ignite

I’ll be 40 years old next year and I'm really starting to panic about my future as I am fast approaching middle age. Mid life crisis I guess. Recently, there have been changes in my current job which I’ve been in for 5 years now. It’s been my intention to leave this role for quite some time, more than a year infact, as it is more or less a dead end now - there is no chance of progression or promotion. It’s been about a month now since he took over and it's not going well. The issue I have is that there is quite a bit of micromanagement and him being rather stressed out and pedantic, over working and taking everything very seriously (obviously trying to make an impression) and with going back into the office half the time to do a job that I have never really enjoyed is making me rather miserable and feeling lifeless. I much prefer older bosses who are more fair and balanced and far more laid back because they get to an age where they realise there is more to life than work and getting ahead. Anyway, I can’t see this situation improving in the new year and after five years here, I feel I have done my time. I need to move on. That leads me though to the next issue – what to do next? I have already applied for a few jobs and need to keep doing so in the new year. My struggle with work and career has been an ongoing battle since my early to mid 20s and it’s only stressed me out as I’ve got older. I still have no idea what I want to do with my life and it is painful. I can’t say that I have a set career. I have a college/university BA degree which is from a good university but it wasn’t vocational. My parents always encouraged me to get qualified in something vocational throughout my 20s and early 30s but I just never knew what I wanted to do or what I wanted to be. Now regretfully, at almost 40, I wish I had specialised in something. Both my father and brother are medical doctors, so even though there was never any direct pressure from my family to follow that path, I always had that internal pressure, knowing that I had to have a profession of similar status like a banker, lawyer, pilot etc. In the end, all I’ve done is a series of casual jobs over many years, long periods out of work and just generally drifted through as time has passed by. I finally decided to commit to this current job which I’ve just talked about. It’s basically a glorified admin role but it pays well and that’s the other reason why I think I’ve simply stuck around. I am worried whether I’ll find anything with that same salary bracket. There is far more I can expand on with my situation but I can’t shake the sense of disappointment and failure when I look back on my life so far. If I had proceeded with a vocational degree of some kind, perhaps I wouldn’t be in this position. Maybe I would have attracted more women as a result having had more status and value as a man. I do have my own property which is definitely an asset especially in a big city where I live so for now at least, financially I’m doing fine. I’ve had plenty of therapy and counselling over the years but I’m still am left with this sense of panic and feeling like a loser for the lack of achievement and for my persistent singleness ( 7 ears now and counting since I last met someone who felt the same about me and vice versa).

I’m almost 40 years old now and I am hitting a real anxiety low point as I am fast approaching middle age. I am starting to panic around two central life issues – relationship/marriage and career/work. Been single for more than 6 years now. My last relationship which was only a few months I had to endure psychological abuse and in the previous one which lasted almost a year, significant gaslighting and more manipulation/abuse. Before this, when I was younger in my 20s I had a couple of relationships which were a little more positive but they didn’t work out in the end. I have phases where I go through huge disappointment and frustration but then other times where I am distracted enough to feel calmer and more in control of the situation. What does help is that I still manage to go on dates, so I am still getting matches on dating apps and through online dating and in my life, goodness knows how many dates I’ve been on. I’m not white and am bald so that does not help my case but I am 6”2, so at least that works in my favour. I’m not a bad looking guy but no question I would have more attention if I had hair. Most of these dates always go fairly well, I’ve never had a disaster or anything like that but there always seems to be something missing – either there is a lack of connection, no physical attraction or not enough in common. I guess it is difficult finding those three aspects but I’ve kept trying and will continue to do so as I keep hoping that eventually that breakthrough will come. Most instances have been where both myself and the woman I was dating/went on a date with weren't feeling it mutually so nothing further happened. A few times, I've had them interested in me but I'm not into them and only on one occasion in the recent past I would say, where I was the one who was very interested in this lady I was dating for about a month, only for her to call it off. Something is going on here, the common denominator is me afterall. Is it just not meant to be, will love/marriage/children never be a reality for me? I am willing to accept that reality but then I have this God given desire for those very things. I am starting to panic thinking about the future. The only time I find myself with a girlfriend is in my dreams, literally. For a moment overnight, I will have a dream where I will be in a relationship, connecting with a woman in that way, only to wake up and realise what is a reality for millions of everyday people, is still only a mere fantasy for me. My struggle with work and career is also starting to stress me out as I’ve got older. I can’t say that I have a set career. I have a college/university BA degree which is from a good university but it wasn’t vocational. My parents always encouraged me to get qualified in something vocational throughout my 20s and early 30s but I just never knew what I wanted to do or what I wanted to be. I still don’t to a large extent but the difference is now I realise, as a man approaching middle age, I should have specialised in something. I regret this. Both my father and brother are medical doctors so even though there was never any direct pressure from my family to follow that path, I always had that internal pressure, knowing that I had to have a profession of similar status like a banker, lawyer, pilot etc. In the end, all I’ve done a series of casual jobs over many years, long periods out of work and just generally drifted through as time has passed by. I finally decided to commit to one job, it’s like a hybrid manager role and it’s reasonably well paid job that I’ve been doing this now for more than four years but it’s more or less just glorified admin. There are some nice perks (like travel, people are nice/friendly) but it is not fulfilling or interesting to me. So I need a new opportunity but have no idea what my next step is. Is it too late to retrain and start something over, doing something completely different? I guess not but it’s far more difficult to work through. There is far more I can expand on with my situation but I can’t shake the sense of disappointment and failure when I look back on my life so far. If I had proceeded with a vocational degree of some kind, perhaps I wouldn’t be in this position. Maybe I would have attracted more women as a result having had more status and value as a man. I’m grateful that at least I do have a job (even if it’s not a career per se) when so many others don’t, and I do have my own property which is definitely an asset especially in a big city where I live. And also for now at least, financially I’m doing fine. I’ve had plenty of therapy and counselling over the years but I’m still am left with this sense of panic and feeling like a loser for the lack of achievement and for my persistent singleness.

