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crossflow

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  • Birthday February 10

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  1. Of course it is, we all start over again and again often without realising it and the next time around you will have more tools and experience than you did the time before that, and this will make you stronger. I think as we get older it becomes more of an issue I guess because we introduce fear into the equation. i can remember my life getting thrown up in the air all the time as a kid and it never phased me. I think of it as the fear factor, the fear of the unknown. I always feel this way when going into something new or at the end of something and when I split up with my ex of 14 years, at first it was very overwhelming. But when I started to think about it, the feeling I was having was quite normal given the circumstances and I realised I owed it to myself to get on top of these fears and move forward. I can actually remember feeling very similar when I left high school. My whole routine went up in the air, missed all my friends and felt very alone, and was really freaking out about my future. It was like ... Oh My, it's real But I got the job I wanted and before I knew it, I had a new life and new friends and the feelings went away. I just acknowledge my feelings for what they are, remind myself it's normal to feel this way. And that way I can manage them rather than them controlling me. I think the biggest issue people face when a relationship split happens is what to do now. You get use to a routine or way of life and sometimes in a blink of an eye it's over and you are left there totally unprepared for what to do next. I just focussed on what I needed to do to get through the next day, and then week, and then the next Month etc and before long I realised I have got a new way of life, new people in it and I'm no longer afraid of what's up ahead.
  2. Well, been a while since I posted here. Last time was around October 05. I had just split with my wife, feeling very confused and alone and found the site really just to chat with people in similar circumstances. Since then it's been a nightmare, my wife tried to commit suicide twice (once in front of the kids) she fabricated an assault charge against me and I ended up getting arrested, I got full custody of both kids, she quit her job and went to go back to the UK after telling my 13 year old she would never see her again. Couldn't leave the Country as she had a warrant out on her for non payment of child support, she got another job, quit that when she got served her divorce papers, Upset my daugher so much on a weekend visit that she didn't go back to see her mum for 3 Months, I met someone else, she still hasn't paid a cent in child support, tried mediation twice, she refused to see the kids over Christmas (what the?) and my Divorce comes through in two weeks. Phew. It is now 14 Months since I split. I met someone else about 5 Months ago and she makes me so happy, I actually look forward to getting up in the mornings. I moved to a 20 acre property up in the Mountains with the most stunning views, bought a horse for my daughter and myself and we have started riding together. My daughter is the happiest I have ever seen her. My 4 year old boy just loves everything, always full of smiles and love. And after 14 Months of complete crap I have finally managed to be at peace. I have a new partner that really appreciates me and the kids and is really cool with me wanting to take it nice and slow. Life in a word is great. I am still on NC with the ex unless it is specifically to do with the kids and that has really helped with my sanity. When I first came here I felt like my world had caved in on me and the help I got here really did make a difference. The advice really helped and just knowing I wasn't the only one going through this really made a difference too. I knew at some point it had to get better, couldn't really get much worse, but I stayed true to myself, focussed on the needs of the kids and my needs and got through it. It was tough, especially trying to sort out all the kids needs after my ex decided not to pick them up one day and then sent a letter to my lawyer telling me to keep them, but it was worth it and was the best move I ever made. The biggest change for me was learning to love who I am, and to be happy with myself. Once I got that sorted out the rest wasn't so bad. So, if you are going through this yourself, my advice, hang in there, it does get better and don't be influenced by what your ex is doing. Stay true to yourself and focus on what YOU need, don't get sucked into addressing their needs, leave that to them to manage. Thanks to everyone that helped me out, I can never repay the kindness I received from people on here that didn't even know me, but maybe if I can offer hope, that is a start.
  3. Maybe she would have realised how much you loved her if you had told her that when she was upstairs packing her stuff rather than sitting downstairs on this forum feeling sorry for yourself. If you think she is worth fighting for, pick yourself up and go do it, otherwise move on and start dealing with it. Sorry if I'm sounding harsh but thinking your life is not worth living over your gf having a kiss with someone else is just too out there for me.
