Labhrais85

And its so weird, but everything is reminding me of you. That movie Suicide Squad, I went to see that and went alone. It was a big deal going to see it because I remember over a year before it came out you were so excited for it, so excited seeing Jared Leto in it, the new iteration of the Joker. You were really mad about it and said no matter what happened we were going to see the first screening of it in Dublin Watching that was hard. Now Im thinking of Halloween, youll be dressed up in something cool and original as always, then November when I last left your home after that damn breakup and Christmas without and knowing that there wont be anything. That is already worrying me and Im not sure why exactly... Jesus I hate this so much. And I brought this all on myself.

I really miss you. Even in the good times, I miss you. I wish we could just talk, that's the worst part about this, that the lines of communication are closed. How did you forget me so easily, how did you move on so easily? People tell me "Theres no way she forgot you or got over you easily, she would still miss you" blah blah blah. Why couldn't you just meet me? Did you mean it when you said I was your future, you were in love with me more than anyone else before, you wanted to share your life with me? Or was I some long rebound? Was I so mean and hurt you so badly? Did you ever love 'me' or did you just love having a boyfriend to love? I keep wondering if you ever think of me. And I absolutely hate this, but every time I pick up my phone I think that maybe Ill have a text, email, whatever on my screen from you. I still think something will happen that will have us cross paths again. So much has happened and is happening in my life, and I hate that I cant talk about it with you. While I guess Im not in love with you anymore, I still love you and care about you, but for all I know you couldve emigrated to the other side of the world by now since we haven't spoke in months. Its 8 months (or 10 depending on what the 'official' date was) since we broke up, but I still miss you. And Ive never ever felt like this about a woman before, which scares me because I wonder if you were actually the one for me and I blew it. Sometimes I just want to pick up the phone and call you or text you or anything, but I promised I wouldn't... and I know you don't want me to, and that you wont reopen the lines of communication with me. I just have to suck it up. Anyway, Im sure I don't cross your mind these days, but I still hope that youre happy and well, and that I care about you, and your mother, your brothers, your cousins and your granddad, all of whom I miss. Laurence

You know what pisses me off is that you would never speak to me in person or even over the phone. You said you wished more than anything that we could be together, you were heartbroken that we were split up, but you wouldnt even talk to me. It was all texting. F**k sake. Its 9 months since we split and over 6 months since we saw each other face to face and I still tihnk of you. anytime I get close to another woman I have intense feelings of guilt and minor panic attacks, as if Im cheating on you. I just wish I could dump my feelings for you or erase you from my memory. I hate myself so much for this at times, I try to say its that you wouldnt speak and just end things face to face, instead it just sort of 'drifted', but I hate myself for still caring. I feel like my healing has plateaued now; Im not intensely sad or miserable all the time, altho it sitll happens, but now Im just drifting along and I havent had a day when I thought of you or wish youd email or text me... Dammit. How could you go from loving me and disucssing the future with me and saying I was what you wanted to just ' youre just a guy I dated that it didnt work out with'... Why am I like this and youre absolutely fine? I hate that I brought this on me/us. Dont know what else to say

Hi N, I hope youre well? Ill be brief. You've sprung back into my mind in a bad way over the past couple of weeks and I wont contact you, Ill post here... Something I have wondered and been on my mind so long, could you answer? -How did you get over things so fast? -Did you look back on things and realise you didn't actually love me? -Is or was there any part of you that regretted not meeting again or trying things again? -Did I hurt you that badly over Christmas? I do miss you, and regardless of the romantic side of things, I hate that we are nothing to each other now. Ive never had an ex just absolutely cut me out of their life. I feel happy and good and moving on and all of that, but some days, even now nearly a year later (jesus.... that long) it hits me out of nowhere Hope youre well as always

