Jump to content

Willywagtail

Platinum Member
  • Posts

    1,338
  • Joined

Willywagtail's Achievements

Newbie

Newbie (1/14)

  • First Post
  • Collaborator
  • Posting Machine Rare
  • Week One Done
  • One Month Later

Recent Badges

1

Reputation

  1. I have read heaps of scifi and fantasy over the years. And I've studied literature and poetry. So I'm happy to provide an 'amateur review'. I like the overall introduction and the way it's leading into the full novel. However, the prose is over complicated and gets in the way of what you're trying to say. It's too dense, and some of your metaphors are incorrect. e.g. A beacon cannot be heard - it's a light, so the metaphor is confusing. Also, the plagued water creating a calming melody just doesn't work either. Again, wind which shrieks and then becomes a puppy growl doesn't work. Maybe from a shriek it could become a quiet moan - so that you're sticking to a similar metaphor. Some of your sentences could be shortened, and words such as 'has' and 'was' deleted. e.g. There was a brief moment where the moonlight finally burst through, revealing the blackened substance that had polluted the river.. If you delete the the word 'had', it becomes less clumsy. Again, in terms of using a different part of speech, perhaps the eyes, each holding a stare of hopelessness, could become 'the eyes, each staring hopelessly'. See how it reads better? I think some details could also be omitted, as it would make it more succinct and dramatic - if that is the feeling you're trying to evoke. e.g the man who was once brave and turned coward, and the recruit that rides the plumpest and slowest stated. I don't think these details add in any way to the overall tension you're trying to create in this prologue. The introduction of the horses colour is great, and it finishes off the prologue well. However, the bit about Marshmallows acrobatic dance doesn't add anything to the plot. I hope this helps!!
×
×
  • Create New...