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snr

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  1. Gosh can't believe I'm back here but I had flashbacks to how much time I spent on here this time last year and thought I'd share an update about what happened to me and my ex, aswell as an actual reconciliation of my ex. So my story with my ex isn't a get back together story but it goes to show that whatever happens between people you can make things up. If you want the backstory of how/ why we broke up you can see some threads I started last year. Anyhow long story short together for nearly 2 years, broke up in December 2016 because he couldn't handle being in a relationship and this was after a few months of him mistreating me. He was desperately trying to get back into relationships only a couple of weeks after we broke up, turned out he'd become suicidally depressed and sleeping with anything with a pulse was the only way to keep him sane. I spent every single day pining desperately after him, wishing he'd get back in touch and realise I was the one for him. Several months after we break up we end up getting back in touch when I remembered I'd left some stuff as his. We ended up becoming best friends (and by that I mean I became his best friend and he treated me worse than he had done the last few weeks of our relationship), every single time we'd interact I'd be left in tears because he'd flaunt other women in my face despite knowing I still loved me, berated me, used me (we were FWB, I lent him money, gave him advise for his business and did loads of work for him despite having exams). Eventually after 3 months of this torture I snapped when behind the wheel (I was a new and super nervous driver without being reduced to tears) and what happened was one of the worst hours of my life as he assumed I was trying to kill myself and so after throwing me out the car, he proceeded to put me into multiple situations where I thought he was trying to kill me so by the time the police came I had him immediately arrested (something that would have absolutely destroyed every life plan he had if they'd so much have given him a caution) and both of us swore blind that we were done because neither of us could cope with the other. And we both meant it. The week after I'd sent him a letter saying that I realised why he'd done what he had but that he'd completely misjudged my actions and that I never for even a split second did anything out of malice but following that had realised that was it. In this time I actually let go of the idea that we could even be friends (I stupidly made a £100 bet with a friend that we wouldn't be friends this side of 30), let alone anything more and that he wouldn't spit on me if I were on fire. Nearly 6 months after this happened, I had to email him as his last payment of the money I lent hadn't gone through (it was a weekend) and he replied and asked if I'd like to meet up to clear the air about what had happened. He came over thinking that I was going to scream at him for being a and I went into the conversation expecting likewise, instead we spent about 6 hours just talking through what had happened over the summer and understanding where the other had been coming from. He'd still been depressed and as he had when we were together was taking it out on me and wanted to make amends. Anyhow that was nearly 4 months ago and we're now best friends with one another. It's starting to get a bit messy as I'm starting to develop feelings for him and I think he is for me too, however I know with absolute certainty he doesn't want me back. We talk every day without fail and the one time I went MIA for a day he started to panic. It's really strange because our relationship now is better than when we were together, I can call him out of he's being unreasonable and he'll apologise and immediately stop it, e's not afraid to call me out either and we don't argue any more and all the hard feelings we have have all but gone. We're literally each other's go to person now when we're having a bad day or have good news to share. He appreciates me now and takes the time to tell me how important I am on a regular basis and how much I've helped him. I'm sad that it's not going to become anything more and I was that I was over him well over a year post-breakup, but I'm so happy I at least got this after spending a year believing I was his biggest regret and meant nothing to him. Now in the time between us breaking up and our summer friendship I had a short term relationship with a guy (2 months), who I eventually broke up with when I realised I didn't have any real feelings for him and was likely rebounding. Anyway a few months later, around the same time I become friends with my ex, he comes to me and tells me that he'd realised that he was still in love with his ex 3 years after breaking up with him. They broke up because he couldn't handle the level of commitment she was pushing for and they had regular arguments because she was a party animal and he was quite insecure. He basically spent 3 years constantly being in relationships, of which I was one of the longest so not very serious to try and avoid his feelings. He'd talked to his friends about it who had all told him it was a bad idea and I told him he should spend some time getting to become her friend again to see if he loved the person she'd evolved into in the time they were apart. Anyway they became friends for about a month or two before he finally asked her back. They've been together over 6 months now and she's moving in with him. He says in retrospect it was the best thing that happened, there was no way they could have made the relationship work as it was back then and by having time apart they naturally worked on the problems they had. So happy for them both.
