WombatShadow

Bumping because I'm seeing my ex tomorrow and could use the good vibes. In the meantime...have another story, ironically from a coworker of my ex's. S, we'll call her, had been married to K for twenty years. They had at least one child together, but their relationship was beginning to wane. In the end, they had a big fight (there might have been cheating involved, but I don't think so) and divorced. They didn't speak to or about each other for about seven years, except when it came to their kid(s). Both of them had long-term relationships that didn't pan out. Then their kid got married, and they were forced to be civil to one another in the lead up to the wedding. By the time of the wedding, they weren't being forced to be civil anymore, but were in fact enjoying spending time together, and ended up hooking up the night of their kid's wedding. Less than a year down the road, they had a "Take 2" ceremony and have been married for about two years now. My ex and I ended up eating dinner on Valentine's Day with them last year (long story), and they are so happy together.

Hi Hope, I meant a B-movie romantic comedy (so not one that's great, but not super bad either). You know, the ones full of cheesy lines and stuff that would never happen in real life. I don't know that it's not okay for women to chase men. That's how I got my (now ex) in the first place; he clearly had feelings for me, but was too afraid to act on them. I had to do all the leg work hahaha. That being said, I took a look through your profile and saw what you posted about No Contact. Honestly, NC is not meant to be used as a means of getting your man back; it's meant to allow you to heal, move on, and become yourself once again (we all tend to lose ourselves in our relationships to some extent). It sounds like you're still pretty wrapped up in your ex, which means you might want to throw yourself into hobbies, hanging out with friends, etc. before you break No Contact. If you chase your ex right now, it's going to come across as desperate (and that's exactly the opposite of what you want). Also, don't just bombard your ex with love and showers of affection. That is rarely going to work. Instead, play it cool. When your ex fell for you in the first place, he didn't fall for you because you were constantly telling him how much you loved him, right? He fell in love with your laugh, your sense of humor, your rockin' bod, your brain...he fell in love with you. You need to find that person again before you try to get him back. In my dad's case, I think it helped that a) my parents were long distance at the time (and phone calls were expensive back then!) and b) my dad had time to get back into his jocular, goofy self. According to my mom, it didn't hurt that he got ripped and really threw himself into his studies. He not only found himself again, he found/created the best version of himself. That's what you (and I, and everyone else looking for their ex to return) need to do. EDIT: In keeping with the theme of this thread...my aunt recently moved back in with her ex-husband from 10+ years ago. She says it's just until her new place is ready, but she's been cooking dinner for him and watching TV with him every night since she moved into his basement, and she's accompanying him to doctor appointments and family commitments. When they divorced, they continued to live together for like six months before he finally moved out, and they have been in Low Contact since then (though she remained quite close to his entire family, even after moving 4 hours away). And now, they're living together again...I'm just waiting to see if this is really a temporary situation.

That's exactly it. I originally started on this thread with the thought of "Well, gosh, if these people have all gotten back together/know people who did, surely I can take their advice and apply it to my own situation!", but the farther in I got the more I realized that I was asking the impossible of this thread and these people. Some of them went NC, some of them stayed besties; some of them were apart for years, others were apart for just a few months; some of them left because of a fight, others broke it off because one or both parties just "fell out of love". I continued reading these because it's fun and a day-brightener, but there are no magic answers buried in here or any other place on the Web. Anyhow, to stay on topic, another (less happy) story: My brother (John) had been dating his high school girlfriend (Alice) for nine months. They'd had their share of arguments, mostly because of a male friend of Alice's that she spent suspicious amounts of time with, but they seemed pretty happy. Then, one day, Alice and her "friend" were super late to musical rehearsal, and everyone including John believed that they'd been having sex. John confronted Alice, who broke it off with him because she didn't like being yelled at. Things were ugly for a while. Most of their mutual friends sided with John, but Alice wasn't without allies in their little war. She ended up convincing their boss to fire John that summer, and so he suddenly became unemployed. He made sure she didn't get cast in the summer musical that they both auditioned for. However, the flipside of hatred is passion, and things were quite strong between the two of them. They ended up getting back together just before John left for college, and although they fought (mostly the distance this time), John really thought that they would be married. Out of the blue, about a year after it happened the first time, Alice dumped John again to be with her "friend". However, he wasn't waiting for her anymore, and so Alice was left with one guy who hated/loved her and another guy who didn't care about her in the slightest. Alice came crawling back to John again that summer, and John thought that the third time was the charm. Unfortunately (so he thought at the time), it wasn't. Alice informed John in September that she had had a boyfriend for the whole length of their last reunion, but that she'd love to stay FWBs. He thought he was the boyfriend, and the revelation that it wasn't true made him break things off with her entirely. This all went down nearly ten years ago. Alice has had several long-term relationships, but always sniffs around John when she's in between beaus just to see if there's any interest left. John, on the other hand, is now married to an amazing woman and has an adorable baby girl, and has completely spurned any advances made by Alice. So, it is a happy ending for John, but not in a reconciliation sense. Nonetheless, it does show that the dumpers do come back (and back, and back, and back again at times).

