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snoopygal

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  1. I posted here last week about my long term relationship ending and having 2 little kids. Quick run down: We were fighting almost daily and it was getting explosive in public and in front of our kids (3.5 years old and almost 3 months old). He's still getting his living situation figured out, so he's been over to spend time with the kids and to help me out. Our baby is colicky and a really difficult baby. I do need and appreciate his involvement. Ideally, he would have them with him on "his time" but the kids can't stay where he is currently because he's staying with someone who is a heavy inside smoker. He moved out, I wanted to go to counceling and work it out, he didn't. Anyway, when he comes over, I have a hard time. He decided to end the relationship and I didn't want to. When kids are involved, it's not as easy as no contact to move on. When he is here, he acts almost as if nothing happened. He acts 100% the way it was before the breakup. I told him this is difficult for me, and he said he understands, but that it's going to be weird for a while. I get that, and I know it will. We're tied together in some way for life because of the kids. I know it'll take time and be weird for a while. He also said that he's been checked out for a really long time, and that he has zero emotions toward me. (looking back, I see he was checked out. It's been a long year with pregnancy and a new baby). He was here today and was mentioning that WE should take the kids to do "A" "B" and "C" together. These are things that are local family things, like a downtown trick or treating event that we've been to before. Like, he wants to come over, we get ready and go as a family. There are a few events that he's mentioned WE should do with the kids. All go out together and have a good time. He dropped the bomb on me today, that he's been checked out. How in the world do I handle future meetings? I'm still a fool for him, and want to make this work. He's apparently been checked out since our baby was conceived. I feel like I'm stuck. I have a duty to respect myself and show a good model for my girls. He's a good dad. A terrible partner I suppose, but a great dad. How do I move on here?n How do I change things?
  2. Not being a good person to support me is a really good way of looking at it. I hadn't thought of it like that before. Even though I failed to tell him how I was struggling, he failed to be a safe place for me to do so. I really like your advice on planning an easy pick me up activity when he leaves. I think I need to think of something for my 3 year old, too. She hasn't reacted poorly to him leaving for the night yet, but I know she's confused and it makes her sad.
  3. We got pretty mean with each other and both said things that we shouldn't have. It got to a point that we had explosive arguments in public and at home in front of our kids. I know arguments are normal in couples, but it got to the point of us getting so angry and unable to put it aside to hash out at an appropriate time. I definitely agree with you about the hormones, and it has certainly gotten worse since she was born. It had been going on before that too though. I think separating for right now is the right way to go. I've been depressed for a long time, and it's gotten worse. After having kids, buying a house, financial struggles that kids have brought, I think he's been depressed too. He and I never really talked about it, but I think he is. Different than me, I would say his is more situational and mine is more clinical. He's kind of hinted at it, but more in a daycare costs a pretty penny and we can't afford to do anything anymore so it's depressing kind of way. Since we never communicated these things with each other, where the other was actually listening, we both went so long with our needs not being met. I feel like if we both got our own emotions under control then went to counseling to learn how to communicate effectively we could get back together. I had an appointment today and will start meds and plan to start counseling on my own. When the breakup had just happened I suggested counseling and trying to talk through this, but he wasn't interested at all. I would really like that, but if he's not interested then there isn't much I can do about it.
  4. I appreciate your kind words and once I get in a good headspace, I may take you up on your offer to chat!
  5. Yes, tone, putdowns, everything. For instance if he forgot to put the wet clothes into the dryer from the washer I'd fuss at him because I now have to rehash the clothes, I thought "x" would be dry and available for use, and it added something extra on my plate. On It's own, it really isn't a big deal. The laundry wasn't a hill to die on, but stuff like this from both of us constantly. Sometimes we understood the other was frustrated and other times it would escalate. This got worse with a colicky newborn. He's angry because I would fly off the handle and be mean over seemingly meaningless things. I didn't communicate my depression struggles with him like I needed to, so from his perspective I am grouchy, mean and disrespectful. Which is true, I shouldn't have treated him that way and I shouldn't have escalated arguments.
