nicolediver

I am pretty new to the dating scene because I was in a relationship for the last several years so I am hoping to find some help here. Went on a first date with someone recently and it seemed great. He was attentive, affecionate, good conversation, etc He called me the very next day to make plans for the following night. Well, we had our second date and now I am so confused. At parts of the date, the conversation was flowing fine and at other times it seemed awkward and grasping. I was not sure if it was mine (and his) nerves or if he just was not into me. He kept continuing the date though. After tea we got dinner then a drink, etc However, I felt our chemistry seemed much different. He just seemed less enthusiastic and really did not talk to me. He did admit to being extremely tired so I am not sure how much of a role that played in things. I just felt the first date was SO good and the second was awkward for the most part. So I pretty much figured we would not see each other again as it felt off to me. But at the end of the date he suggested getting together this weekend. I mean what do you think? Has he lost interest but has not given up completely? Was he nervous? Are second dates harder? I am just not used to this at all. As well, I texted him this afternoon thanking him for the date, etc and have gotten no reply. Do most dating periods go through a period of awkwardness?? Please help!

Hmm, we are most certainly not on a break as that is not what either one of us wants. I am working on myself and trust he is doing the same. I understand that I risk getting hurt but for now I am going through with it. As far as meeting other people it could happen for me too. We just know right now is not the right time for us but hope that as we are working through our issues and spending some time together we might grow back to that stop. Is this crazy of us to think? We know it might not happen but for right now we would like to have some (albeit) minimum contact.

Hi thanks for all of your words of encouragement. In reply to some of your questions, the main reason he cites for our break-up was my insecurity/neediness. It led to me seeking constant reassurance and validation from him. At worse, it caused me to lose trust even though there was no rational reason to. (Although he tried to deal with it, his patience wore thin and he eventually became too hurt....) As far as this issue being unresolved, I am taking steps (i.e. therapy) to work on it. On his side, he is learning to be more patient and understanding with my struggles. Very often, we now talk about what the things I am learning about in therapy and he better understands where I am coming from and what changes I am making. Sorry to put you on the spot Scout but I wonder why you feel not going NC is okay in my situation. I have read many other threads (and the excellent advice you have given) and seem to gather you are a proponent of NC. I certainly go back and forth with it. I do see the benefit here in remaining in a friendship but as a lot of you may gather it is sometimes a hard place to be. I guess you are right ocrob, I have to do what's best for me without allowing myself unwarranted pain. I worry most of all with being able to be just a friend. I say this knowing we are not just "friends" in the classic sense but for the time being (and maybe always) I have to maintain on that level. This means no affection or talking about the relationship, etc. Instead, I am doing my best to enjoy the time with him presently as much as I can without worrying about things in relation to us. As well, I try to not dwell on his life outside of me. It gets hard at times and I dont always know if I should just go NC but for right now this is where I am at.

Hi, In response to your inquiry Scout, we both agreed that 1-2 times a week would be best for us. Both of us feel that anything more would either lead to attachment or us falling into a dysfunctional relationship without any growth happening. As (and if) things get better we would naturally increase the time spent together. As far as dating other people goes, I dont think either one of us is pushing for it but we both know it could happen. We did agree to talk about it before it transpires though. I mean the bottom line is we are not together so it is plausible either one of us could meet someone else. I dont think this means we dont have feelings for one another but we accept that right now (and maybe always) we are not together. As a result we could potentially seek comfort from another. I domnt know it is a complicated situation.

