Asphyxia

i wish i loved myself more. i just feel that im a really boring person and i just dont know how to have conversations like most people i know. if im not thinking about the countless times ive butchered my chances of getting this girl to like me back, i find myself disgusted at my overall communication skills. meh. i have alot of anxiety. its bad, i wish i was better at living properly. ughh ](*,)

hi..Rhonda. basically, i've had a crush on a girl for 3 years sort of on and off (getting over it and then having it come back at me). I dont know what it is about her i cant just leave it alone. I've always had "bad timing" with this girl as shes either had a boyfriend or didnt seem into dating.. or whatever, its probably just me, im an idiot and i dont take advantage of opportunities. Anyways. i just want to skip all the {mod edit} and get straight to the situation at hand.. This girl i see alot more now. She used to work and had co-op last sem. so it was hard to talk to her at all. Shes single, shes basically wide open right now, i think.. and i always see her around, but im afraid. i dont know. Ill tell you why.. Shes a year older (doesnt matter really) and she has all these random friends outside of regular friends i know and i dont know if she has feelings for someone or she plans on dating someone or simply isnt looking for someone like me. I know im being unnecessarily negative but thats how i feel. I dont know why i still love her like this. Even after former friends of hers told me about how hypocritical she was and a bunch of other things that turned me off for a bit. Then i forgot about all that and realized i didnt give a {mod edit}.. Another thing is, i've tried to sort of flirt with her and whatnot but i just dont feel that she expects me to come on to her since we've been friends for so long.. so it seems like its always just stupid friend crap we do.. like we both say "i love you" when we leave each other.. only mine is real. But then i get to keep that voice and that line in my head all day!.. Anyways, i just want to know if it would be a good idea to just tell her how i feel, without causing tension in our friendship at least. It would be the most amazing thing to ever happen in my life if we finally got together on Valentines day ha! i should stop being so idealistic, its painful. I just want some advice as to what i should do? to think? etc. because theirs always something i dont think about or whatever. help?

I dont know what to do anymore. My mother is trying to make me go to University to be something i dont want to be. For the past year or so i've made it a clear choice and direction to get into the field of Graphic Design and i've had the best marks in Art related courses throughout high school. Ultimately its something i enjoy more than anything else. However, to my mom, everything and i mean everything seems to be about the MONEY and not what you truly enjoy. After telling her i want to persue Graphic Design, she basically snapped at me saying ill never find a real job and its a dead end street and that making $100,000 a year and more is completely NECESSARY in order to GET BY. I just cant believe the things she says, and i certainly do not believe that. Besides, Graphic design is something you grow in, it may take a few years to start making real money, but who cares, im not poor i can take my time, besides its something i enjoy!. I dont know, shes making me have second thoughts at the same time. Not because of the money really, but i've always had a vision of doing something that would make a legacy of me after im gone. I dont know what this would be; a big band, writing a famous book, becoming a leader in some post apocolyptic society! lol ok, thats a little random and unlikely, nevermind. haha. thing is, the other things im even only mildy interested in are philosophy, political philosophy and psychology. I cant imagine these fields giving me a better future. I would think id end up resorting to teaching, i dont know . I have to convince my mom to at least not be mad about my career choice I havent been able to find the answers i really need. I want to know if you can apply for one thing in your first year and then switch what your majoring in later.. i need some advice anyway, because im not too sure, im hoping someone whose gone to University here can help ?

Now, i know i've written about this issue in the past. Its about a girl i've had feelings for since the beginning of high school. Its been on and off with me, the trouble always being bad timing and stuff. i got over her completely recently when i went out with another girl and started to like her. It didnt last long and i was a little screwed up after. But it was then that i realized i still had a thing for this other girl. And that even though ive liked others down the road its always remained the same. Everything else was basically a distraction from the real truth (reminds me of an idea Socrates had! ok random, carrying on..) its so hard to talk to her now considering shes been kicked out of school and she works alot. I know im gonna see her soon though, becuse she plans on visiting the school. She also told me to come over any time to visit, since we live close by. I will see her more eventually. But i just dont know what to do. tthing is, i found out through her best friend that she had a crush on me at some point. Now, we've become close friends in the past year. But i dont know if its a good idea to tell her that i've always had feelings for her ? or maybe i should try to ask her out first? i dont like things built up inside of me and i wont feel comfortable doing that unless she knows how i feel. finally. ughh.

