gypsybird87

Hang in there, Wolf. Your comment above, which I've marked with**, reminded me of something a male friend said to me while also struggling with NC: "I have to be stronger than her ignorance." I thought that was a good way to put it. In any case, it sounds like the effects this round have been much less for you, so that is great news. I'm still doing well. My ex and I have continued to have sporadic, friendly texting, some initiated by me, and some by him. I still feel really good about it. If there's something I feel like saying to him, I just say it. No more of that internal battle and forcing myself to just bear it and keep to the NC. I don't miss him anymore, and he's in my thoughts far less now than he was before. That allure of the *forbidden* is gone, and that's helping a bunch. I still like him as a person, but I can honestly say that my feelings distill more into friendship ONLY with every day that goes by. The butterflies have all flown the coop.

It's been nice chatting with you off and on over the last few weeks. It's such a relief to not miss you anymore. You still bug me with your sporadic texting style, just like you did when we were dating. But I hadn't expected any different, so no surprise there. The only change is that I'm far less impacted by it, because you matter less. I'm glad you are once again a part of my life, but you're not the center of my world anymore. When you text me, I reply. When I think of something I want to tell you, I text. But honestly I think of you less and less as the days go by. You're a good guy. I like you. But I don't love you anymore.

Hi reinvent... I'm enjoying reading your journal and considering starting one myself. Have you found it helpful/cathartic? Dating is so tricky but you seem to be navigating quite well. Keep living in the moment. I'm trying to do that as well.

Just sending you a hug, loveart. It was a sad, strange summer, wasn't it? Hang in there.

I just realized this morning that my pantry is a disorganized mess. So is the fridge. You with your OCD tendencies.... how many times did you take everything out of my pantry and/or fridge and reorganize it?! So many times. I couldn't care less if the "snacks" are all together, and "breakfast items" are all together, the salad dressings all in row etc etc. But it pleased you to do it, so I said nothing. Now, in sort of Sleeping With the Enemy fashion, I am enjoying the clutter. The disorganization feels more comfortable than the strict tidiness ever did. The pantry is mine. The fridge is mine. My life is mine.

Jonesey, thank you so much for your kind words and for your concern. I have no idea how this is going to turn out. He's already texted me today, so there's no 'what if he never...' but I understand what you're saying: the contact could dry up at any time, and I have to be prepared for that. I'm actually really surprised to hear from him today. I thought it would be several days if not longer before we spoke again. Part of this comes down to trust, I suppose. Staying friends was what he wanted; he was very upset when I kicked him out of my life via NC. Twice. Now he's back in the door, so we'll see what he does with that opportunity. If he was sincere about wanting to stay friends, then he'll put effort into making that happen. If that was a lie or whatever, then this whole thing will fizzle and that will be that. If that happens it would sting for sure. But it would also kill Item #3 from the list of relationship essentials that I wrote on your post, remember?: trust and respect. And if that happens, it will be easy for me to walk away. Well, not *easy*, but you know what I mean. I have zero interest in investing in someone I cannot trust or respect, past history or not. I'm just going to take this one day at a time. Whatever happens, happens. Our old relationship is dead, and this has to be something completely new and able to stand on it's own merit. If it can, it will. And if not, then at least I won't have to wonder "what if."

I'm glad to hear that. And well... answering as objectively as I can (which I'm sure many here would say is impossible), yes, I do. Otherwise I wouldn't be attempting it. He and I shared a lot, and supported each other through a lot. There are things we've told each other that we haven't told anyone else. Our relationship always had a solid foundation of friendship. If that can be salvaged, why throw it away? I don't have so many friends I can afford to lose a good one, and neither does he. It's the "with no romantic feelings" bit that's the tricky part, and remains to be seen. That's the part I have to take one step at a time, and keep checking in with myself and how I feel. If it gets sticky, then I'll have let the friendship go.

Thanks. Having never gone through this before, I have no idea how it will progress. I completely understand the logic in what you're describing. I hope that won't happen to me too, but who knows. My approach to this is sort of like walking through a marsh, one small step at a time, and only as long as the ground feels solid under me. If it gets questionable or uncomfortable, then I will need to change course or stop altogether. Thanks for always being so supportive of me. And I hope you are having a good day too.

