Natmendez
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Posts
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Joined
Natmendez's Achievements
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The very beginning of day eleven... Started working out again and it's going well. Today makes 3 days. I feel I'm gaining my tenacity back. As for the NC, it's starting to become more of a normal every day thing rather than a challenge. The resentment is slowing fading as well. I miss my ex, but I only miss the person I was with before the breakup. I'm not even sure if I like the person she's become since our split. It's getting easier. Progress is progress no matter how small it may seem.
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I'm still obsessing over the fact that she's with someone else. And why it was so easy for her to just get with someone so soon ( 3 days) after we ended. We've been broken up 4 months now so the relationship she's in becomes less and less a rebound. I feel rejected. I think that's the hardest part to swallow. I don't know why care so much. I wouldn't get back with her... Maybe I would I don't know. I still love her, but have so much anger towards her at the same time.
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Almost 4 months since BU. Been doing NC of and on. My longest record was a little over three weeks. I haven't seenher in over a month, which is the longest I've not seen her. It feels strange. I still miss her like crazy and I'm still in love with her. I don't feel as low as I did 4 months ago, but I still think about her a lot. I've caught myself on the verge of tears here and there but nothing like what is was before. I guess I'm content with the way things are for the time being. I really want the feelings of resentment, unworthyness, and longing to go away.
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My ex sent me an email the other day explaining things about finances we shared. I felt like the email was irrelevant and she could have made those decisions on her own without having to send me an email. Also it hurt because I felt like my nose was being rubbed in the fact that we are no longer. I still haven't gotten over here and those weren't things I wanted to hear from her. Anyway the email came as a huge surprise since I hadn't spoken to her in over three weeks. I lost my bearings and ended up of sending her response, but the response wasn't the nicest. I said a few choice words, etc. Since that day I've become self destructive and have repeatedly made terrible choices. Sending her emails, drinking, drinking while at work, lost my job because i passed out and got caught. I was hoping that by not hearing from her for an extent of time I would be able to handle communicating with her with some composure. I just have so much resentment and I still can't accept the fact that we are over. I'm still in love with her even though she cheated on me. I guess the feeling of rejection is a hard pill to swallow.
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Well I never thought I would make it this far. And also I use to think if I ever made it this far I assumed I wouldn't care anymore. Unfortunately that's not the case. I still care and I'm still in love with her. I don't even know why. She hurt me so bad and did the one thing that I could never forgive her for doing. I'm confused at myself. Why do I so desperately want to be with this person who disregarded what we had so easily and dismissed my feelings like they were annoying gnats. I deserve better.
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Woke up this morning missing her badly. Almost on the verge of tears. I thought this was getting easier, but these past few days have been an emotional roller coaster. No matter how much I try to tell myself I'm ok and I'm better off without her I still feel so sad deep down. I'm talking to someone else right now and I'm not even excited about it. Maybe when I meet her in person things might change. The biggest challenge for me right now is dealing with being rejected and replaced with someone else. I'm still in love with my ex and it hurts so bad for it not to be reciprocated.
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Officially at the two week mark. It feels good, but bitter at the same time. I've been thinking about her a lot today. It's annoying.
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This is the longest I've gone with out talking to her. It's been a roller coaster of emotions to get to this point. I must say that I'm feeling way better than I did since the BU ( December 5th). Everything that's happened since then has been an eye opener. I have a lot of individual issues I need to sort out. I'm not completely happy with the person I am, but I'm content at the progress I've made thus far. I still feel some resentment, to a certain degree, towards my ex and that's something I really want to let go. I have moments where I want to cry and have pangs of sadness, but I just pick myself up and keep going. One thing I'm extremely greatful for is that I have no desire to communicate with her. I am cognizant that if I were to do so it would undo most of the healing progress I've accomplished. Not to mention, I am terrified of feeling the horrible feelings I experienced when she dumped me for someone else. I do not want to go through those feelings again. It's better to stay away until I'm fully healed and have no feelings for her. Even when I'm fully healed there would be no reason to talk to her anyway. I still miss her and I hope that will go away soon. She's not worth missing.
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I didn’t do anything to you bad enough to have deserved this. You probably didn’t know it, but I did hold you in high regard. You were the best girlfriend I had up to that point. Yes, I had issues, but in the end I was right about you. You’re more than capable of doing the same stuff they did. I’ll never look at you the same. I’ll never respect you. You’re integrity has all gone to . I never what to touch you or hold you again. I never want to be your friend. I never want to cook enchiladas for you. I never want make love to you. I never want to tell how beautiful you are. I never want to take a bath with you. I never want to share a life with you. I never what you to have my kids. I don’t want to love you anymore. You don’t deserve it. This is what I want to say to her. So hard not to send it.
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Talked to her for about an hour on the phone. Questioned her about everything. Of course I can't really believe anything she says so I'm left with only wondering about stuff. There was hope that one day we'd be together again, but when I found everything she has been lying about it was shot to s***. I loved her so much and was willing to go above and beyond to prove I could change and be a better person. Now I'm left feeling angry and empty. The sad part is is that I still love her and would want to be with her, but I'd never be able to look past all the lies and betrayl that shes committed. Man O man does this suck. I feel heartbroken all over again.
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Found out she has been lying to me since our BU two months ago. She slept with a coworker 2 days after we broke up and has been ever since. We tried working things out twice since the BU, but the first time I called her out on texting him so much and she didn't like that. I was being my old insecure self and she said they were just friends and nothing happened with them. Well we had a huge fight and it didn't work out. She made me feel like I was crazy and I was the one causing problems. I found out everything she had been lying to me about through iCloud. They've been having a sexual relationship rhis whole time. Also she lives with him. After our lease was up she moved in with him, but stated she slept on the couch and he was again just a friend. I feel so betrayed. I feel so hurt. I'm infuriated. How could someone who supposedly loves you did this? She made up elaborate lies to not get caught. I feel cheated and miserable.
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I had a dream about her last night. Well I guess it wasn't a dream because it was about her hooking up with other people and kicking me to the curb. I woke up feeling so hurt and meaningless. I can't stop thinking about how she's been hooking up with someone since our breakup 2 months ago. Why? How can you do that so soon? It's like I meant nothing to you. It feels like day 0.
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Still miss you and all that Other s***. Wondering if I'll ever here from you. It's 8 am and I tempted to uncork a bottle of my fancy $5 wine.
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That sounded rough man!! SMH! I hope you're really done with contacting her any further. She doesn't deserve your attention after treating you so harshly after you guys broke up. When times get tough just know that other people have been where you are. They have been able to overcome this low point in there life and so can you. There's another thread within this site about things you would say to your ex. It's a good outlet to use, so you can avoid contacting her. Keep up the no contact and do what you need to do for you. It's time to find your happiness. -N
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Thanks for the playlist. I'll give em a listen.