Waraqqa

It's not smth you did, but the absence of compelling reasons/needs for me to stay. I don't want to get over-invested. I don't know how to be cool and detached with you (can't shift there), and being warm and affectionate feels wrong when it's uneven and half the time met with silence or dry one-liners, - I'm letting myself down. There is no space for me to give, you don't need it. The most logical alternative is for me to mirror your ways, in which case it's anyway likely to dissipate passively, which I don't like. It's like you got my loyalty that you wanted, put it in the pocket and then quietly fade away without even a good-bye - as if I won't notice. Come on! You think I won't? You think we are still dear friends though you rejected me, hardly ever talk to me, and I feel like a beggar reaching out? I cannot have you. But at least I want to reclaim myself and go free. You can't have me this way. You can't have someone atoning for a mistakes the way I did in unimaginable ways for such a long time, then giving everything above and beyond and trying so hard to be their best, go through undescribable hell and self-annihilation to stick around, and all in vain, only to have your silence or occasional one-liners that I took like huge gifts, you never wanting me or reach out to me or for once take the first step towards me. I paid for everything, I gave so much, I've nothing else to give you.

Not thinking about him at all is nearly impossible - last 2.5 years of my life were closely intertwined, we worked together. I knew it was bad for me, it was too risky to get attached, and part of me wanted to not come to work or work somewhere else, but I couldn't, that contract was an opportunity to finance my degree, my bread and butter. And when I finally moved (few months ago), it was too late - we got reinvolved and broke up again and got me way deeper than the first time. Now it feels like those neurons that fired together wired together. I don't know how to think of one without thinking of the other. Ugh. Work/study was/is supposed to be my refuge, not a source of craziness and pain. Moreover, despite self pep-talk, I feel like there is something wrong with me, guilty, very unempowered. My identity and sense of self-worth was unreasonably tied to what he might think of me or his treatment. Partly b/c it is true in some regards. I knew we were not right for each other but gave him that second chance (got reinvolved). I broke it off very quickly afterwards (whereas after our first involvement one year prior, I blamed him for suddenly breaking up with me). Then I oscillated between apologising (felt guilty for having led him on and the reinvolvement) and telling him off (he stood me up a lot). I still hung on to our weird friendship which he said he cared for but blew me off unless he needed smth. Then I finally emailed him smth of a closure and unfriended him on social media. I feel like such an inconsequential idiot, led and swayed by all those emotions; none of which was the desire to be with him in a serious way anyways (that gut feeling). And yet I couldn't master myself. I was constantly afraid to upset him somehow; & tender memories of our first year when we were actual (and very close) friends. I just didn't want to believe the reality and see things for what they became, stuck in that old nostalgia and oscillating between melting from his charm and getting infuriated from his disregard, which went up and down like Jack the rabbit on a pogo stick, and so did self-esteem and inability to quickly decide an appropriate reaction. I wanted to project an image (and BE) both kind and confident, standing up for myself yet friendly and pleasant; but instead I look back and feels like I was a hysterical over-emotional dramatic person, a total doormat and then retroactively (too late) resentful.

I think we both enjoyed our newly re-budding friendship early that summer - I did for sure. But despite the sweetness of our interactions, I didn't feel solid. I didn't have a feeling that this guy would be there for me if anything happens, like he's got my back. I had an inkling of your flimsiness, and from previous year's experience I remembered how your warmth could quickly shift to coldness, and that scared the heck out of me. And then those instincts came true. That last date we had was such a horrible strange nonsensical experience. You made me set it up and decide time and place the evening before. Then at the last moment you told me you want a different place but wouldn't say which and asked me to decide. How weird. If you don't know what conveniences you, how am I supposed to know it for you. That was so juvenile. I told you either you tell me where the new place is or I'm going to our original one. Then of course you wouldn't show up and didn't even call, till I called you half an hour later. Then 40 mins late in total you showed, and were acting distant, not apologising or anything - you seemed like a child who knows he did smth wrong, or like a dog who ted somewhere or chewed someone's shoes, knowing he's guilty but not standing straight and owning it, nor suggesting to make it up to me somehow. When I dropped the hint of being hot and thirsty, you didn't offer to get me anything, but left it to me. We put your laptop into my backpack so we could play in the spraying fountain; I put it on my back, and you didn't offer to carry it. All of these are small things, but each was like a pin poking and they spoke volumes. This was only our second date since getting back together. How much worse would it get after? It was so drastically different from the first year when we were together. At that time, it didn't phase me that you were late or whatever - I saw love and attention in your eyes. I gave myself to you as a gift which you yearned for and appreciated. That's the only way I want to give myself to someone. It was easy to look at you with love - and you said you felt like you melted. Such a banal story. Someone loves you and is nice to you, but then cools down and doesn't give a damn about being nice anymore. I guess it is not a special story. Now that I read it, it looks banal and ordinary. I was just stupid, because I knew that ch.2 would go that way, and I still did it.

