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brokenwings75

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About brokenwings75

  • Birthday 11/17/1975

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  1. The bottom line is that I want both of us to be happy and I don't want either of our happiness to come at the other's expense. If someone else makes him happy, so be it. Real love, I believe, is wanting what's best for both of you, even if that means it's not each other. I know I've always really loved him. I've come to terms with the fact that he doesn't love me anymore. But when it all falls apart, love doesn't pay the bills. I'm not interested in maintaining a lifestyle that I can't afford or trying to get more than he gets or debating who is more deserving of what. It's not about materials, it's about life. It wasn't my choice to throw my life away and he didn't give me the option of trying to save it. It is what it is and I can't change that. But I can prepare for my future without him. The issue is not the support (it's just economics). The issue is not material things (they pale in comparison to the loss of my husband). The issue is not whether I loved him (I did then, I do now, I always will). The issue is MY frustration with his lack of action. It's about my frustration with him drawing everything out when he was the one who chose this path for us. I've accepted the reality that our marriage is over. Now I just want it to be legal and final.
  2. He was trying to do the good cop/bad cop thing to me, but it wasn't working and I think he just gave up. It's definitely not my style. I have an excellent attorney who does exactly what I want and doesn't try to talk me into going after anything I don't want just for the sake of doing so. Novaseeker is right, I can file the final papers in six weeks anyway. I'm giving him the option to agree right now, rather than have a settlement handed down by a judge. A clean break would be nice, DN. The issue that I have is that I shouldn't be forced to give up everything that we both worked so hard for over the past 10 years just because he decided he didn't want it anymore. You are right, though, Poco. He is playing games. That is what is so frustrating. Especially when he's the one who wanted this.
  3. I started to write a long explanation of why I need the support, but I don't think it matters. The fact is, I am legally entitled to more than I have asked for in terms of support. My attorney has advised me that if we end up battling it out in court, it is very likely that I will get what I have requested. I would prefer not to have to go to court, and I think my husband would agree. He has been adamant since the beginning of this that he wants out of this marriage as quickly as possible and that he would do anything to get out. I haven't taken advantage of that because it's not important to me to "get back" at him. I still love him and don't want to hurt him in any way, even in spite of the fact that he has purposely tried to hurt me for several months now. I just think he hasn't come to terms with his decisions and is having a difficult time taking the next step...making it permanent.
  4. I've finally accepted the reality of my situation with my husband, but it seems like he keeps dragging his feet whenever it comes time to finalize the outstanding issues that need to be resolved before we can get a divorce. It's been a while since I posted, but the long and short of it is that he abrubtly left me for another woman after six years of marriage. Because he was leaving the state, I was pretty much forced to file the divorce papers to protect myself while he was away. For months, he harassed me about getting a separation agreement together so that we only had to wait six months before we could finalize the divorce, instead of the year it would take if we couldn't come to an agreement. Two continued court dates later, he continues to put everything off. I finally gave in and, with the advice of my attorney, drew up a separation agreement. It wasn't that complicated because we don't have much to divide. He and his attorney have had the separation agreement for nearly two months now, but they claim that they have not had enough time to review it. I know my husband well enough to know that he is objecting to having to pay any kind of support and his lawyer is likely working on trying to get him to just agree to it. (His attorney has already admitted to my attorney that his case is "indefensible" and that the attorney wants to settle out of court.) He has left me in a difficult spot, so the support issue is not something I am willing or even able to compromise on. I gave him opportunity after opportunity to come to an amicable agreement with me, but he continues to spread vicious lies and rumors about me and what he's going to do to ruin my future. I have been extremely kind and reasonble with him throughout this entire experience, putting my emotions aside for the benefit of both of us. He has been cruel and cold-hearted and selfish every step of the way. Now that I am finally ready to move on with my life and have given up on the fantasy of a reconciliation, he is causing delays at every turn. It is even more difficult because he is living in another state and uses that as an excuse to draw things out even longer. We have about a month and a half before we can be legally divorced, but I'm starting to fear that this is going to take forever! I wasn't the one who wanted the divorce to start with, and I've heard rumors that his new life isn't turning out to be all he thought it would, but I don't want to be tangled up in his messes anymore. I just want to move on without all of the frustration and aggravation of dealing with his irrationality. I am so frustrated that I could just scream! Any suggestions for keeping my frustration in check while he plays games with my life?
  5. I know exactly how you feel. I feel the same way about my husband and wish so desperately that I could understand what he is doing. We both just have to wait and see what happens, I guess.
  6. Lokylom, You have to try to not let yourself feel bad for not being good enough for her, because that isn't the truth. You are good enough for her, just like she is good enough for you. But like I've said before, it's not about you. Your wife is very, very young and very likely doesn't know herself enough to know what she wants out of life. Remember that it is easier to define you as the root of the problem rather than herself. It is difficult, I know, but you have to stay focused on getting through it. You need to figure out what you can do to give her the space she needs. If you are getting mixed signals from her, you need to learn which ones to pay attention to. For example, deciding that you need to sleep in the guest room but her offering to share her bed with you - acceptance of her offer is not a good idea, no matter how much you want to be close to her. You have to stick to your guns here. She may try to pull you back when the thought of losing you scares her and push you away when she feels like she doesn't need you. Stay strong. She cannot "relearn" you when she doesn't even know who she is to start with. When she comes to you with her love and affections, gently remind her that you are giving her space and that you will be ready for those things when she is truly ready. Maybe she is constantly saying mean things to see how far she can push you before it's too far. It is the way children behave, and sometimes the way adults behave when they are giving in to childish behaviors. I think sometimes that the "leaving" person believes that it would be easier to walk away from the situation if the "loving" person suddenly hated them. It is easy to turn your back when you are hated, but hard to do it when you are loved. There is no way to automatically shut down your emotions. You just need to learn to control them, instead of allowing them to control you. It is going to be a difficult road. But sometimes loving someone as much as you seem to love your wife is worth the pain you are going through. Nobody knows how it will end, so just keep your faith. And take care of yourself, for your own sake and for your daughter. You are not alone. You have your parents and your daughter and your friends on this forum. Maybe one day you will have your wife back, although she will never again be the same person she was when you married her. Both of you will be forever changed by this experience. Every experience you have in life changes who you are; change is inevitable, but not necessarily bad. Hopefully it will be better and stronger than ever before, but you have to give her the space to grow. Don't rush her and don't push her; your patience may benefit both of you in the long run.
