is sharing a bed and they typically get sexual when sharing a bed then a person who doesn't wish to should probably let his or her partner know that there's a change in their routine. Obviously if the person touches the other person in a sexual way and the other person says - not tonight darling -that's NO. I don't think there's a problem with one person touching another in bed if their routine is to get affectionate in bed. I don't ask my husband permission before I kiss him goodnight. I agree totally with what you wrote. Now the OP says she told him in advance clearly what her boundaries were which he violated. I feel badly for her.

He shouldn't be all out groping when you're asleep. A hug or a gentle touch on the shoulder or face - I mean sure that can happen accidentally too like footsies lol. But he acted in a very aggressive and offensive way IMO. I'm so sorry!

OK thanks for the information!

I didn't see where she asked him and she physically turned away - but if she asked him yes of course.

Especially since you seem to be overly cautious about dating this is wayyy too much time to think about and talk about a person who behaves this way. It’s like when I get a Facebook request from a man I don’t know. Depending on his profile I either block immediately or ask him how he knows me or if he knows my husband. If it checks out I accept. If not I block. I don’t analyze why a person is randomly trying to connect with me, what could be wrong with him for doing so etc. Same with let’s say interviewing for a new job. Do you spend time after an off interview analyzing why it seemed fishy oe why the person may have behaved oddly or inappropriately? If you want a new job you move on asap to greener pastures and leave the analyzing to a therapist or some business analyst. If you truly want to be open and reasonably positive and reasonably approachable don’t waste time on feeding your generalized suspicions of relationships by focusing on some person with obviously questionable ethics and social skills - understatement. JMHO.

Attraction in the sense of wanting arm candy- you prize being with someone who has certain physical features -is different from chemistry -to me chemistry is essential. And often is related to what someone looks like but not always and not always to any real extent. My husband and I are 57. We are not hot looking. Last night we were at a dinner party and - unusually -we were able to sit as a couple while our teenage son sat at the "teenager table" instead of with us -so it felt like a date to us. We held hands for part of the time laughed in a way that with our son would not have been the same sort of couple laughter, etc. No I didn't feel like sneaking upstairs to have sex with him but after knowing him since the mid 90s and being together and married this time over 15 years I still think that sense of clicking/attraction/chemistry is essential- it's the glue that keeps our marriage healthy. We had intense zazaza stuff when we first got back together and many many times throughout our "courtship" but because we're confident in the core of attraction and chemistry to me anyway you don't have to feel that level of intensity to know you're with the right person romantically (yes, at times I still feel that way and I can totally go back to that time in my head and know it was real and is real) and you don't have to think "wow she's hot!!!" to feel chemistry . Certainly being repulsed is no good but feeling that overall chemistry doesn't require a focus on physical features -more like -to me - a "noticing" like noticing your partner is attractive looking, noticing his eyes, and sure I don't mind that at my age I'm physically fit and slim and cute enough and sure it's nice when he compliments me (and I do the same). Be brutally honest with yourself - how important are physical features to you - and consider in a long term relationship what if she loses those particular physical features -maybe gets a bit flabbier, doesn't lose baby weight for a few years, gets age spots or wrinkles and isn't into botox or potions. It's totally fine if you are a person who is very focused on certain physical features just like some people are very focused on certain sexual positions or ways of having sex -but your priorities will help you pick better and always be open to reevaluating your priorities. This woman deserves someone who thinks she's all that - and you don't -let her go. IMHO.