P33

Thanks, I was very surprised and really quite hurt she didn’t respond and still hasn’t, whatever the response is. She knows the impact this would have similarly though I know her and the impact on her in reverse, plus she’s ill and her daughter, we know each other almost totally but you are exactly right, which is maybe she’ll get back to me tomorrow and at this point I’m very reluctant to contact her again but would never dream of it today. But at the age I’m at now it really is a mature discourse in whichever route and for me it’s been about clearly gently and simply putting this across finally

Thanks all of you. I was going to leave this a bit but later this morning I decided to speak to her. I text as she is working and I’m off until tomorrow. We sent a few messages she isn’t well and it’s her daughter’s birthday tomorrow. She couldn’t talk until Wednesday and I won’t see her until an unknown time which is normal. I said I’d rather have spoken to her in person with a few pleasant things in then decided to take the plunge. Due to a change in our business we may need to have leave in the next fortnight so I mentioned this and said I’d love to see her. I told her I love her and have feelings which we say regularly. Then I told her that there were times like this weekend that I feel like I’m falling in love with her (bearing in mind her text to me). I told her I want to have dinner with her (which I said to her and she brought up several times) holidays and time together. I’d told her when we were together I wanted to spend as much time as possible and she had agreed. I then asked what did she want from me. I said if she wanted to remain close friends that would be fine and I wouldn’t mention it again and that I hoped that we could speak candidly. At this point she didn’t respond, this was a few hours ago and she’s working for another 2 hours or so. So that’s what happened.

I think I’m going to leave it a few days, even now it hurts not initiating contact although I told her this morning I missed her and she loved that comment. More often than not it’s her that contacts me. It’s of course Valentines Wednesday so would assume I’ll speak then if not before and we’re both wanting to go to dinner and spend much more time together. It’s been approached before and we keep getting closer with every day so I’ll see how the conversation goes.

A female friend and I (both over 50) met in a group therapy setting around 10 years ago. We ended up together for around a year a while afterward, but spit as we were both in the wrong place. We’ve both changed drastically since then and had various relationships. My last exactly a year ago was extremely dysfunctional and disastrous for me emotionally. We’ve always been very very close and although never physically cross boundaries now we have a lot of affection which is probably much more than a typical friendship. Although I of course find some women attractive I’ve realised there’s just no way I can hold something down I just find it all far too anxiety inducing. Last summer we spent a week together which isn’t unusual. I admitted I’d been thinking of her and us and she said the same, after a few days (this was just a few months after my split) she said she felt I was on the rebound but wasn’t closed to us at some point in the future. So life moved forward. We admit to loving each other regularly. I went to see her this Friday and we spent a reasonable amount of quality time together as she was working at home. We also shared affection. A while later after I’d left she text, saying it was frustrating having to work when she was with me that I really know her and how much she values me and more. I told her the same which is all true. At times my feelings cross the boundaries and this was one of them. In all transparency she was talking to a guy in the course of her work and I could feel the jealousy. For me this is when I get into dangerous territory with my feelings as I struggle with them and the fear starts to build. Especially as she’s such a close friend. We just keep getting closer and closer but I never know if this is going to progress or if things are just a great extremely close friendship. So that’s really everything. Thoughts. Thanks.

After an intense disastrous short term relationship at the start of the year I’ve finally found my footing. It was my birthday over a week ago and a very close female friend whom I have history with was supposed to come out with me for a nice lunch, she couldn’t as she has a troubled sibling and adult daughter family life and couldn’t face it. So I went alone and had a fantastic time then went back to hers. She gave me my card which was unusually affectionately worded for her and a gift and we talked. The conversation turned to us and I’ve always found her attractive but not always thought of us romantically involved but this was some of the conversation but we talked about all manner of things as per usual. Recently I’ve noticed her being more vocal regarding how she feels which isn’t like her. On Friday night she text me and we had a normal chat and I told her I love her and she said the same but she said she loves me lots, we do love each other and we both know this. I could almost sense something was changing said I’d been thinking about her a lot and she said the same. Last weekend I couldn’t stop thinking about her and decided I’d have to confess this at the start of the week as we have a very honest relationship, so I told her I was feeling very conflicted us being friends as I’d realised I had some feelings and was considering her as a relationship partner, I was pretty surprised when she responded and said she’d been thinking the exact same. She has relationship anxiety which, being close friends I’m fully aware of. So we talked briefly but openly and honestly and we’re in the same place. I decided to back off a bit and when we spoke again she told me she’d been a bit overwhelmed by it all and needed to put things to one side as it was a lot to process, which it is for me too. She also said what if I’m her person and I’m feeling like I genuinely love this girl although like her it’s a very potent and unusual circumstance. So today I left it and haven’t spoken to her and am slightly uncertain in how to proceed and whether I should just wait for her to resume contact. thoughts, thanks

