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Timotheus

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About Timotheus

  • Birthday January 22

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  1. She and or I would reach out to each other (yes even while she is married) and talk per social media every once in a while and then things get said over feelings or what it used to be like. in the past her Parents objected because they wanted her to do whatever they wanted her to do because they didn't completely trust her and they wouldn't let her be herself. It was almost like she became a robot around them but around me she was free. In the beginning of our relationship, she was worried about her parents having a problem because I was black so we choose to hide that fact from them until I met them. When we told them the reason why they pretended like that wasn't ever a problem however later, it came out that they didn't want us together. We hid the fact of my skin color because her stepfather made racist comments about the black people living in the city that he and her mom wanted to move away from. Her parents were hardcore christian believers.
  2. Yes, I def paid attention to her emotional mental health the whole time and I also let her know that her mental health was super important to me. I was her rock for everything because she told me her ups, her downs and in-betweens. She told me dark things as well. I was not only engaged to her... I was her friend too. So confidently.... YES I REALLY DID LOVE her.
  3. I guess since everyone is done giving their thoughts (which I would of liked more people to have replied but I understand that since it was a very long post it wasn't going to happen)... I just want to say that I am a little disappointed but not to the point to where my day is completely out of wack. My response to her message was sent to her over a year ago. No matter if I agree with the opinions or not, I wanted to hear what others had to say. I will say that I find it strongly messed up that racism can mess with love between two people (no matter their age). Her and I were even engaged to be married. She kept coming in out of my life after she broke up with me due to her mom and stepfather wanted her to split from me even though there was no danger to her or I and no headaches. She clearly confirmed this in her letter to me. The other thing is this... I noticed I was pointed out of wrong doings but after reading what I said back to her... NO ONE said ANYTHING about what wrong doings SHE ALSO did which is crazy. At the end of the day thank you all for replying. I strongly hate Racism... and will for the rest of my life. It's sad.
  4. @Wiseman2 if people can still share their thoughts on what I posted respectfully then I have no problem with moving it if you can do that for me. Thanks.
  5. @NighttimeNightmare although you come across very dismissive and a little condescending thanks for sharing your thoughts.
  6. There isn't a question. I just wanted an open opinion on what has all happened to her and I. If you don't want to read it then the request isn't for you. Thank you.
  7. "Tim... just want you to know that I'm sorry for how things happened between us. You have no idea how much heartache and heartbreak, l also went through. It wasn't easy for me by any means. I Loved you so so much, with everything I had at that time. It disgusts me, hurts me, and angers me even more that my mother and stepdad manipulated the situation to go how they wanted so they stayed in control. That they were or seeing me so hurt and conficted, they were ok lying to me, just to keep us apart. It's sick and just confirms even more i've made the right decision in eliminating them from my life about 3 years ago. But again, I cannot express how sorry l am and how much I wish I could take your pain that you've felt over these years. If I could, I would do it in a heartbeat. No matter where life takes me or what happens you will always be a part of me, you were the first and only man I truly loved other than my husband. I think of you daily and I don't think that will ever go away, we were planning our life and that didn't fit into someone else's plan so was destroyed-that's not something one just forgets. I wish you well and hope more than anything you find complete undeniable happiness 10/28/2018: From Ashely" Happy Birthday Ashley… I am no longer in your life, as you made the choice to no longer have me. I am very saddened by this choice because I am also still very much in love with you. Yes, after so many years of us off and on talking I still feel that the time you and I had was worth much more than you can even imagine. The purpose of this letter is for me to move on and to also walk you through what my life was like on the journey. I will Admit this…. I am Angry, Sad, Happy, Have Strong Love for you, I will accept my reality of this whole situation but I AM ENDING THIS. Let me break this all down. I pray that you will please take this all in and understand where I am coming from before you let your emotions take a hold of you. Either way… I’m still going to say what I need to. Anger: I am angry. I am because I know deep down in my heart, I feel as if your parents (your mother and your stepfather) stopped our growing path. I feel like WE were held back because they did not want to lose their daughter to me (or really anyone…) when there was zero chance of me wanting that to happen or putting that into action. They raised you (no matter how tough it was growing up under their roof) and I was fully aware that you view them as important with your mother at that time being