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Chelsea54

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  1. Why are you telling me about someone trying to match you up with your old flame? I am telling you to go for it if that’s what you want. It’s as if you want to know if I’ll be hurt to know you have a new gf while at the same time not owning your own actions to make that happen. It’s weird. Go for it. I am over you. No feelings like that at all. It’s good for me to recognize that those feelings can fade away to nothing. It takes time and other life pursuits.
  2. Let me just realize that your lack of attention two nights in a row, yes, is hurtful, but it’s so common from you now, that I’m now bored of it. I realize now that While I know it’s sad, I’m not feeling the sad. I’m not crying. I’ve been crying off and on for a year about this stuff. I think I’m just worn out, pissed off and bored with you. There’s no amount of effort from me that’s going to work. Effort from you that I can see and feel will be needed. You are not earning the love that I offer. I offer it freely without you earning it. But I think you should give effort to maintain and grow it with me if you value it.
  3. And you—why are we friends? You broke up with me. Always tell me about how your situations are worse than they were before. We can go without seeing each other as friends for over a year. You would’ve been better off if we had stayed together, but I’m pretty sure I would’ve been worse off. So thank you for breaking up with me. I had been considering it for months beforehand. I’m feeling that the way our relationship went has lead me to justify bad behavior in my current relationship. At least I can see it. Anyway. I wish you the best. We really don’t need to carry on if you think you’re making me feel better. I had thought we were in a mutually supportive friend zone. And we have been. But....
  4. Why should this be so confusing to me after this much time? I am not getting enough of you for this to be a relationship. You keep saying we’re going to get together and then we don’t. I’m trying to read your actions and call it out like I see and feel it. I suggest that we shouldn’t carry on but you always always so we should stay together. But how are we together if we’re not in person. I told you that I love you. You didn’t reciprocate. You said that is for in person. You don’t express how you feel. I ask you. You don’t or can’t tell me. I’m starting to wonder if you have asbergers.
  5. 2 talks ago--was a nice discussion except for the part where when I asked you if we're considering ever getting back & you gave me a maybe--sounding like I'm silly for asking and that makes you uncomfortable. Next you call me for a nice talk during your break and end the call with the I love you's and extremely sweet tones that were like when we first started dating. So--I almost feel like if I'm to be logical then I should be hoping. But I'm not. I feel numb. I'm done with being in misery. I'm bored. I'm still hurt. I don't know how we fit back together if at all. If we do get back together it's going to be on your effort. I'm done trying for now.
  6. I miss you. I'm still sorting contradictions out. You answering that "maybe"??? we would get back together sounded so incredibly remote. I know that any man who wanted me would never answer like that. Despite the parts of your reasoning about external factors, the break up was a rejection of me. Plain and simple. If we do ever get back, how am I going to trust any stability? I'm going to get a better job. I'll move on with self improvement for myself, for the sake of distraction, so that I can be proud of myself when I do talk to you, and so that if eventually I find someone else or get back with you I won't have these same doubts about myself or the same things I've put off from accomplishing. I wish I still was talking and texting with you every day. I wish that we never broke up. I want to share my life with someone. Someone who is special and precious to me. I held you in that space. I have to learn to let you go.