I realize that it wouldnt work out between us. I see the way she is with her boyfriend right now, they arent around each other often and shes like all over the place. I just dont get her. i wanted to be friends but shes being such a... * * * * *. i dont know why. She slaps me in the face randomly and she sometimes ignores me and gives me an attitude for no reason. It pisses me off because she wasnt doing this before. I mean come on, we were never even together what the * * * * is wrong with this person??

Look, i understand what your saying. Im blaming myself not her. I know i could have done more. I could have tried more. Just to clear it up, we had this conversation on msn. She asked me on msn if i liked her, and i said yes. And then it took off from that. and the next day she was acting weird, like she kept avoiding me everytime i wanted to talk to her. I know shes not the kind of girl that would like it if i just kissed her out of nowhere. Trust me. The reason why i didnt make it clear how much i wanted her was because she told me to give her time because she was seeing someone else and she wasnt sure if it was working out with them. Then after she said she didnt want to date for a while. i feel like im over her, but i still like her you know. Im not that shy when im alone with a girl. i dont feel it would have worked out between us, were pretty different when i think about it. ill be fine that is all.

Being shy. Its so difficult to not be shy, especially around someone i really really like. Apparently its my one flaw. There is this girl i like, and i told herabout how i felt finally, and she says she admits she always had a thing for me. Well Im not always shy around her, its just usually when im around her and a bigger group i guess. I just dont like large groups to begin with but i find myself in them all the time. So we were talking about things. and she tells me. "well i dunno i dunno, would it work?" "your really SHY and im loud". is what she says. I find it good enoug that someone as beautiful and as great as her has an interest in me but i was really hurt when she was saying this. basically im just not good enough, and the main reason is im shy. meh it doesnt bother me that much anymore. But i still think about her and im still crushed. I just dont really have a mild interest in anyone else and i admit that i dont think it would have worked out between us either. Still i really need to learn how to be less shy. Im just a little anxious sometimes, and paranoid of saying stupid things.

Sometimes when i think of it my life is just so stupid. And i feel so angry about so many things these days. I dont want to go into too personal details but ill just say that i make it go to the point where i go downstairs in the basement, whenever nobody is around and ive had a bad day i just start yelling and screaming, until my voice goes out. Sometimes i can barely talk after these "episodes". I was just wondering if thats not as crazy as i think it is. I really feel like i need to talk to someone that i can trust. Things that go rushing through my head in these moments cause such rage that i never thought i could have.. people at school that sometimes make me feel like a goof and unwanted, love that i wish i had because im such a shy person and terrible around girls especially if i like them. I have such anxiety sometimes, but i guess thats normal as a teenager. I think it sucks. Sometimes im ok around people though. Its confusing. My family has and still is all over the place. My father lived a life that got him alot of money, landed him in jail for short periods of time and all ill say is hes lucky not to have been in jail for life. Right now he lives 3 provinces away from me and i havent seen him in a year. However we do talk on the phone enough. My mother has a business where she is often travelling, and she simply doesnt understand me, ive tried. I dont have many friends. Not close ones. They are so boring really. Their is a girl ive liked for a long time she doesnt know, we were closer friends than we are now. I dont know how that happened. I feel sometimes that im not ready for a relationship i think because my life is pretty boring. I couldnt find a job lately. I dont have a car etc. I dont know if that necessarily matters but it makes you boring. We have things in common, the way we are and what we want in a relationship. hmm. And i keep having the odd dream, the kind that makes me upset about waking up because ill soon loose the feeling of what i've dreamt about. Like watching a movie. The ones id have ever so often was of this certain someone whom i am fond of. Very weird dreams, like any other it never made much sense. A couple days ago i had a dream where i was acctually the person. I could see what she saw. I heard she was at the beach, and i dreamt of seeing through her eyes, watching the water. And she was sad and someone asked why. i never dreamt that way before. It was odd that i dreamt of her being sad about not being with me. My problem is i have to many worries. Im confused about my future because im going to grade 12 and im not certain as to what i want to pursue. I have good marks but everything bores me, accept music and maybe graphic design but my mom wants me to be an architect or go into computer science. I could do it if i really tried. But id hate it. I would be unhappy, and i think the most important thing is to be happy in life. I think i should see a psychiatrist, i need to really access my life and just everything. anyways enough of this. thats all.

that was probably the craziest crowd i've ever heard or watched on T.V go Oilers!

