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girltalkCA

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  1. As any good therapist, she doesn't "tell me what to do" but guides me through my process. Pretty much everyone in my life, family, friends, and I'm sure my therapist advise me that this is not a healthy relationship or person.
  2. This is the direction I am leaning towards. We weren't officially in a "relationship" this time around, we were just "dating". Plus, there is a chance at some point I'd want to stay friends, or maybe I won't. I don't have the answers right now. That's why I'm feeling it best to just pull back and let things happen naturally (even if that means naturally just never talking to each other). Actions speak louder than words. We've both done this before, to some degree. And yes, if she wanted to talk, she would reach out to me. Somehow I have the feeling we are both don't know what to do and therefore not doing anything.
  3. Thank you for this! The problem is it could take months for her to "calm down" so I'm not sure if I should just stop communicating and the fact that she isn't communicating makes it mutual or if I should reach out even if I'm unsure of what I want to say or what direction to go.
  4. I've been dating my ex for the last 3 months. We've broken up multiple times over similar issues. She is bipolar and has been cycling through manic/depressive states for the last 2 years. She is on medication and doing ECT and coming off off a really bad depressive state. We decided to reconnect and date because we do love and care for one another. Unfortunately, the same issues keep coming up (her illness, inability to hold down a job, and just stay healthy). I also play my part too as the Fixer and always focusing on her instead of my own life. Three days ago, we got into what seemed like a silly argument but turned into something more. I'm sensing she is cycling again, because regardless of what I said, she couldn't rationally hear me which she normally does. Plus, I've seen this before right before she cycles. So instead of going in circles arguing, I told her I'd call her back. That was 3 days ago. I haven't heard anything from her either. Honestly, I'm not sure I feel safe contacting her right now. When she is healthy, we have great communication, but I just don't know what to expect on her end right now. Should I reach out and tell her I need time? Is it ok to just take time without saying I am? She hasn't communicated with me either which says volumes because that is very out of character. Is it OK to just stop communication and maybe revisit in a few months as friends? I don't want to ghost and be hurtful and I also don't want to put myself in that vulnerable position. What should I do?
  5. Thank you, I appreciate that. I wish you the best too in your search :)
  6. My therapist encourages me to accept the reality of my experiences and make the best decision for myself which would probably be to cut ties and move on. We haven't talked in 3 days. We were supposed to "get away" on Thursday but drove back because she wasn't feeling well physically but also I could tell she was off and not herself as she started making false accusations that she normally wouldn't make which is what she did in the past as a precursor to her cycling. I'm tempted to just let it be and not contact her. It's very unusual for her to not contact me, which is even more of an indicator that she is not well.
  7. Posted Sunday at 09:10 AM Back in June, I broke up with my ex after 3.5 years. This was our 2nd break-up. Even though our relationship wasn't able to gain momentum as far as us living together and developing a life together, we are compatible in many ways (good communication, laugh/have fun, get each other share, vulnerable with each other...etc), have a very good friendship, and love each other very much. She is bipolar, on medication and doing ECT. Her dr says she is "stable" but it is yet to be seen how stable once she goes off the ECT maintenance and is able to get her life back on track (i.e. get a job, support herself, deal with stress etc...). For the last 1-2 years she has been recovering from a manic and very bad depressive episode this last year. Her brother also passed of an overdose 2 years ago and her mother is an alcoholic, in denial, and she sees her mother going down a similar path as her brother which is incredibly scary and re-traumatizing. She and her dad are trying to get her mother into rehab but have been unsuccessful so far. As a result, my ex's life has been consumed with dealing with family issues and not being able to focus on her own life, let alone our "relationship" or even dating for that matter. About 3 months ago, my ex reached out to me after our breakup (she's done this before) and we ended up "dating" again. There is a part of me that, even though I love her beyond belief and I know she loves me very much, I know we can't be in a relationship because we've already been down that path for 3 + years and it didn't work. Just this last week, I've noticed old patterns repeating and believe she may be cycling into another episode. She keeps claiming that I am "pressuring her" which I am not and noticing she has lost some insight and is starting to make false and irrational accusations. Her last ECT treatment was also very difficult and she is still trying to physically from that. I also noticed she has been wanting to see me less and not wanting to be physical. We were supposed to go on an overnight trip but ended up not going. We haven't talked in 2 days because it just seemed like were going in circles and not making any progress. Plus, I honestly don't feel like she is capable of understanding me right now. What should I do? Take some time? Tell her I need time or just let my silence speak for itself?
  8. I'm a 49 year old lesbian, feeling very frustrated on the verge of hopeless about the dating scene and finding quality people out there. I'm on multiple dating apps, go to Meet Ups and have had several relationships that have all lasted 1-3 years and ended. I'm trying to take some time to be by myself and "date me" so that I don't repeat the same cycle of settling for the wrong woman. I've date avoidant types, bi polar...etc... My friends tell me I am a great person with a lot to offer and I feel the same way, but just haven't been able to find the right match thus far. Does anyone have any advice or can share their stories with dating and turning things around and find healthier/more compatible matches?