  7. If you think those are reasons, then by all means, keep believing it. I can't change your mind. You've made these things into reasons, where they weren't in the beginning. You knew BEFORE we met in person what my responsibilities are and that I wouldn't have free entire weekends with you. For a while we were having a great time and it was working. I guess a few moths in it must have hit you that what I said was true. And why is this about me? You're just as, if not much more unavailable than I am, but not just for time, but also for tlc. I'm not typing all of that out. It's not about me. It's about you. You misrepresented yourself from the start, yet I accepted it. Near the end, you brought out a few other major surprise clarities. Thanks. So, there I was, still loving you. Those things that I don't like that I accepted I do take on as my fault because I evaded the arguments they deserved. And then a few weeks later, a twist in a simple conversation that wasn't even an argument, and you say we should break up, let's just be friends. What? I thought I'm being the good guy, hanging on, cause we were going to get back to the good stuff, right? And because as you still tell me to this day-- that you love me and I love you back, so we were holding on to that. How many times during arguments did I finally have a backbone in my life and in telling you what I really truly felt--and if this wasn't going to work, then we should break up? And you never wanted to end us. And you wanted to stay. And so did I. You said always & forever, neither of us ever again with another person. Just us. You made me consider if I want to ever get married again. Now I know that I do if I meet someone who is right for me or if things become right between you and me, then I want the stability and trust of marriage. Basically, the only way I can see it rekindling or working out between us is if we are on track to get married and want to get married soon. We are very far away from that right now. So what drives me crazy-- is this weekend I was just barely getting to some peace with us broken up. And when I spoke with you last night, you opened the door to me coming up with a plan on how we can work out a reasonable relationship. This is the first time you asked my opinion about it. Yet you're Complaining that I hadn't fought to keep us together and come up with a plan for keeping us together. What? After you shock me and broke up with me? You must be kidding. No. That's not how it works. How it works is you show effort, you show want and desire for me. You ask me back. Even if we don't have much time. You show effort, I stop over doing the effort, we love each other and have fidelity, we see each other when we can and plan a future together. And then today, you call me for support about an issue I know everything about and you're driving on your way to face the challenge and I'm rehashing with you and cheerleading you on. And then you call me afterwards to let me know how it went. That is the way it should be as friends, but I feel all the intensity of being wrapped up in your world and it feels like when we were a team and together. And then we remotely watch a movie together. That felt like a pseudo date. And then I know the feelings were creeping up on you again and you blurt out a reason this can't work. But earlier today said that maybe we could work it out and be back together. So. I'm calling BS on all of this. I'm not going down the rabbit hole of break up mental illness about you again. Not now. I'm stronger about you now. If we rekindle, I'm only dating you and whomever else. No one is my singular boyfriend until I get Aspects of my life together. Then I can reconsider. I love you. I still want the us that you talked about and that we had. I think it's still there if we wanted to grab onto it. But I think right now is not right. This brief separation has made me less tolerant of the flakiness. I need you to truly take care of yourself to have the trust that you could be responsible about my heart. I think for us to get back we probably need to go separate ways and possibly swing back. I'm going to have to start working on being ok with you eventually seeing other women. If and when that happens, I'm sure you'll be putting in the effort like you did with me and you'll not have time for this "friendship". I'm just really done with being tortured by all of this. At least I am right in this moment.
  8. This morning, again,when I woke up I was I the middle of a dream that you just asked me to marry you--but this time I couldn't tell if you were serious, so I decided to assume you were just being emotional so I told you to ask me again when you were serious. Since I got to see a couple of friends this weekend, and I was otherwise very busy, I wasn't debilitated by sadness at all.
  9. I was dreaming of you when I woke up this morning too. But I can't remember it. The last time we talked was Tuesday We used to talk & text multiple times per day. I miss you so much. I'm on the verge of ic again. I'm trying not to, so supposedly you can feel the angst of not having me and be happy when you do call me. But in the meantime I am completely miserable. I'm starting to accept that we are broken up. That my days have to go on without you and for me to have NO idea how my life is going to go. Not the next few days. Not years or life. You said all the things about how I make you have faith in humanity again and I'm the single best person you've known, so then why aren't you with me? Why then do I get to suffer? If you think you know how I feel then why is it ok for you that I feel lost, empty, alone, posting to the Internet.
  10. X--stop contacting me as friends. We are not friends. I am forced to deal with you, but I know you're a devious, liar who keeps the type of good intentions that your public would approve of. I hated being your trophy that made you something more acceptable. I am my own person. I hope you're figuring out how to be a separate person. There are very limited reasons why I wish you well. Basically I wish I could know nothing about your status and life. The less I know the happier and freer I am. Don't you get it that I don't even respond to your texts unless they are business related? I don't want to read anything about your feelings. With you--for life-- meant I needed to stop being myself and for life not exist and support you. So--not with you means--you shouldn't be relying on me as an emotional support. Stop it! Y--we are friends. But it's been a long time since you've acted like a friend to me. I know all of the reasons that you are limited, and especially now. But all of those omissions add up to misrepresentations of yourself to me. And how can I advise you properly if you're only showing me what you want to? Even when I ask you the questions right to your face, you just say nothing. What kind of person can be so robotic. I know you're working on it, but you need to get a whole lot corrected