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FrozenMoon

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  1. It's a good suggestion, though I feel that my relationship is definitely one of the positives I experience. I do realize that the life I once lived (where I exited my student dorm at 7:30 for university, spent the entire day with others and often didn't return home before midnight) is not realistic with a partner. Unless he'd take part in everything as well (which I doubt he'd want to do), it would mean we would rarely actually see each other anymore, so of course the presence of a relationship does mean that I would have to strike a balance somewhere. But I am more than willing to do that. My boyfriend means the world to me, and I really cherish him a lot. I do agree that my notion of the past is highly idealistic, and that it definitely is because my current life does not fulfil me in one or multiple aspects. That does sound lovely! Seems like a very nice way to stay in touch for sure. I'm afraid that real life not working the same way thus far is indeed the issue I'm experiencing. I've often been told that this is true, and that people simply live more individually and independent from one another as they grow older. I just don't know if that's a reality I can ever live happily in. It's a bit of a digression perhaps, but I feel like the 'working adult' way of living in its entirety is too individualistic and withdrawn for me to thrive in. Spending our time inside of isolated homes, requiring active steps (planning, looking for activities, etc.) to get friends and family together. No spontaneous meetings, encounters or friendly chatter beyond that with the occasional colleague or acquaintance in the supermarket. A much smaller and less tight-knit social circle as a result. Part of, I guess, the world at university that I find I truly miss is that the day was not chopped up into several individual bits and pieces, consisting of work 'til 5pm / dinner at 7pm / plans at 8pm / sleep at 11pm, all at different places with different people. I would just get up at 5:30am, spend my morning getting ready while the sun rose, then go to university; and the entire rest of the day, apart from the scheduled lecture hours, was forged spontaneously and naturally as we went. It was the same people -- close friends, looser friends, and other peers that I saw every day -- that would accompany me and everyone else as we went through the hours. In this environment, I was -- as I jokingly described this to my boyfriend this morning -- a 'happy little sheep in the herd'. Now, as he jokingly described in return, I feel like an aimless individual in a mega farm, filled with sheep that all go in different directions. I understand that we still have plenty of space to look for social activities outside of work, and that what I mentioned above is an extremely ideal and temporary image which is unrealistic and not necessarily required for a happy life. But it's a good indicative of a much bigger issue, I think. Because it's not just work. My entire life feels dislocated. Every aspect of it takes place somewhere else, with other people. The city is large, and the atmosphere does not feel like it is 'my' place, even though I've come to know so many areas and people. That 'bubble', as it turns out, was so significant to me. Now of course, I'm making this all seem very black and white. I did truly go out of my way to create community in my new living space, and I did successfully find several groups and create some very happy memories. It's just that my overall happiness is significantly lower than it used to be, and on many days I feel very much dejected by it. After all this time, I just don't think I am capable of seeing acceptance as the solution. Real life, so far, is very different. But surely there has to be a way to forge a life where the aspects that are missing now can be found again. I don't think I can ever genuinely, and free of guilt, settle for a world where I.. well, gave up. I find myself struggling with this especially now that I hear some of my friends found ways to live in the city of our university even beyond the study, retaining the community and part of that 'bubble' they built. I had previously told myself it was indeed impossible, and felt myself grow so jealous, and -- to be completely honest -- even slightly angry when they proved the opposite. I didn't want to accept this into the image of impossibility I've so carefully crafted for myself in the past few years, because I didn't want to doubt the new life I had poured all my emotion and energy in. Now, I'm just a bit lost on how to move forward.