  7. She doesn't realize it, but she should be looking within herself to find what makes her happy. I firmly believe that people who look to others to "make" them happy are misleading themselves and that is why they never find it. It just doesn't click in some people that happiness is a choice and you are the only person that can make that choice. No one will ever be able to make her happy if she's miserable with herself. Love is also a choice and it is easier for some (you) than it is for others (your wife). You can't give love to someone else when you don't have it to give to yourself. I am going through a similar situation with my husband, except that he thinks he has found a woman that makes him happy. The key here is space. You need to give your wife the gift of self-discovery. Listen to what she says - she is still communicating with you and telling you what she needs - and look beyond the surface. There is something deeper that she is seeking and you cannot help her find it. It is something she needs to do for herself by herself. As hard as it is on you and as miserable as you feel about it, it truly is a gift that you can give her. Counseling is a great idea, but she might not feel comfortable with couples counseling just yet. Maybe she just needs someone she can talk to alone right now, someone objective who can help her find what she needs. She has told you already that you can't help her with that - it's not about you, it's about her. I know that is one of those phrases that everybody hates, but it is true. You can't "fix" her. You have to let her fall. That is probably one of the hardest things you can ever do, but if you love her, you can find the strength to let her find her way. Hang in there. Let her express herself without forcing her to hear you - she's not going to hear you right now because she needs to be selfish and focus on herself. Confide in someone you trust all of the things that you feel you need to express to her or find a way to get it out of your system that doesn't involve her. Don't bottle your emotions - you will explode. Find a release that will satisfy you emotionally for the time being. She may find her way back to you, but it is going to take more effort on your part than you feel that she is putting into it. Now is the "for worse" part. Just make sure that you are looking out for you while she is looking out for herself. This is what she is telling you she needs right now and until she does it, it is unlikely to just go away. Until she has had the chance to do what she thinks she needs to do, she will continue to feel dissatisfied and unhappy. Whatever you do during this time, make sure you stay a man that your daughter can be proud of. Be for your wife what you would want your daughter's future husband to be for your daughter. And make sure that you and your wife aren't fighting in front of your daughter, no matter her age. She doesn't need to carry your stress and your issues and the higher the tension gets, the more she will notice. Focus on your daughter and just be with her. It will be time well spent for both of you.
  8. It keeps coming back because it's unresolved. If you have a problem and it never goes away, you just haven't found the right solution yet. Once you find the right solution, you can both release the issue and it doesn't keep coming back to haunt you.
  9. I think it's all about how much you're willing to compromise with each other and still meet both of your individual needs. I think a lot of married couples have trouble learning how to compromise without feeling resentful of the compromises they've made. Nothing is impossible to change if you are both willing to make the effort. Sometimes people think they are talking about the issues that are bothering them, but really they are talking about what lies underneath those issues. Whether you remain in your relationship with your wife or someday start a new relationship with someone else, you will always have to work at being half of a couple. Love is never enough and it certainly isn't easy. We only think it's easy in the beginning because we are willing to work toward the goal of being with the other person. As time progresses and everyday life takes its toll, we begin to believe that the work is just too hard. The truth is, it was always hard but we were more forgiving of the compromises we made in the beginning. If you and your wife are having trouble communicating, a professional might help you both learn to say what you really mean and work toward a solution. A professional can help you focus on solutions (positives), rather than problems (negatives). This kind of situation is never easy, no matter how simplistic the circumstances seem. Just because your problems don't seem as complex as others' doesn't mean that they're not as important. It hurts, but you will find your way. Before you resign yourself to giving up, ask yourself if you've done everything you can to improve the situation. If you haven't, maybe it's time to find solutions that you didn't know existed. If you believe you have, then you've already made your decision.
  10. Love is work. I think we forget all of the effort we put into being in love in the beginning, all of the things we did to make that other person fall in love in the first place. We think that it's just lust and it just fades away when really we forget to keep working at it. If you've put in all of the effort you're willing to put into your relationship with your wife, then you've already made your decision. The question you have to ask yourself is whether you really put yourself into it 100% or whether you just retreated and gave up because that was easier. If you don't face that question, your own issues will continue to follow you throughout every relationship in your life and you still won't be happy. Everyone does deserve happiness, but no one is entitled to it. Happiness is hard to come by without working at it. It sounds like you have already made up your mind, so you should be honest with your wife and let her know that there is nothing she can do. That will be a difficult thing for your wife to accept, but you can't give her hope if there is none. It seems as though your wife loves you enough to change and to still want you in her life, but it doesn't do her any good to put her efforts into something she has no chance of saving. Don't let her waste any more of her time working toward something she'll never achieve if you are certain that it is over.
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