  2. I had initially said to myself that I'd only post in here if I got back with my ex but I've decided I'm more than happy with him out of my life for good, so here are the stories I know of reconciliation/ returning lovers: 1) My great auntie and uncle are the most amazing couple I have ever met - they've been married over 55 years with 3 kids and they are still very much in love (if I could have a relationship half as beautiful as theirs, I would die happy). Anyway, my uncle said that as soon as he laid eyes on her, he knew he'd marry her. They started dating pretty soon after that, and had been going about ~1 year before my uncle had to do his national service over in Korea, I also think they were a little bit on the rocks. My auntie was only 17 and wasn't ready for marriage so they decided to split up as he was expected to be out there for up to 2 years. He went and served his time, I believe he may have dated someone over there and my auntie met someone else and came very close to marrying him from what I heard. Anyway, he returned from Korea a few months after my auntie had split from her ex and they quickly reunited and I doubt have spent more than a day or two apart ever since. 2) My parents aren't exactly the best example but I remember them splitting at least a good dozen times in my lifetime. From what I know, my parents split fairly early on in their relationship when my dad used to put football ahead of my mum, after only 2-3 months (I think) he decided he loved her about as much as he did football (which is saying something) and they reunited. I think they lasted for about another year or two before they split again because my mum wanted to experience other guys. Anyway, she dates a guy briefly, realised her mistake and crawls back not long after. Couple years later I was born and then my brother. After the birth of my brother my mum developed severe post-natal and frequently tried to kill herself, as a result my dad developed a very serious alcohol addiction to deal with it all - over the next 10 years my parents would split at least a dozen times (usually my mother ending things saying she couldn't cope with my dad, but also on rarer times, the reverse), sometimes it would last for no more than a week and I think the longest was about 9 months. Eventually when I was about 10/ 11, they reconciled having both dealt with their problems. They lasted another 8 years before my mum decided that she wanted to end things with my dad. He was heartbroken at the time and I think everyone assumed they'd be back together eventually but she's now remarried I think and he's been with his now live in girlfriend for nearly 2 years (and me and the brother are pushing for a wedding) - he has however always said he was glad they kept getting back together as it gave him us and made him a stronger person. 3) My best friend is in early reconciliation with her ex. They went out for only about 6 months before he had to go for a year long work experience at the other end of the country, they talked about doing LDR but both decided against it. Not long after they mutually broke up she made me vow never to let her go back to him and pointed to 3 sheets of A4 of reasons they were better off apart. They've both been with other people in a very casual capacity but I don't think any of them have dated/ been in an actual relationship. They had NC for a month, spoke briefly for a couple of weeks, then did 2 months NC. Then over the past 3-4 months they've gone to talking to each other almost 24 hours a day, they Skype, send each other pictures constantly and always find excuses to chat. When he came up for a visit last month, they shared a bed (not sure if she meant simply in a literal "we slept together" or erm ... "we slept together and it just so happened to be in my bed") and basically acted like they were already a couple without having a discussion first. Before he left they checked that they didn't want to do LDR (they didn't) and so went about life. Basically when he comes back in September we all know they'll be back together - they are at the moment, just they're both refusing the label because they don't like the idea of LDR. (Personally I don't think it will last as she's a devout Christian who wants marriage + kids, he's a very cynical atheist and also despises the idea of marriage/ kids but they're both adamant to make it work when he's back). 4) When telling a friend of mine about all the bullcrap my ex had done since we broke up, she said she'd had an almost identical situation. They'd been going out shy of a year, he'd become depressed and started to treat her poorly and eventually dumped her. During their break up he almost immediately started shagging anything with a pulse and would try and use their mutual friends to flaunt this, on the few occasions they spoke he would make hurtful comments and by the end of it she became convinced he had never loved her. Throughout most of it all, she said she would have done anything to have him back. By about 9 months she started dating people and a few months later she realised she much preferred to be with other people. A year after the break up, he turned up and explained that he was sorry for everything that he had done and that he had only acted the way he had because he was hurt and still in love with her but didn't know it - think they were NC for most of it, with only the odd meeting due to mutual friends in the meantime. He begged and pleaded for her to get back with him but she explained that she didn't want to get back with him but wanted to remain friends. He became a vision of the "typical dumpee" in begging, pleading, minor stalking and trying to use mutual friends to get her back. Since she moved to uni I believe they've become friends, but he still wants her back even now. 5) At least 2 of my ex's exes have tried to get back with him, one dumped him and the other cheated on him, then he dumped her. He's genuinely didn't seem to realise, but it was clear they wanted him back, only he was with me and once I pointed it out he made sure they knew where he stood. But in both their cases there was another guy involved (first only emotionally cheated and the second physically), but when it didn't work out they both tried crawling back. From what I know, I think if the first one had come back within the year after them breaking up, he'd have gone back within a heartbeat (first teenage love and all that). 6) When I told my counselor about my breakup he told me about one of his best friends, they'd been dating in sixth form and had ended it a few months before they left for uni as neither thought it was really working and didn't want to do LDR whilst they went to university. They went on, both dated and had serious relationships with other people, then by chance one happened to move to the same city the other was in and they had a happen chance meeting. Must have still had some feelings for each other, and they decided to give it another go. They've apparently been married over 35 years and are one of the best couples he knows. 