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Andrina

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Andrina last won the day on March 21

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  1. If you dated a new guy, and kept this ex FWB as a hang-out buddy, you'd either have to hide the facts of your past with the guy (not ethical), or tell the truth and risk the new bf exiting the relationship, since he's not comfy with you hanging out with someone you once knocked boots with. If you're lonely, try making some platonic friends in the area. Many places even have ex-pat groups who get together to watch their sports teams play on TV at sports bars, etc. Even if he agreed to stay friends, his already "meh" behavior towards you predicts that when he gets a gf, he will drop you as a friend faster than you can blink an eye.
  2. The main thing you need to understand right now is that your brain won't be fully matured to its adult state until you're about 25. That's why you made the mistake of moving in with a love interest, at too young of an age, as a means of escape. Yes, you needed to escape, but it would've been better if you could've moved in with a caring relative, if one exists in your life, or even been temporarily placed in a group foster home or a foster-care situation. That would've ensured safety without moving in too soon with someone you really didn't know. For now, come up with a plan of exit that never again involves any man as a life preserver. You never again want to be dependent on anyone for a roof over your head after you get on your feet. Do you work? Are you in college? Do you have extended family you can seek for temporary shelter while giving back with housework, etc., until you can manage on your own? Good luck and let us know how it goes.
  3. Even people I've known all my life can surprise me by their behavior and things they say. Who knows what her deal is? I do have a former friend who worked in the same building but a different agency, who loved male attention and had many guys falsely thinking they had a shot with her. I'd be annoyed too. I was also annoyed on the mens' behalf on how my former friend treated them. We don't have crystal balls, so we take risks which sometimes don't pan out. The only thing to do is just what you're doing now. Dusting yourself off and planning to act as a pleasant business colleague and no more.
  4. Let's say you did become platonic friends, and then each of you got into serious relationships with others? Do you really think his gf and your bf would welcome you two hanging out when you are truthful, which you should be, that you two once hooked up? Tell him no thanks and then delete and block his number. You also don't want to start dating a guy and then your phone buzzes with texts from him that your date will raise an eyebrow at if he catches sight of it. Is being buddies with the guy worth the headache?
  5. Are you desperate? Do you feel like because of your living situation, you can't date as normal women do, and so even with all his faults, he's better than nothing? Do you have any family in the area to give you respite to do some fulfilling activities outside of the house? Sometimes there are social services who can assist in occasional care of your mother, or there are senior centers that offer some day care for the elderly, whether paid or free, so you can have some down time. Something for you to look into. As for the guy, you gave him far too many chances already. It doesn't even matter if he's seeing other women. The fact you've been intimate and have had regular communication makes it a very cruel thing just to cut himself off from you without explanation. Another reason to keep him cut off should he try to return again. The only way to get closure is to block him, stop searching for him through the window, and redirect your mind to pampering yourself and engaging in some new, interesting activities. Even if you're homebound, you could learn a new language, start writing fiction or non-fiction as a hobby. There are book discussion groups online. Look up some recipes you want to try. I've been wanting to learn how to cook my own Asian food, and just made a delicious beef and broccoli dish yesterday. You can also read books and articles on improving your self-esteem, or you will continue allowing toxic people in your life. Take care and let us know how it goes.
  6. The difference between you and a person who dates wisely is that you hang onto a guy too long when seeing you're not a priority with him, and keep getting together as "friends." By doing that, the parade of men who could be viable dating prospects are invisible to you. Whereas a wise woman cuts off the minnows quickly and dives back into search for a keeper, being proactive and putting a lot of effort into her goal. The "woe is me" mindset gets you nowhere but attracting losers. Decent men are attracted to confident women with standards who have their own fulfilling life besides being in the dating world.
  7. What I egregiously left out is that you need to do him a favor and block and delete him. If he knew you said he raped you to family members, he would not want you in his life. You also need to do the ethically right thing and tell your family you lied. You are dangerously playing with a person's life by lying about something that could derail his life in the worse way. Obviously you need to return to mental counseling because you have a lot to work on.
  8. When you've been mentally sick within the past year, apparently more than your norm, why would you think you're a good candidate for someone to date? What are you presently doing for psychiatric treatment? To address the rest of what you're saying, he believes in pre-marital sex and you don't, so why would you resume dating him when he most assuredly won't want to be celibate? Get to a stable place mentally before considering dating anyone for your own good and theirs. If you expect that to happen in mere months, that will be unrealistic. It will likely take years with the right psychiatrist and the right meds.
