jackie103

Thank you all, this is all very insightful and eye opening. I think I have been forcing myself to be okay with the situation. I'm hurt and angry that she thinks having him still stay over and having him stay at all for a week is okay. I'm trying to see both sides, I feel her feelings towards me and our relationship is genuine and maybe she doesn't realize how crazy it is based on her previous experiences in more open relationships. I need to talk to her about the boundaries and values I have in a monogamous relationship and how I would always prioritize her feelings and insecurities and I would do this willingly, without feelings resentment or being controlled by her. If she feels like I'm constraining her or imposing rules onto her, I don't think I can continue being in this relationship. I agree the sleepover thing should've been completely off the table the second we became exclusive. I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt that she just doesn't realize some of the boundaries of a monogamous relationship as its been a while since she's been in one. We'll see how she reacts. I need to make sure explain everything in a coherent and logical way. I'm working on being a better communicator in my relationships and I find it difficult, especiallly in emotional moments where my feelings are taking over, Ito get my point across in a clear and concise manner

I am totally on the same page with both of you but this trip has already been determined for a while now - before we became exclusive. How do I navigate this? I think it's out of line to say that he needs to cancel the flight and the trip entirely?

Thanks, I completely agree. I think a big part of this issue is that they have been friends since they were 14, "best friends" in her words.... When we were discussing this issue back in February, she said that it would be crossing the line to control who she can and cannot be friends with or spend time with - which I agree with. She can be friends and hang out with whomever she wants. He's staying for a couple days so they are going to be spending a lot of alone time together, there's unfortunately no way around that. But I think it's important to let her know how I feel and how him staying over is really pushing it.

Yep, those were my same thoughts on what the huge difference would be with him staying at her place or a hotel... But we do not live together and our relationship is still so early on, along with the ending of their romantic relationship being fairly recent (when we became exclusive, which has been 1 month). I think a part of me is frustrated and resentful that she was so upset about me and my former crush, when nothing had truly happened. It seems hypocritical of her. I haven't met him yet because he lives in another state, they only meet up once a year for a week or so. I brought him up briefly last weekend just asking about the date he would be arriving, and she did say that I could meet him. I said that I didn't know and I would need to think about it. I trust her but again, the late nights alone worry me.

Thanks for the response. To be clear, I was the one who brought up him crossing boundaries when we were discussing the issue before. I had mentioned my fear of him not being respectful and trying to make a move and how I know things happen between two people when they are alone. She said that that would be cheating and that she would set a boundary if that were to actually happen. He is also aware that we are in an exclusive relationship, she's communicated that to him. But I don't know this guy and I don't know his intentions

Hi everyone, I (29f) recently got into a monogamous and exclusive relationship - we'll call her C (26f). Some background information: When C first admitted that she wanted to date me (early February), she mentioned that there is just one thing that I might not be okay with - there is a man (lets call him T) she met when they were both teens and they started out as friends first and then eventually became romantic and sexual. He is polyamorous and she is open to polyamory or monogamy. He lives in a different state and they visit each other once a year. This year, he will be visiting her in May and staying at her place. She calls him one of her best friends and that just like any best friend, even in a relationship, she would want to visit him and she would want him to visit her. I told her that I am not going to control who she is friends with but that polyamory is not for me and if we were going to work out, it would need to be monogamous. We agreed to date each other, take it slow to test the waters and see if we wanted to pursue something more serious. Mid February, I brought up my insecurities about T. She said they have been friends since they were 14 (I do not see how this is supposed to make me feel better about their relationship when the romantic and sexual boundaries have already been broken between them) and that they have good boundaries with one another. I brought up the fact that things happen when two people are alone and he may try to cross a boundary. She said if he were to cross a line, she would say something and/or kick him out and that she would do whatever to make me feel secure. After this discussion, I honestly felt good. I felt secure and trusted her wholly. After about a month of seeing each other, C asked to be in an exclusive and monogamous relationship. She said that she would tell T that she just wanted to be friends and that he would need to sleep on the couch when he was visiting. I didn't have too many negative feelings about T sleeping on the couch, I trusted her. This past week, I was telling C about an experience that happened recently with a previous crush of mine, who C had vocalized she was a little insecure about. The crush had laid her legs momentarily on me during a movie (this happened before me and C were exclusive). I didn't react to the crush's legs and I kind of just sat there and froze because I didn't know what to do. I wasn't exclusive with C, I don't actually know the crush's intention as women are usually touchy feely with other women, but I did know how C felt about her so i just chose to sit there and not react at all to the legs. C was extremely upset and jealous over this incident and said that she had wished I set some boundaries knowing how she felt about the crush. She said that due to issues in all of her previous relationships, she especially sensitive because her partners always ended up doing something with the other person she was insecure about. She wanted to feel reassured and secure and had asked that I (for the time being while she works on the insecurity and regains some trust) only hang out with the crush in a public space. I agreed as I obviously want her to feel secure in our relationship and I have no problem doing activities with crush in public spaces as we truly are just friends and have no romantic or sexual history. After this entire incident, I started feeling a lot of resentment and anger about the fact that I have to be okay with T staying over at her house. I don't know anyone in a monogamous relationship who would be okay with this. To me , it doesn't matter that they are "best friends". The emotional and sexual barrier has been crossed and the relationship dynamic will never be the same. I know that if something is going to happen between them two, it will happen regardless but I would feel much more comfortable if T found somewhere else to stay during his visit. I am fine with them spending time together but spending the night even if he is on the couch makes me extremely uncomfortable. Am I out of line for wanting this? I don't think I'm asking for too much. I want to set this boundary and obviously if she is not okay with asking him to stay somewhere else, I need to seriously re-think this relationship as it would be out of line with what I want and value. Is there a healthy way to communicate this to her without making it sound like I'm trying to enforce a rule? I'm not interested in toxic behavior or manipulation. EDIT: She did tell T that we are exclusive so he is aware of the relationship. She has said before he and her have respectful boundaries but I don't know this guy so I'm wary

It's been almost 4 weeks NC and nothing has gotten easier. I still cry everyday about her and i have ups and downs in my moods daily; sometimes i'm optimistic about getting over her and then other times i'm just miserable and sad. I have 3 tests coming up this week and am just trying to focus on studying but it's really hard. I woke up early today to go watch the sunrise. I unfollowed her on instagram, but she still follows me and likes my posts, like my sunrise post i posted this morning. Kinda just shows me that she's not too upset about things as she is able to still see and like my things. I unfollowed her because I didn't want to know what she was up to and how happy she is. I want her back so badly but i know it just won't happen. this sucks so much