I stepped off the NC train yesterday. I was feeling calm and relaxed, and the timing felt right. I sent him a simple text saying hello and asking how his summer has been. He replied, very excited, "Wow! Hi!!" and a longgg text about how he's doing, and asking how I've been. There followed an exchange of long text messages that lasted over two hours, until I had to go to my class at the gym. Zero relationship talk. It was all friendship talk: work, hobbies, travel, catching up. I feel like a thousand pound weight has been lifted off me. I feel SO much better, I can't even describe it. That feeling of forcing myself to maintain NC was getting unbearable. I feel much better now. I have no idea when we will communicate again, but I'm not worried about it. It's up to him to initiate the next conversation, and if that takes days or weeks then so be it. We are forming a new relationship, as friends, and time will tell if he's a friend I'll talk to daily, weekly, or monthly. I have friends who fall into all of those categories, and he'll land wherever he's meant to. Will we just text chat, or will we ever talk on the phone or see each other again face to face? I have no clue and it doesn't matter. One step at a time, and this first step felt good and right, and that's all that matters right now. Will we reconcile? Doubtful. Is he dating? Probably. Can we be friends? True, real friends? I think so.

I love ENA. I read something on another persons thread that has given me something to think about, and changed my perspective in a really positive way. The thread was about losing a faithful vs unfaithful partner. But the same logic can be applied to you and me: You lost a partner who loved you and was fully committed to being with you. A partner who accepted you completely, including all your faults. I lost a partner who is emotionally unavailable, and unable to commit. A partner who is still so stuck in his past that he can't recognize something unique and amazing, even when it was right in front of his face. So who lost more? I realize now, it wasn't me. I hate when people say "it's your loss." But in this case, yeah... It really was. It's your loss.

Could you please stop being everywhere?! I've expressed this before... but come on. I am so tired of it. Today I just found a root beer flavored hard candy in my desk drawer. It's a specific kind and it came from a restaurant I've only been to with you. I haven't been there since, and have no desire to go there, ever again. I can't decide if I want to eat it, or throw it away. Sigh. I'm so f*cking tired of this.

DAY # Ihavenofricken idea. Last contact was June 2nd... so, I dunno. Awhile. Literally all I can think of is breaking NC and texting him. I am sick of missing him. SICK. OF. IT. And here is the thing: four months + since breakup, and 2 months + of NC, and my missing him has not diminished at all. Not even a little. My pain, yes. I feel pretty happy and good most of the time, especially when I'm busy doing fun things with fun friends. But even my alone time is peaceful. I've filled in all the holes that his departure punched into my schedule. I'm either busy and social, or relaxed on my own. Either way feels fine. I don't feel loneliness, despair, rejection, hopelessness, none of that icky stuff I was mired in at first. I'm just living my life, and it feels almost exactly like it did when I was single before I met him. But in spite of all that progress, I miss him just as much as I did on day one. Time is the great healer, and I feel reasonably healed, though nowhere near completely healed. But the passage of time isn't doing sh*t when it comes to how much I miss him. I want to talk to him. Every day things come up that I want to share with him. And so I wonder, every day, about contacting him as friends. Friends is what he wants. It's not what I want, but it might be possible. I'm really curious whether it would make my missing of him more.... or less. I just don't know. But I am sick of feeling this way. It feels so completely stupid and pointless, that I am depriving myself of seeing/talking to someone who very much wants to see and talk to me. Will we get back together? I don't believe in miracles so I'm going to say no, that's highly unlikely. But why are we both sitting here missing each other? What is the point of staying apart? It has helped me heal to this point, I get that. But that seems to have hit a wall where it isn't going any further. The passage of time apart now seems irrelevant. It definitely helped/is still helping my pain. But it isn't helping the missing AT ALL. And I'm getting tired of fighting it.

Remember how we used to spend Sunday mornings? We'd make love, then get up and shower together. You'd bake blueberry muffins, usually in the nude, which I always found sexy and amusing. You'd brew coffee for me, even though you don't drink it yourself. We'd sit outside on the covered patio and quietly eat and talk. If it was stormy we'd snuggle under blankets and watch the rain come down. Sometimes, we'd go back to bed, and make love again. This morning I slept in. I snuggled my dog. I baked blueberry muffins (though not while naked), and I'm enjoying a lovely breakfast outside, watching the squirrels and listening to the birds. I may or may not go back to bed. Where are you?

Right there with you, loveart. I'm not nervous about my date tonight, but I'm worried that all I will do is compare, compare, compare.... Sigh.