Who you could be still doesn't change who you are. Not that I know who you are anymore. I didn't know it was possible to be in love or attached to someone who you know is no good for you. I never had to deal with such contradictory feelings before: longing for you, wanting to share, but on the other hand having this weird fear and being on guard. So, I kept swinging and denying either one or the other. I didn't know what to do with both of them. I still don't. It is so twisted how we got entangled, who was leaving whom, who loved whom more, who bailed on whom. Maybe our egos were stronger than love. One of the reasons I miss you a lot is because I got so used to having your attention, but I was used to knowing you are into me, that you regretted having broken up with me the first time around. And the next year I did the same, and I miss you horribly, but I still don't think I should've stayed with you. Why do I feel guilty for having taken you back and given you that second chance? Because my heart told me not to, and by not being true to myself, I was also not true to you in that moment. I got my punishment - I got more attached to you. Both of our dating experiments were very brief, - but we lived and worked side by side for two years, and now I feel like I'm recovering from an intense two-year involvement... Of course, I miss that "friendship" or companionship much more than that weird dating we did. I just miss intensely us being around each other, the chats, the interactions. It feels strange, after two years, to go to the office in a different city, where you are not there to run into, at least for a glance or a few words between work. I thought I'd feel better being away from you; and also unfriending you on social media and so on. As time goes on, I feel worse. I anyway didn't want to marry you or even be your girlfriend - you are just not what I'm looking for, at least not long-term, despite the attraction and (however inconstant) sweetness. But I grieve and grieve and miss the connection and interactions we had. I didn't need more. That's all I wanted. And it got destroyed because of a stupid one-week dating experiment followed by fighting and useless explanations on my side while you were defensive or silent. Who cares if you treated me as a jerk. If we didn't date and just continued being "work friends", none of it would've happened. I wouldn't have gotten stood up and disregarded, and you wouldn't have been the kind of person who did those things. You were not like that with other women anyway, it was just an aberration that happened with me. True, I discovered your "nature" and that you were a lousy friend in the aftermath. But it didn't have to be discovered. It didn't even have to happen. Maybe you wouldn't even have been that kind of person, maybe this wouldn't have come out of you at all if it weren't for my misplaced actions. Though part of me wanted you to hurt me and to have you be a bad friend in the aftermath - just so that I would be able to justify having broken up with you, and soothe my guilt for that break-up. I knew that if I try to stay friends after, that you would start standing me up again, but I way underestimated the scale of it. Indeed, there are some things in our lives that we create with our own hands, whether consciously or magnetising it in unconsciously.

The funny thing is I didn't even expect or want much of you, except your presence and you actually showing up for a date. My desire was not to take - what upsets me way more is that I didn't get a proper chance to give. I wanted to do so many sweet little things for you - cook for you, give you small gifts, listen to you, dress up nicely for you, do you some kind of favours. I barely got any of that. I really want more... But you didn't give me an opportunity... You were just not there.

For the record, I am not entirely against FWB. It is the soulless part that turned me away, since you explicitly said you that now you only want something sexual-based without feelings (I read between the lines: you don't want to deal with my feelings, and you want to get away with treating me however you like); and also that if I could really trust you as a friend, and you’d be there for me, my answer would’ve been different. It's just that I don't want it with you given how you treated me. Furthermore, knowing that FWB would require meeting in person, how would that be different from dating? You ditched me and stood me up as a friend, and as a girlfriend. What would be different in the FWB setting? I know it does not matter now. But for some reason, I have this nagging thought that you think of me as a conservative girl. I feel locked into that identity box. Every time I think of sex with another man, you pop into my head. As if with you I only wanted big serious relationship, as if you were that special; but with other people I could go for less. But it's the opposite! You were not special, b/c you didn't treat me special. So you get neither my heart nor my body. So terrible that I gave you serious consideration and had those talks with you; and now an amazing man is in my life, and I have less to give to him because my soul feels half-eaten by you.

