eidetic

I feel absolutely devastated.

You are texting once a week or so. I am either answering lightly or not at all. If there is someone else, get rid of it.

What were you even thinking, with the fake FB friend request? That person is friends with the entire world. And not "in a relationship". He's married. Next time try someone less obvious.

Yes, I've been thinking about you. Yes, I miss you, too. This morning I thought about what if you return. If you do, on the heels of breakup from some nobody, that is nothing I want to hear about. That's for your guy friends and a professional paid therapist to sort out with you. I will not ever be a rebound, and especially not to another rebound. I will turn you away, if you try this. I understand since our breakup that it is no financial benefit for me to ever marry. The reasons for marriage in the first place were sacramental and for legal rights in life events, upon all the tradition and love. But there is not benefit for me financially, and in a practical sense, I no longer see it as the certifier of solid commitment. So what is left? If you returned, how would I ever be assured you would stay? All I can think is that if you come back, it's going to be a long time of platonic and singular dating. You don't come back if you don't intend exclusivity. And once back, there has to be agreement that we both will stay through any disagreement or discomfort. In effect, a marriage without papers. There can't be anymore leaving or running; that's ruined us. You come back, do so with the intent of persevering through anything. You were the one man I thought fully capable of that, and your decisions this summer have left me puzzled, angry, and cold. And none of them matter, when the blue feathers land on my lawn. As much as I have taken these months by the horns, it's like you are never fully gone. If you return, only do so with inherent commitment to exclusivity, and to stay, through anything. Of anyone I know, we two should have been able to, from the start. No more false starts; no more panicked running. Yes, I've been thinking of you. Yes, I've missed you, too. I hope you and your child are well.

The funny thing is that the scales may have completely tipped over or even broken, when I told you at whatever point that if we were married and you cheated on me, I probably would not divorce you. It's because I understand more about the heart and humanness than you might, and I know that long-run couples overcome these events. But I think something about that really scared you, and put too much pressure on you. Because you knew that I meant it. You knew that I valued you and the container of marriage and that I would go the full distance with you. I also understand that these events for you would likely be chronic, and that enduring them would likely cost me my health, or who knows, maybe my life. At least, my trust. So thank you for doing me this final favor. I don't blame or judge you for what you do. Some people are inherently not cut out for fidelity. That's where we differed, most of all, and I just didn't understand it fully until now.

Broke NC and personal form and phoned you today for the first time in months. It rang out to voicemail, so I left a pleasant reasonable message. That was like twelve hours ago and I have felt like a total crazy person ever since. Awesome.

I hope you are fine, wherever you are now. I hope I am, too.

I learned so much about loving, in loving you. Thank you, for every minute of it.

I can't help feeling it is totally wrong for me not to respond to your recent texts. But you know I want to hear your voice, and to see you here, and to hold your face in my hands. It isn't clear to me what you are doing, what you want, or even what happened to stun you away from me. I think I know, am sure I know, and then I know that I know nothing, and can't know unless or until you tell me. Your latest text to me was concise, at once a request and an order. I can't respond, because, I have no words. If I did, I would say the same to you, with love and hope. I won't contact you, because I do respect that you have chosen separate life, and I understand why. I understood years ago that this might happen, and that ultimately it is for the best. For your best, if not for mine. And I will survive it; I always survive. And I manage happiness every day. It's just that for so long, that happiness was in part directly connected to you. You have been and still are my favorite of all time. I dearly love you. I know you know that; never doubt it. Please keep trying. I can't respond right now, because I feel confused, hurt, and low. In part because despite your absence, and my reactions to it, I still feel sure you are my one. Please don't do anything that cannot be undone. I am wishing you all the best, and yet feel plagued that we didn't or couldn't find a compromise.

I miss talking to you about EVERYTHING. I understand why you have to go, and that your decision has little to nothing to do with me, or the quality of the love I felt and showed to you. All the same, I am heartfully sorry for the pain that I caused you, and the ways and times in which I was bad to you. I've always said it would take a lifetime of togetherness to give you even an inkling of the love I've felt for you. I've never felt it for anyone else, and I am stunned and stung, that you are gone. I miss my person, and I don't know how I will ever find another whose heart was so right for my own. And I wish you the very, very best of all things. I miss you, I love you dearly, and I hope you come home someday.