Gosh, two replies on both sides of the fence. Scout, I have to say my inclination is to follow your advice. Although, I do understand Beanpaper's argument. That's what I mean though, there is a risk involved regardless of my choice. I mean, I am completely aware that he or I might meet someone. This is certainly something we have both discussed. However, we do have alot of desire for one another too so that will play a part. And although this may sound crazy to some, I dont exactly know that if one of us dates someone else it will ruin our chances. I've done the rebound before in the past and know it did not replace or distract from the way I felt about someone. As far as stating he has not lost anything I dont see that as being true. And in fact, he has confirmed it. He did lose something, a girlfriend he loves very much. And he watched and fought for me as I became more and more weighted down by my insecurities during our relationship. It really killed him to see me like that. I know because I saw him deal with it as best he could. I am really thinking about what you said Scout, that a friendship can aid in our transformation. I guess I am just worried that I will get "friendzoned." I mean as it stands we are no longer intimate (and I think this is probably for the best) and our time together is short (maybe 1-2/week, grabbing a meal or a drink). We found that spending too much time together is not best for us at the moment. Emotions are still a little raw and we end up getting in those talks that are just not the best for us. At the moment, it is more imprtant to spend time together building new memories befor we can tackle our old ghosts. To clarify though Scout, trips are out-of-the-question. Although, we know we are just not "friends," that is how we are trying to maintain at this point. we have even agreed to try our best to not talk about the relationship and where it is going for the time being. Instead, we want to continue to focus on ourselves and let things happen a bit more naturally right now. We did go through a period of heavy talks and although some were good it really weighed us down. I mean eventually you are talking in circles because the bottom line is we are not together, regardless of our openness to change it may or may not happen. So speculating and getting our feelings reassured are just empty gestures. I however, still find myself needing this at times. Not only is this counterproductive to my goals; it pushes him away. And although he does gives me ressurance I can tell it is wearing him thin and it worries him to think I may not be growing and/or focusing on "us" too much. I mean, how can he enjoy our time if I am constantly asking what he feels or if this will go somewhere. Soemtimes I think its best to tell myself it wont and we are simply friends and let it happen from there. So confused, so many questions. I do feel hopeful though and just worry that I am not kidding myself. Also I saw this on the forum, do you think it to be true? I mean every situation is different but still... So, will they miss you? In most cases (unless you have become a thorn in their side), yes - absolutely. For those who have exes that want to remain friends: Why do you think that is? It’s because they want you in their life. Exes very rarely stay friends…so in effect, when an ex asks to stay friends they are essentially saying “I still want you in my life”. They are not ready to let you go (yet), so by implementing NC you are forcing them to lose you right then and there. NC prevents the ex from using you to cushion the blow of the breakup by weaning themselves off you slowly. Without NC you can be certain that once your ex is back on their feet emotionally (helped there by you), that the ‘friendship’ that seemed so important to them at the time will be nonexistent. No Contact is a far better option than staying friends. Being friends causes you pain and allows your ex to heal quicker. NC causes your ex pain and allows you to heal quicker.

Hi all, My ex broke up with me over a month ago and after a few weeks off NC we resumed a relationship of sorts. We both talked for great length about the mistakes we made in the past and confirmed that we still had very strong feelings for one another and were still attracted to each other. However, based on the demise of the relationship and the knowledge that things had to change before we would consider a reconciliation we decided at that time to not pursue one. (I have serious issues with insecurity and neediness that I am currently in therapy for). He did say several times however that he hoped we would be able to work things out and wasvery open to seeing how things could be between us and getting back together. At that time we decided to remain in one another's lives (slowly at first while building to something more. As to whether it will be a friendship or romance, we were not sure where it would take us but were hopeful and determined to make an effort to strengthen our tie again). In the beginning we were intimate and stated that because of this we would probably not date anyone else but if we did meet someone we would discuss it with each other first. Recently, we have decided to no longer be intimate. It seems to blur our situation and create attachment when we still are working our own things out so we are not ready to come together as a couple. And even though the sex makes us feel more connected it certainly should not be a deal breaker. (As well, we also decided that if we have the urge to date other people we would at least go on a date with each other first...) I guess I am struggling because sometimes this is harder for me than I think it is for him. I do believe him when he says he has hope for us and I know without a doubt that he is still attracted and connected to me. I just think that he has a better perspective on the situation and although is hopeful, he does not allow it to rule his life. He sees the situation presently and realizes it cannot work the way so does his best to be in the relationship (friendship?) as presently as he can without getting ahead of himself. I guess he allows himself to be open to a relationship with me again if those changes happen, etc. but is not counting on it nor is dismissing it. Often, I feel like this hope is more prevalent for me and I put too much stock in it. I struggle with what to do next. Sometimes I think it is best to go NC but at other times I realize I am in a place a lot of people would want. My ex is still in my life, expresses his feelings for me and has confirmed not only is he hopeful for us but is open to seeing what could happen between us in the future. He really wants to spend time with me to see where or if it might take us somewhere again. I know that I am not ready to be back with him, not yet. I certainly would sabotage the relationship again so I do agree that right now is not a good time for us. I just wonder if it is better to be around one another and create new, good memories or just let it be for now. I know there is a risk with either decision, I just dont know which one is better. I love having him in my life and would also love a second chance if it worked out that way for us. I have heard pros and cons onboth sides, what do you all think?