  9. After 10 minutes of waiting at the cafe without a phone call (everybody has cell phones and there are zero reasons he didn't update you), you should have left. Instead, you called HIM. Besides everything you're written, waiting longer than 10 minutes plus calling him when he didn't have the decency to do so himself shows your self-worth is in the gutter. He's a jerk to begin with, but your behavior showed him how ballsy he could be and invite you to a hotel since he could clearly see how lowly you think of yourself. Why on earth you even need to be on dating apps is mind-boggling at your age. Are you in any sort of trade school or college where you meeting loads of people your age. Do you work in a place where many others in your age group also work? Do you have a group of friends who regularly get together for parties and concerts, etc? My life was like that at your age, but maybe you live a more isolating life. I actually suggest you not date at all until you've learned how to practice self-love. Otherwise, you will attract and allow jerks like this to be dating prospects.
  10. We don't let children make major decisions because their brains aren't fully formed to make those decisions intelligently. Imagine speaking to your child when she's an adult, explaining to her that you stayed in a life of abuse for her sake. Do you really think she'd say, "Good call. Thank you." I actually experienced some of what you're going through in my first marriage. The first time I sat down with him when we WEREN't arguing and he knew I was serious, I said I couldn't live the rest of my life like that and wanted a divorce. He then agreed to go to the psychiatrist and got on antidepressants. Everything improved for 2 years, then he said he never meant to be on meds the rest of his life. I begged him to stay on the meds. He didn't, and became even worse. As a last straw, I suggest marital counseling since we had 2 children and I, like you, would've left sooner if it hadn't been for having a family. He did go, but with arms crossed in defiance, and would yell at me later about what I told the counselor, plus said she was on my side. We then did get a divorce, which allowed me to eventually have a 100 percent happier 2nd marriage. Before you throw in the towel, you could give an ultimatum that he see a psychiatrist plus attend counseling with you. I have a feeling it won't work, just as it didn't with my own ex, but it might make you feel more confident in your decision to end things because at least you gave it one last try. Especially because he regularly drinks alcohol, he will likely be opposed to taking antidepressants, which he won't be able to do if he's drinking. In the meantime, get all your ducks in row. If you have him as a person able to use your credit cards and bank account, remove him. Begin being more frugal, such as if you pay for cable, cut the cord. If you regularly eat out at restaurants, stop. You'll need that extra money for lawyer fees plus you'll each take a hit financially now having to have two households instead of one. Good luck and let us know how it goes.
  11. It's usually better to take a risk than not try at all. If it doesn't pan out, you at minimum gave him an ego boost and most importantly, you can emotionally move on. If it works out, your life could take on a wonderfully new direction.
  12. but afterward plan to chill and check out this (bar, cafe, restaurant) I heard is good. You interested in joining?
  13. Why do think a person's ethics could change on a dime? As Maya Angelou said, When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.
  14. So too much of your emotional energy and time is being put into action plans of involving this woman in your life and gauging when the magical moments for these things to happen. The majority of women have great intuition, can read others behavioral cues really well, and therefore she knows perfectly well you have a crush on her. So if she had a crush as well, she's ask you out instead of going on a dating site. Practice makes perfect. I'm referring to the suggestion that you now run a reel through your brain that is a mantra: She's just another co-worker. No longer make mental, future plans of gatherings you will ask her to attend. No longer look forward to talking to her more than you do other co-workers. Do not make special trips to locate her at work for chats, and cut chats short if they go on longer than you would chat with any other co-worker. Have faith that fate, your guardian angel, or whatever, has better in store for you. I, too, had a crush on a co-worker years ago and wanted him so badly. I later became friend with another woman who'd secretly dated him at that time who said he drank way too much. Their relationship ended in a bitter way, and he was actually flirting with me at the time they were dating, so it was clear he wasn't good boyfriend material. I was clueless to all of that at the time. So it's clear we can sometimes pray for something and can be disappointed it didn't work out, when all along that was for the best. It's time for you to put your time and energy into seeking other dating prospects, which won't happen when you're keeping your thoughts tethered to an unavailable co-worker. Leave friendship out of the cards as well, as any new dating prospect will sense your crush on the co-worker, and you don't want to be placed in a position of answering that question if asked. Including her as a new group member to your friendship group--not a good idea.
  15. If neither of you are practicing skills recommended by the therapist, then obviously there will be no improvement. It's sad for the children either way. When you two stay together with all this fighting, the children are living in a toxic environment. A good indicator that things should end when versus feeling a warm, fuzzy feeling, thinking of growing old with a partner, you feel like a ton of bricks is lifted from your chest when thinking of a life without her. I know that's how I thought of it when divorcing my first husband, who also suffered from depression. That decision allowed me a far better life with my second husband. Nice that you're an empathetic person and care for her family's well-being. But you can't stay just because of a feeling of guilt, sacrificing the entirety of your life to live in misery.
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