I hate people who act so insecure. i * * * *ing hate it when someone doesnt answer my questions I hate overly judgemental people I hate my stupid town in which i live because their is nothing to do, and it is impossible to get to shows without problems occurring. I hate friends that are fake and dont act as true friends. i hate arrogance i hate people who play games ..

Well i think so, but i dont know what the hell is wrong with me in my head these days. Some may remember me making a similar rant. But whatever. So their is this girl i've had a pretty big crush on for about 2 years and she doesnt know, and whats worse is how i havent talked to her in about a year. We used to talk alot, even walking home, but i after i realised how much i liked her i became more afraid, because i didnt think i was ready to be normal and ask her out. I am so ashamed but whatever. Shes in grade 12, and im in grade 11 so its kinda hard, but its also that im a big coward. ANYways, the point is recently i've been talking to one of her friends who ive been close to for a long time and she mentioned the girl(the crush) and i mentioned that i know her and that we used to talk. She asked why we dont talk anymore.. and i said "i dont know". Then she said i need "pschotherapy desperately" but she was kinda kidding, yet i know its the truth. Im just a psycho, i dont know why or how i turned out like this. Its most likely my parents. But whatever, i've felt a real change in my state of mind since she said that to me. Mostly because im afraid of what it would mean. Im even more afriad to talk to this girl (that i have a crush on) now.I think she thinks im a psycho too. She probably thinks im weird or something. I now know for sure i have NO chance with her whatsoever. The thing is that ive never really been interested in anyone since ive met her so its pretty depressing now that shes gonna be gone forever after this school year. I've kinda gotten over her the past couple months, yet i cant be too comfortable because this happened before, and then i started thinking about her all over again. I wish i could run away sometimes, live under a bridge or something. ha maybe not. But i wish i could just go to another city somewhere nobody knows me and i want to start fresh, because i think i'll be ready. People at my school think im weird and they think im dumb and they never talk to me, because i used to be different a few years ago, but now i feel that ive changed yet its all still the same... the way people look at me, save a few. im pretty lonely, and im always thinking of how people think of me or of what i say. I like daydreaming of this girl because its so safe. Its a Beautiful safe threshold on me yet its so comforting because its love in a reality where their is no pollution. Im a person that is obviously frightened by rejection, y'know. I tend to take things too seriously and personal maybe. Sometimes i think i want to be someone else, sometimes i want to have different personality, i want to be normal. I dont think im being myself all the time though. Everytime i see someone that reminds me of myself it sickens me. Most of my deep thoughts have to do with love or someone that ive never met or the girl ive had a crush on. One half of my life is calmness, melancholic charm, artistic etc and the other side is anger, such fierce hatred and anger. I get pissed because of who i am, the things i do, the things people say to me, the way i turned out, the way i miight end up and i punch this punching-bag over and over and over forgetting completely that this activity is usually used for excercise! I really dont know how i can be so angry yet so peaceful but then again as i said i dont think i really know myself. Its almost like a study, the philosophy of me. i think i should stop rambling now.. i just had to get this off my chest, i hope you understand.

There is something i've wondered about on my personal terms. I used to really think about someone alot during the day, especially if i had free time to day dream but i think i dreamt of them only 1 or two times.. and i dont recall seeing her face completely. Strange i thought. I disagree with the thought that dreams telling the future from a self conscience perspective. However, come to think of it i kind of believe in the fact that a dream could tell the future.. this based on my own personal experience.

i have to mention these too Placebo - Sleeping With Ghosts Placebo - Without you im nothing Placebo - English summer rain Placebo - Special needs Placebo - The bitter end Placebo - Centerfolds Scarling - Broken Record Scarling - City Noise Scarling - Bummer Jack off Jill - Strawberry Gashes Deftones - Deathblow

heh this thread isnt about me though, i was mostly answering the question of the thread.

wait, shouldn't he be dead by now?