Good question. I guess finally getting a permanent job, buying my own place (moved to a different area), meeting a few new friends but losing more (marriage, moving away etc). So the latter doesn't help because I think introductions are a great way of meeting new people. But I do less social stuff not because I don't want to but because there are a lack of opportunities. I need to get more involved with my church community and try and meet more people that way. The vast majority, infact nearly every date, every woman I've met have been through online dating, apps and so on. Not ideal but it's something.

Sorry to hear 😞I'm interested to know what you mean by not having much to offer. In what sense? As I feel somewhat the same. Not in terms of my looks or physically perhaps not rather my status and profession.

You're right and I need to check my expectations. I think it seems easy when you see others who have got there and want what you have. Don't have much choice to be honest because it is a natural desire for me to want this. Infact just been on another one and done date. I mean like you I've been on so many of these. Occasionally they might lead to more dates. But I'm more open to going on a second if there isn't anything obviously wrong or there are no obvious red flags. Then again you get a sense of the vibe when you're with that person and if you don't see it being any different, if you met Sharon then there's not too much point.

This month marks 6 years since my last proper relationship (which was only a few months anyhow). Just wondering if anyone else has been this unfortunate? 😔

I'm sorry to hear this 😞

You're right our parents married way younger and it was normal back then. Well your relationship history is more successful and fruitful than mine. When you've been single this long it's hard to really stay positive and not anxious about the future. What do you mean having an arranged marriage effectively?

You're right perhaps ending things now was going to better in the long run. Less time wasted. Even so, I really thought this was going in the right direction. I guess your brother's story encourages me to an extent. How did he feel throughout those 8 years? Did go on dates but like me could not find that connection with someone and vice versa? How did they meet? I am a Christian yes and I mostly try to meet women at church or other social events related to church and faith. Then there are the apps but I only stick to the Christian ones as I want to find someone who shares my faith. So that already makes things tricky.

Thanks for your comments. Only since the pandemic? I feel I have plenty to offer too or so I thought but it seems I can get matches, I can generate interest and attraction in women initially but then to progress to a relationship seems impossible. As I said there have been women who have been very interested in me and if I wanted to have a relationship for the sake of it that would have happened. For example, a few years I went out with a girl for a few months who I found attractive but there was no real connection and I knew that from early on but I carried on thinking that might develop. It never did. Then more recently 2 years ago I was very close with another lady who I had an amazing connection with, many similar interests but no physical attraction. Again I gave that a go for many months because I thought the physical attraction would develop but of course it never did. Deep down I knew in both cases, it was going nowhere but I wanted to try as people kept saying give this a go, you have to do things differently etc etc. So that's why this latest situation hurts. I finally met someone who I actually genuinely wanted to pursue because there was enough there for me. Sadly not for her. I think part of the healing journey you describe can work on your own but also by having more relationships it teaches you more about yourself. So I am keen to get back out there but once I try and regain some confidence and positivity.

