Jump to content

James516

Silver Member
  • Posts

    359
  • Joined

Recent Profile Visitors

The recent visitors block is disabled and is not being shown to other users.

James516's Achievements

Enthusiast

Enthusiast (6/14)

  • First Post
  • Collaborator
  • Week One Done
  • One Month Later
  • One Year In

Recent Badges

55

Reputation

  1. It's very telling that you say you have worked for over a decade with 75 people and never were invited to one of their social gatherings. That is a sign of someone who doesn't connect with people which means that could continue regardless of the environment. I see that you have posted quite a lot about the world not being ready for the uniqueness of Whirling D and being shy, and that's fine. To connect, though, sometimes you're going to have to expand the territory of topics to talk about in order to establish a baseline of connecting or when asking a question and listening, also contribute something about yourself that relates to what the person just said instead of going on to the next question. That way the person feels heard and gives the conversation a chance to move forward, It's not "creepy" to message someone on Facebook, but don't lead with anything about her looks. If there is a picture at a restaurant or local area, start by asking about that place and reply about something similar you know about. Or with the dog walker, always start by commenting about the dog, what breed, etc. But always keep in mind, that you are not contacting them on a dating site, so that person may simply not be into talking with someone new. Or want to have their dog time interrupted. In those cases, it's creepy not to move on.
  2. Everything Wiseman said. And to add to that - there needs to be a sense of self that is developed outside of the routine of Mr Nice Guy Looking To Over-please In Order To Breed. That routine is clearly not working. The fact that most of your dates are saying quickly that they're not feeling it indicates you are coming off as too passive and uninteresting which will dim any spark. Start finding activity groups to fill the weekends with things to do with new people. That's not necessarily to find someone. Activities build interesting stories and topics which then builds interest as well as something to connect on during a date. There should be more to you to show that you offer more than being an over-willing relationship sherpa
  3. For any male at 18, unless you have a hairy double-headed sized growth coming out of your forehead, he will have sex with you, flirting or not. Women can never know the amount of sexual energy dominating the male body and brain at that time that will release us to pursue anything humanely female for a roll. (Yes, it does continue for most men after that age range, but not as intensely). The thing that isn't ringing true for me is your stance that it's all for casual fun. Your multiple posts about this guy is more than someone looking to be casual. You need to be real with yourself that if you're trying to maneuver into something long term while talking a good game about it being causal, another characteristic of being 18 is moving on quickly. So he will move on in the middle your weighing out how much your would like this to be more. That said, if you truly are okay for some sex without feelings and then a goodbye, it's very simple - you can invite him anywhere, take a walk in the park, and it will be yah-yah time fairly soon after that.
  4. A statement such as "let's do it again soon or sometime" is the exact vague line I used to say right before wanting to forever bolt away from a first date without it being awkward. You didn't do anything wrong by saying that. You just set up the next step which is to follow up with a suggestion of another specific day and activity, as has already been advised in this thread. At that point, her response will tell you all you need to know about her interest since either she agrees or doesn't or suggests an alternative. If you need assurances and guarantees before you do anything in life, it's very likely going to be a flat, unfulfilled life.
  5. Be patient. For any new relationship, there is an average of a few months from the start that is a free pass until the annoying behaviors from both partners start to surface, then it gets more difficult. She's not perfect, no one is so there will be a balance. In the meantime, enjoy the time with a woman you find really attractive without all of that negative chatter in your head. As a guy, you should know that we tend to place a lot of attention on looks only, whereas women tend to put a lot more into the evaluation process than just that. So I understand your confusion. The simple explanation is that she probably has had many opportunities to date very attractive men and her experience turned out to be that they were all self-absorbed twits. She is maturing, tired of that, and has a broader definition of attractiveness than physical, or she never placed much importance on looks at any point and is aware of the obnoxious players who do just focus on her looks. This means you have a few months to pull it together before your lack of confidence starts to surface as consistent questions to her why she likes you or some version of that along with needing reassurance. That will get old fast. So how to get past this? Focus on her inner traits and the time you have together, if it continues to be compatible, that is what you want to continue and enjoy. You should become more comfortable as the relationship continues. Don't sabotage this by making a non-issue an issue.
  6. It's difficult to tell if your focus is actually more on the porn than the intimacy issues. Based on your description, you're both sexually incompatible. The rest is guesswork. As someone else said, these are the things that end up being many years of suffering through a go-through-the-motions empty marriage, but you're fortunate not to be married yet. He already has his escapism, often the other partner will find someone else to fulfill missing needs. No need to wait for that bad life dance. These are issues that don't get solved in one conversation even if you get past explaining how it was okay looking at his private search history. What often happens is one person will have makeshift promises, so maybe the sex will increase temporarily and he'll learn to delete his search history, but the behavior returns. If you really want to attempt to work on establishing both your and his concerns as well as work on them, this is something that should involve regular sessions with a relationship counselor to sort out both partners' wants and goals for this relationship to last. It may help you both work on getting on the same page, or help you both realize that you won't get there and this relationship may be heading toward needing to discontinue.
  7. Your first sentence says you have chemistry. If by the third date, someone was still regularly rolling out pics to show me for a reaction about an object or their friends or whatever, which is very irritating, my chemistry would be on the level of a bad nuclear explosion. Done. The continued flashing of the female friends to you makes it worse, that reeks of insecurity. I have a family member who does the pic showing and it never stops even with my disinterested "uh-huhs". The purpose of dating to find someone who is compatible and, while we all have annoying traits, the person needs to have at least tolerable annoying traits. The balance doesn't sound in this guy's favor. This is going to continue to grate on you. If you decide it's worth continuing, it will be a very difficult behavior project to try to have him understand to stop it without having to endure an awkward hurt feelings next couple of dates. So you probably already know the answer to this one.
  8. Let's start with a definition of creepy vs non-creepy behavior that many in the general social public may agree - creepy is sending a message such as "Hey, enjoyed how your boobs pressed against your shirt, here's my digits, lets hook up" or sending repeated messages that the person does not reciprocate. Non-creepy is letting the person know you were in a rush on the last day and regret not asking if you can stay in contact. You know how you talked with her, so keep the message in the same style and take things from there depending on how she responds. It's been a while since I left a company, but I have maintained contact with coworkers for years after. Even if you're leaving the country for a while, you enjoyed talking with this woman, so there's nothing wrong with maintaining contact. If you don't give something a chance to develop, then it won't.
  9. Since this is all speculation, the first place to start when asking whether a crush is taking life partner applications is....does his personal life indicate that he is not content? From what you've described - he does lessons, does gigs, enjoys chats, and then goes home. Nothing seems to have been said about how he goes on about, or laments about, how he thinks he would be so much happier with someone else plopping themselves into that personal free time. For example, if your perception is true, he may have felt a need to explain himself over why he wanted a low key birthday. That's on him, you didn't ask him to explain himself. However, musicians tend to be very perceptive and from your description, this guy is not wanting to share this point of his life with stoic woman or anyone else. The chats and giggles are great, who wouldn't enjoy that. But then he gets to leave and go home without being on the spot 24 hours. Not everyone wants a relationship gig for that simple reason. Nor want to start something when knowing it can't be just a fling so it will end badly. Hopefully you can find someone who shares your future relationship goals while still continuing to enjoy the value of this friendship.
×
×
  • Create New...