Andrina

Because I see some of you in how I was in the past--a self-sabotaging reel going on in the brain (I still have to stop myself when I catch myself starting to do this presently), I'll recommend a book that helped me. It's The Secret by Rhoda Byrne. Even if you don't believe in the law of attraction, the book also gives examples of how to change your thought process into changing those thoughts, giving them a more positive spin and calming the soul. My friend gave it to me many years ago, saying it changed her life, and I can definitely say it helped me in many ways. Take care.

To me, what you said in anger is minor. What he said is really telling of his ugly thoughts and his use of words are used to hurt in the worst, toxic way. You can do far better. If calling you names and insulting your character isn't dealbreaker activity to you, you're in for a miserable life, accepting this treatment from a man for a lifetime.

If you've never heard the term "outgrowing the relationship," learn it now because it applies to you. Even if you love him, and you were happier at the beginning of the relationship, that's all irrelevant now. Happy relationships involve a healthy balance of time apart, time together doing couple activities, time on hobbies and careers, and time with friends both together (double-dating and group friends) and apart. You neither like like the balance being unhealthy, nor think his leisure time is conducive to having a good relationship with you. Many people experience many romances before finally finding a keeper. Stop clinging to something that no longer works for you.

If you're saying this has happened 5 times in a year, I'm sure it's not that you're feeling the desire to escape every second of every day between say the 3rd incident and the 4th incident. I'm assuming you feel bad a day or two and then things fade and after another day or two, you've returned to an even and happy baseline. That's the way I look at any argument my husband and I have. I know we each won't feel the best about each other for a day or two, but I like having the faith of knowing "This too shall pass" and feel comforted by that. It's unknown which of us will offer the olive branch, and I like the fact it's never just one of us. That varies. I'd say to feel proud that each time you've felt the need to escape, you didn't. And then you were able to get past it and have good days in between. Maybe now that you've overcome the physical tendency to run, you can try faking it until you make it with overcoming the mental tendency to fantasize about leaving it all behind. How about when that happens, ask her to sit close on the couch and caress her hair? Watch a comedy together so you can laugh, which might drive away the anger? Keep trying new behaviors and activities, using them as tools until you see which tool works the best.

One of the most important relationship rules that should exist is that after there's a discussion/argument to resolve an issue, that issue shouldn't be brought up ever again, rehashing the same argument, over and over. There are two problems here. In your mind, you resolved the issue by cutting contact by getting rid of your app. To her, the issue is not resolved because she's assuming you're a liar. And then she keeps punishing you as if you're still committing a crime behind her back. When you stick around for this punishment, it's telling her your self-worth is in the gutter and she can continue on, since you're not going anywhere. IMO, you need to stop having the spine of a wet noodle. Tell her that you agreed to the boundary of no longer communicating with exes and if she doesn't believe you're honest about that, and if she ever brings up the past about that again, that you're not living like that and you two will have to go your separate ways.

The good thing is that she has a life besides dating and doesn't drop her friends to only focus on a man. The bad thing is that if she ends up speaking a lot about emotional baggage, and making you pay the crime for something past men have done, then how will she be enjoyable company? Instead of focusing solely on trying to read her behavior and what she might be feeling, focus on your own feelings because of how you're being treated. I'm not saying anybody's in the wrong or right. Examine if you're reasonable or unreasonable in your expectations. Examine if you want to follow her lead on how often to communicate and get together, and see if you become satisfied with it, or are left wanting. It sometimes takes time to smooth out the edges and see if two people will mesh, or if the edges stay scratchy and pointy and it's clear this is not a match. I know when I dated my future husband, he spoke of a past romantic interest who told him he was smothering her. She probably liked a lot of space. I, on the other hand, wanted a companion who had a lot of time for me, so we matched in the amount of time we wanted to get together from day one. My point is not to fear you're losing her because if you are, she isn't your match and this frees you to find the keeper. Remind yourself that your needs are important too, and that if you regularly feel anxious or upset, then don't hang on for dear life just because the woman is gorgeous. But as said, these are fresh beginnings so let things unspool and see if you two can find your way to building something special.

If it were me, I'd probably choose send a message, asking how her classes are going, and tell her a bit about the same on your end. See if she's open to a little bit of messaging and wait to see if she makes her own effort without you always initiating. And then if that goes well, maybe mention the time you usually go on campus to eat at a particular place and tell her it'd be great if she's ever free to join you.

Why would you even allow this, if he decided to on a whim, after he's shown you you aren't a priority? As alluded to, why haven't you already blocked and deleted him?

So you're really okay with dating someone, who it seems has been in a sexual relationship with a man for approximately a decade up until a few months ago, and he will continue to be her best friend forever? If so, well, you only have two choices: Do nothing, hope for the best, and get used to being a third wheel since it's obvious they are quite tightly woven. Or: Tell her if her relationship boundaries don't match yours, and that he doesn't stay in a hotel, and she doesn't stay in a hotel when she visits him annually, then the relationship you two have isn't a good match and wish her the best.

No, there is no controlling who another can be friends with. More accurately, you choose, that is if you want a satisfying relationship, a partner who shares the same views on friendships. I know there's no way I'd stay with a partner who told me of being in the same situation as your gf. If I'm reading this correctly, they were in an open, long distance relationship where when they'd visited each other once a year, they had sex. And being best friends, they likely communicate very regularly. I can't imagine anyone being okay with that. As for me, even if by some miracle I had proof that they would never cheat and all of a sudden had zero attraction, I still wouldn't be okay with that closeness. Be true to yourself. Nobody is worth you having a lifetime of upsets.