Wow, it's been a wild couple of weeks reading through all of these! They really do brighten your mood I do know one fun story to share: A young woman had just graduated college and moved back home, two or so hours away. She'd been on one date with this guy before she graduated, but he was local to their college and still enrolled, so she figured that would be the end of that. Instead, to her utter bewilderment, he somehow tracked down her address the fall after she graduated, drove all the way down to see her, and then ended up tracking her down at a football game she was attending in another town. She was teaching, but still living with her parents, so he had to sleep on the couch that night (and her dad slept in the armchair beside him!). They began dating regularly after that. She'd drive up to see him and her other friends, he'd occasionally come down to hang out with her. This lasted for a year or so before she began to get bored with it. They were so different: he was a sports nut, she was a reader; she was quiet and sarcastic, he was loud and happy. She ended up telling him that it wasn't working out and left him in the dust, maybe a year and a few months after they started going steady. A few months after that, she began dating somebody different from the college that a friend set her up with. However, it seemed like everywhere she and her new man went...her ex happened to be there. They went out to eat, and he'd sit a few tables away from them. They'd go bowling, and he'd set up in the lane next to them. They'd go to the park on a nice spring afternoon, and he'd show up to play Frisbee. Eventually, she got tired of seeing him around every time she tried to hang out with her new man and so confronted him on the issue while they were sitting in an ice cream parlor. His response? "Well, I figured that if you kept seeing me around, you'd eventually figure out that I'm your ideal man." She, of course, snapped at him and told him to stop being ridiculous. Then she walked back to her table, told her new man that it wasn't working out, and went to sit with her ex. My parents got married a year or so after that, and have been together for over 35 years now. So, you can do everything wrong, as dear old Dad did, but when there's true love...well, it wins out. Post Script: I do not endorse stalking your ex as a means to get them back. I'm 99% sure my parents accidentally lived a couple of years in a B-romcom; it's the only explanation I have as to how that line actually worked for my dad.

That's the most important thing. You (and all of us, for that matter) have to learn to kick it on our own before we can even consider getting back the ex. Learning to be single again is the hardest thing, but it's soooo worth it.

Day 0, because he called and I answered. The conversation cheered me up so much, which is just ridiculous. He made some small talk at first, and I asked about his mother's health. Then I asked if he still wanted to see the show I have tickets for this weekend; he said no, but only because his mother wants/needs him to help her. It could be just an excuse, but I don't think so. He also mentioned that he'd been talking about me with some mutual friends, so he was pretty aware of what was going on in my life. He doesn't know about the (disastrous) date I went on last night, and I'm not sure if I'm planning to tell him. His main reason for calling was to ask about another friend of ours, with whom there is some drama. We talked about that for almost half an hour, and even acknowledged the breakup several times during the conversation (with no real emotion on my end, but he sounded very stiff and awkward about it...hm...). I had to end the phone call because my lunch hour was on the cusp of ending, which was a mixed blessing (I really wanted to talk some more, but he also seemed to want to talk more, and by ending the conversation I controlled our back-and-forth for the first time since before the breakup). Part of our scheming re is that my ex will be organizing a birthday gathering for himself in three weeks' time, and he wants me there. I honestly think I'm ending No Contact and moving into Low/Light Contact. I won't initiate (much), but if he's going to talk to me or if any further revelations come up with our friend, it's silly to ignore him. I just won't talk about our relationship at all until I can get him alone and in person, and even then only if the vibe is leading us there.

Day 12. Last night I had the best/worst dream. I approached him in his apartment after No Contact had ended and gently explained my reasoning and laid out a plan of action for starting over. He agreed with me and wrapped his arms around me and just...held me. Kissed my forehead a few times, told me that we'd be okay, that we were still a team. And then I woke up, and for a solid minute I thought it was true. Then I shook myself off and went back to sleep, only to have the same dream again. And then a third time. Annnnd my whole day was ruined as a result of this crazy cycle of dream reconciliations. I just want to hold him again.