your emotional rock. They are or were so important that you had a very hard time saying NO to them. This was very controlling of them to me, and they had no trust in you to allow you to be yourself. Plus, to allow you to have a mind of your own for anything in life. They followed you all the way from Union, Missouri… JUST to see if you were doing what you were supposed to be doing. Please note that I do not care what happened in your past before me that caused them to do this. To me this was completely wrong. However, I wanted to stay by your side regardless. I showed you through my actions by staying there and even stood up for you when it came to this. No matter if you believe this or not… and this might be hard to accept but some members in your family including your mother and stepfather are either racist and/or prejudice against black people. You made it clear to me that your stepfather wanted to move out of Florissant, Missouri just because there were too many blacks in the town. This type of attitude played a huge part in fueling the separation between you and I that your parents wanted to happen in my opinion. With you not able to standup for what you want in your love life or life in general at that time, this created the very wedge that your Grandmother WARNED us about and didn’t want to happen to you (US). Your Grandmother told you in front of me to NOT allow this to happen because she knew that you loved me very much and when things got rough… you ran. How I know that you feel strong love for me is because after the major breakup of number 1 out of 5, you keep returning to me to restart our relationship without your parents knowing for at least 4 more times after. So, I know the love is there, but it deeply upsets me that you couldn’t let our love live and allow us to grow together. It hurts me that you couldn’t trust me to lead us enough and to also work as a team to overcome these problems and PLUS keep your family in your life after the fact. Again, I never had any intention of disowning anyone that was important to you. You however… knowing that you are still very much in love with me… LEFT ME ALONE even when I hit rock bottom. You are now married with someone who you enjoy. It just happens though that the guy is white. BUT I guess he’s giving you all that you need since you are still with him for so many years and going strong. I just wish that this was US instead. SAD: I am sad because even though we were two teenagers and didn’t know the upcoming challenges we would both face, one thing we both knew was that we wanted to grow together in life and raise a family of our own with or without children created. I remember when you took me to the store aisle of the toys section just to show me toys that you wanted our kids to play with. I learned after the fact that you did that because were trying to say that you wanted to have children with me. What you may not have also realized what you were telling me at the time, or maybe you did, that were telling me that you wanted to insure a future with me. No one else… BUT ME. You were telling me that you were or ARE my soulmate. This was NOT puppy summer love to me… this was REAL love. This was no joke since nothing was funny. I have always felt strong feelings for you even BEFORE you showed me or told me any of this. From the first time I met you inside the Denny’s Restaurant…. I KNEW before YOU KNEW. And even if I couldn’t tell you… I had to rely heavily on GOD to bring us together through his GRACE. Since then, your name kept flooding my thoughts repeatedly. Till this day, there is not a moment in time where your name never comes up in my head. Yes, even after 10 plus years of all of this, this is STLL happening to me. What does that tell you? That means…every time I made you laugh, sadly made you cry, made you happy, made you have butterflies… It all meant something strongly to me. My Love for you is so strong that even when I kissed you and we made love every single time we could… it wasn’t JUST SEX to me. It was our intimacy that overgrown to the point that we were in sync and no matter now these days that you may feel that you are against what happen physically…. We were truly as one. Our physical sex life was not a mistake Ashley. It happened because of LOVE. I truly do not care what anyone says about how wrong sex is before marriage. You loved me and I loved you and when we naturally take the path of love and wanting to create a great life together, that is human nature. GOD created human nature. GOD also knows that we wanted to honor him and show everyone else that LOVE COULD NEVER DO WITHOUT BOTH OF US. If you still look at our love life and the sex part being a mistake… I do not give any apology to this. Again, it was NOT a wrong activity to me. Because every time we did towards the end of each session… I told you in your ear… for a reason… that I LOVE YOU. I did this no matter if you wanted to say it back or not. BUT YOU DID for that very same reason. Anger Part 2: You told me that you wanted to have my children. That was a strong statement which again aligned with what I wanted. We had sex more times than I can count. But I want to say this… till this day, I believe you got pregnant from me, and you aborted it somehow. I do not have any proof of this, so I could be wrong. However, I have a gut feeling for some reason that this did happen. Either way when you found out that you might be, you had once again turned on your anger towards me. I was once again the “lighting rod enemy” to you because of us having sex. So now I was dealing with someone who had said before that they loved me whole hearty but now hates my