Batya33

Have you ever been to his home? Have you been to events involving him and his child? Do you meet up with his parents and friends? Why did it matter that she had feelings for him and how do you know when those feelings arose? Perhaps she chose not to act on them or even tell him? You feel what you feel. You chose to get involved where you really couldn't be fully involved in his life (but that's also why I asked how involved you were with his family which will provide some of the information I think is needed here IMO).

I have no interest in being right. I didn't quote your post and for sure it inspired mine. Both are true -I didn't quote because my sharing wasn't meant to be in conflict with your sharing or to debate or argue and I know you meant the same by referring to mine. The OP most often does not choose to have an open mind either when she posts or apparently in the situations she describes. We all have a level of bias, of perspective, we all bring our baggage and it depends on the extent, the extreme to which we choose to let it effect us and many can choose to notice the bias and firmly choose to put it the heck aside to show up for a friend. I recently made an extremely "what! no mom would do that!" choice (nothing remotely harmful to our son -maybe even a really positive thing for him!)- and it was interesting the attitudes - those who know me and wanted to be supportive responded based on me -not based on what a "good mom" would do - or asked questions -curious not furious - and those with stereotypical notions of Mom and Shoulds responded with the whole slippery slope stuff. As it turned out -wow -just what the doctor ordered for me and I'll know in the next day or so whether our son truly was more than fine -he seems so! If the OP had been my friend -I know most likely I'd have lied to her - if at all possible - because I'd have felt too vulnerable about telling her my choice and that I had done something "most moms" would not do. So she would be a friend i had stricter boundaries with - and I bet her vibe and attitude erodes the closeness with her friends in similar ways. She probably has no idea what really goes on with a number of her friends as the risk of sharing isn't worth the -um- vibe.

I had countless sleepovers before having sex ever and before having sex with a new boyfriend and we talked about it before while fully dressed. Very simple like "I am so glad you're sleeping over and I'm not ready to have sex with you yet." No mind reading needed. No man ever declined. No man who I'd been dating for a month by then -ever tried to get me to have sex with him and many of them weren't ready yet either. If we were already having sex and I didn't want to or couldn't have sex that night (like on my period/not feeling great but not contagiousl lol) same thing - he still slept in the same bed and no intercourse. I mean couples share a bed all the time when they have a newborn and can't have intercourse yet and/or the woman is simply post-birth too darn exhausted especially "down there." Men aren't animals - neither are women -humans can desire sex strongly and be right in the face of temptation and make a different choice. Happens all the time. And it's not leading or or mean or teasing or depriving with simple and honest communication. But verbal is best.

I don't think wanting others to live your life as you do means you are happy with your own life -it might have no connection at all. I am very happy with certain of my choices like my exercise routine, certain professional choices, certain parenting choices -and, first I never try to impose them on anyone - because even if -even if -I was convinced one of my choices could make someone else very happy - I would not be happy with myself at all -including happy with how I was living my own life- for either coming across as judging by imposing or "strongly suggesting" they do what I do - or for giving myself a pass for "well I just care about him/her SOOO much that I had to tell him/her to try what I do. I think people who are happy with their choices with rare exception are quietly calm and confident about it and often recognize how individual it is -the choices and the happiness. And are rarely defensive and often have humility and don't brag. I think this all applies to Alex - perhaps -speculating! -her friends can sense the judgment vibe, her friends tire of the braggy comments. Or the humble brag comments. Or the implied comparison comments. I used to go to my neighbor's house downstairs -two really young kids- most often with my young kid but not always if he was at school etc and I'd walk in and simply say straight out. Hi. I'm here. Go shower. No big show of it -just "k. go shower." It's -really freeing for a mom to have that 15-20 minutes or so to shower with no distractions. I went over to a woman I didn't know who had: lots of packages from shopping, one whining baby in the stroller and a toddler who did NOT want to leave the park and was very very loud. The mom was off to the side clearly overwhelmed and clearly embarassed. My child was playing and older. She didn't know me. I walked over and said to her quietly - so the toddler wouldn't hear "hey -if you need help with the packages I can keep them on the bench right here while you get the kids settled." I knew she wouldn't want a stranger near her children. She declined and a couple of minutes later, finally leaving the park she stopped by and quietly thanked me. Alex that's all it takes most often to be a human and show up as you are - open, genuine, blank slate sort of so the person knows you are there with friendship, support, neutrality at their choices or situation. No air of superirority or judgment or statements to the effect of "Ohhhhh I've been there when I can't even shower/when I'm soo overwhelmed I know JUST how you feel!!!! I'm here and I'm going to [fill in the blank]." If you show up without expecting a reward, with basic simplicity, the sort of invisible helping hand people will come to you with the same openness and feel safe with you. Your friends don't feel safe with you. One false move and they will be judged in some way. While you gleefully hand them the homemade cookies you slaved over.