I want to add smth to my last cut-off message which was the right idea but too soft with unnecessary "good wishes" and peaceful closings you did not earn. It was your indifference that made everything one-sided: dating, friendship; and even FWB would have been the same had I agreed to it. I didn't look for long-term, or for a commitment, but for love, caring and cherishing you showed at first; affinity to infinity as you said in that poem you wrote to me in the early days when you actually chased me. I couldn't come to terms with it when it disappeared. Even a few weeks of actual love and caring would be worth it and create warm interesting memories afterwards, but you changed. Even FWB would be only when you feel like, I'd be disregarded, at the mercy of your moods and convenience; you'd continue ditching me, flaking out as you did before. You had promised that as a girlfriend you'd treat me better than you did as a friend; but then we saw that after just one date you started the flaking and ditching again. That flakiness and inconstance in your moods and the level of affection was the biggest reason I had to say no to everything and that broke all trust. Unfortunately, the right words only come to me post-factum. I really liked you and felt connected to you for a long time, hence I had frequent fear of saying smth you might not like and always either was straight and harsh and then felt terribly guilty; or too soft and then kicked myself for being such a doormat. You never had a good "moral compass" of your own of how to treat me, and just pushed as far as I had let you. And I let you too much. So, it is ultimately on me, and I am the fool who allowed it, and even in our last communication failed to be stronger and more reserved. But substantively speaking, in the end I didn't lose anything, because I didn't have it in the first place, did I? You were in love with me now and then as your convenience and mood allowed; but you never truly loved me to where you could be trusted at least as a solid friend. You'd ditch me and throw me under the bus if it was more convenient. But you lost one of the best friends you could have had.

I have been too nice to you, and it feels wrong. I remember how good you were to me at the start when we met and how neglectful and nonchalant you became later. I sometimes think that I created a Frankenstein with my excessive niceness, weakness, inability to step away and irrational fear to upset you. It is almost like I turned you into an uncaring person and a bad unreliable friend by my permissiveness and being so passive. I remember how in our fights or other interactions last year - those times that I did stand up and call you on your BS, next day I'd come to the office and see RESPECT in your eyes. I could only get that respect by standing up and being very clear about not taking your substandard treatment from you. Then after the break-up of this year, it was not as easy. I saw some of your good bits also, and continued to allow your bad treatment. The post BU friendship was such a stupid idea. I should have cut everything off, but I couldn't. The more you felt that I care, the more you sniffed my weakness, the more nonchalant and uncaring you became. I don't understand how this could be. Where is that guy from the beginning, the one who was serious, who was in love with me, who cared and wrote me a love poem? How could you turn from that sweet guy who followed me like a puppy to someone who started getting a bit over-confident and talking just about himself; and when I reacted coldly to that, break up with me? Then in the friendship treat me like some disposable buddy, cancelling at the last moment, showing up late, flaking all over the place. Later, still follow me for some time, proclaiming how you look for love rather than sex. The following year finally you got me back - crazy! - and after just one date started neglecting me again, cancelling and being massively late. Within a week, I broke it off - then you really thought you have nothing to lose. I left the door open on friendship, but of course it was a stupid idea. If any romance was off the table, why should you care about me as a friend? Somehow you suggested FWB, and for a few days were super attentive and nice to me. When I gave my answer as a vehement "no", you again dropped the nice and attentive act. It is clear now. I guess many men are like that. If sex is not even a vague hope somewhere, why try, why be nice or interested or give any attention. But I did! I was so stupid!!!!!! I can't believe how stupid and weak I was. I now hate myself. So low to have believed your stupid seductions, twice, and then be left with nothing while you walk away cool as a cucumber. Why did you chase me then? My life was so much better without you in it!