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lilymelrosa

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  1. hello there. it's weird to remind myself of how dumb i was in the past few months, thinking that things were going to be okay again, thinking that you loved me more than you showed, thinking that what we felt was more important than it was. tomorrow marks the 6th month after you broke it up with me. it's strange to think about that, stranger to think that you said you wanted to be my friend and cared about me but the last time we talked was over a month ago. it hurts, but actually helps me to realize how truthful you were to me (not much). it helps me to get stronger though, and it helps me to see you in a more realistic light, instead of through my pink tinted glasses. i miss you sometimes. not as much as before. i still feel the need to come here and write as if you would read, in your life that's now so far away from mine. but i feel stronger ever since we stopped talking and even more ever since i decided to unfollow you on social media. it made me feel proud that i finally did it, i finally prioritized my well being. i feel stronger since i started talking to other boys too. it's all carefree but i've gladly been meeting nice people, realizing that you're not the only guy in the world, realizing that other guys might find me attractive or interesting. who knows what comes next? i hope i forget my feelings for you finally, as you so easily did with your feelings for me. i wish you well, despite everything
  2. I am feeling stronger everyday and finally, today, I gathered the strenght necessary to unfollow you on social media. I don't wanna see your life, I just wanna forget you and move on. I still love you but I can't put myself through this pain no more
  3. Lately i've been feeling better. More peaceful, at least. Less teary too. We don't talk been almost a month (the longest since the breakup) and NC is actually a big helper. I feel like I finally had the chance to go a bit past the denial phase. I'm feeling better, yes, but still a bit sad, considering that, for the past five months, I was believing that your love for me was stronger than it proved itself to be. But that's okay, I just wanna move forward, not staying all day thinking of the past. My single friends and I are joining a dating app just for the sake of fun and distraction from this disastrous love lives we lead. I don't expect to find my "soul mate" in there, nor a big love as the one I found in you. But finally I'm feeling able to do something to move forward, not feeling like I'm "cheating" on our relationship. It's over, you ended it, there's no such thing as cheating. A part of me wishes we could talk more but I know we shouldn't and I'm keeping up my promise of not initiating any conversation. I hope you're well.
  4. I sort of promised myself I wouldn't initiate a conversation with you no more, only respond if you did. You haven't gone a month without talking to me, and in a way, i want you to do it again but I also know it will set me back, so I don't want it. Mostly I don't feel a big need to text you anyway but lately I've been wanting to, so badly, but I can't find anything good to say. How can I stop these feelings man? how did you stop loving me? why can't i do the same?
  5. How does one kill hope? hope of getting back together. it's been over 5 months, why am i still hopeful to be with you again? why didn't my heart understand that it's over for good and you don't care no more?
  6. Today I woke up with that feeling of "I can't handle this anymore". I'm tired of this pain, but it is so alive within me. I just wanna do something, either to make things better with you or to change my feelings but I don't know what to do. I'm so tired. Leave my heart, please
  7. lately it has been tough. I'm back at the "crying every day" stage, which didn't happen for a long time in my healing process. I just miss you so much and I wonder why you seem to not miss me at all. Was I that bad? Was I such a bad girlfriend that you won't ever come back? I just want to kill this love i have but its still going strong and I am so tired, so, so tired of feeling sad
  8. 5 months ago, you sent that dreaded text saying you wanted to end our relationship. How can I still feel so in love with you 5 months later, how can I still want you, how canI still feel connected? How can I feel that we're not over? I want this suffering to end
  9. Today has been one of those crying non-stop days. You texted me the other day, when things were finally looking up for me emotionally. I felt so much more detached from you, happier. But then, you had to come back for a "friendly chat". Go away, don't ever do that again. You must love to disturb every healing process i start. My pet died and my anxiety is over the roof. why cant i be deleted from the planet so i dont have to think of you ever again. people love to say how time will heal it all but i feel like time is late, after 5 months
  10. Why did you have to text me? Even if it is 3 weeks after the last time we talk, why do you do that? Why don't you stay quiet? Why don't you think that it might be harmful to me? Any message from you disrupts my healing process. I don't know why you think we could be friends. When you had feelings for me and I didn't and we stood as friends, I did it as a chance to you, maybe one day we could be more than friends. Now I have feelings for you and you tell me you don't feel anything for me and don't wanna give me a second chance. If you don't even give me a second chance, how terrible of a person must I have been for you? Why would you wanna be friends with a terrible person? Why would I even want to be friends with the person who broke up via text message out of the blue when I gave you all of me, who made me feel worthless, who made me feel like my world ended, as i was so sad, couldn't eat and do anything at all besides crying and who didn't have the guts to tell me the truth of what is happening? You left me when I was in the worst phase of my life. Why in hell would I want to be friends? Why in hell would you want that? Please, stop. I can't be "just" friends with you. I know, i could block you but it feels too hostile so please, please: stop, don't text me, not in one day, not in a month. Just don't.
  11. Funny how life always finds ways to surprise us. Yesterday I came here to write about how angry I was at what you did. And in that same night, after i searched more and more about healing after a breakup, whilst i was so much more conformed about never talking to you again, I receive your text. I felt so much anxiety. I did not want it. You always seem to find a way to talk to me when I start to feel more in control of my life. How do you do that? Two hours later I replied and we had a nice conversation. I am still controlled and I promised myself I won't be the one starting a conversation with you (after doing all I could to salvage our relationship and being rejected) but it definitely shook me up. Will you talk to me again? does this mean you missed me? Does it mean anything at all? Why do you always do it?
  12. my mind is constantly shifting and changing. one thing doesn't change: i love you still and i wish things could be good again. but lately i feel so angry at you. i did my mistakes and i owned them and felt guilty for them long enough but have you ever even noticed how much of a coward you were, when you left me via text message after a 2+ year relationship? did you ever notice that maybe i was right feeling insecure considering you were always so secretive? did you ever consider that if you had been completely honest with me from day 1, as i was to you (even with my mistakes), things would never go this way? anytime i see you on the internet i feel disgusted for the things you like now. I still love you but i wish i didn't because i'm just so angry at what you did. how can i love a dishonest coward who broke up with me for my mistakes, but never aknowledged his, and never actually told me the real reasons why he broke up in the first place, using the lame excuses everybody uses? love is a strange thing and i hope i can kill my love for you
  13. After 4+ months of breaking up, I still feel confused. Everyday I dwell in the indecision of believing that one day things might become ok and whole again and believing that you won't ever come back as you seem so changed. Everyday I see little things remembering myself of you, like the numbers on the clock, that anytime i look, always mark the day we started dating. I still don't feel ready to let go and I can't understand why. Yesterday, my wounds hurt as much as they did 4 months ago. Some days are okay though. Most days are bearable. But yesterday was weird, I felt such a weird connection with you despite the distance, despite not talking for two weeks. But I guess it's just me creating hopes and dreams. I wish I could stop
  14. In fact, i must say that my view on love changed a lot. I feel like now I know more of what true love is than before. sometimes i questioned my own love at times, because i was being driven by fear so often. but now i am not afraid. i want you back and i hope we can reconcile as i know that my love is here and won't leave right now, as much as i try to push it away. but i am not afraid. i feel like i can trust the universe
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