What ground rules did you set before you shared a bed with him? I think the gray area here is you didn't say no, or similar and you stayed in the bed. I lived in a studio apartment -why not sleep on the floor at that point or on your couch if you have one? Since you'd been intimate before and you were in bed together perhaps he didn't read your physical signals properly. Also is he constantly making sexual comments? What kind? Does he want sex or intimacy? Sometimes there is a big difference.

Definitely this and you especially don't want to be noticed doing this -especially by this woman! I hope you feel better.

My husband only has twitter -his FB account is dormant and was created many years ago only to add a few people he wanted to keep up with from other countries. I perceive it as strange when certain people harangue me for why I don't post photos of our son or photos of our vacations.

Your friends who are mothers have a job too. I have to get my son to his bus stop by 7:40am and it's a mile walk. If we miss it there are options that are really inconvenient and/or $$$$ (thanks to a rideshare company now driving minors on their own -he's 15). Anyway my husband is -awesome-and has offered many times if needed to drive him to the bus stop. This would involve him getting up 2-3 hours earlier, and he very often has to drive far out to the school for afternoon carpool. Therefore, I severely limit when I impose (terrible weather, an important medical appointment, etc) and meeting a friend for breakfast likely would not be one of those times unless it was a really special occasion or my husband insisted (he loves when I get to see friends from our hometown). Getting my son to this stop is my morning work and it has a specific time and deadline. I wouldn't take kindly to a person judging me or questioning why my husband can't get up that early and/or why I can't just spend the $30 or so for the rideshare. Because I wouldn't question someone who said they like to be at their desk by a certain time because their boss prefers in that way.

I think every relationship is between two individuals with individual traits/personalities etc. When I was dating the structure of traditional dating and dating for the purpose of finding a serious relationship - as opposed to dating just for fun which is totally fine and more than fine - but the structure of traditional dating gave individuals an outer structure within which they could be their own individual selves - that way by using the known structure it prevented a lot of overthinking, not being on the same page, etc. - with rare exception everyone knew what going steady/being exclusive/calling each other bf/gf/SO meant. Within that structure the couple might decide to change what it meant to them. A number of my friends wrote their own wedding vows -we didn't -but again - there's a general structural understanding of the meaning of the wedding vows even if the two individuals decide that in their specific situation it might include other meanings or exclude typical meanings. Same sort of thing with The Talk.

I mean no it's common sense -do you treat your friends that way -it's basic common sense so please take ownership and don't try to justify based on experience -if you don't you're likely to justify it again -just imagine if you run into a man who finds out what you did and is very angry and retaliates- not talking physical violence even but obviously he knows where you live, has access to you and can make life extremely unpleasant for you. Again if you only want a label go find someone who feels that way about relationships -get the label and trot him around as MY BOYFRIEND! or whatever label you choose and then wonder what the meaning is. How you refer to each other is a shorthand way of expressing a commitment, serious intentions, likely love and caring. If you "lack experience" in choosing how to react to feelings of insecurity or fear such that you choose to react by trying to trick or manipulate people I'd avoid dating anyone until you feel secure that even if you are tempted to do what you did -you won't do so and you don't give yourself a pass for what you chose to do. Get experience by doing the internal work -notice how you react to uncomfortable situations, the choices you ultimately make - notice it and show yourself through daily experiences even that you choose to do what is right even if it is harder to do. It's really not about dating -it's about how you treat other humans.

Me too and same.

LOL because it's a free country. Maybe he's bored. You can't possibly think it's any sort of relevant sign about actual feelings -do you? I think what will be freeing is when you stop considering why he does anything in life or doesn't do anything in life. Don't you have better things to do? It's Earth Day -maybe do something nice for the Earth? I followed my ex by accident on Linkedin -literally meant to click on the suggested profile next to his. A few days later he accepted my request (back then I didn't even know I could delete my request). So now we're Linkedin. I hope he and his wife never gave it any thought as to why. We've had zero contact on Linkedin and this is years. Why do I think he accepted my accidental request -I don't know nor did I dwell on it.

Thanks for sharing and unrelated to what I tried to contribute to this post from a month ago.

Also you didn't just want a label -you wanted to know if he sees serious potential in you. Two very different things. I agree with Canuck - testing him is a very bad idea. It was obvious to me from your first post you weren't asking him because you knew the answer. He of course can keep his options open and what he did in responding was not disloyal in the least. I'd avoid those games in the future and your friend who suggested it -both of you justify this sort of trickery- so watch your back. Also if you have to nag or debate someone into showing they care by contacting you please know that's not a good sign. Healthy is two people who like to be in touch and see each other roughly the same amount with tweaking necessary in unusual times - being out of town for work or vacation, being ill, taking care of an ill friend or family member, stressful work deadline -a healthy relationship withstands unusual times because of a basis of trust -there's no need to argue immaturely who is "busier" - I was ridiculously busy when I dated for over 20 years and I only got serious with extremely busy, ambitious men. When it mattered we made the time -simple as that.

Tonight your are safe. Be safe in the morning by packing up ASAP and getting the heck out of there. I realize you have a job in your new area so for now find a safe place like at a shelter -temporarily and if you have the means to move close to your family I'd prioritize that if at all possible. Take care.