karen95

i "had" a friend (still my friend) that i had known for a few months, who i had really clicked with and become very close friends with and i thought a lot of him but never thought of him in a romantic way. But one night we were drinking and we kissed and within a few days i was in love with him. So obviously i had some feelings that were there for him that i did not realize were there. and without the kiss i probably would still not have realized that i had those feelings for him.

Please don't get me wrong in this post. i think that relationships should be equal but my friend and I were talking the last day and we came accross something that is both similar in both of our ex-relationships and similiar in one of our friends relationship at the moment. I am just wondering if this happens in a lot of relationships or it just happened with us. I willl use me and my ex as one example: At the beginning i was in "control". not that i wanted to be in control, but he just seemed to want to do whatever i wanted to do. For example, i would say, shall we go see a movie tonight, and he would say yes. I would not have minded if he had of said no, and i found out later on into the relationship that he hated the cinema. The beginning few months he always agreed with me, but as time went on roles seemed to change. Maybe it was because he got sick of agreeing with me, but somehow he ended up in "control" and i ended up clingy/needy. But it was him that was agreeing with everything i said at the beginning, not me wanting him too!! Why does this happen and more to the point how can i prevent this in the future. i did not want to be in "control" or anything like that. But why is it that he was agreeing with everything i said at the beginning, only to "rebel" against it a few months later, i am not a controlling person, did not know that i was in "control". My friend said the same about her ex, when they got together he was in "control" and she lived by his every move. She did not plan to let him be in "control" and he did not plan on it either. But as their relationship developed the roles swapped, and she was in control. and he was submissive and cliny and needy and insecure. basically how i was at the end of my relationship with my ex. And my friend who is now with her boyf for 2 years. At the beginning she was in control, he lived for every word she said, and always wanted to do what she wanted to do. Again it was a situation where she did not really want to be in control but it just happening. but recently we have all noticed a difference in their relationship. he is now in "control" and she lives by everything he says/ does etc. Why did this happen? and how can this be prevented in the future? thanks

What is she like when you are around each other. do you know if she would consider re-uniting or is she trying to stay friends for the sake of the children?

That is really horrible what your ex said to you but i'd say one of the best things was saying no to him. if he did abuse you, he probably thought he could still control you and last night when you said no to him he was probably a bit shocked to hear you say that so hopefully that was a bit of pay back. Can you get one of your friends to collect your stuff from him? The best revenge now is showing him that he has no control over you, and showing him that he can no longer be abusive to you. Even if what he says hurts you, pretend to him that you don't care less. hope you feel better soon!!