  2. Hello everyone, Two and a half years ago, I finished my studies at university. By that time, I'd had a wonderful 6~7 years studying there. The 'city' I studied at (it was barely a city, really; it consisted of the university terrain plus a few very green neighborhoods and a small city center) was much more rural, peaceful, cohesive and friendly than the big city which I grew up in. It's also on the opposite side of the country. Its location was fairly impractical to reach both by car and public transport, but I feel like it added to the feeling that it was its own little cozy bubble, away from the busy world of stress, business and people problems. Of course, this is a partially romanticized memory of what the place was like. I spent some of the best years of my life so far there. What I've realized in hindsight, is that the university terrain was both my "first place, second place and third place", as described by sociologist Ray Oldenburg. It was my place of living, my place of "working" (studying, in this case), and my place for community life and interaction. I cycled everywhere. All my friends were within 3 minutes of cycling, and I saw them all daily; even if we didn't plan something in the evening (which was fairly rare). I had a park in my backyard. I took violin lessons in a beautiful building in the small city center, went to the grand total of five food places / restaurants that were there often with friends, took long walks in the two large arboreta that were present. I felt utterly safe walking the streets alone in total darkness at 3am. I miss all of this. I've made a topic before about feeling disheartened that the working place does not resemble the chummy college atmosphere, and that I miss the feeling of having any close, personal friends among my colleagues. The business world seems to collectively agree that work and personal life should be separated. While I think that works for many people, I'm starting to believe that it simply doesn't work for me. I need that kind of personal connection. It's been two to three years, and despite my efforts and the great advice from other people, I'm still disillusioned. It is simply not improving. But it goes further than that. I don't just miss having friends at the place I spend most of my hours. I miss the atmosphere of both my university and the little city surrounding it. I miss the people. I miss my best friend. The streets, the park, the little supermarket. My violin teacher. The sunrise between the trees. The bus stop surrounded by flowers. I miss being so close to everyone and everything that made my life. It's been two and a half years. Due to the poor housing situation in our country, I had to move back in with my parents on the other side of the country as soon as I wrapped up my studies. Although I tried to very actively keep in contact with all my university friends, I was the first who finished studying, and thus had to move away while everyone else remained. And sadly, the consequence is that life there has moved on without me. Of course I still see my friends every now and again, but it's not easy so far away. And the spontaneous plans that happen when people encounter each other on the streets, in the supermarket, or in the university hallways now of course all happen without me, because I am not there. I see them talk in the group chats about things I know nothing about. Making jokes that I don't understand. Even though they never actively excluded me from anything, I feel incredibly left out. The person who used to be my best friend has other great friends now and she's barely someone I speak to more than once a month at this point. Of course, I've not sat still in these two to three years. I've recently gotten myself an apartment, together with my boyfriend. I've picked up new sports. Started volunteering. Went to lots of events to meet people. Made new friends. Interacted with local places, such as game stores and the culture center. I'm building up every day, and have acquired all elements that -- as someone recently described it -- "contribute to a good, stable life". And yet, I still can't shake the feeling. My current life has all the makings of a good one, but all too often, I still get so nostalgic for my time at university. I start comparing what I have now to what I had then, and somehow, I'm unhappy. Yesterday was especially rough. I spoke with one of my old friends from university again, and she said she had been lucky enough to win a housing draw, and she was soon to get the keys to her new home in -- you guessed it -- the city we studied in. Additionally, as it turns out, one other old friend of mine has moved in with his new girlfriend who has a house in that very same city. Two of my other friends have found work there. What I'm seeing is that slowly, bit by bit, these people are somehow finding ways to stick around the place even after their studies. And that made me feel so, so very jealous.. because I also really wanted to, but couldn't. They're continuing to live the life that I would be so happy to continue forever, but was unable to. And now, I just feel like it's too late to change things. I've created a new life near the place where I grew up (different city though) with my boyfriend. His family and connections are also from this side of the country, so my university place is very far away from them all. If we entertain the thought for a minute that I could move back there, I don't know if he would be very happy with it. I'm also very, very scared that it wouldn't be the same again. Even if I find a way to live there again, I'm not attending university anymore. I could find a job at the university, maybe. But I'll roam the hallways without the friends I once roamed them with. Some of them will still be there, but some will have moved away. Relationships have changed since I was away. Could we all reconnect? I could pick up my violin lessons again. Take the same walks through the same park. But will it be the same? Will it feel like chasing a ghost of the past, or can I actually re-establish my happy life there? And maybe most importantly, what would really be the reason for doing so; am I missing the place, the people, or simply the period in my life? The latter, I'll never be getting back no matter what I do. I've also entertained moving elsewhere. More rural, perhaps. Maybe I'm just not a city person, and that's the problem. Or alternatively, I could try another university city, to look for a similar atmosphere. But no matter where I look, no matter how beautiful a place is, I find myself inevitably comparing it with my university city. And it never matches up, because, well.. simply because it isn't that city. It doesn't have the same street layout, the same trees, the same small city center. So it doesn't feel good enough. I just don't really understand what is happening anymore at this point. I should be happy where I am now, but underneath the surface I still can't help but miss the life I once had. My heart still lies on the other side of the country, where it has been ever since I left. Is there an aspect in my life that is missing? Does some part of my current life make me unhappy? Is this anything I can change at all? I can't put my finger on it. I think it's one thing to feel nostalgic about a past time, but a whole other to actively feel sad about it in your day to day life. Sometimes it reaches the point where I think the happiest period of my life has already passed, and I'm never going to "truly be happy" again. Of course, there's always a period for adjustment going from university to a working life, as well as from moving from one part of the country to another. I expect some turbulence and hiccups. People keep saying I should just "sit it out", and that "it'll pass once you've found your new place in life". But it's been going on for so long, and still feels so disproportional. I've waited for two and a half years, and built up so much, but to no avail. Surely, there must be something else I can do besides waiting. There has to be something at the base of this that I can work on.. But what? 😞
  3. Thank you for your replies. If I may ask -- and this is a genuine question -- what is it in my post that gives away my natural inclination? I believe you, it's just something I've been overthinking incredibly lately, and I'm looking to find back my sense of direction with it. Part of me believes the jealousy I experienced earlier is a sign, clear as day, that non-monogamy would not work for me. But another part of me is well aware that monogamy is the only thing I've ever known, being raised in a culture where it is praised, considered the only morally correct structure, and any alternatives are heavily underexposed. Shunned, even. And: That is why I, indeed, feel it was wrong for me to write open relationships off as 'a bad option' all my life, without second thought. The concept was avoided by everyone I knew, so I avoided it as well. Maybe that's just what's messing with me now -- I've always been monogamous, but I don't know what share of 'choosing' monogamy all my life was truly an active decision of my own. It was simply what was always deemed correct. I am also aware that, consequently, my concept of a successful relationship is shaped conform monogamous standards. This is why I'm so hung up on trying to figure out the source of my previous jealousy. Was it because I didn't want him to interact with anyone he might develop interest in? Because I hated the thought of him being attracted? Or was it because I've been brought up with the idea that your partner being attracted to someone else is a bad thing, that it spells danger for your relationship? If I heard from him right now that he met a girl he finds really attractive, would I feel that pang of jealousy again? In any case -- bottom line, as many of you pointed out, is that I love my boyfriend and wish to hold on tight to what we have. These thoughts, as Lambert phrased correctly, are simply musings. I'm just a little stuck in the mess that is reflecting upon them.