Hey, you've been in my head most of the past week, and I just cant get you out of my mind today. Im so down, its finally really hitting me that this is over, Im not going to look at my phone one day and see a watsapp message notification from you, not going to have you send me your silly Friday selfies anymore or make plans with me anymore. Your birthday is a couple of weeks away, and again, its hitting me that I shouldn't care about that date anymore. It wont involve me, and even if you do think of me on your birthday youll likely be thinking that you hope to god you don't hear from me. This is so sh*t. I guess I never thought this would be final, and now it feels like Im at square one again. This is just a really crappy time, itll pass and theres nothing I can do anyway that will make it better. I haven't cried in years, but feel the need to this past week, and the thoughts of you being with another guy is really hurting me now. Maybe I should've gone through this weeks ago and I was avoiding it, but its time to deal with it now.... I really hope youre well and happy tho.

Day 53! I think this does have cycles, around day ~25 I experienced what Im experiencing now; desperation, bouncing between self-loathing and self-pity, and having trouble being alone, constantly need to talk (but it is getting better). I have had a new lady in my life 3 weeks or so, but I need to end it. Its just complicating me too much. Dammit. Whats emphasised this was that I had a dream of my ex during the week, in it she was going out with a friend of mine, which was crazy, but she seemed cool with chatting with me. Its weird, it was only a dream, made zero sense and lasted a few seconds, but it hit me like a tonne of bricks, and Ive never been bothered at the thoughts of her dating other people (its inevitable), but now the idea of her with someone else hurts. Ive been losing my appetite and being unable to eat the last week for the first time in this whole thing too. Miss her loads and my mind is doing the old mental-gymnastics to make me want to contact her. I wont of course. This is a low point, but itll get better... /sigh

Hey N, I hope youre well. I know you have exams around now, so I want to wish you good luck. Youll do great! Sheesh, I still miss you, I still find it hard to accept and give up on. I really messed things up, and I can only look back and regret. Today's been a continuation of a few bad days. Someone suggested I send one last message, get my closure and then bow out and never talk to you again. No point tho, wont do any good, and the idea of 'one last thing' makes me feel sad. Then I think maybe I should for that reason, but thats just the desperation talking. I handled things so badly, acted so desperately, emotionally and so on, I wont do that again. My best to you and your family

Day 50, altho the breakup was November. I wonder if its some psychological milestone; day ~25 and the surrounding were just pure hell, and Im at another low point again today that has been building for days, and unfortunately (from experience) when this low point 'peaks' its going to be very very hard. I miss her so much these days. Regardless of what I say, I really miss her, and Id gladly get back in contact if it wasn't for the fact I know Ill get a bad reply. In our last exchange she exploded on me and then blocked me on watsapp before I could reply. Ive come to accept that, stupidly, I still envision my future with her. This person who was so nasty, rude and cold towards me, Id gladly accept her back right now. Ive been on a few dates with a new lady and we slept together last Saturday, and I think its causing me this head-fu*k. But I do like the new girl, and I believe Ill have to deal with these emotions eventually, so I want to continue with her Unfortuantely all that is going through my head here in work is to send her a message, I keep telling myself "just one last message, get everything off your chest and have your closure, it cant make things worse, so whats to lose etc etc etc.". I snooped on her Facebook page today too because I just couldn't resist. It didn't affect me one way or the other tho. What really bothers me is knowing someone I was so close to and planned a future with is now totally indifferent towards me and wants absolutely nothing to do with me.... Oh well, tomorrow will be day 51, things will get better!