Hi i found this article on the internet. i am not sure if i am allowed to copy in the URL? It may have been printed here before. Be warned it is quite long though: Here is the secret: When you appear unfazed, unmoved, and unflappable in the very face of rejection it does something in the mind of the one rejecting you. It shocks them. It twists their mind. And it sets them on an immediate course to begin seeing you through a different set of lenses. This doesn't mean that you resist showing acceptance of their poor attempt to shake you loose from them. It means that you show that if they want to dump you, it's just OK with you, that it's no big deal, that you can handle it. It means you show no bitterness, or disappointment, or trauma. You sort of act like, "Hmmm... you don't want me? Well, OK, if that's the way you feel..." Whenever someone is inclined to reject you it is because, deep down inside, they believe in their heart of hearts that you are not good enough for them, that you would be shattered by their rejection. And, along with that belief is the perception that you are dependent upon them for your happiness. Those who reject suitors do so to free themselves of the threads of dependency that they believe you have woven around them. It is a desperate move on their part to liberate themselves from being responsible for your life. They sincerely think that they are going to crush you in the process of freeing themselves. When you show none of that as a reaction, it blows their mind and challenges the erroneous perception they've had of you up to this point. Looking at this from the viewpoint of the person doing the rejecting, there is no greater challenge than to face the moment of truth where they believe they are about to crush another person's world. Nobody wants to be the bad guy. No well-adjusted sane person truly wants to hurt someone else. Those who reject always do so with some degree of mixed feelings, feelings of guilt and remorse at the same time as relief of liberation. So here's what to do, when the moment of truth comes, if you want to finally turn the tables on the One You Want and begin to take the upper hand at last: First, don't panic. Remember that this is not the end. It is actually an opportunity for a new beginning an opportunity for you to lay the foundation to be truly respected, admired, and adored. Second, take a deep breath and smile as they're working into their rehearsed pitch. (This works best in person where they can see your face, but it still carries some effectiveness over the telephone because somehow a smile carries in your voice.) Third, listen very carefully to every word that the rejecting person is saying to you. Don't interrupt or try to dissuade them in any way. Give them good eye contact, give facial sympathy, but do so in a smiling, accepting sort of way. This will arouse great feelings of intrigue and curiosity on their part, even as they continue to speak. Try to feel inside a sense of empathy towards them for the mixed feelings you can be sure they're experiencing. Fourth, when you?re sure they?ve finished their speech, let a brief moment of pregnant silence pass by (just for effect to build the anticipation! J ), then clear your throat, and say: "So, what I hear you saying is that it's just not working out. It's not that you don't think highly of me. It's just that (insert here their explanation, whatever it may be). If you could make it different you would, but you can't. Do I understand you correctly?" At this point they will either say (with a sad face for effect, of course), Yes, that's about the size of it, or they will launch into some additional justification. If they add more to their previous explanation, go back to step one and empathetically follow through with them just as before. Eventually, they will reach an end, though in some rare instances they will actually talk themselves out of the rejection before they're done. No matter how illogical or fallacious their thinking may be, it is totally ineffective to try to argue with them or point that out to them at this point. Further, it would backfire and reinforce their determination to escape you. The most effective way to change their mindset at this point is simply to offer understanding, no persuasion whatsoever. Fifth, and finally (and here's where the mind of the rejecter starts to really get blown), then just say with a little enthusiasm something like, "Great! Now that wasn't so bad was it?!" I've never wanted you to feel under any kind of obligation towards me, so I'm really glad to get this out in the open! "So, what would you like to do at this point, then? How would you feel most comfortable handling this? Shall we not see each other again?" Then, just accept totally (or at least appear to) whatever they suggest. If they say they think it would be best to make a clean break and not have any contact again, say fine, whatever you want. (Don't panic here, this is just a technique in psychology that will result in your getting a much better reception down the road.) If they say, no, they'd like to at least stay friends, say fine, as you wish. Whatever they say, just be totally agreeable to it. Trust me when I say they will not believe their ears. Trust me, also, when I say that this is not the end, after all, if you handle it this way. It is actually a new beginning. You most likely will not see the outward results this very night, but the change inside them will have already begun. Time and discreet follow-up on your part will find an unbelievably more receptive party than the last time you spoke. It will, in fact, be a fresh new beginning with one major difference the one you want will now see you as an emotionally strong and independent individual who clearly can live without them. This will be a new beginning towards their really falling in love with you.

ok i am after googleing love spells, and there are about a million sites. what are they. not that i want to "cast" one, but i have never heard of them before, and to be honest they do not make much sense. would any1 like to explain?

i am still confused?? you can put a spell on some1. yeah right. seriously?? that does not sound natural at all

Yes i agree. Ask your doctor if you are all all concerned.

what??? i'm confused

Yes i think it would be good to speak to some1 to try and get her out of your system. have you tried dating other people? how did that go? or are you not ready to move onto that stage yet. you never know, you could meet some1 tomorrow that might take your breath away but i guess it must be extra hard to move on when you have to socialize with her a lot.

I am sorry you are feeling like this. it sounds that you still love her and that it hurts you when you see her with other guys or see her having fun, but at the same time you know that you cannot get back together with her as she has changed from the person she was when you first got together. now when you talk about going to a councellor would it be any way possible that she would agree to go as well, and that you could talk to the councellor about your relationship to try and make it work, or is that completely out of the question?

Maybe even writing a long post and getting everything out and everything sorted in your head might help. you might have a clearer picture in your head then of what you feel and might find a solution or a way to help this problem of your ex. i know writing things down and seeing it in front of me helps me. its like getting all the differnt thoughts in my head onto paper and being able to make better sense of them. its only an idea. what helps me might not help you

So if she is friends with your friends i guess she is almost always there when you are hanging out with your friends. Does she want to get back together with you. i know i would act different around an ex if i still had feelings for them - its just i don't think i would be able to relax and be myself. would telling yourself all her bad points, and reminding yourself of why you broke off with her, and reminding yourself how much she changed and how she is not the person that you feel for. thats one of the things i did to get over my ex, i kept telling myself all his bad points and kept telling myself that i was getting over him and moving on which did help. but then again i was not in contact with him. i guess it must be a lot harder that way.

Do you want to get back together with her or get over her?

You will get there. But it is great to have a place like this where you can come for advice from people who understand and are going through or have been through the same thing as you.