whole identity on earth. It did not feel good to know that the woman I truly loved and stated that they wanted a family with me did not actually want any of it once reality hit. This took place during one of the 5 times you broke up with me. Each time you broke up with me it HURT. My own aunt-in-law (who I will refer to as my aunt) and you have had two conversations over this. One over the phone and one meeting up in a local park to talk about it. It was explained to you how much standing up for your own relationship with the person you love would bring you true happiness because that’s what you should want is your own happiness. It shouldn’t matter what color the person is who’ve you loved. Once again, the blockage was about my color of skin vs your wants and needs with your family. Through your actions of breaking up with me so much, you proved that you could not handle it. You were so afraid of your mom finding out that we were back together that you ended us again while you were going to college in St. Charles in living in apartment with your roommate. The truth is… since you couldn’t stand up for our relationship, the ONLY reason why you came back to me, is to keep using me for sex. You wanted me to believe that we would work out again because you knew what my goals were and how I feel about you, but you didn’t want much more than to lay back down with me. Then you tried to twist it all around to make me seem like the sex hungry person because we made out one time when I had a head cold and we still turning each other on. How can a person say that they care about someone and love them so deeply when they will not stick around the moment things go bad or uncomfortable? Having Strong Love for You: I don’t know if that day would ever come for you and I to become US again. But before I get into more of that part… I told you; your name comes up all the time in my head. I have tried my very hardest to get over you. I don’t know HOW to anymore. I have had pictures, letters, emails, and our conversations thrown in the trash and/or deleted. I wanted to pay you back for all those damn CD’s, which I tried twice to return to you, by wanting to give you a check of at least 200 dollars. (You turned against me again because when tried to give them to your friend at Denny’s and you didn’t me to speak to them anymore.).I ended up not doing it Having Strong Love for You: I don’t know if that day would ever come for you and I to become US again. But before I get into more of that part… I told you; your name comes up all the time in my head. I have tried my very hardest to get over you. I don’t know HOW to anymore. I have had pictures, letters, emails, and our conversations thrown in the trash and/or deleted. I wanted to pay you back for all those damn CD’s, which I tried twice to return to you, by wanting to give you a check of at least 200 dollars. I didn’t because I had figured out that this move was not going to save anything. Plus, it wouldn’t be for the right reasons because it was based on winning you back which I couldn’t. Plus, you were still going to pretend to be SUPER ANGRY with me due to whatever lies your family wanted to paint me out as. I am not a perfect man, and I wasn’t when you first met me. This is not an excuse; this is just a fact. I am truly sorry for any reasons letting you feel questionable. I am truly sorry for any feelings of disrespect that you may have felt back then and even right now as you read this. I am truly sorry if I made you feel like I lead you in the wrong direction or made you feel used in any subject which includes sex. In my heart and mind, that was truly never my intent. It has been so many years by now and you have even once told me that the ship has sailed a long time ago when you were angry with me. I have been trying my hardest these last few years not to bring up your name to friends and family. I have tried hard not to even think about you but internally, all that does is intensify the problem. To me, this means something, and I know it. The question of “what If” always come back to me and starts something within me. I can’t even listen to certain songs because it will trigger my feelings over you or remind me of what you and I were about. That song from Mariah Carey “Always Be My Baby” if you listen to the words of that song…. You will see what I am talking about. You put that same song on a MIXED CD for me to listen to. Happy: I am happy because I got the chance to finally meet someone who loved me for me and not what I could bring to any table. I had someone who was willing to spend time with me just because they loved being around me. There was no other reason besides that. I could truly see the JOY come across your face when got to be in front of me. I got to meet and know your family who are important to you as you did mine. I felt like you understood my full story and accepted it. Even when I hit the low of the low… You kept coming around even though at some point of time, after your parents had a “talking” with you this became limited. You told me once that you didn’t like the way my family treated me, and you told me that you weren’t sure why I cared about you so much… Well, the answer to that is because you saw in me what I have always wanted any woman to see in me and to not let go of that. The experiences that you and I have, I will hold on to them until I am no longer physically able to do so. You were truly a woman that made people say… “She really is HIS one”. That’s the answer. It doesn’t matter who was before you or after you… (because you left) it’s about YOU. You and I. Singing in the car, to getting errands, to watching a tv