Yes, I've been thinking about you. Yes, I miss you, too.
This morning I thought about what if you return. If you do, on the heels of breakup from some nobody, that is nothing I want to hear about. That's for your guy friends and a professional paid therapist to sort out with you. I will not ever be a rebound, and especially not to another rebound. I will turn you away, if you try this.
I understand since our breakup that it is no financial benefit for me to ever marry. The reasons for marriage in the first place were sacramental and for legal rights in life events, upon all the tradition and love. But there is not benefit for me financially, and in a practical sense, I no longer see it as the certifier of solid commitment.
So what is left? If you returned, how would I ever be assured you would stay?
All I can think is that if you come back, it's going to be a long time of platonic and singular dating. You don't come back if you don't intend exclusivity. And once back, there has to be agreement that we both will stay through any disagreement or discomfort. In effect, a marriage without papers. There can't be anymore leaving or running; that's ruined us. You come back, do so with the intent of persevering through anything.
You were the one man I thought fully capable of that, and your decisions this summer have left me puzzled, angry, and cold. And none of them matter, when the blue feathers land on my lawn. As much as I have taken these months by the horns, it's like you are never fully gone.
If you return, only do so with inherent commitment to exclusivity, and to stay, through anything. Of anyone I know, we two should have been able to, from the start. No more false starts; no more panicked running.
Yes, I've been thinking of you. Yes, I've missed you, too. I hope you and your child are well.