  4. Hello all, A little over a year back, I created another topic on this forum, concerning my anxiety with regards to my boyfriend's (new at the time) female university friends. Back then, this fear consumed me. I received some great advice and eventually saw a psychologist. Additionally, time went by, and I was able to gradually learn to trust. He still meets new women all the time, but I am now in a place (and have been for about ten months) where I am completely and authentically relaxed about this. My view of relationships has always been a very traditional and exclusive one. Strictly monogamous. In this period of anxiety, I remember fearing that as soon as he developed any sliver of interest in anyone else, it was over. I dreaded any form of competition because I believed that just one wrong roll of the dice would be enough to take away such an important person in my life. Now, none of this has anything to do directly with what I'm about to address here, but I feel it is a relevant part of the background. The issue at hand: I have always been a very socially active person, and often go out to camping weekends and the likes. This is also where I commonly meet new people. Within the past two or so months, I have encountered the other side of the coin, and have noticed that two of the new men I've become friendly with have sparked a form of attraction in me. Nothing emotional, nothing deep, merely some chemical signals in my brain that tell me just that -- that they are attractive men. Keep in mind, these are people that I know mostly on a surface level, or only slightly beyond that. I do not actively keep in contact with them, and only encounter them on some of these camping trips, where we largely go about in groups. I feel the pull. I definitely feel the pull, but I have no trouble setting boundaries. About a month ago, one of them initiated some flirty behavior with me. I didn't reciprocate, brought up that I had a boyfriend, which he respected, and we haven't interacted much since. In and of itself, I'm happy to know now that this is how things like that can go: attraction, even if it's mutual, doesn't have to be acted on. It's definitely evidence to put some of my previous worries to rest. However -- this is, sadly, not where it ends. In terms of our interactions, yes. But my mind has been spinning in circles. The other guy, who I've actually only met last week, added to this issue. Although he's done no such thing as outright flirt with me, I felt like I was definitely picking up some signals. Again, I've made sure to set out my boundaries and act accordingly. But again, it's the mental aftermath that's getting to me. To be blunt: I think about them. Commonly. I also sincerely love my boyfriend. I don't think these two are mutually exclusive. My current relationship is my number one priority, and I will always protect it. I can't imagine a future without him. But I feel awful knowing that I experience these feelings of attraction, and I would be lying if I said that the "what ifs" haven't crossed my mind. It's the excitement of something new, I suppose. The intrigue. Nothing I would give up the deep love and appreciation of my current relationship for, but these feelings are there, and I cannot change that I experienced them. What's more, a lot of my friends have recently been entering open relationships. I've talked about this with them at length. The concept of open relationships used to scare me, because what you feed, grows: iniating physical contact with someone you feel attracted to is likely to awaken stronger feelings, and -- in my perception at the time -- could prompt your partner to fall emotionally for this 'someone else', thus resulting in a higher chance of them eventually leaving you. The concept of an open relationship as I understood it directly fed into my anxiety, and I tried to push away any and all evidence of it even existing. But what I understood from my conversations with them is that they do not share this fear at all. They know that it can happen. At the same time, they don't feel that it is inherently wrong for their partners to feel emotionally attracted to someone else. In fact, because their relationship structure allows for attraction to be acted upon, they experience a form of security knowing that competition is never an issue. No amount of external attraction or flirtation will break up their relationship. On the contrary, it's all part of it. They feel safe knowing their partners are 'free to roam' to obtain any unmet needs elsewhere (thus putting less stress on the relationship), and will ultimately come back. This brought me back to how scared I felt for the first year of my relationship. What was I scared of? That he would feel attracted to other women. Why? Because he might leave me for them. But then, if that were to happen -- would I inherently be jealous of him being with another woman, or would I be jealous only of the consequence (i.e. that I could not have him)? Was it truly the fear of him liking someone, or the fear of losing him because of it? Perhaps both? And, you guessed it, this has only thrown me off me further. The fear I experienced back then was real. Too real. I know what I felt, but I can't go back in time to re-analyze it in that moment. What exactly was I afraid of? Were the rules of exclusivity keeping us safe from what I feared, or were they the reason there was something to be feared for me to begin with? To state the obvious, the two cases of attraction I've felt recently have had me pondering the whole thing. My relationship is monogamous. My relationships have always been. And to be absolutely clear about this, I have zero intention of breaking the rules. My boyfriend and I have established what the boundaries are, and I respect them, always. I cherish him more than anything. It's just that my general perception of relationships has been thrown for an immense loop, and I'm not sure what to think anymore. Was exclusivity the cure to, or a source of my fear? Is it in any way shape or form immoral to consider how an open relationship would compare -- even if I don't necessarily intend to be in one -- when I'm happy in the monogamous one I have now? Is it wrong to be curious? I feel like it's definitely frowned upon, and knowing that these thoughts have been sparked by recent events makes it worse. Am I just thinking about all of this now because of these two men that I met? How would I feel if my boyfriend were free