You really can't fully enjoy your time with him because he's self-absorbed and doesn't have interest in talking about major things in your life you expect someone wanting to get to know you better would ask. This just made me think of one particular guy I used to work with. I did not have a crush on him or anything. He was far younger, but I just noticed how adorable he was and wondered why he wasn't presently in a relationship. But when we chatted in passing, I could see that while I was speaking, even to answer a question he'd ask, his mind was focused on what he wanted to say and he would interrupt me before I finished. Not really an enjoyable experience. Everyone, of course, has limited leisure time. Since he's not someone you enjoy as much as you likely do with other friends, perhaps don't let this friendship progress. Doesn't mean you have to cut him off, but maybe not be as available in either get-togethers and find ways to limit communication.

I don't really think he cared what you thought about what he was saying, nor had any ulterior motive in saying these things. People talk about what interests them. It's on his mind, so he has diarrhea of the mouth about a subject he should know someone he's dating wouldn't enjoy hearing. Everyone notices attractive actors, but in his case, he overdoes it so that it's more like ogling. And most people enjoy sex but it's clear his view doesn't value the pros of a longterm relationship. He rather laments flings, which normally becomes shallow to most who've been there and done that. Why you enjoy someone's company like this is mind-boggling. It's like he's a piece of poo wrapped in a pretty bow. There are actually people who are as pretty on the inside as they are on the outside. Isn't that a better goal than being buddies with someone who will drop you like a hot potato as soon as he dates the next woman, dumb if she can actually stand him.

If you assumed this would forever be a platonic friend thing, would you be okay with just being friends? Or do you think your attraction to him will grow deeper with all the communication and hanging out, even if he doesn't flirt and doesn't ask you out? I don't find it odd he wants to hang out one-on-one, even if he just sees you as a friend and you two hang out in a group as well. It's a different dynamic that some do enjoy. And some men aren't curious about the name of a company and don't have interest in others vacations. If you're looking to those things to see if he has a crush or not, they are not indicators of anything. If you're enjoying time with him, then maybe have a wait-and-see attitude. Usually time reveals all. If you end up feeling used or if you see you two have different relationship goals, then by all means, you can let the friendship fade away. Do your friends in common know of his relationship history and if he's the sort to flirt, or if he's awkward in that department? That could be helpful knowledge.

My guess is that when he was nearing 30, his Mom said, "Either get a better paying job that lets you live on your own, or go to college, because you're not living here otherwise." Then he probably decided college to prolong living there. Of course, when he decided to not take the exam, it was the straw that broke the camel's back and she threw out his training equipment. Believe me, you will reach that frustrated breaking point yourself. You're placing a lot of weight on your shoulders, feeling he lacks the resiliency to handle a break up with you. He has survived living in a car. He has survived accepting handouts from his girlfriend. He survived 34 years without you. You staying out of fear for him and pitying him is doing him no favors. College is when many people meet their significant other. You'll soon be surrounded by likeminded students, getting a degree in the best interest of their chosen career and lifelong earnings. Dating gets harder after college because you're no longer surrounded by a multitude of people in various classes who are in your age group. Do not waste your best dating years being tied to someone who is not worthy of you. Go solo a while and work on your self-love so that you don't repeat this pattern of dating men you hope will improve in major ways, versus choosing someone who already presently has their stuff together in all the important ways.

You're 24 and your brain won't be fully formed into its adult state for about another year. Could be why you're referring to money as trivial, and aren't considering things he's lacking which should be must-haves in a successful, happy union. When choosing a long-term partner, it's smart to consider if a person meets all of your main needs, and if you haven't considered must-haves like a man being financially stable/having a good work ethic, and that he should be mature about keeping up with his physical and mental health. Love is never enough by itself to create a happy life with a partner. When I was young, before my brain matured, I made the same mistake you're making now. My ex-husband suffered from depression. I know exactly what it means to walk on eggshells, but you have the added worries of him going hungry, whereas you should be having the time of your life, having fun with a partner and enjoying all the benefits of that when a partner is fully, emotionally available to you in the best ways. Instead, like I did, you are bearing the brunt of someone who shouldn't be dating until he has himself sorted out financially and mentally, if that ever comes to pass, which it might not. Just like alcoholics are not supposed to enter into any new relationships, or takes on anything new like a new pet, while they are seeking sobriety. With your young age, you might not have even considered what lies ahead if you two end up sharing a home and possibly bringing children into the world. At the end of my marriage, I was frustrated that we were living paycheck to paycheck at a point well beyond when that should be happening, while I worked my butt off in overtime while he barely contributed financially. I couldn't even take one vacation per year after all my hard work. Then he veered from verbally attacking me for falsely conceived notions to isolating himself in the garage and not speaking at the dinner table. The children were also witness to him sometimes throwing something at the wall in anger. This is glimpse into your possible future with this man. How does it look to you? Divorcing my ex, finally, allowed me to choose more wisely the second time around. If you haven't told your parents exactly what's he said or that you pay for his groceries, then you know this all isn't right. I know you're a caring person, but you can't sacrifice a happy life because you feel like you're kicking a man when he's down if you break up with him. He's been like this for a long time, apparently, and your love won't save him, yet loving him as a lifetime partner will be destroying yourself.