show, to talking across the internet, to talking about GOD, and finally about our future which included marriage. You were not just my girlfriend. You were my fiancée. We were engaged to get married. You said it yourself… “due to someone else’s hated this allowed our dream to be destroyed.” I am blessed to had have you in my life at that time that I did even if I don’t agree that the time was short lived. I cannot thank you enough for all of this. I truly am happy about you and I do wish you well no matter if we got back together or more likely not. I will accept my reality: As I said before, I do not know if you and I would ever become US again. Chances are high right at this moment that since you and I aren’t even speaking to each other anymore…. The best answer is HARD NO. This makes me sad too but I’m okay. Either way… I know that you are happy with your person. I also know you told me that “I am the only other man that you truly loved other than my husband”. But the truth is… you are spending your lifetime with him and not me. You are sleeping in his bed; you are choosing him to be your rock and no longer am I that to you. No matter how many times we talked in the past or I have tried to get you to see my point of view to “come back so we can make a home”. You do the “What If…” thing and return to him and/or your family. You kept leaving me even though you loved me, and you kept allowing your parents to control your love life. GOD gave you a love life and a mind for a reason just like I have one. I also had to send something to your mother to let her know where I was also coming from. You might have heard by now. Honestly, I don’t believe in soulmates anymore because people in a relationship must learn to KEEP choosing each other no matter how each person feels that day and/or at certain moment of time. Soulmates are people who continue to choose each other no matter the problems that are surrounding them. Plus, I am completely wrong because you are married, and I have no business at all sending you any of this. I did all that I could and that includes seeing a friend/counselor for years. This person has helped me SO MUCH to help me view myself and life in better viewpoints and by the Grace of GOD it has been working and still going strong. So, I guess since you already have me blocked simply because I blocked you as my 30th attempt to try to get over you. I must accept that you will just live only in my memory and stay there. I accept that we will no longer ever in a romantic relationship and will never make it to marriage to myself and to GOD. I MUST let you go and let the WHOLE situation go. While working on healing from this situation, I have recognized that you are not an honest person. You are someone who strongly manipulates and gaslights me. You only seem to care about what your needs and wants are. You can be VERY sneaky, and I can see someone trusting you less due to your combination of actions and words. For example, you told me back then that if I wanted to fix our relationship that I must go to counselling. Yet you didn’t do a single thing on your end to also help with the situation. I have been seeing the same counselor since you broke up with me and the subject of you has come up many times. There are two people in a relationship not one. I need a woman who is willing to be with me through all good and bad times by proving to me with your actions! WHO ELSE are you doing this too? I don’t believe I’m the only one you emotionally toyed with. I am completely done trying to “Win” you over. I am completely done trying to get validation from you. I am also done being afraid of you rejecting and being angry with me. You are not the angel I used to sing and write poems about. You are instead an imperfect human. I am too an imperfect human but what I need is a woman to see this and stick around. You will no longer have power over me. My love that I gave to you, you abused it. You told me things you didn’t mean. Your actions have proven this. We are not compatible as the blinders over the years are finally off. You used me too much just to get a boost of yourself confidence and to feel wanted. Every time we talked, you only dangled the ideal of getting back together with me just to pull heartstrings and toy with my feelings again. Once you do this, then you would return to what you feel as comfortable and that’s usually where your family is as a safety net. I allowed this to happen for years because I was blinded by the ideal that you would finally wake up from this “brainwashing spell” always looking for validation and approval from your family members (This includes your real dad’s side). Ashley if it turns out that you never loved me in the way that I am stating from my viewpoint, then you used me to truly rebel against your mother because you couldn’t stand up for yourself and for your feelings for me… I was the only one who truly felt it because I had no problem fighting for it. You now have an ideal of how much heartache and pain I went through. I must end this now. I am a better person because of learning the hard way due to this experience. “Whatever doesn’t kill me… can only make me stronger.” That statement is correct. I will keep pushing myself to be the best person I can be and most of all BE HAPPY!!! Anyways, if you had any feelings for me, then you will understand where I am coming from if not, then you will just be angry. You are no longer the woman who got away from me. Enjoy your life as I will start to enjoy mine without this situation holding me back. Happy Birthday Ashley. Timothy (Happily Your EX)
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