elliesays99

Hi D, happy birthday baby boy, you would have been 20 today!! that's really exciting. I'm not going to lie I'm really scared for today, lately it feels like I'm back at square one with you. I thought I was making such good progress but I guess not. I don't expect it to stop hurting, I just thought it would stop hurting so often but it's everyday, all the time, every second.. like you're holding my head underwater to get back at me for what I did to you and every time I'm close to the surface you push me in deeper. I feel really bad for telling you that because a part of me thinks you've forgiven me but a part of me thinks you're still mad and will never forgive me. I don't think I'm meant for these things.. really, I see everyone else and I know they're struggling too but I don't know how to carry myself like them.. like J, she's amazing by the way, and I am genuinely so glad you had her there for you. Typical me, making it about me when it's really your day. I wonder what you would have done in the 5 months you've been gone.. knowing you, you would've cured cancer and got rid of poverty by now. Something amazing thought obviously. Anyways, even though it's your birthday and I should be asking for anything.. could you please be here with me today? for a little while, come say hi while I'm sleeping or send me a sign.. it's going to be really hard, it already is. It's so hard. I love you, happy birthday.

Dear D I miss you beyond words. I've gotten pretty good at hiding how I feel, but lately it hurts more than usual. I just wish I could speak to you one last time and tell you all the things I kept inside for "next time" or "a different day". I knew you were struggling and you were very sick I just never thought you'd actually be gone. I kept saying that my worst fear was that you'd die before I got to meet you, I don't know why I just never believed that would happen and I'm really sorry. I see you in everything I do. You don't know how much of an impact you made on me, in life and in death. I became a bone marrow donor a few months ago, because of you.. a lot of people have since you've been gone.. I hope you know that and you're smiling down on us. I know that you're proud of us, and proud that were keeping your legacy alive and doing what you always wanted to do.. help others. I don't know how to not be angry D, I'm so angry that it was you and that you had to go so young.. I'm angry that you weren't allowed a chance to change the world like I know you would've, I'm so incredibly mad at myself for all the things I didn't do when you were here and I don't know how to get over it. I've never had this happen to me, and I'm struggling. I can feel you around though, I see the signs, I know you were there when I finally came to visit you and I thank you so much for the one particular sign you sent me, that I told you about.. you don't know how that has helped and impacted me to this day. Anyways I just wanted to say hi, and I miss you so much. Talk to you soon D, love you.