cleo123

Hey M, I wish we never met. There, I said it. The other night a memory crossed my mind I thought I had successfully blocked; it was of us at Stater Brothers buying grocery, and we decided it’d be funny to carry a dozen mayonnaise jars in our arms and ask the store clerk where we can get more. I don’t know why I even remember this ridiculous, stupid moment but I do and I know you don’t. And it’s memories like these that somehow creep into my head and remind me- I wish we never met. M, I don’t really believe in reincarnation, but your love was so deep that I wish, if I had a life after this, i’d meet your soul again and I would make that time work. because I’m afraid the sort of love and connection we had is the kind that comes once in a lifetime. I know I said I wish we never met, but only because I am still struggling to find a romantic bond as substantial as the one you and I shared. you know, today I was watching this show and there was this happily taken dude who got stuck in a situation with his ex girlfriend. she’s drunk and clinging on to him out of familiar comfort. she tells him, slurring her words and half asleep, “The best part is you’re happy. So, at least one of us is happy. I think that’s the good part- that one of us is happy.” The dude looks pretty sad for her, and i hate that i could see you in him. Because i know you’d want me to be happy too, but you can’t play any part of it. But i can relate to the ex, god I’m so happy for you. I tell all my friends that because it’s true. still it doesn’t change the fact that this life thing was a lot less stressful with you around. you were it, M. and I hate that you were right. you said no one is ever going to love me as much as you did, and I have dated so many dudes and it never worked out. and when I do fall hard for someone, he doesn’t take my feelings into consideration the way you did. no one loves me like you did. There’s times when i’m over you, and then i realize it’s just because i’m distracted. it’s been over a year. I wish we never met. loving you always.

4 months later and after all the pain I've been through, I'm still praying to God you get home safely, that you're finding your happiness, that you don't feel guilty for breaking my heart, and that you one day fall in love with a girl who will treat you better than I ever could. I'm still writing about you every day, still crying here and there, still dreaming of you. I never knew the one person who showed me unconditional love is the same person who had me endure the worst pain in my life. I still have my days when im internally begging and hoping one day you'd come back and tell me you ed up and how we belong together. Although, i'm still broken over the break up, i have improved so much more in all other aspects of my life. I fell back in love with writing, I'm back in touch with so many old friends and made so many new ones, I'm social again, and i found the person i once was. Relationships have this weird way of making you lose yourself. I just wish you could meet the new and improved me. I miss you dearly baby. I hope one day I can fall in love with someone who loves me as much as I love you.