Hey, I seem to be at the start of something new, but its causing me to think about you and how things ended way too much again. I keep thinking that the way it ended has left me with this need for closure. And I really really don't like this status quo. Whatever about relationship status, I hate that we have to be nothing to each other, that things ended so abruptly and so badly. It confuses me too. I guess, just for my part and what I played in getting things between you and me to 'this' point, I am sorry. You lied to me, you treated me with so little respect and you were so cold and selfish, which intensified at the end, but nonetheless I have to say Im sorry that I hurt you as I did in the closing stages of things. If only for my own benefit. And yea, Id be lying if I didn't say I do miss you at times still. I wish you and your family well

Hey, how are you, hope youve been well these past couple of months. Youve popped into my head. I was away with the guys for the weekend in another city, really medieval layout to it, reminded me of the last city we went to for a break away. I still regret how things ended and where we are with things, but not much more I can do about it. I really hope youre well and have been enjoying things. I cant believe that apart from that brief meetup in early February its been nearly 5 months. I cant decide if it feels like it was only yesterday or 100 years ago, I would love to know if you regret things and find things even slightly difficult or if Im just crazy or something! Ive had other breakups and healing/grieving/moving on, but just dont know how Ill get to that point with you, just cant see it right now. Anyway, take care, my best to you and your family as always.

Still in my head! It would be nice to hear from you, just to close things off and get things off my chest if nothing else. I cant be the one who reaches out tho from how things are, and theres no way you ever will, so that's that. I hate that you've made me feel like this and did what you did, but then I just get angry that I cant seem to not want to see you. Why were you so nasty? Were you trying to make me angry thinking it would end whatever I felt for you or did you feel you needed to get even and settle a score over something? I don't believe youre that cold, but I cant make sense of any of this. Oh well, todays just a bad day

Hey N. Just in work and again you've just popped into my head this morning!! Lucky me! I keep wondering how you've moved on so easily. Then is hits me; we just weren't a good match, but I hate that. I hate that we cant speak or have any role in one anothers lives, was I really that bad? I guess I mustve been to you. I don't think youre happy with that either or believed how what you said to be necessary. Frankly I think the way things went down and the stuff you said, you were being a scheming, petty and vindictive bit*h. Don't like to say that, but its all I can think. You dangled reconciliation and when I finally bit you up and disappeared and sent me a lovely text in your wake. You really wanted to hurt me and you succeeded. I know your last ex treated you like rubbish, but Im not that guy so I don't know why I was dealt with like him. You wouldn't even speak to me over the phone, you kept sending me barrages of texts making out I was responsible for everything. And thanks for blocking me before I could reply to your last one.. Anyway, I hope the grass turns out to be greener.

Day 26 now (first time Ive really worked that out and god I cant decide if that feels like a long time or like we only last spoke yesterday). Had been 30 days NC last time when I cracked at the end of March and reached out and exchanged a handful of texts. Was a big mistake. Was feeling very weak and getting increasingly intense waves of sadness up to a few days ago, with my 'routine' being that Id feel good when I woke up then after 15 mintues would be down all day. But feeling very strong now, things definitely taking a turn for the better the last few days, things do get better! Ill have more ups and downs Im sure, but much greater sense of optimism now

You've just popped into my head for some reason, just like last month Im approaching the 1 month mark of NC and its getting very hard at times. Ive been great all morning, but the past 15-20 minutes I cant stop thinking of our last exchange, thinking of what you said and what I said, wondering how things are as they are. How did you get to this place youre in so easily? Why have I regressed so much? At times like this all I can think of is if we just met face to face at any stage in all of this we would've worked things out. But you insisted on text messages.. I know theres no hope for reconciliation or even just talking again in the future, and from experience I think getting back together after a break up is never the same and never as good. But here I am still. Do you ever miss me or regret things, I wonder. But I try not to; the worst part of all of this thinking is that it leads to the same conclusion; call you and work it out. Which will never happen. Anyway, I hope youre happy and that life is going well for you and your family as always.

Hey N, how are you? Miss you a lot this morning. Im sorry for how things went between us, I really miss you and how things were and the house feels soulless and completely empty. Id love to just be chilling out together again on your couch or planning a weekend away and would love to just talk to you, but I know none of that will happen. Was out yesterday for the day with the guys and had a fun evening which felt great at the time, but has made me miss you more now this morning. Still find this hard to understand, but I accept it. I hope all is going well for you and your family as always. Have a great day!