EternalOptimis

Years ago, I connected with someone on a dating site and we exchanged phone numbers. I only knew her first name, but at our first call, my smartphone's reverse-lookup feature unexpectedly flashed her full name. Of course I googled her. She was a hotshot lawyer at a very large firm. No wonder reverse-lookup found her. Her Facebook circle ran over a thousand as did her LinkedIn connections. I was intimidated. I mean she even knew the CEO of my firm! Breathe.. she's still on a dating site because she wants to meet someone. We were both abroad a lot over the next month or two and I assumed she wasn't really interested. Then a text out of nowhere and we met for a drink, which turned into a meal, which turned into a wonderful relationship.. Life can be quirky like that. Not all encounters were positive. There was the creepy interrogator "but where are you REALLY from? Where do you work?". The "I've always been cheated on so I'll treat you like a cheating pig till you prove me otherwise". But my biggest dating regret was long long ago when I was new to online, a 6-months long distance relationship ensued without so much as an exchange of photos. I know. When we finally met, there was zero chemistry and I broke her heart. Never again. A few due-diligence exchanges on the site, a phone chat then a meeting in person.

There's a difference between love and attachment. We're guilty of conflating the two. Cheaters, and cheatees, very sadly, are often serial.

I read a quote here long ago which I always remember; Never ask a liar for the truth, it's the last thing you'll get.

You're not ready for marriage

It takes two to tango. Too often, the cheater's lover knows that the cheater is not single but go along anyway. Are they morally less culpable? If everyone who was ever cheated on ended the relationship immediately, the cost to the cheaters would be so savage, there would be a lot less cheating going on. Not only by the affected cheater but by all would-be cheaters at large..

I am sorry that this has happened to you. It may appear that people on this forum are too quick to advise ending the relationship, but the truth is all too often the OP is too heart-broken / shell-shocked to see beyond trying to resuscitate the relationship. With infidelity, the odds are against you. And forgiving a cheater too often emboldens them (conciously or subconciously) to cheat again. HE now needs to put in the work to prove to you that he won't cheat again.

MissCanuck and Lambert are right on the money. Re-read their original replies. Better off without her. Debateably not always true, but in this case definitely is... : "Once a cheater, always a cheater"

When does "dating" become a relationship? Is it subjective? Is it after intimacy? A set period of time? A set number of dates? A set number of personal effects are kept at each other's house? Someone says the three words? I was having a conversation with a friend who was trying to recall all his relationships and some of them lasted under 2 months. Some involved fewer than 5 dates (but over 6 months), only one involved living together.

My first reaction on seeing this thread was "only 560 replies!" Incompetence and verbal incontinence among work colleagues Nosy neighbours when working from home Maybe the library. Although Rainy makes me doubt I'll have better luck there..

I was clearing up my Google photo album. It still makes me sad seeing pictures of us. I forgave you. But I will never forget how your infidelity made me feel

So I finally severed all channels of digital contact. I was calm. I don't mean to trigger a reaction. I'm sure you've rationalised what happened so many times you believe your own deception. I thought I was as special to you as you were to me and you showed me in the most spectacular way I wasn't. I still loved you but I stopped liking you since your cheating. But even if I did, I really can't see me ever wanting to associate with someone who had it in them to demonstrate such cruelty.

It's good you keep posting here. Even reading other people's is proving cathartic. I resist every day unfriending and blocking her everywhere. And tell her that despite agreeing maybe we could stay friends I cannot bring myself to ever see me having a friend who had in her to be so cruel

Today I attended my first therapy session. It's been almost three weeks. I don't hate you, but I don't want you back. You live your life like you're a 17 yr old and that was fun at first but I realise it was permanent. Your morality is too different. I went to therapy to alter the language I use on myself. To stop berating myself for not recognising numerous red flags. I did recognise them but I stayed because I wanted to. You were just being you. You infidelity was just a symptom of your constant need for attention from men. I forgive you. Good luck

I think it depends largely on why the original breakup occurred. If it was infidelity, even if you can find it in yourself to forgive (truly forgive), then damaged trust has to be rebuilt over time, and the perpetrator has to take the lead role. If that doesn't happen or starts and the wavers, BAIL. That person hasn't accepted full responsibility and will do it again. Likewise if the breakup happened because of too many arguments, and the *root* causes aren't addressed, then it's just a "comfort" reconciliation and won't last. Sorry to dampen the mood, but notwithstanding my handle, in my experience they don't work.