  6. Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. One thing that stood out to me was taking time with them with no distractions. I often start to do this, then get distracted with something else I need to do. It's more important than ever that they feel like they have the attention they want and need. We are able to be civil, it's just hard emotionally to be around him right now
  7. Neither of us ever felt heard, we didn't communicate well so our needs were never met. It wasn't that we'd fight about anything specific, we're both drained and little things would set us off. This would escalate most times. The breaking point was a midnight screaming match waking up our kids after about 7 or 8 other arguments in a couple weeks.
  8. Online therapy is a really good idea. I can probably find someone after the kids go to bed, that will be less overwhelming than going to an appointment when I already feel like I am loaded down.
  9. This was so nice of you to say. I need to remember this, too. I would like to try some therapy. I was going to talk to my doctor about it when I go to my appointment.
  10. I do have my parents to help, but they're older and can't often or for a longer period of time. They're in daycare while I am at work, and that is already so expensive that an evening nanny or someone to help with stuff around the house is completely out of the question financially. I don't really have an option for full time help while I seek treatment right now. I do appreciate him, and I am blessed in many ways. He might not be a good partner for me, but he is a good person and a wonderful father. It does help to look at it from that perspective, and I do think this is best, at least for right now, I'm just having trouble with seeing him all the time. One hour at a time is helpful. Even thinking about tomorrow is stressful, so just getting through the current moments makes it less overwhelming. Initially we didn't want to get married, then we talked about it and covid happened and we kind of just didn't talk about it for a while. Once that ended we got pregnant with our second and started fighting more. We'll definitely be contacting an attorney, and while I understand it is important, we agree on all financial/kid stuff so I'm not worried about that stuff as much as I am worried about taking the next steps emotionally to move on while being a good parent.
  11. I need some advice on how to heal going forward. The story: We are not married, but were in a long term relationship. We have 2 kids, 3.5 years old and almost 3 months old. We broke up Monday and he has moved out. We've been fighting constantly for quite a while. I'm mid 30's and have had depression issues for a really long time, but I managed (not well) without meds but I felt ok. It spiraled out of control while I was home on maternity leave and it is getting worse. I have an appointment to talk with a dr about that, so hopefully that'll be taken care of soon. The breakdown of the relationship falls on both of us, and I don't expect reconciliation. Maybe in the future if we both get our own trials under control, but I'm not really thinking about that yet. We can't keep fighting in front of the kids and it's draining us both, so I know this is the right move. The first day after the breakup he told me he didn't love me, the second he said that he despised me, and today he apologized and said that he still cared and wanted a friendship relationship with me for the kids. Initially, the day of the breakup, I suggested counseling before officially breaking up since kids are involved. He didn't want to, I accepted that and haven't brought it up since. I have kept every text exchange short and to the point, and only about the kids or bills. When he's said mean things, I just didn't respond. I didn't engage it at all. Today after apologizing, we had a text conversation about how exhausted and depressed I am feeling and for now, the kids are still living with me full time since he's crashing at someone else's house. I feel like I am drowning, even though he will help with the kids as much as I need. It was the first time in a really long time that we had a conversation where we both felt heard. That almost makes it harder. Feeling heard is what I've needed for so long, and it finally happened after we broke up. Until he gets his house situation figured out and we have a kid schedule in place, he will be picking them up from daycare and bringing them to our house and spending time with them until I get home. Then he will leave. If I need help in the middle of the night with our infant, he will be available to help. The problem is, I'm fine when we are around each other, but as soon as he walks out the door, I emotionally lose it. It feels like being broken up with all over again. This can't be helping my worsening depression, either and makes me feel like I need even more help with the kids because I don't have anything left to give. This isn't like other breakups where I can go NC and move on. We have kids and will obviously be in each other's lives. How do I start the healing process? How do I deal with my emotions when I see him? I know it will take time, but any advice that will help!
  12. It's still fresh. I think I might be using this a lot! I think about you all the time. I go over our 5 years in my mind detail by detail wishing things were different now.
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