ajhurst210

I'm sure you've moved on already. I'm he's asleep next to you in the bed I once slept with you in. I'm sure he's making you so much happier than I ever did and you're telling him he's saved you... like you once told me. I'm sure you'll look at this and just scoff at it and brush it off as some pathetic text from some pathetic guy from one of your past pathetic relationships. But no matter how you feel about it, no matter how you feel about me... I have to tell you something. I'm still so hauntingly deeply in love with you. I miss you every moment of every day. It still hurts every moment of every day. I still cry for you sometimes. Have you ever cried for me? For 2 and a half years I made you my everything. It's an action I cannot undo no matter how much I beg and pray for release from it. Our memories flood my mind and my soul until I feel like I'm drowning. I don't feel like I'll ever kiss someone again without tasting you. In the dark and in the quiet I'll always feel your presence. You left a hole in me. I've tried filling it with exercise. I've tried filling it with writing. I've tried filling it with drinking. With time with my family and friends. With new hobbies and interests. I've done everything I'm supposed to do. I haven't had contact with you in over 3 months now. I've burned all memory triggers of you and of us. I've fed you to the mouth of the past to get swallowed up and digested. But no matter what, nothing works. I feel empty inside. Incomplete. And on the days when the bitterness subsides and all that is left is my love for you. I find myself looking down at the pieces and not even wanting to continue to try and pick them up. Because it seems like an impossible task. I might just let them lay there and just walk through this life as a broken man. I've never been a praying man, I've always thought of it as a desperate act at a desperate time to help a person feel as if there is something more that is in control of their fate than themselves. But God give me the strength to accept what I cannot change. Give me the courage to face tomorrow. My heart is an empty concert hall now. All the seats are empty and dust has collected on the stage. But when it's quiet enough I can still hear the beautiful music in the rafters. I can still hear you...

Every day I want to pick up the phone and tell you off. Make you feel as ty and as low as I have to feel. Tell you all the things you did wrong and how you screwed up the best thing that ever happened to you. It's disgusting that I still love you. I feel filthy.

You ruined me. You ruined my life.

You talk about getting clarity like a blanket was pulled up from over your eyes and you see the world now. Like I was that blanket. Like I blinded you from reality. You talk about getting pieces of yourself back after spending 3 weeks seeing old friends and going back to church. As if I was ever a ball and chain or a leash that held you back from anything. My love never held you back from being yourself. I never held you back from anything. I was your friend and your partner. Always. I ALWAYS had your back. And I would've died for you and been loyal and committed to you until the day I die. Your talk of clarity is just you being a coward. The same coward you always were anytime you had to deal with any kind of problem or emotion. Whether your own or someone else's. I spend so much time wishing I still had you, wishing you'd come back. But he truth is... I ask myself daily if I would even want you back? Why would I want to be with someone who runs from their emotions and their problems? Whose ENORMOUS pride prevents them from taking any responsibility for their actions and words. Who can never admit to being wrong. Who can never admit to having insecurities or fears or emotions. How could I EVER be with someone that could never admit to needing someone. You think you're so much better than me. That you have your life and emotions more in check than I do. That you're more stable than I am. But you're not any better than me. You spent a lot of time kicking me down and making me feel weak and pathetic and small. And then left me like I was the one who was treating you badly. If the worst I ever did to you in three years was ask you to love me, and showed you emotions... Then I'll sleep just fine at night when I finally get to the other end of this road. But you... You'll carry it around forever. Because you're a coward. You haven't even given yourself any time to grieve or feel any emotions towards this loss. You just repressed it and moved on as quickly as possible and did what you did best, blame it all on someone else... Me. And when the day comes that you realize just how good you actually had it... Then you'll feel the gravity of what you've done and what you've thrown away. And you'll have to carry around the knowledge that you broke the heart and spirit of a man who would've remained faithful, loyal, and in love with you until the day you died. And by then, I'll have gone through the actual emotions and feelings that represent healing and moving on from loss, and I'll have gained ACTUAL clarity. So enjoy your so called new found "clarity" ... Go out and replace me as quickly as possible, repress me with brand new emotions and memories and love and sex with a new man. And when he sees through your bull and realizes just how unreachable and incapable of actual long term love you are, AND that you're still hung up on all of your exes... And he leaves you or more than likely, you leave him like the coward you are. I won't allow you to come to me for the closure you'll so deperately need.

It's Saturday and I'm getting ready to go to the movies with my friend and then figure out what the hell to do for the rest of the night. We're talking about going to the casino or to bars... He wants me to try and pick up on girls so I'll start getting over you. This is dumb. I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be back on dating sites or out at bars looking for a new girl. I HATE dating. I hate everything about it. I hate being single. I wasn't supposed to ever be doing this again. I'm almost 30 and everyone I know is either engaged, married, or has kids. And I have nothing. You were supposed to be my picket fence. I loved you so much. I still love you. I can't really even imagine myself with anyone else let alone wanting someone else. How long am I going to remain in love with you? Long long after you've moved on with another man? Which I'm sure you've done already. You're probably with him right now. He's probably telling you you're beautiful and you'll kiss him for it. And you won't even think of me ever again. And I'll still be here, with nothing... Trying to move on. Trying to occupy my time until I no longer love you anymore. It's so stupid. This was never supposed to happen. Ever. I really believed you that you wanted to marry me, that you wanted children with me, a life with me. I had accepted that as my future. And you swept that out from under me and now I'm lost. I hate you so much for that.