I don't know really where to start and I guess the best place is I don't know if me and my girlfriend should continue being in a relationship.
We have 2 kids together who are 3 and 5 years old. We've been together just over 6 years and we've been through alot in them 6 years. I do love her and my kids but I feel torn in our relationship because it feels like a constant head *** and I feel as though I'm getting to a point where a decision needs to be made either to keep going or give up because its eating away at me everyday.
At the start of our friendship everything was fun and kinda care free. I had feelings for her and I also had feelings for another girl who I was pursuing at the time but that eventually came to an end. My girlfriend now but back at the start also had a thing going with the assistant manager at the store we where working together at and me and her where just friends/colleagues and I didn't want to try anything more with her because of her feeling towards the assistant manager which was very complicated for her because he was married. As time went on we got closer and closer where we talked every day, both of us admittedly looked at the rota to see if we where gonna be working together or not and would also hang out after work and gey high.
Fast forward and things for her and the assistant manager didn't work out and not long after that me and her hooked and then again and again to which I said I can't keep doing this kinda thing if where just gonna remain friends because my feeling are too strong, so we then became boyfriend and girlfriend. It wasn't long after maybe 6-8 months in we fell pregnant.
We had to stay with her mum for 3 years because we had no place of our own and she didn't trust me because of my issues from the past. I fell into a dark depression just before we started going out where I had to leave my job to try and get better. I was sexually abused by my brother when I was 5 years old and I didn't think much of it at all through out my life until I turned 24 and it started croping up in my head more and more to the point I had nightmares every night waking up in sweats which last for over a year. I've had cousilling for it now but at the time of me and my girlfriend getting together it was really getting at me to the point where I didn't really go out, I just stayed in my room and deteriorated really. I would've acted out in anger at work for silly thing or even stuff just in my life and because of this she had her back up with me which I could understand especially since we where expecting and she wasn't sure moving in together was a good idea even though we where on the housing list. At the time she never said this to me that she didn't trust me just kind of said no to houses that we got offered. It was only when our first child turned 3 she admitted it.
Living with her mum was an absolute nightmare because she never let me raise my son because we had different views on how to parent or she would just interven. She even punched my girlfriend on a couple of occasions even once when she was pregnant with our 2nd. They fought all the time, sometimes I was there and sometimes I wasn't because of work, I was trying to get a job and battle my denons at the same time so holding down a job I found very difficult. This is really only the short version of what happened at the time.
Because I didn't exactly deal with my depression very well it eventually got to the point where I would hear people voices either when I was alone or when I was around them. I heard them all the time when we lived with her mum and at times I was convinced her and her family would actually play on it to manipulate me or to try and get me to freak out for some reason. Me and her mum didn't get on that well at all and it even got to the point where she kicked me out when I was trying to protect my son from getting hurt when we where helping her move house which we where also ment to be moving with. She would've always made a dig as to how I was brought up by implying my parents dragged me up and she didn't want that for our first born which she was over the moon about when we announced it to her but when we fell pregnant with our 2nd she wasn't and even admitted to me that she didn't have the same love for the 2nd as she did for our 1st born.
I've always had this feeling though that because of her family and all off them putting voices in her head that it's got to the point now where somebody wants somebody to slip up and be like ha I told you so, your family is the crazy family not mine.
This is really only the short version of everything that had happed I'd really need to write a book to get everything down but that would be far too long.
My girlfriend and my relationship now is almost to the point where we don't have sex and don't touch each other unless I make the first move and even then there's the chance I'd get rejected or be made to feel that I'm getting in the way by even just trying to give her a kiss. I don't feel as though I'm over the top I'm just the kind of guy that will act out my love not talk about it. More a man off action than words is a better way to put it. She's never really been overly affectionate physically, more with her words just, she kind of gets really uncomfortable when I try to even just hold hands with her walking down the street.
I guess I just don't feel loved the way I think I should be and I don't know if that is wrong