to get physical with anyone? How would it affect me, and moreover, why? The truth to all of this is, I don't know. I don't know anything other than that which I've always had. Again, and I state this with emphasis, so long as I am in a monogamous relationship, I have every intention to continue to protect it, as I have done until now. I don't need anything else. I don't even know how an open relationship would affect me, considering the intense fear that I experienced earlier. I'm perfectly fine forgetting about these two men and moving on with my life. All they've done, together with the recent uprise of open relationships in my social circle, is set some thinking in motion. I'm just confused. Hence, I'm looking for some other perspectives. Someone who can help me clear up my thoughts. And perhaps, my final question: is this pondering something I should or should not bring up with my boyfriend? I don't want to send any unintended signals his way. I am very happy and content. I just always pushed the thoughts of open relationships away, and now that I've been confronted with them in a calmer light, I'm just trying to evaluate them. Any insights would be greatly appreciated.
  5. First of all, thank you for your replies, and your perspectives on the situation. I have genuinely found myself in an indecisive state of whether I should try something else already, but I do realize that if I never give any job the chance to prove itself, I'm never going to find something that I resonate with. I have a very hard time getting used to the new routine. I heavily dislike doing similar things every day. But I also dislike unpredictability. I realize what this means, haha -- I don't think having both is very realistic. I love the suggestions of volunteering, thank you! Specifically the backstage volunteering at a community theater sounds good: turns out we have a big outdoor theater in a relatively nearby city. I've done a bit of searching, and I've also found volunteering opportunities at a nearby beach with activities that, I think, would be much enjoyed by my age group. I've just finished sending emails to both of them. I've also done some searching on grad school -- I have to say, I live in the Netherlands, and I'm not entirely sure what the Dutch equivalent of grad school is. Haha. From what I've gathered, is it a fair conclusion to say it's effectively a Master's degree? Or is it something else? I would love to take more courses at university, but the Dutch system has unfortunately left me with a massive student debt which I need to start paying off soon, and for as far as I can tell we only have full-time education available on nearby universities. If I could find something to squeeze within my schedule (without hampering my ability to pay back my monthly debts), though, I'd definitely be up!
  6. Hello all, I'm a recent graduate from college, having completed a four month internship at the end of July to wrap up my studies with, and am now going to officially start as an employee in this same company coming Monday. My task will be developing artificial intelligence, which I've always found a super fascinating field and which I genuinely loved working on in university. The company is a start-up and only consists of 4 people (myself included) as it stands, but they intend to expand rapidly within the upcoming year. My boss is fantastic and I've been given a lot of space and flexibility in terms of task choice, working schedule, and additional vacation days. But I'm worried. During the internship, I had a good time, but I've always felt like something was missing. Something that now already makes me fear that I'm stuck and unable to move forward in my life, two days before I've officially even started. And I don't know what it is. My best guess right now is that it has to do with the social environment. The people at my office are very friendly and chatty, but they're not of my age group (they're older). We do frequently lunch together with the office next to us who does have a few people my age, and they're good company, but somehow this also doesn't alleviate the feeling. I feel like I miss the social environment of college. I miss meeting new people every month, I miss making friends instead of making colleagues, I miss going on excursions with them, and all that kinds of stuff. I just miss the college atmosphere. And my slowly growing fear is that this is not just a problem particular to the job that I'm doing now, because I hear everyone around me -- people who have also recently graduated in many different fields -- mention that they work their jobs alone or in groups of people of varying ages, too. And above all, that they don't truly see their colleagues as friends: because everyone's work and social life are separated. Which I understand, but to me, that signals that what I think I'm looking for is just simply not in the cards anymore after college concludes. For context, I have plenty of social contacts outside of my job. I have many friends who I can almost always ring up to do something fun with. The problem is not that I'm alone. The problem, as I think I understand it, is that those 8 hours a day I spend at the office are so much less socially stimulating than those 8 hours a day I spent at college. But then, I also don't even know if this is truly the problem. During my college years, I was always more than happy to go back to university after the vacation, because I truly enjoyed every hour I spent there. For none of the (summer) jobs I've ever worked I could say the same. The only time I sincerely enjoyed a job were the two months I worked as a student-assistant, but as this was a part-time job that I worked while simultaneously following regular courses, I don't know if this is a fair comparison. I don't think the contents of the job are necessarily the problem, as again, I've always enjoyed programming and developing code at university. And I know I should eventually be getting a team to code with. On paper, everything about this job sounds so perfect. My employer offers me so much. Truth is, I'm clueless as to what is causing me to feel like this. All I know is I don't want to settle for feeling like this for the rest of my life. I don't know if I should be worried, looking into already switching jobs, or even if I did, what I should switch to.. I just think I'll always compare everything to college, and that nothing will ever match up this way. Does anyone recognize this feeling?
