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aloneinBK

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  1. You emailed me to send me a job opening. I know you care. I know you care so much. But I deleted it. I can't. Visions of you are torturing me and I hope they are torturing you, too. I should never have seen you after 30 days. I have to start NC all over again. It'll be 7 days after tomorrow. I don't know what point there is in going on without you. But I'm trying. I can't base the value of my life on whether you're with me or not. I have to believe that you are not the only one out there for me.
  2. I posted pics on Facebook that showed me having a good time, being brave (something you said I wasn't) and with someone we knew. A guy. You unfriended me. I guess I made you feel something, maybe even jealousy. It still hurts to see we're not friends on Facebook. I was being childish. I just deactivated my profile. I shouldn't be on social media anyway, I just keep looking at you.
  3. Baby, I miss you so much. We were having issues but they were nothing we couldn't solve without a little work. 2 years...we were so good together. I need to hold you. I don't want to sleep alone anymore, I want to be feeling your skin next to mine. I want to text you about everything and take you on adventures with me and I can't. I've been so good about not messaging you, it's 28 days now. I write things down in a journal when I want to. But even when I do crazy fun things, they're just not as much fun if I can't share them with you. Baby, you made a mistake, I want you back, I want us back. Don't give up on us. Is there even an us anymore? There isn't. It feels so final. How can love like that not go on? Of course it will. But I'm wilting without you, come back to me.
  4. I am dying inside. You loved me with absolutely all of your heart. All of it. You were completely mine, my devoted lover, my perfect match. And I squandered all of it. I pulled away because I was overwhelmed by your love. No one has ever loved me like that before and I wasn't in the right mental space to accept it and return it. This winter was so brutal. I felt so cold snd alone. I knew I was depressed. But I was too depressed to get help to fight it. I was stuck. And I took it all out on you. My anger, my sadness, my frustration. I lashed out in criticism, withdrew like a sulking child. I envisioned a cold and calculated partnership based on practicality, not the overwhelmingness of pure love. I am embarrassed and ashamed of how I acted, and all I want is to turn back time and treat you how you deserve to be treated. You are the best and I took everything for granted. I said I would change and I didn't. You hung in there. You believed in me. But you ran out of patience. How could I blame you? But just give me one more chance to make things right. I know I can.
  5. I am currently going through the worst, most heart-wrenching breakup of my life. I hoping that maybe, somewhere, there is the hope of reconciliation. I'm working hard on the issues that drove us apart: depression, anxiety, not understanding love languages. I know this will help me no matter what relationship I'm in next. But I dream so, so much of reconciling with the man I love who loved me with all of his heart--a love I couldn't fully appreciate. In the meantime, this thread has been helpful and comforting, though I shouldn't spend all this time reading it. I just wanted to add some stories to help those also feeling so, so low. 1) I dated the same guy for 5.5 years, from 18-24 years old. We broke up twice in that period and got back together each time. Now I can say that each reunion was a terrible, terrible idea, borne more of loneliness than anything else. But we did get back together! The eventual final breakup was hard but mutual. 2) I fell head-over-heels in love for a new guy shortly after. We spent 1 blissful year together then each moved to a different country. We tried to keep it going long distance but he broke up with me on Valentine's Day over Skype. I was furious. We spent the next several years being on-again, off-again, until we were finally in the same place and realized it just wasn't right anymore. But then it was much more mutual. 3) My two friends have been together for 9 years. He dumped her in college so he could sleep with one person. She was furious. They got back together and have been going strong ever since. 4) A good friend of mine had a wishy-washy boyfriend who couldn't say I love you, and then moved accross the country and broke up with her. She was devastated. They still continued to Skype every single day and she kept begging. Eventually he decided that yes, they should be together. They are still long-distance and it's rough, but they are together and trying to make it work.
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