immediately. somethung serious is not right. I hope you get help. Z---what's up with just a text on my bday. No way was I going to call you. And then you said there was a card...but it was too late.. So should I be expecting it? Did you send it? I'm here stupidly hoping for what might be in the mailbox everyday. Thinking maybe I chucked it in a pile of junk mail. So I'm cleaning & found someone else's card to me. I had been holding out thinking that it's ok if your card is late, cause so N so us late. Nope. Just you. And the phone. You are not calling me enough. Not even as friends. But I notice that--now-- if I call you, you pick right up or call me right back. And you genuinely want to talk to me instead of a scenario where you're being pulled for time with something else. So what kind of mind trip is this. You want to talk to me---buuuuttt-- you rarely call me. You're hurting me. When I woke up this morning I was in the middle of dreaming something erotic about us and that you desperately want to marry me. I wish those kind of things wouldn't happen. I'm trying to do the work--as per my book-- of understanding my past to be repaired for my future whether it includes you romantically of not. We keep telling each other how we love the other. Both of us meaning it. But do you miss me? You say that you know how I feel--but I think you don't cause you're not here. But, you tell me and I know that you actually do know how I feel. So-- how come I DONT know how you feel? Why am I the one who is wondering ? You keep telling me to remember and not forget that you love me. So-- you know I'm lonely. You know I'm hurting. Yet where are you? I miss you. It hurts for me to know that I am still connected to you but I've got to go my own way. I'm seeing some of it as an opportunity to grow. And I will. And I know that you will still love self improved me. Guys at work--f off. I can't stand any of you. No. My name is not Beautiful. I thought YOU were professional. Why you too. So, now the first offender is going to finally get an earful tomorrow. This has to end. I'm so sick of all of you. There is 1 man who is interesting out of all of you and I would NEVER let it be known. I work with you. Go away. You disgust me.
  11. Dammit I don't want to move on or give up on us. I cannot believe that we could spend the evening out on Saturday, first time in 3 wks, have a good time, text briefly on Sun, talk a bit on Mon and now it's Wed-nothing and that's ok with you? I had a dream last night that I was embarrassing myself while at the same time disparaging you. ---Basically making it impossible for you to think of me romantically again. I hate that. Your text says you love me. Your voicemails say you love me. Your mouth says you love me and so does your heart and eyes and arms. I put all of my everything I have to give into you. Maybe that's why it's so hard for me. I think you realize that I'm not going to feel good if I can't be 100% "on" for you. I also hate when my intensity of emotion wanes and then I just feel empty. A zombie. Other men look. I don't want to see their existence. I don't care what they're about or their f-g feelings. I don't want you to drop me and I eventually down the road find another and pour myself into him/them. I don't want it. I want you. Imperfect you. If you were perfect you KNOW that I would hate it. I don't want that. If I knew how I could feel in love with someone the way I do with you decades ago, I wouldn't have married who I did. I really appreciate this site so I can vent. I eventually do say the essence of these things to him, but the timing and intensity, if texted or said would only get me a shut door. And, I wish I could be a stronger, straight thinker, remembering the logic, etc-- but my emotional brain gets in the way. I have not been with him because of the "facts", only for the feelings.
  12. You said LESS contact as if I have been burdening you with wanting some kind of closeness with you. You also said-- just friends so that we don't lose each other. But you also intermittently say--maybe it won't take that long until we can get back while the next day you paint scenarios that sound like you're not going to be available for a very long time & Then flip back to it being a matter of a couple months. I offered 2 weeks NC so that I could sort myself out and realize that we are actually broken up and to give you the time to do some things you need to. Also So that I cannot be the cause of your stress or why things are overwhelming for you. You said 2 weeks nc wasn't right either. You seemed saddened by the idea of it and said it was unreasonable. So we agreed on 1 week where only you're contacting me. I miss you terribly. I'm kind of shocked that this is how little you want to or are able to contact me. Here I am (not) sending you this fake long text. I'm also keeping notes on all the stuff I want to say to you so that when we do speak I can make sure I tell you all of the important things. Cause I'm going to get emotional and forget what I want to say. To help me stop feeling so emotional-- I had considered clearing my phone of you and instead listened to your voicemails that I didn't delete from a while back. What happened to us? You love me so much! I'm afraid to put that in past tense. But putting these ideas together must mean something is lost. Right? I mean, we love each other. So why do we need this separation? It doesn't make sense. People who love each other stick together, not go separate ways when things aren't ideal. This relationship was never ideal. Not for either of us. So when did not-ideal become a deal breaker? Why can't we be together, but we just see each other when we're actually free? You've said a few times that you don't want to fail at everything including me. That you'd rather break up than fail at our relationship. I didn't give up on us near the start of our relationship cause you said--- you were going to stick with me through my tough times. Haven't I said that back to you about how things are for you now? Haven't I been sticking with YOU this whole time? Why NOW is it different? Your line of thinking about us breaking up sounds so similar to what I told my X when I wanted to split from him. And I told you what I said. It also sounds similar to what you told your xSO. Oh no. If you feel about me like I felt about my X...... Idk why this is so so so difficult for me to understand. I guess I keep thinking that there is a spark of hope. You said if these obstacles were removed you would get back with me right away! You sometimes say that maybe we can get back sooner..... I miss you like crazy. Still crying multiple times per day. I keep thinking about our memories. I wish you would've called me today. Yesterday, typing this would've made me cry, but today-- it isn't. That kind of scares me. What if I get settled with this new plan and then you come back to me and I'm no longer willing to return? No one ever said that love was simple.