  7. It absolutely is about my untreated issues, 100%. Those girls he befriended were not the problem; my mental reaction to them was. And I know that so long as I do not fix myself, I will have a very similar -- if not the exact same -- reaction the next time he befriends a new female. My logical side knows this, and yet I have a hard time convincing myself there's no actual threat. My whole body responds as though there is. I reassure myself "they're just college friends", but something deep inside me truly, wholly and unshakably believes that it's only a matter of time until it goes wrong. It is this persistent belief, this toxic subconscious mindset that is eating away at me. It feels like I'm staring a hungry tiger in the face and trying to tell myself that it won't attack me, and that I'm safe. I know it's true, but it's really hard to fully believe. I've actually been working on applying for a part-time job to fill up my time a bit more, and I'm starting on one at the beginning of April. I'm really hoping this'll help me get back into society a bit more, as well as provide me with some much needed distraction. There are a few times when I've felt out of control that come to mind, apart from the ongoing situation. For one, it happened when the pandemic started, and life as I knew it got shut down entirely. It happened when I was working on a university project that -- due to external data problems -- ended up standing still entirely for half a year, and I couldn't proceed my studies without it. It also happened when my mother encountered health problems a couple of years back, and I was unable to visit often. All of these examples concerned people, events, or otherwise things that I care about deeply. They also all had a significant impact on my future. And for all three of them, I had absolutely no idea -- and perhaps more importantly, no security -- about what the outcome of the situation would be. If an outcome like that deeply matters to me, there is nothing that I want more than to ensure that everything goes right. But unfortunately, in those kinds of situations, I can't. My unease in feeling out of control seems to stem from the fact that I can't sit still -- I'm always desperately seeking for ways to improve the chances of a "good" outcome, while sometimes, these simply put do not exist. In those situations, I'll exhaust myself and stress myself out, trying to look for something, anything that I can do, while all I can truly do is wait. Invest time and emotion into something of which I, in all reality, do not know if it's going to pay off at all. I've always lived the philosophy that hard work yields results, and it scares me to think that some things "just happen or don't" because of external factors I cannot change. It makes me feel so vulnerable. Of course, this is merely my own assessment. A professional might be able to evaluate my patterns more objectively. I actually briefly looked into this before. They offer short-term counseling only, and current waiting lists for long-term help take up about half a year, according to one of my friends. At the time, that discouraged me. I won't be around campus for much longer now, as I'm wrapping up my studies in three to four months, but I'll schedule a take-in meeting regardless and see if they can refer me to someone nearby. It's a good tip, thank you. I think the answer is a partial yes, and a partial no. My boyfriend is a naturally very introverted person, and before the events mentioned in my initial post, the only other female he'd ever befriended in his life ended up being his previous girlfriend. He's never had any platonic female friends. Therefore, I had no point of reference at all regarding how he'd handle female friendships going into this situation. I was terrified that perhaps he'd fall for any female he had a decent click with. It truly was a jump into the deep end. Those months he spent alongside those two girls without anything happening have at least shown me that this fear was unjustified. My doom-thinking brain still doesn't believe in fully platonic male-female friendships, and loves coming up with terrible what-ifs, but at least now I have a reference point to counteract my unreasonably negative thoughts with. As much as I dread the thought of him ending up following, let's say, an entire semester with only one of these girls as his lab partner, I also truly believe that if it happened, and if nothing bad came of it, I'd come out of that situation significantly stronger. I need my beliefs disproven. And in that regard, seeing him platonically handle female friendships, I do believe, is of big support -- even if it scares me. The partial no, however, comes from the fact that part of my fear is grounded in stories I've heard from others. Stories about relationships that lasted years, which were secure, happy, healthy and stable, and still got torn to shreds because one of the partners just so happened to run into someone new they had an incredible chemistry with. I'm not afraid that my boyfriend will knowingly cheat on me, because I trust him as a person. What I'm afraid of is that, outside of his control, he'll just happen to develop feelings for someone because lady luck decided it was time for him to run into his perfect match. We control our actions, but not our feelings, and this could happen to anyone. It might as well entirely be random chance. That part of my fears is the most intense, the most persistent, and will presumably be the hardest to get rid of. Even typing it, I feel it hits very close to home. I wholeheartedly agree with this. It's no way to live. It's exactly why, so far, I've fought this battle by myself -- with the occasional help of some close friends and my parents -- without limiting him in any way shape or form. He deserves to be free to talk with whoever he wants. He's a living, breathing human being. I don't want to take anything away from him.