7) Bit of a sad one. I recently found out one of my favourite couples had split (they'd been together 8 years, had bought a house and I had assumed would eventually marry and breed - she certainly wanted that). I did a bit of digging and by the sounds of it, he reconnected with an old girlfriend at the later stages of their relationship and realised he loved his ex more than he did his then girlfriend. He dumped her realising it was unfair that he keep her in a loveless relationship and after about 6 months decided to pursue his ex. They both seem massively in love (which is awful because his now-ex is clearly still heartbroken). 8) My best friend in the whole wide world has broken up with her ex about 3 times previously, through a 10 year relationship. The first time she discovered he'd cheated and got another girl pregnant, so she decided to bin him. Think they were apart about a year, where she only saw one guy (I think it was only actually one date they had) and he saw no-one else, the other woman unfortunately had a miscarriage and after a year he came back pleading with her saying he'd changed, she was thinking about trying to get him back at the time anyhow and they got back together. The other time, he'd just been sent to prison for drug offences and she'd only had their baby a few months beforehand and so she decided she didn't want that in her life and ended it again. He used to call her and say it'd been a mistake and how he was gonna change for him and his daughter and eventually got back with him. Anyway he's been awful to her (impressively whilst still being in prison) due to his insecurity and jealousy and she's ended it again. Gonna have to help her stay strong and not go back again, unfortunately it was a case of a super controlling and manipulative boyfriend. 9) I don't know the details but my grandma admitted to breaking up with my grandad at some point in their "early-ish courtship", didn't seem like something she wanted to talk about so didn't pry but they've been married 52 years now so they clearly worked past it. 10) There's a guy who is a friend of mine from a voluntary organisation (and who my ex used to work with on occasions), he and his girlfriend have broken up at least twice in the last 3 years. I think the first one was very minor, barely a few weeks and the latter one was over 6 months, possibly closer to a year. I think the latter time he broke up with her because he didn't think he loved her as much anymore - everyone assumed that was it for them because they never seemed happy in the first place (the ex also reckons there was a lot more minor breakups in betweenbut I can't confirm either way and he hated him so ...). Anyway, he was working with my ex and he mentions that he went on dates/ slept with quite a few people and realised she was the one and she fortunately took him back (after apparently sleeping with half the people in said voluntary organisation). They seem pretty happy together on facebook but I think they're too embarrassed to go public yet and are pretending to be friends until a longer time has gone (think they've been back together only about 3 months or so). In all honesty there are still quite a lot of people I know who've got back with their exes at one point or another, but I don't know any other details other than what I can gleam from facebook. For anyone going through those awful early days of a breakup, I know it's crap but it does get so much better. I'm only 2 and a half months post-BU and whilst I still miss being able to talk to him and do things with him, I'm perfectly happy knowing that I'll find someone much better with time. I know reading these things does help massively (for me it instilled the philosophy of "the right person will find their way to you, whether him or someone better" which meant I was able to heal far quicker than I ever thought I could) but don't let it be the only thing you do to cope. Hope and obsessing about reconciliation will make things easy in the immediate aftermath of a break up but you eventually need to try and let go of that, otherwise you just drag out the suffering (writing this, a small 1% of me wants to think we'll be back together but I've had enough time now to simply ignore it and understand it'll probably be there until I find someone new rather than helping to fuel the flames like I used to). Honestly the people's advise here is brilliant so try and listen, even if at times it can sound harsh and judgmental. For example the friend in #3 probably hates me because when she asks for advise/ thoughts on her situation I'll tell her the truth and it hurts and she will make excuse after excuse so as to undermine my opinion/ not do what I recommended, and in doing so everyone who knows her is aware that she is making herself more miserable now and in the future. The truth will probably hurt and the best thing for you will likely seem like the most painful option. Try not to build your healing around reconciliation, for example do NC but for you, rather than just being like "I will NC them for 30 days and try and reconcile", try and do it until you reach a point where you can honestly say "I don't care if you are in or out of my life" - as it's likely the safest basis for a friendship/ retry. And in a weird way a lot of good can come from a break up, in order to get over the pain you have to do stuff in order to survive - see your friends, go on holiday, hit the gym, learn a language, pick up a new hobby. I've done more stuff in the past couple of months than in the entire time I was with my ex and whilst that hasn't completely negated the pain, it's meant I'm more excited about my future (compared to the couple of weeks crying in my bed). If you actually take the time to get better and get stronger, life has a way of making things work out like it should - them or someone else. Also in pretty much all of my stories, the "dumpee" had moved on and started living and enjoying their life. I know of a fair few people who plotted to get their ex back and it seemed to blow up in their faces but once they stopped that and allowed room for someone else to enter their life, they found the right person (and in a couple of cases, it was their ex). I know with a fair few of them, they never stopped loving their ex, but they were at a point where they genuinely thought there was no chance and were happy enough to carry on without them. Another common thing is time - the ones that worked out were apart for longer because they had time to grow, heal and forgive each other for whatever hurt had been done before. Anyhow that's my 2 cents. If I ever wander back and have more exciting stories, I shall post them.
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