chimva96

I know I said nasty things to you. Please forgive me, friend.

I still can't believe I managed to ruin us this badly. The damage I have done seems beyond repair. I hope that time heals this. The thing is that I still have so much love for you. It feels so artificial to leave you be. I want to fight for us. I want to start over fresh. I know we can make it work. Sadly it takes two to tango and you grew out of your dancing shoes. We were so close, best friends. It was us against the universe. Then life had its way with me. I was unprepared and got lost in worldly endeavors, leaving you behind. You were lonely. You were hurting. You reached out to me so many times but I wasn't there anymore. I was too far in cloud nine to notice you. I'm sorry for that. My heart throbs with an aching pain when I think about this. I am too familiar with the pain of loneliness now. I would never want anyone to feel this, especially not you, darling. I'm so sorry. I became a selfish, complacent monster that you couldn't love anymore. I understand this so I respect you decision. We are still young. I'm not done growing, my Love. I'm still growing into your man. Please wait for me. Experience life on your own but lets meet up in a little. Please. I miss you.

I don't really like it but I feel you fading. Slowly our memories are less painful to think about. Slowly I'm feeling like it wouldn't be so bad if someone else came along. This is so odd. I always wanted you and I still do but I guess my heart is finally re-establishing a connection with my brain. My brain knows the reality but my heart still longs for the fantasy. Honestly, I'm so emotionally exhausted. I'm toast.

Damn it! Every day that goes by I find more reasons why you left me. I just want to call you and apologize for it all. I did such a poor job being your boyfriend it's almost laughable. From a bird's eye view my mistakes were clear as day but for some reason I was completely oblivious to my behavior. Why didn't I see the signs? There was a reason you were withholding sex. There was a reason we were lacking intimacy. My selfish/young/immature self couldn't see it. You poor girl, enduring my behavior for however long you did. It pains me to say this b/c I'm still in love with you, but it is b/c I do love you that I am able to, and that is that you deserve to live a life without me dragging you behind. Maybe one day, when I've grown, we can meet up and we could benefit from some sort of relationship laughing this one off. But at the moment, I am not the right man for you. I love you and I wish you happiness. Nothing but true happiness. You deserve bliss, my love.

Most vivid dream of her last night so far. Why is she so beautiful? It's unreal!! So sweet, so silly, so loving... If I can't have you then please get out of my head! Everyone told you that this one was perfect. They told you to take care of her, to treat her right. You were perfect for each other, except you weren't b/c you blew it. You took the perfect girl for granted. I had no idea I was still this young and stupid. I had no idea I still had this much room to grow. I never thought I'd be where I am now. Back to square one...

I get it. I was always insecure. There were voids in my heart that only I should’ve filled, but instead I filled them with you and I never felt truly satisfied. I relied on you to be my emotional backbone. You were the only thing that made me happy. In attempts to feel satisfied I abusively tested your love, taking it for granted. I pushed you away, just to see if you would come back. Sending that breakup text was not to break up with you but just to make sure you wouldn’t leave. Of course, I was high which made it worse, but the weed was not a result of my intentions. It only magnified what was already present. Speaking of the weed, I found something that also gave me security/happiness. My blind heart,only wanting to fill its holes, did not see a perfect loving girl and weed, it saw two outlets for fulfilment. Ignorantly it chose the quicker/easier one to access. Due to the nature of drugs, it consumed my life and caused me to neglect you in ways I never wanted to. For the record, it was never my friends. They were in no way better than you and I knew that deep down. I just happen to be around them most when I was high. The sad part is that I was completely unaware of it. At the time, I didn’t know why I did all of it or that it was wrong, otherwise I would’ve stopped. Oblivious to my issues I took you for granted without even knowing. I was selfish. I was always selfish. Mostly every issue we had stemmed from my insecurity and selfish ways to appease it. I only did what was in my interests. Although you have the one of the largest hearts I’ve ever experienced, it was not infinite. Your capacity to love seemed bottomless, but that was my mistake. I ran you dry. I neglected your heart and only cared for mine. I’m truly sorry for that. I hope you can see that I was just a young/dumb kid rather than seeing me as a bad person. Fortunately, I’m learning how to love myself by forgiving myself. Not to undermine my actions (I’ve definitely grieved enough), but so I can move on and avoid these mistakes in the future. This experience has truly shaped me. I want to thank you for opening my eyes. However, I wish that I would’ve made this mistake with someone else because you are undeniably the cat’s pajamas. I got lucky and unlucky to find the best one first. You were my first true love and it was incredible. I think it’s fair to say I did the best I could with what I had during the time. I truly enjoyed our time spent together, and I am very grateful for it all; Our adventures, our laughs, the dancing, our cuddles, everything. I believe what we had was truly beautiful and a blessing. Sadly I lost sight of what it was. Boop, you will always have a very, very special place in my heart. I pray only for happiness in your life. I love you and I hope for the absolute best for you and your future.