  8. First of all, thank you all for your replies. I've carefully read them all at the time, and I've taken a lot of what's been said here with me, to help me fight through this. I felt so incredibly miserable at the time that I couldn't find the strength or effort to write more, but now that I've finally somewhat found my footing, I feel that it is time to get back to this. A brief update, to start with: him and me are still together, and going strong. We're almost 7 months into the relationship now, still heads over heels in love, and the future is looking bright. Although he does still occasionally meet the two girls in question, he doesn't see both of them on a daily basis currently, simply because he has gone a couple of courses without them. Never have I mentioned anything negatively about them (nor the jealousy I experienced): I've always expressed happiness for him finally being able to meet some people, and showed healthy interest whenever he mentioned them, like I would if he mentioned any of his male friends: no more, no less. Today, he expressed again the wish to make more friends at university. My brain screamed at me, knowing this means he's likely to meet more girls in the years to come, and my immediate internal reaction was fear. My outwards reaction, however, were encouraging words, and today for the first time, I dared to offer him some genuine advice on how to meet people that I've used to form my own friend groups back in the day. I love him, want him to live his best life and know that being supportive is the only right thing to do. Even though it left me absolutely terrified and anxious again. I've tried looking for therapy, but unfortunately, the waiting lists are extremely long and I don't have the money to comfortably afford it, either. I've been getting better, though: for the past two months, for the first time again since the start of our relationship, I have experienced some genuinely carefree days. Even though they're inconsistent, they're little breathers, and evidence that yes -- I can overcome this. Additionally, a lot of thinking and reflecting has led me to the following conclusions: I believe my fear stems from: The intrinsic belief that men and women cannot just be friends, if they truly click and see each other 1 on 1 for prolonged periods of time every day -- as may happen in college. (If anyone has any examples of this belief being untrue, I would please, please ask you to share them: I'm trying very hard to rewire my brain in this regard!) Stories I've heard from close friends, about long term relationships that fell apart when one partner fell in love with someone new. I know this sometimes just happens. It makes me feel out of control, like I'm rolling a dice with every new course he attends, and if it just so happens to land on a 1, I lose him. This, I think, is the main source of my anxiety. The fact that he's meeting many new people on a monthly basis, while I am not. I am currently working on a thesis project, which is very solitary work. This makes me feel vulnerable. (To answer Rose's question: No, I have not been cheated on before. I do, however, have several people in my social surroundings to who it has happened.) And all of this is further amplified by the fact that: I am insecure about how I measure up to some other wonderful women. I do, indeed, worry obsessively. I have a past of doing this. I'm very much someone who feels the need to always be on top of things that appear to be going wrong, and when things are outside of my control -- for instance, because the future simply cannot be predicted -- I stress out about it. As you've all said before, awareness alone doesn't solve the issue. My boyfriend is, of course, very happy with every social interaction he has at university, so he talks very openly and enthusiastically about everyone he meets, including females. As a result, when I'm alone, I've had bouts of anxiety. Nights crying myself to sleep. Streaks of nightmares. But fortunately, they're decreasing in frequency, and I am slowly getting in a state of mind where I am more comfortable with him being out there meeting others. We've had fantastic days. A nice vacation trip together. And beautiful ideas already for our 1 year anniversary. And in the meantime, I'm focusing on being the best friend and girlfriend I can be to him. I realize that my mental state is still far from healthy -- but I also realize that if I don't fight through this now, I'll just end up carrying this over to my next relationship. Therefore, I'm still trying to tackle it the best I can. I feel that I've come a long way, but still have a very long road to go as well: time and experience will have to teach me that female friendships don't always have to be a threat. With regards to the first two sources of fear that I mentioned: my brain, unfortunately, only has evidence to confirm that these are things to be afraid of. If anyone has any stories to prove the opposite, I'd be very grateful if you could share them! I hope this has provided some additional insights, and any further advice is very, very welcome: as the battle is improving, but definitely not over yet.