You’re extremely perceptive on all counts, I’ve had issues in the past and so yes I appreciate that I’ve been putting a time constraint on my feelings about this. I’ll I see how I feel and then think about counselling and take the no information route as maybe I just shouldn’t have had any interest in the first place. And no I didn’t have deal breakers and yes the flags were substantial and also yes you’re absolutely correct on the chances. Thanks

A few months ago I posted about an intense short term relationship that had led me to be prescribed Valium and anti depressants because of the feelings it triggered. As well as this I ended up ostracising a best friend because he just knew far too much of the intricacies private text content etc as his wife and her are friends. After a huge time I’ve been pretty much in a great place and although I’ve considered meeting someone I’m just in no way emotionally stable for it. Today my friend drove past me and picked me up, I’ve been keeping considerable distance from him for around 7 months. He then told me, as I had asked in the past, that she had met someone. Now our relationship was to be honest mostly physical which wasn’t something I was happy about also she would give mixed signals on intent. Unbelievably I went out afterwards (today) and bumped into her, which never happens. It’s upset me on every level and I’m not great with difficult feelings. I went out for a cycle had had my ‘moment’ then a female friend whom I’m very close with invited me round as I’d rung her since I needed to tell someone. It’s just, I don’t know I don’t of course like the thought of it and it hurts. And as a side note we’ll almost certainly both be at an intimate Christmas do in a few months which has already been mentioned. any thoughts would help thanks

Appreciated. No the other woman and I are close long term friends and there’s nothing romantic on either side.

In my previous post a few months ago I spoke of a situationship I was having which was complex. After being prescribed sertraline as well as Valium due to the intensity of the feelings around a 6 week relationship with someone with PTSD and a special needs child I, eventually got the most of it out of my system with thanks to a lot of counselling and focusing on myself and my joy, I ended up having to cut out my closest friend as she is his and his wife’s neighbour as well as the fact I realised we were just completely ethically different in the way we deal with physical relationships. It was too raw and it worked for me. Yesterday was his birthday so I agreed to meet him for drinks, I assumed his wife would be there. 10 minutes before I left both of them messaged me to tell me she was also there. In her last text she was pretty clear bizarrely she didn’t like me but we never spoke face to face after the ‘split’. I hadn’t spoken to her for a few weeks. When I got there everything was fine but I paid her little attention, his wife was half cut on the drink. They put us on the spot and we talked it out, there’s no animosity there. However emotionally afterwards I found this very difficult especially when he said that she’d said she had only wanted it to be purely physical. Now yes great sounds doable but in reality I find their joint attitude to be rather shocking and at the time she was suggesting this wasn’t the case. I’d pretty much dealt with all these feelings but it shot me back to near the beginning and suffered some not so small amount of angst which has been with me all day. What it’s made me realise is I really need to push all of them right out of my life again. In some ways I was pleased we had the chance to actually talk and she cuddled me unexpectedly before she left, and I’m tempted to go into that situation if that was even a thing, but the flip side is I have a very close female friend who makes it clear she loves me, I love her too (platonically) we’re spending our holidays together next month and next year and I get far more from her than I ever did with this person. I’m just not happy this has been stirred up. Input appreciated.