Thanks for your comments. Disagree in that of course I am interested in women and seeking a relationship, it's been my heart's desire for a long time. But I do agree in that yes I have had this apathy and disappointment with life in general I would say. And that may well stem from the lack of romance, love and relationships. I mean if someone had only 1 lousy 3 month relationship in almost 10 years, I think that would be enough for anyone to doubt themselves and feel fed up. Maybe not, I don't know but that's been my experience - not enough positive experiences but instead a series of setbacks, disappointments and heartache. Ironically, that's why I am so cut up about this latest experience because I was genuinely feeling positive and encouraged by it. I really thought it was going in the right direction and I was finally going to have a relationship. I have seen doctors numerous times but never been diagnosed with anything clinical. I have been on meds for depression in the past but I don't think it led me to feeling or acting any different.

Some of you may be aware of this story as I have told you of my recent experience dating this lady over the last month or so. I thank you all for your time and comments and advice. Much appreciated and I thought it was time to post on here as well given the aftermath of what happened (and there were a few of you who encouraged me to do so). Without getting into the specific details, I was dating her for about a month, slightly long distance and we texted every day, quite a few lengthy phone calls and we spent two entire weekends together after a short initial meeting. Although that doesn't seem very long, we really did connect or so I thought at least, found each other attractive and so on. Last weekend which was my birthday infact I decided to spend it with her. I now realise that was a mistake as for most people your birthday can be an emotional day and spending it with someone who you don't know that well is a risk. And in this case it's a risk that didn't pay off. In brief, although there were some nice moments, I made some silly comments which did not go down well with her and as a result it led to probably killing the attraction. Some of you will know the comments that I made and many of you have said that they were not extreme. But I do think they were inappropriate despite the fact that I was joking and I apologised profusely. Regardless, she didn't feel they were right and the day after I got back from seeing her we spoke on the phone and she said she wasn't at peace and couldn't get over the comments I made and she would take some time to think it over and decide whether we could continue dating. A few days later, she texted me to say she hadn't changed her mind and wished me the best. I reiterated those comments were out of character and I hated that she was hurting from them. I wished her the best as well and that was it. This was the closest I've come now to a relationship in more than 6 years. I finally meet someone I am genuinely interested in (because that has been really difficult), have an attraction and a good connection with, only for it to end so abruptly. I genuinely thought that this could work out and I would finally have a gf after all these years, and in a way that's why I went up to see her for my birthday. I was feeling positive about the whole situation. I sometimes think maybe a relationship/marriage just isn't going to happen for me, no matter how much I want it. I know dating isn't easy and for many of you on here you will be feeling the same. I am battling against falling into self pity and a downward spiral of negativity but after 6 years, what hope is there of a breakthrough? The two previous relationships I did have at 32 (3 months) and then at 29 (1 year) were both psychologically abusive as I didn't have boundaries and I let these women take advantage of my patience and tolerance by constantly testing me, gaslighting and disrespecting me. So yeah I'm approaching the end of my 30s and I've had one pathetic relationship of 3 months. I have dated alot though in this time, we're taking tons of first dates, a few second and third dates but it doesn't generally get past that stage. Why? Because I can never find someone who I want to pursue and have a connection and vice versa. All the women that are interested in me, I'm not into and the few ones I'm into, aren't into me. This last girl who I spent the last month dating was the first girl in 6 years that I genuinely felt attracted to, connected to and wanted to pursue, hence the disappointment and sadness. There are some great women out there but I don't know how many more bad experiences and setbacks with dating I can take. I'm not perfect and I will continue to make mistakes. I just want to meet my equal. That can't be too much to ask for but it seems, as a man I sense perhaps I don't have what it takes. I'm 38 now, 6"2, sporty, have my own flat, a job that is nothing special but a comfortable salary, well travelled, fairly knowledgeable but none of this appears to be enough. I have had many years in therapy and counselling when I was younger and most recently a few years ago. I'm not sure any of it has really helped in terms of my overall progress but it helped that I had someone to talk to. Perhaps I need that again. I don't know what else to do. I continue to go on dating apps, websites, try to meet women at church and other social events but it seems super hard to have what I see as the three essential aspects - a physical attraction, an emotional connection/compatibility and enough similar interests and for me as a Christian, a fellow believer. I have gone on dates with many women who have had 2 or 3 of those key areas. This last girl I felt ticked every one. I messed up an opportunity but maybe it just wasn't meant to be.