  4. Maybe he was embarresed and decided to lie to escape a confrontation because he knew you would turn the whole thing on yourself, and how it makes you feel, sort of making him feel bad for doing it in the first place. If he believes there is nothing wrong in him doing it , you laying your own insecurities about your own body into the equation is going to make him feel bad about it, then he will resent you and treat you disrespectfully, because you are making a big deal over something he does not see as an issue. Or maybe he figured trust works both ways and if it's ok for you not to trust him by going through his history of web pages it's ok for him to get belligerent and deny it. Either way I think you both need to decide what you want in this relationship, by ending the relationship you have put a stake in the sand and told him if he does something you are not happy about this will be your response. Seems a bit harsh given what has happened, and will hardly inspire him to want to be open in the future if he suspects your going to go to the extreme of ending a relationship every time their is a conflict. If he lied because he was worried about your reaction, you simply have just re-enforced this in his mind. Sounds like you need to just end this, move on and find someone a little more mature that can treat you the way you want to be treated.
  5. I think that's a great idea, having him followed, tell him you know the truth because you went through his phone, called his Ex, checked all his incoming and outgoing calls etc. You might just as well dump him and be done with it because you are pretty much telling him you don't trust him before you have even said a word to him especially if you start getting investigators involved. It may be completely innocent, at this stage you suspect that it isn't because you don't trust him, you already doubt his actions even though you have no idea what is actually going on. Just tell him the truth, you went through his phone, breached his privacy big time and then got paranoid about it and it is doing your head in. At the end of the day that is what happened, take some responsibility here and just ask him what is going on. How can you expect him to be honest and trueful if you can't
  6. think you are reading too much into it. Sure she's told you how she feels about you now you have split up with your ex but you can't blame her for testing an opportunity, just be honest with her about how you see the relationship with her as just friends and if she is a good friend she will be ok with that.
  7. Sounds to me like your the one intentionally hurting yourself. Why you keep putting yourself in the firing line and then start jumping up and down when it doesn't go your way is beyond me. Just let her go and get on with your life, she obviously has. Who she see's is up to her and is none of your business. Worry about your own heeling and move on.
  8. Well they do say if you do things just to cause hurt ultimately you will end up hurting more. If they reminded you of him and you couldn't deal with it you should have just put them away or thrown them away. The only reason you gave them to him was you wanted to cause him pain. If he has thrown them away then I guess it's just too bad. Maybe if you are lucky they meant more to him than they did you and he kept them.
  9. LOL yeah that's a very good point.
  10. Yup totally agree with that. Document everything and always put a get out clause in there. I agreed to pay my ex so much per Month on the understanding that I was only doing that because she had no other form of income. I could not afford to keep that up indefinitely and asked for it to be reviewed Monthly and to be reduced if she found work or my circumstances changed. So basically said I'd pay it but at some point it would need to be reduced because I couldn't really afford it.
  11. I started seeing someone else (Been separated since October) and my ex finds out because one of my kids mentioned it when they were visiting her. I'm still in contact with the ex as we have two kids (which I have custody of) so it's not like I can just go NC or avoid her. Anyway I get a lecture from her about not being ready for a new relationship, somone will get hurt etc etc. I had only seen the new girl a couple of times and yes it could have got more serious but I thought about what my ex had said and I do agree I'm not ready for a full on relationship right now and want to concentrate on my healing and happiness with myself first before I commit to someone else. So I decided not to go any further with the new girl and left it at that. Night before last the ex comes round to see the kids and ends up in a deep conversation with me about our marriage. And then out of no-where so tells me she has been seeing a guy called nick 3 or 4 times a week for the last Month but decided to end it with him because she's not ready for another relationship yet either. I'm like, err so you were seeing him when you told me I shouldn't be seeing someone else and then kept on seeing him for another couple of weeks after that, err how does that work then. She then said she dumped him because she fealt bad about me no-longer seeing this new girl after what she said to me. What the? I only saw her a couple of times for a drink, not like I was seeing her 3 or 4 times a week for a Month. All very odd if you ask me, and frankly I don't really care if she is seeing someone else, makes it a lot easier for me to deal with. I'd rather she move on then keep trying to get back with me because I'm not interested.
  12. Hey Danny. Hope you and the kids are ok. Hang in there mate, you have plenty of support here. Just wanted you to know I was thinking about you
  13. BellaDonna. You don't need to be taking this behaviour, no-one does. You are worth a lot more than that. Get out of the relationship now before the abuse turns physical and judging by his behaviour to date, it will. Find someone who will treat you right. There is someone special out there for you, you just havn't found them yet.
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