There seems to be numerous reactions to grief - these reactions are unpredictable, and often the grievers' partner will be surprised and confused.
I found an eerily familiar description of my life right now in a novel called, The Deep End of the Ocean. Here's a section from the Publisher's Weekly review:
"When three-year-old Ben Cappadora is abducted from a crowded Chicago hotel lobby where his mother, Beth, has taken him and his two siblings for her 15th high-school reunion, Beth's slow-motion nightmare is just the beginning of nine years of anguish about his fate. Beth retreats into an emotionless, fugue-like state, in which she neglects her surviving two children-oldest child Vincent and a baby daughter, Kerry-and seals herself off from her husband, Pat, the manager of a family restaurant near their home in Madison, Wisc."
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This may be a novel, but the author obviously drew on some real-life stories of grieving when she wrote this.
We lost our 13-year-old to an accident 3 years ago (followed by a flood 4 weeks later, if you can believe that). Our relationship became immediately strained, and 5 months ago, my wife handed me divorce papers, spent 15 minutes telling our two kids (college age, one living with me and commuting) that she was leaving and would never return to the area, and moved 5 hours away with her family. She's pretty much cut off her kids since then, speaking to them only when they call her; both have felt abandoned, and are angered at her. Both kids were already traumatized by the loss of their sister. My son spoke to his mother for the first time two weeks ago; my daughter, who has just started college, has spoken to her only three times, and only once since September.
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For those asking what is normal and what to do, I don't know if there is an easy answer. Some relationships make it past a death and some don't. Some people need time to process the finality. Some people will be changed forever (every parent who loses a child will be changed forever).
Best of luck to all.
