JustMizz

Do you ever think about me? Do I ever cross your mind? If so, is it just a passing thought or do you linger on the memory of me? Does it cause a tug on your heart?

I'm about to go to my first counseling session. I'm not sure what to expect and I'm not sure what I want to happen. I still so much want for you to reach out and tell me you made a mistake. How can I be nothing to you now? The presumed dead elephant ear bulb I replanted is sprouting. Idk why but it gave me some hope.

My garden is doing so well thanks to all of this rain. There are cucumbers and tomatoes ready to pick. And all I want is to show you pics. You seemed so excited about my garden. You should be coming this weekend and then the kids could finally see what we worked for and finally get to pick the vegetables they helped me grow. I keep going back to why. Why did you keep bringing your kids around me if you knew you was going to leave? Was it a way to keep me feeling secure? I just dont even want to go there because that is despicable. I hope you would never use your children in that way. But I cant come up with any other explanation because while you was here with me and your kids, you was checking out other women online. Looking for your next relationship while I played with your children believing they would always be in my life. Believing that you really did love me and that we were in it for the long haul. I hate this. I miss you so much!

Last night made a week since the day my world came crashing down. A week since you told me you loved me, a week since I've heard your voice, and a week since I've had any contact from you. Was it ever real? Did you ever love me? I look back and I can see the inconsistencies, but I still never doubted your feelings for me. I trusted that you truly was busy with work and I trusted you when you said it wouldn't always be so busy. I trusted you and waited for you because I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. You made me happy. Your girls made me happy. I loved when you all came to my house. I enjoyed them and it touched me how accepting of me they were. I dont want to believe this is over. I don't want to believe that you don't care. I wish you would realize that you want me just as had as I want you, but I'm starting to realize that will never happen. I have to find a way to let go.....I'm just not sure I'll ever be able to.

Why cant you wake up and realize what you are losing? We were so good together. None of this makes sense to me. I'm going insane because I don't feel like it's over. I was all in. You had my whole heart. Why wasnt that enough?

I hate going to bed because I know the morning will come. Mornings were our time to talk.....

Why couldn't you just be as happy with me as you pretended to be? I'm trying not to question my own worth, but its difficult to do when the man who supposedly loves me wont even speak to me and lives on a dating site. Why? I thought I was all that you wanted. That's what you told me.

Was it all a lie? Did you ever actually love me? Why couldn't you just be honest with me?? I wish I would have never met you, but at the same time I just wish you'd snap out of it and see how wonderful life with me would be. How wonderful life with me was before all of this. You didn't even give me a fair chance. Do you even want a relationship, or are you just out playing. 9 months!! Wasnt it exhausting keeping up a charade for 9 months??? , I just dont understand.