Mavrik

I dreamt that we had a conversation about a dream you had, in it you saw 2 sets of footprints walking along a beach, the footprints went on some distance. But at some points the two sets of footprints would become one set. You asked me what the footprints meant. I told you they were our footprints walking side by side together, and the times the footprints became one was when you went through difficult times in your life when we were together. You said that you didn't understand why at your most difficult times the footprints became one, and she had to walk alone during the difficult times, when I said I'd always be there for her. I replied 'there maybe one set of footprints during your difficult times, and that's because at those times I helped to carry you through the difficulties'. ...... I know JJ that due to what your going through at this time, you are losing friends hand over fist. I still love you loads and care about you loads, I was always there when so many weren't. I'd send you the above via email or whatsapp or put it on Facebook for everyone to read and know how much I care about you...... but I can't do that anymore 😢😢😢

Just one quick message I'm sending you to ask how you are. How is your holiday going and how did the event in London go? More so, how are you and are you sleeping better. You know where I am if you need anything Sending hugs xxx

All the times you said you wanted to make me happy, we would always be friends no matter what, love conquers all. And everything else you always said, clearly wasn't true as look what you did to me. I know what lengths you go to, to look for love and for people to like you and care for you, yet you don't see the endless outcomes of what you do and the many many broken relationships you leave behind. You blame everyone else yet fail to accept your BPD is causing issues for you and had put you in the position you are in now. Yet you don't want to accept this I'm angry at your friends for not being there for you, for them telling you what you want to hear rather than what they should tell you. I'm angry at your family for not stepping up when they can see what's happening, im angry at myself for the hopelessness I feel In being able to step up as I know if I do, you will do what you always do and that's to attack me and shut down. You knew my past and the reason I have the big wall around me and I NEVER let anyone in. I lowered this wall for you after all the things you said, that you were different to everyone else and would never hurt me. Your just like everyone else.

I'm really really struggling. I walk past your desk where we worked together, the number of times we sat at this desk and shared our thoughts, feelings, problems. Now it's empty and I have no where to turn anymore when I'm struggling at work. I hate being there and miss having you there. I tried so hard in this relationship to be 'different', to be different to all those other men that had walked in and out of your life. The 12 months we had together passed by so fast and we had so many great times. The times I serenaded you, the cartoons I drew for you, the many jokes we told, the flowers the meals, wether we were in a posh expensive restaurant or sharing cake sat in my car, we enjoyed every occassion. I looked after you when you were ill and no one else was there. You know how much I did for you and I know how many others didn't. We were special, you were special to me, I was special to you. You tried to push me away so many times, I told you I was different and would stay by your side as the reason you tried to push me away was because you thought I'd leave you like everyone else had and I know you were testing my love for you. You said some very hurtful things which I forgave you for as I knew what you were trying to do. But in the end you ended it. It was very painful and everytime I got over it you walked back into my life. However much you try to hide it and your so called friends chose to ignore it. I know you suffer from BPD, and the way you treated me isn't you. I saw your condition worsen and you are now where you are. And things are not going to end well as your on a destructive path and everyone can see it and are choosing to step away and disengage from you, rather than be there for you. Your going to lose so much for a fight that isn't yours to fight. I wish you wouldn't do this to yourself. It's now been 2 weeks since we last spoke, and people ask me all the time how you are doing and I don't know what to say to them, as I don't know myself how you are. I know that no one is stepping up and your reaching out to so many people and they step away. Yet you don't reach out to me. When I was the only one that was truly there for you no matter what. I continue with my entertainment role and make so many people laugh and they think I'm a breath of fresh air and they want to spend time with me and always say that 'I bet you have lots of girls on the go and I bet your a ladies man', but they don't know how much I still love you and how much I miss you and how much this all hurts me every day. Lots of things remind me of you and the thing that hurts the most is seeing you destroying yourself and not even realising what's going on. Last time I saw you, you just sat in my arms when I held you close and you cried and cried and cried and then said you were ok. I so still want to be there and I still love you so much and I know the only time you will contact me again is when you have lost everything. I love you lots JJ x