I messaged her for the final time last week as she had an operation Monday to say I hope it goes well and wasn’t anticipating updating this thread, she asked how I was and we had a brief but amusing chat. I asked, yes stupidly if she wanted to meet up again, to which I received no response, after which I deleted everything and have never spoken to her since and as far as I’m concerned won’t do. I thought good I can try to process these feelings. Sadly due to our joint friends things still get passed back and forth as they just have for the first time in a week, around peoples opinions and where as I’m struggling to deal with this my male friend is suggesting it was all just sex and I need to get my head round that, which grossly invalidates how I feel even if he’s right. Even my last text, above has just been fed back to me, did I even care or did I have another agenda she’s apparently been thinking (she was in a highly abusive and dangerous relationship). I just want it all to stop to the point I feel like switching my phone off to everyone. This is just going on and on. I’ve already decided to take 30 days to myself but now even if I mention my feelings which I’ve been desperately struggling with, only to my closest male friend it just goes backwards as he of course checks up on me. I’d like all your thoughts. Thanks

I started a previous thread about someone I met on Christmas Day that I had a relationship with who has PTSD and her son has ADHD. Just to make things even simpler I have anxiety. a few days ago things were fine, she was talking about what she was going to make for dinner the next day for us and that she was looking forward to seeing me early. I’m 50. That afternoon she told me her son had a meltdown (he’s 10) and that she couldn’t see me. I told her I was sorry but also I had been really looking forward to seeing her and was gutted. The next day we had a brief text conversation where she said she could probably only see me when he wasn’t around, which would be hardly ever I responded and she dropped me, after 7 weeks. We’ve since text where she was enthusiastic about us being friends but I misunderstood and wasn’t sure of the dynamics. Later she said she thought she’d made it clear to me. I’ve never contacted her since. This was 5 days ago but her sons currently on half term holidays. During the relationship I’d had considerable anxiety especially at one point as she went silent for 3 days due to her PTSD which I didn’t know or understand at the time. Regardless of the length of the relationship I’ve found this catastrophically difficult to deal with and have since had counselling and have been prescribed Valium, none of which she is aware of. I have no intention of contacting her as this has been so difficult to process. That being said I’d give anything, as you do, to spend time with her. There is the possibility that she will contact me as we had a loose arrangement even after the split for her to come round, and another possibility that this will become casual. Although I’m not sure in many ways I’ll ever hear from her again, we have joint friends who suspect she will text. I’m interested in your feedback into the entire scenario. thankyou

I’ve messaged about Friday, told her I do like her as she’s said this to me and asked if she can confirm or otherwise. There’s nothing else I can do.

Thanks I did ring but no answer and even popped round after joint advice but they mustn’t of heard as the dog goes nuts. We have joint friends who’ve suggested she must be having a bad day and she will probably get back to me.

She’s given me zero reasons to doubt her, absolutely none, except the non response issue. I’m tempted to call but don’t want to pressurise especially as she genuinely means something to me. Do I struggle with this absolutely but I do also sense something else happening and I don’t feel that ending it is something I want. I think I’m going to have to leave it until tomorrow then text and clarify Friday, although I may yet call but I honestly just don’t know in some ways the right way to handle for her and myself.

I recently posted about a fledgling relationship started a month ago I’m 50 and she’s 38. Initially she was texting a lot more, she has PTSD and has told me sometimes she just wants to be alone and I know for a fact she’s taking antidepressants. We’re now spending the entire weekends together in front of her 10 year old son. We sometimes make loose plans and she won’t necessarily stick to these. On Sunday I asked when she wanted to see me again and she said Wednesday (today), for the first time ever I never contacted her again and left it until this morning. I text and asked if she still wanted to see me, no response. In fact she still hasn’t responded 7 hours later, now on the one hand I have to consider her issues on the other I find this all baffling and quite honestly anxiety inducing and wonder if she’s playing games with me. Friends have suggested not contacting again and waiting, only issue is we have supposed plans for Friday when I have the day off and we’re going for lunch which will take the whole day. She’s made it clear before she really likes me and wants to keep seeing me and the same for me, but I just can’t help wondering what is going on and if she IS playing games. This has had me in real honest to God turmoil recently. Please advise. Thanks