boltnrun

I agree, ultimatums not only seldom work but they disregard the other person's feelings and rights. You can't say "have sex with me or else!" Or, you could but don't expect it to be well received.

I'm glad you're doing better and things are going well for you.

I have a friend who was in a relationship with a man who actually proposed marriage. They lived together and had started planning their wedding. Well, he decided he didn't want to marry her after all and broke up with her. She was distraught and was barely functioning. She's still waiting for him to return to her and he broke up with her in 1994!! She had a mental breakdown and had to be institutionalized. She is unable to work and, sadly, never got into another relationship and never married or had children. All because she insisted on waiting for him because, she said, he had promised to marry her and she expected him to keep his promise. This is a cautionary tale. Please don't let your disappointment over the relationship not working out ruin the rest of your life like my friend did.

But they aren't going on a date. It's a get together with a group of coworkers. I would feel extremely uncomfortable if a coworker placed his hand on any part of my body or if he touched his lips while staring at my lips. Even if I had up to that point found him intriguing, that would turn me right off. Kim, I think you have the right mindset. The world won't end if a week or two goes by before you see this coworker friend again.

I know two people who met (he was visiting her area), spent an amazing two solid weeks together where they were inseparable and spending all day every day together, had an absolutely wonderful time...then he went back home and realized he was still in love with his ex (who he ended up marrying and having a family with!), so he messaged the woman he'd spent the two weeks with to say sorry. She was pretty upset about it because nothing during those two weeks indicated he was in love with anyone else. She said those two weeks were magical and she was completely blindsided. Despite exchanging messages and somehow deciding you two are in some kind of relationship, you can't possibly know for sure until you meet and spend a reasonable amount of time together.

Don't make the mistake of making your first meeting a days-long marathon date when she stays at your place or you stay at hers. Schedule it as though you two are local to one another. A marathon first meet creates a false sense of how you two would interact in an actual relationship.

You don't "owe" anyone a marriage. You do, however, owe it to her to be honest about your misgivings. Never conduct a relationship under the hopes that your partner will "change". If someone has to change who they are fundamentally to be right for you, they're wrong for you. And I don't mean they leave their dirty clothes on the floor and you want them to put them in the hamper. I mean a change in temperament, personality, finances, etc. If you have these misgivings, why do you continue to have her live with you? Is it your expectation that she should be willing to live together indefinitely without a marriage?

But @Sindy_0311, he did suggest another get together, albeit a group outing rather than a date. I would reach out to ask if the details had been set. If he's vague or noncommittal then I wouldn't ask again.

I slept last night. It was glorious. I got about 6 1/4 hours and it felt amazing. Slept through to my alarm too which is rare. It's agonizing getting through in office days when I don't sleep so this is great.

If you're wondering if she views this arrangement as a real romantic relationship, stop sending her money. See if she sticks around and keeps communicating with you.

I would not react well to having my phone snatched out of my hand either. I think you realize now that was not and is not necessary. It's usually a good idea to stop and think for a minute before acting or speaking.

She also lied about her age. These arrangements are usually more advantageous to one party than the other.

I'm tempted to show up at work tomorrow in a wife beater and pajama bottoms. And bedroom slippers.

I think it would be helpful to frame this arrangement as transactional. Everything you've written is the classic young woman overseas/financially well established older man. It's quite common. As long as you're both getting what you want, what's the harm? Leave feelings out of it.

If you truly believe that, why are you asking if you are being "played" or taken advantage of? And of course she's pleasant to be around. If she was a sourpuss you wouldn't be forthcoming with the financial support. Whose idea was it for you to start giving her money?