I agree. I know that some of my friends who reconciled after a period of friendship did still have feelings for one another. However, they still were moving on and had accepted the break-up. I am sure there may have been some hope, but for the most part they simply wanted to be in each other's lives. It wasnt easy and they were not friends in the classic sense by any means. However, for some reconciliation can work this way. You begin to see each other in a new light free from the pressure of a relationship and also create positive, present memories. I know that NC is what most people promote on this site and it certainly aids in the healing process. However, some methods work differently for people as relationships and the people involved are all so different.

Actually, I know of a few couples that have reconciled after being friends for a period of time. I definitely think it depends on the situation at hand. For some, the feelings are still there but they are apprehensive to take it to the next level because of the problems they had together. As well, they might need a little time on their own. For those people I know that reconciled being friends was sort of a small step in the right direction. They wanted to be around each other to see if things changed between them and how their chemistry was. After being able to feel comfortable around one another again they were able to move it to the next level. For others, they didnt even have intentions of getting back together but being wround each other openend their eyes up to the fact that there were still feelings present.

I certainly understand your fear of getting hurt. However, it sounds like you truly have deep feelings for this person. Instead of taking the all or nothing approach, why not take it slow and allow for some patience in the situation? It seems the best way to calm your fears is to ease back slowly into one another's lives before making any concrete decisons.

Trust me no final decisions have been made. In fact, I know for certain that I do not want to reconcile now. However, I am hoping that we may build to that over time because of our connection and feelings. I am also aware though that this might not happen and at the very least I will come out of this with a wonderful friend. I just have to keep aware of all of this and not let me emotions get the better of me or pin too many hopes on us. I really need to keep the focus on myself for right now.

You really brought up some excellent points. Do I need him? No. Would I like him in my life? Yes. Do I want to get back together with him now? I am unsure. I guess really I do want us to work things out but there are some things that need to happen first on both sides before that happens. I need to continue to learn how to be more patient and less needy. Basically, I dont want to rush into things with him. I dont think a lot of people get second chances so if I am in fact getting one I dont want to screw it up. I also think that it makes sense to not just jump back into things. Maybe a period of friendship and/or dating might help us see if we have changed in ways where we can work together to make a committed relationship thrive. That being said, perhaps I should go into tonight with no expectations. Just be myself and look at it as I am hanging out with a friend. It's probably best to not rush anything.

I have to say just the fact that you called it a "date" makes me nervous. I just dont know if it is premature to think that this is in fact a date. What if he is just looking at it as good friends getting together. (This seems crazy to me because he definitely still has feelings for me but again he might not be ready to date me...) I guess at the least maybe he might not see it as a date but you are right, just the fact that he is givng me this time shows curiosity and willingness. Aah, I wish I could just calm down.

Hi all, I am meeting up with my ex in a few hours (we were originally planning on just going to a movie but he now wants us to go to dinner as well) and am starting to majorly freak out. Here's the thread about our latest devolpment: I just dont know how to act or what to think. Are we two friends going out, is this a date--I just dont know. Do I bring us up or just act casually? Do I linger at the end of the night? I am just so confused and any help would be so appreciated. As I mentioned we have both expressed that we still have strong feelings for one another but are not ready to jump back into things. We do want to spend time together as "friends" while leaving a very open possibility that we could in fact get back together. I guess in a way we want to be around each other and see how things may (or may not) progress. As well, we need some solo time to still work out our own individual issues. I just dont know how to act tonight or what to expect. Please help!!!

I think that sleeping with your ex definitely leads you into tricky territory and from what I am hearing it generally does not end up working out. However, I do know of a few situations where it actually led to reconciliation (I am not saying the sex caused the reconciliation but the people involved were broken up and engaging in it). In those situations, they were very upfont and honest about what was going on. As well, they communicated frequently about how each other was feeling in the process. Another key element was that they did express the desire to be together but were still not sure. Although, they werent sure if they wanted to get back together, they also werent sure if they didnt want to either. I guess in a way you could almost equate it with exes sort of dating (however, I know they stayed away from this label too). But yes, there is a definite danger in getting too attached and not moving on. It can however strengthen a bond or tie, if there is in fact one there that can still be built on. And this is definitely an issue I have been thinking a lot about lately because my own ex and I have recently re-established contact and admitted that there are still strong feelings present. We want to start hanging out as friends to see what is still there between us. And yes, it has certainly crossed my mind that sex may come up at some point.

Also, since we are just beginning the early stages (I mean its our first date in a way) do you think it is a good idea to not broach the subject of other people? I mean it seems to me I should treat this like a first date. If it were someone entirely new, I of course wouldnt ask and would take it slow, etc. I am just worried that I cant do that because it is an ex. I just dont want to screw anything up.