Radiate21

I can't stop thinking about you and all of the wonderful times we had together. Everywhere I go in the city, I am reminded of you. I cleaned out the apartment yesterday. So many trash bags full of memories. You left so many pieces of you behind. Contact lenses, yoga mat, receipt, hot sauce, sock. I wish you could see how the second bedroom finally looks. We never got around to cleaning it for the entire year, but I finally did yesterday. I did it to purify and to cleanse the space of you, but all I wanted to do when I was done was send you a photograph. I'm not sure how to reclaim this city as my own, without you being the reason I am here. Over the last 3 years, my identity became so intertwined with yours that I now feel like a skeleton of our relationship. I hate sleeping in our king sized bed with no one next to me. I turn the other way to avoid looking at the empty space you've left behind. This will be our first weekend apart, and I am distraught with thoughts of you going on dates, going out drinking with some new girl friends, flirting. I know you've already reactivated your dating app and that breaks my heart. I'm sorry I angry texted you about that. I didn't think you'd be ready for that after just 4 days apart. I hope you're not really ready for it. I know deep down that we can never be together. I know that there are small incompatibilities that we couldn't push through. I love you so much that I was willing to live in compromise for my entire life to be with you. I know that you didn't feel the same. God I miss you. I want to know how you are doing. I can't believe it's this hard and it's only been 2 days since we spoke. I love you.

before I took the new job, you promised me that you were committed to me and that you wanted me to stay in the city for at least another year to be with you. now, 3 months into my job, I feel stuck here without you because you abandoned me. why are you so wishy washy? so back and forth? why did you expect me to trust you fully the way that you trust me, when you've broken my heart countless times and come running back? why couldn't you see that healing these wounds would take time? I know that I was difficult, crazy at times, but couldn't you have dealt with it while I healed? how was I supposed to have faith in us when you've been breaking up with me sporadically for the last 3 years? why are you still messaging me on facebook and calling me "dear" but then saying that you're sure you don't want to try again with me? stop tearing me back and forth. you've broken me.