  13. I am sitting here crying my eyes out. Been holding it back unsuccessfully all day at work and in front of my kids. I'm thinking that you should care enough to find out how I'm doing and get over here and hold me. But let me remember the little or lack of comforting you gave me also while crying about us and in sleep deprivation when we were spending the weekend together. I feel like I'm going out of my mind. Not sure why death decides to run through my head from time to time. I'm not doing that. But I fell like chasing any type of relief I can get from this pain and disillusionment. That's why I keep trying to contact you. Cause if I can talk with you then I'll feel relief. I proposed nc with you to start soon so I can get a break from hoping to hear from you and to break our pattern of contact. But you won't get back to me about it. This is hurting so much that I want to talk to you about starting the no contact now so that I can feel like an alien floating, not belonging anywhere, but at least not waiting on you to give me attention. Waiting like a faithful dog and being fed scraps. You were pissed with the idea that I suggested that I think you're telling me to go out with other men because you keep telling me that I deserve to have all the time and attention and love that I want. So you break up with me and say we will still be friends? But on the other hand you still are calling Me pet names, telling your extended family that I'm your gf, that you still feel exactly the same, that you love me very much. This all hurts. I hurts! I want to say I'm all or nothing. But really I'm taking whatever I can get. I know it's totally pathetic and unattractive. I hope I can keep catching these 30 second patches of being ok with this. Too many moments of feeling like you're destroying me. We had so many arguments last year where I was the tough guy and just flatly said well let's break up then. If you don't like this. Dammit. I don't know how the tables turned. I thought you were solid, with me, here for me and happy that I've been here for you. I thought you love me so much. That I'm the best person you ever met. With the biggest loving heart. Why would you want to be done with me? I don't know how to protect myself from this pain. I love you. I trusted you to not do this. I don't know how we're supposed to be friends with me this tripped out. And you're saying you're still attracted to me and love me. fffffffffffffffffffF.........
  14. So. Now I'm going to spend my entire night checking my phone to see if I've lost my hearing and I missed your text or call-As I have been doing. I wish you would just call me and make this go away. I don't understand saying that you love me one day and the next, after a clarification on expectations, and I say, I'll leave it to you.... You say-- lets just be friends then. I guess I can't stick to my word then. I said I would respect the way you want to go with this and I cannot believe that that is what came out of your mouth? And then you tell me that you still love me the same. That nothing has changed about your feelings. And then you take me to a family party and refer to me as your girlfriend. When I ask you about that you ask me what did I want you to say. Of course I want to show up as your love. Not as a friend. I told you through other problems we were having-- I don't want to be buddies. This is romance. It is intamacy. We could've kept it as new friends at the start, but we didn't. And it 1 year+ later. If I can think of you as unattractive, then maybe it can be just friends. I just don't know where to put my non-platonic feelings. And then all this angst I'm feeling for 2-3 weeks now is painful and these negative feelings that I feel you/our relationship/my part if it all are filing in as the new reality set of how I feel about you. You said that maybe we can get back when you get your life in order. Who knows how long that will be. But lets add that I need to get my life in order also-- before rekindling can happen. Ny needs are just as Urgent as yours. It's about time I grew up and figured out that I need to take care of me for once and not everybody else. Although I still want to. And the reality that I know is that if you just called me right this second and said its all a mistake and you want me back I'd drop all of what I just typed, or Most of it and fall right back in with you. I still want you. You were my good escape from my reality. I thought you were the one stable thing I had in my life. Stupid. Gullible. Blind. Needy. Martyr. I hope I can learn some lessons from this. I still love you the same as well.
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