  9. Hello all, I don't know how I feel about creating a new thread so recently after my last one; it seems that just after I conquered my negative thoughts about one topic, I'm now dealing with fears about the next. I sense a pattern here and it's really quite unfortunate. I have always had jealousy issues throughout my past relationships. It's a recurring thing, I'm afraid. I thought I'd outgrown it now, but the past week has sadly shown me otherwise. My boyfriend of 3 weeks (a very young relationship, I know!) has attended his first week of on-site college after the covid lockdown. He's mentioned on multiple occasions how he previously missed having college friends (due to lessons being online only) and how he really wanted to find a social group. This monday, he got sorted into a group for practicals with two classmates (both girls), and they've been getting along well. Yesterday, he created a WhatsApp group with them, and one of the girls has already suggested hanging out at her place with the three of them. When he told me about this, he sounded so happy to finally have a few contacts. I smiled and said it was nice, but my heart sank. This entire week, I've done nothing but hope that these girls wouldn't stick around, but now it seems like they're going to be his primary social circle at least for the weeks to come. I know everyone's just looking for new contacts, I should be happy for him, and my own first friend group also largely consisted of the opposite gender without anything ever happening; on top of this all, he contacts me daily, checks up on me a lot, is clearly into me and I full well realize he has no romantic interest in some classmates he met only four days ago. But no matter how much I try to rationalize, my fear ignores my every attempt, and it hurts. To give a little background, we got together at the end of the summer vacation, at which point he exclusively had male friends. I was so relieved when I found out. I am in no position to dictate who people can befriend and know for a fact that, yes, throughout a lifetime people will always gain friends of the opposite gender, and in a healthy relationship this shouldn't be perceived as a threat. But I was, quite frankly, happy that there was nothing to provoke my insecurity. Now, thoughts such as "why did it have to be two girls?" "why did they have to get along so well?" and the likes keep spiraling in my mind. I can't seem to stop them. I know this is my problem. I know it is my perspective that needs to be tackled -- especially when it occurs only three weeks into a relationship! I plan to be the most supportive girlfriend I can be, as I deeply believe he should be able to freely befriend whatever men or women he wishes to. Therefore, I don't plan on bringing this up with him, either. Jealously is a killer. These issues are mine, and therefore mine to deal with. But it is really, really hard. Every time I look at the clock and realize that he's currently with them, I get so anxious. I haven't been able to sleep well. I'm actually, physically feeling nauseous as a result of the stress. We have many great things planned together next week, but my skies are constantly clouded, and I can't look forward to them the same I could in the past few weeks. I've been doing my best to securely bottle this up and deal with it, but every time I think I'm making progress, I fall right back to where I started. I am 100% overreacting. I don't need outside perspectives to know that this is a severe case of unhealthy, obsessive worrying over something very small and honestly very innocent. What's scaring me the most is that, until tuesday, I could set my concerns aside whenever I spoke to him, and all would be good again. But since then I've noticed that even while talking to him, I am hurting in the back of my mind. I'm trying to not let it show. But I can't quite experience our interactions the same. I'm afraid this will get in the way of our communication. I see that coming from a mile away. This is a time bomb and if I don't fix myself soon, it's bound to kill what we have. I don't want this to become another "if only I hadn't". I'm not about to let this harm us. Whatever it takes. But what can I do? What can I tell myself to put my anxious thinking to rest? Is there any chance it'll just get better with time? I know I am the only one who can solve this. But my heart won't listen to my brain, and I'm at a loss as to how else to change this. I desperately need someone to shake me up.
  10. Coming back a few months later now, to reflect on this topic again. I'm currently doing better -- stopping to think about the topic for too long does still get me uneasy, but I've gotten to a point where I believe to have it under control. The quarter life crisis as mentioned by Seraphim was a new concept to me, but it definitely seems to cover a large amount of what I've been feeling. Throughout the past month, I've been fortunate enough to talk with some peers who seemed to recognize my struggles. I realized that a lot of them had many doubts about their position in life, about how quickly the years were passing, and mostly, about what it meant to not be a kid anymore when being one has been the only reality you've known all your life. It's unknown territory, and that makes it terrifying. I was admittedly doing the worst among my friends, but at least finding out I wasn't alone in these fears, in that moment, was of great support. I've also reflected, a lot. - What do you think will change about who you are and who you want to be as you get older? This, in hindsight, was a key question. I used to be very insecure about myself in the past, struggling to find a version of me that I was happy with -- but through the years and with the feedback from many kind friends, I've finally come to a place where I am confident, comfortable, and genuinely love myself for who I am. I'm an enthusiastic and bubbly person, often described as a source of energy and positivity among my friends. I also always was the youngest. And one way or another, I believe I've intertwined these two concepts, afraid that if I lose one I'll also lose the other. When I pictured myself as an e.g. 40 year old, I couldn't see the same youthful bundle of energy that I used to be; and I didn't (and frankly, still don't) know what kind of person to replace that with. There's an uncertainty about whether I'll still love myself the same, if I can no longer be the person I've so happily grown into. It sometimes feels like I'm on a countdown to "losing my spark". That, I think, is what made it such a hard pill to swallow for me. - Why are you so