I'm a few minutes late by my clock, but since I haven't gone to bed yet... Day 11. Today was weird. I was all torn up at work and have no real reason for it. Just...there was this sense of hopelessness that fell over me right at the start of my work day, and I remained glum (almost teary at points) until after 3. But then I stopped myself and shook my head (well, metaphorically). Moping around isn't what I need at all. It's not helping me, or him, or my self-esteem, or our chances at reconciliation. So I came up with two ideas: the first being how I will break No Contact once my thirty days are up (perhaps I shouldn't be counting so severely, but I think thirty days is a good trial number) and the second being...dyeing my hair. I'm currently sitting on my couch with freshly-dyed green streaks, though I haven't seen how they look yet. I needed a change, and this is something I've always wanted to try. Good days ahead.

Day 10. Today was a really good day, for whatever reason. I was able to think of him and smile fondly.

Day 9. A former coworker called me on behalf of her son to ask me on a date. It was super awkward, and I was so thrown by her actions (and by the fact that her son was clearly listening in on speaker phone) that I ended up saying yes. We're going out this Saturday. I am full of dread. I'm not ready to be dating again, even casually. I just want to talk to my ex again. Almost a third of the way through.

Day 7. It hasn't been too bad today because I've been at work, but I did overhear a hilarious conversation among some students that would have had my ex in stitches had I texted it to him. I wish more than anything that I could tell him that, but I don't think it'd be worth it. I keep going back and forth, wondering if I really want him back or if I can just be his friend. I really think we had something special, but maybe that was all in my head...I don't know.

I'm late to the party, but this is Day 6 of No Contact for me. 15 days since the breakup, and one week precisely since the post-breakup explosion. It's been rough, gang. With my decision not to be friends for the timebeing, I have fractured our group. We all had plans to hang out yesterday, and of course I couldn't go. One friend couldn't make it at the last minute, so my third friend and my ex were alone. I know all of this because my friend who did hang out with him told me about it this morning. No specifics, but he did let me know that he was okay (we're convinced he's depressed in a clinical sense, and he has been shutting himself off from friends for a while; I asked our friends to keep an eye on him and keep in touch with him regularly so he doesn't do anything drastic, because I was previously his main contact). While I'm relieved that he's okay, it killed me not to join them last night. I wanted to bombard my friend with specific questions, but for now I'm just glad my ex is okay. He's been taking this breakup really hard, and so have I of course, but as he's the one who did it...well, I just worry for him. I forgot to eat yesterday, I was so wrapped up in worry and dating/breakup/reconciliation articles. My mom came into town today, and we went mattress shopping. When she asked what I'd had for dinner and I realized that I hadn't eaten since Friday evening, she whisked me off for a burger and chastisement for not caring for myself. She's moved on from hating my ex's guts and seems to think that there's a chance for us to get back together. She and he were quite close, with the same brand of sarcastic wit that seems to be instilled to all good teachers during college. We talked about sex and the lack thereof in our relationship, and she put forth that it's performance anxiety combined with stress from work. She also mentioned that she'd seen him watch me throughout our relationship when I wasn't looking, and that the look in his eyes hadn't changed in the 3+ years we'd been dating/almost dating, so she thinks that if he was attracted to me in the first place that he was still attracted to me, at least back at Christmas. That was good to know, in a bittersweet way. We also went to my brother's place, which was both cathartic and a struggle. My brother and I talked in his garage for a while, and he told me that as much as this sucks now, I need to put myself back in first place. I take after my father in that aspect: I put my own importance behind others. He doesn't think my ex and I had a good relationship, but he's of the mind that everyone needs to experience heartbreak before they could have true love (going off his own life experience, of course) and he thinks that long-distance rarely works out. He kept affirming his previous statements that I won't be alone forever, and I finally broke down and told him of my previous online dating experiences (either jerks wanting sexual favors or even bigger jerks telling me I'm ugly/fat and need to kill myself). I'm so scared that I'll have to put myself back out there, because it was so horrible last time. I cried a lot more than I'd like to admit, but at least his baby girl seemed to sense that I wasn't doing well because she kept tottering to me (she's just learning to walk) and cuddling me a lot more than she normally does. That was helpful. And now I'm here, typing anonymously on forums instead of talking to my ex. God, I miss him. I want to ask how his mom is (though his sister is keeping me well-informed), I want to ask how his class is, I want to joke about his ridiculous reading group that he's only in so the school would pay for the book and give him a post-Masters credit...I want to burrow my face into his neck and breathe in that scent that could never be completely covered up by cologne, I want to run my fingers through his hair, I want to kiss him goodbye with all the fervor that we used to kiss with. This whole breakup thing sucks.