  9. I'm a 49 year old lesbian, feeling very frustrated on the verge of hopeless about the dating scene and finding quality people out there. I'm on multiple dating apps, go to Meet Ups and have had several relationships that have all lasted 1-3 years and ended. I'm trying to take some time to be by myself and "date me" so that I don't repeat the same cycle of settling for the wrong woman. I've date avoidant types, bi polar...etc... My friends tell me I am a great person with a lot to offer and I feel the same way, but just haven't been able to find the right match thus far. Does anyone have any advice or can share their stories with dating and turning things around and find healthier/more compatible matches?
  10. You make a good point. That I would need to accept ALL of her, not just parts. I do see a therapist and make a point to stay active in the LGBTQ community. Fortunately, I live in SoCal so it's pretty diverse out here.
  11. You hit the nail on the head. I do feel like she is more like family. We understand and love each other in so many ways and we truly want each other in our lives. When she is healthy and not being sucked down into drama and family emeshment, we have the potential to be so good together. Unfortunatly, it just seems like we are in an endless cycle and she doesn't seem open to being just friends. I don't even know if that is possible at this point. We've broken up twice, both times I never expected to see or talk with her again. She is the one who continues to initiate reconnection. I almost wish there was some sort of rehab I could go to to detach from all of this. Allow myself the time and space to move one for good!
  12. Back in June, I broke up with my ex after 3.5 years. This was our 2nd break-up. Even though our relationship wasn't able to gain momentum as far as us living together and developing a life together, we are compatible in many ways (good communication, laugh/have fun, get each other share, vulnerable with each other...etc), have a very good friendship, and love each other very much. She is bipolar, on medication and doing ECT. Her dr says she is "stable" but it is yet to be seen how stable once she goes off the ECT maintenance and is able to get her life back on track (i.e. get a job, support herself, deal with stress etc...). For the last 1-2 years she has been recovering from a manic and very bad depressive episode this last year. Her brother also passed of an overdose 2 years ago and her mother is an alcoholic, in denial, and she sees her mother going down a similar path as her brother which is incredibly scary and re-traumatizing. She and her dad are trying to get her mother into rehab but have been unsuccessful so far. As a result, my ex's life has been consumed with dealing with family issues and not being able to focus on her own life, let alone our "relationship" or even dating for that matter. About 3 months ago, my ex reached out to me after our breakup (she's done this before) and we ended up "dating" again. There is a part of me that, even though I love her beyond belief and I know she loves me very much, I know we can't be in a relationship because we've already been down that path for 3 + years and it didn't work. I've tried to tell my ex that we can try to "be friends" but she continuously says she doesn't think she can because of the love and attraction we have. This breaks my heart, because I want to have her in my life and desperately trying to find a way to have it so we can be in each other's lives in a healthier way and not hold the other back from seeking out what is best for each one. That's why we are stuck in a dating situation but frankly, it's going nowhere and as a 49 year old woman, I'm at the place where my time is so precious and I need to focus on things that will help me get to where I want to be. But I also have tried to end it twice with her, cold turkey, no contact, and it hasn't worked. Lately, I have been feeling very alone, sad, frustrated with myself for repeating cycles. I also feel like at 49, it is difficult to find a partner, being gay makes it even harder. I feel like the single people in my dating pool are there for a reason, because they just aren't able to, for whatever reasons, be in a long term/healthy relationship, damaged goods. Maybe that's why I continue to spend time in this relationship. Because I feel like there are no other good options out there. I know this situation can't continue much longer and the thought of going through yet another heartbreak re triggers the trauma all over. Has anyone experienced anything similar and can offer some advice on what to do/how to move forward?
  13. My ex left a voicemail on my phone last night stating she was in a mental hospital (she’s bipolar) doing OK, but wants to talk to me as a friend. She said she wants to let me know what’s been “going on “ and she was going to be discharged from the hospital tomorrow. It was also the 1 year anniversary of her brother's death. My first reaction was, “ why are you calling me when we broke up 3 weeks ago”? Why do you need to “ tell me what’s been going on”? I got off that roller coaster ride. Doesn’t she realize or respect that I need time to heal and need to take care of myself and can’t just come to her rescue or beckon call. I know she was used to that when we were together but we’re not together anymore! And it’s too early to try and “ be friends “. I still love her and I also need to protect myself especially since she is probably still manic and I don’t know what will come out of her mouth that coukd be hurtful. I feel torn and confused. Part of me feels guilty if I don’t reach back out while the other half wants to honor by boundaries. She then called me again this morning, so I decided to give her a call back. We spoke for about 30 min, she updated me on the last month...pretty much nothing has changed. She is still pretty elevated. She said she misses me and is still in love with me. She also said that she doesn't want to bother me or make me feel uncomfortable. I told her I am taking of myself and it's good that she is continuing to take care of herself. For some reason, even after the conversation, I still feel like I love her, care about her, but I have no desire to see her or start up anything with her. The thing I did notice was I told her it was OK for her to let me know how she's doing (i.e. when she gets out of the hospital...etc) That felt odd. Like I wanted to default back to our old toxic pattern of the roller coaster ride and her calling me for the latest "thrill" update. I think what propelled me to talk to her was that a part of me felt guilty and also scared that if I didn't talk to her, something bad would happen. I know that's not true and she has even told me many times that she is capable of taking care of herself. I feel so sad. Like wasted love that has nowhere to go... I suppose the reason I am sharing this is to ask: Was what I did OK...reaching out to her briefly? Why do you think she reached out to me? Was it just because she was lonely or because she really wants to be with me?
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