superficial about something we all know is fleeting / why do you continue to need to be soothed about something every living being faces? This was a tough question for me to think about, to be honest. There's a part of me that instinctively believes that, since we all face this same problem, it can't be that bad -- but another part that says yes, it is, and we're all just going to have to suffer through it anyway because the world can be a dark place like that. I think ultimately, I just find it hard to put it in the broader perspective. During my fulltime job this summer, I've had plenty of time alone with my thoughts. I'd sit there ruminating about my fears while everyone else around me seemed to go on happily about their day. I felt very alone with my thoughts and for 8 hours a day I had nothing to help take my mind off it (I worked a production job, so my brain was always free to wander off). What I believe made me so susceptible to this was the fact I had too much time to create that negative mental state and then wander around in it, with nothing to help me redirect my thoughts towards something productive. - Why do you think these things are harder or mean more to you than anyone else? I don't believe they're harder on me than on anyone else; I do believe I was doing a poorer job at handling them than the average person, or at least the average person that I externally observed. My thoughts were harder on me. This really was something I was doing to myself. - What do expect some miracle that will keep you young? No, none at all. I can either accept what will happen and make the best of it, or continue to dread the inevitable. Life moves on, whichever I pick. I honestly did shed a little tear when I read all these comments about living in the moment, enjoying the here and now, and all the little things in life. It's not uncommon for me to have these negative thoughts and then later fault myself for spending the day worrying rather than going out and doing things. Because I should be going out and doing things. And fortunately, thoughout July and August, I have; after meeting up with friends a lot, visiting amusement parks, travelling to some new cities, etc etc, I do feel quite refreshed and like I am in a much better state of mind. Sitting at the office 8 hours a day, 5 days a week just wasn't doing me any good. I wasn't moving forward. Perhaps that's partially at the core of what stressed me out so much. It was also good for me to realize that the world around me hasn't changed a bit between then and now; merely the way I look at it. And yet I am doing so much better. So here we are now, I'm older again -- two whole months! -- but with that time only came improvement. If that isn't evidence, then I don't know what is, haha. I really shouldn't be so scared. In response to Lootie: if I remember to do so, I surely will! I really like the idea of coming back here when I'm older again, to reflect on and record how things have changed. If anything at all, maybe it can help someone else in the same state I was in when I wrote my initial message. And of course, it'll be a nice little overview of what time in the end has actually done for me. Love the geography analogy, too!
  11. Hello, I realize it's not that long ago (<1 year) since my last thread on this forum, where I explained that I was living my best life yet worried that I was lagging behind on everyone else in terms of relationships (I was single, haven't been pursuing, still am). Since then, I frankly put it on the backburner and haven't been too worried about it. Unfortunately, that all changed at the start of this week. I encountered people talking about "the wall" -- women hitting 30 and "deteriorating" from then on forward. First I wrote it off as just another made-up cultural belief, but it did bother me. And the more I read up about it, the more I realized that, while not such a hard limit, there is some minor truth to it. Between 30 and 40, most consider you to be middle-aged, the first wrinkles start showing, etc. I realize that I am still only 23 (turning 24 in two weeks) and this is years away from me, but.. it's much closer already than I am comfortable with. Quite frankly, it makes me anxious. Worst of all, this being on my mind opened up a whole other can of worms. Just yesterday, I happened to be scrolling through some old photos. Photos from times that felt like yesterday, but in truth already lie 6-8 years in the past. I was 16. And now for the first time, I saw just how young I used to be. I never thought that I had physically changed much since that age (I've always naturally had a very young looking face), but now, it was visible to me in all the small details. By no means do I look "old" now, but this was the first time that comparison made me feel something. Made me realize more than ever that time is not standing still. I am losing my youth. Soon, for the first time in my life, I will no longer be referred to as "the new generation". I will no longer be a student, and I will no longer be "the youngest member" anywhere. Scrolling through the same pictures, I saw how much younger my friends looked, how much younger my parents looked. The past few years, I have been terrified about them growing older and older, realizing I've been taking them for granted all my life but they may soon no longer be there. Realizing how long ago these photos were taken and how quickly the years have passed.. I'm scared. I'm really, really scared. They are losing time and there is nothing I can do to stop it. What began as "maybe now is the time for me to hurry and start dating" now has nothing to do with romance anymore, and has changed to a constant feeling of dread with regards to time in general. I've never feared growing older. In fact, I was always looking forward to gradually experiencing every phase in life. But since this week, I've done nothing but obsessively think about it. I'm honestly distressed. I had to retreat to the bathroom at work today because I felt tears welling up and didn't want my coworkers to see me that way. I realize there is nothing to be done about it, and we all face these same problems, but I just cannot cope with it right now. It's not that I'm missing anything: I still do live a wonderful and fulfilling life, and was very happy in general until the moment this popped up. Now it's gotten into my head and I'm just a mess. I'm not sure either what I can ask from you all here, I just needed to get this out of my system somewhere. I'm stuck in a state of fear, and suddenly lost all sense on how to process this.
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