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Notmi

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  1. Hello. I am 28 F and this past few months I have been through hell... I am an engineer and for the past 5 years I was working as such making ready for the next career step. My dream was always to get into academic research. After devoting myself in this the whole of the last year (2022-2023) I landed a full scholarship in a masters programm one of the most expensive and important university in my country (I am in Europe). I immidiatly moved to the city of the university with my bf (30) who also thought that it is a good opportunity for him to do a seminar/ masters programm too in the same university. (we are on the same field) He is the sweetest guy and truly supports me in everything. ( The problem starts with everything else. I dont have the money to support myself without working while I study and I do a full time job and classes at the same time. Its been two months and I am dead. The classes are extremely difficult and demanding nobody other in this degree is working (all have rich families). A student loan is also not a solution. I find myself tired all the time. I am failing in the classes because of this. My dream is to get a PhD but if this goes on like this I wont be able to. My family is not rich but middle class and the refuse to help because they dont believe in the academic field. They think my choice is stupid and immature and that it is time to work and make a family (I dont even want kids!!) My friends also dont support me at all. The said congats on the scholarship but nothing else. Everytime I say how tired I am they say that it was my choice and I should not complain... I work in a company in which in my position I worked with a friend. (we have the same friend group.) She decided to quit her job (which I recommended her for) without any warning and without giving time for the company to find another employee and even without closing her projects. She just said goodbye and did not come back. My boss was furious and yelled at me too for recommending her (this is his problem ) but now I have to do all her work too, working overtime 10 h and more. Her work the past few months was awful most of her projects have mistakes and such and now I am trying to save everything. I got mad and told her that this is very bad. She did this knowing that it will harm me. My other friends all say that she did nothing wrong she just wanted to leave and she left. She also has no money problems has her own house and wanted to take time of to see what she wants to do in her life and do some seminars on dance (she is also a dancer). I am devastated and very tired..
  2. I was involved with a guy at 18 who turned out to be incredibly toxic and abusive. I was physically and mentally abused to the point that I was afraid for my life for 4 years not able to run away with no friends and help (he cut me off from everyone). After he left me for another woman (the irony and the best thing that happened to me also) and I was finally free I tried my best to recover what was lost make a friend group and fall in love again. I met a guy (lets call him X) shortly after and I fell hard made some friends but it did not last long. He was narsicistic but bc of my traumatic past I could not recognize the red flags and thought that I am lucky and this is how it is supposed to be. I finished uni I moved back to my home town he promised me to move together to another country (better economy and jobs etc) and I literally paused my life never found a real job and friends so I wont have to cut everything as soon as I left. Ofcourse he did not deliver. He pushed the dates of leaving as much and after 6 years of being together (the last 1-2 on and off due to distance) he ghosted me. He disappeared (this was one year ago). Blocked me from everything. We were supposed to leave in the summer of 2022 I even ended my lease for my house. The month that he did that I lost my cat and my favourite aunt. I was also diagnosed with an autoimmune disease. I had no idea where he was and after non stop calling and messaging for 2 weeks I stopped. I did not want to search for him at his friends i think it is too invasive. The pain was unbearable. I was crying myself to sleep every night to the point that I lost my job. After a couple of months I hear from mutual friends that he did indeed move there and he was with another girl... So I was left with nothing. Trying to recover find new job and house to live in etc was the hardest thing I have done. Everything that has to do with him triggers me a panic attack. I have even cut off all of our mutual friends. I am very angry and sad. I see him in my dreams every night. I wake up in agony. I feel devastated and empty. I know that he was toxic and that I am lucky not to have made such a huge step with him but his happiness leaves me bitter. I have been dating casually a nice guy last month but I am not yet ready. I cannot have sex and I panic even with hugs. I still need time. How does someone cope with this? Has this ever happened to any of you?
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