Tinydance

I just wanted to add that I think it's OK to change your mind about what to do in life. There are definitely plenty of people who studied a degree and didn't finish it. Also people who even got into a career and decided it wasn't for them. My belief is if you don't enjoy something, you don't have to force yourself to do it (in most cases). However you can't just say that because you changed your mind that now you have no other options and can do nothing. I sympathise with this man because he's clearly depressed and struggling. I don't feel sorry for him in terms of his life choices though. What bugs me is he seems to tell his life story like it's all someone else's fault. Specifically his parents' fault. They paid for his university degree so it's not like he has debt or had to pay off student loans. If he didn't want to be a pharmacist that's fine..But why blame his parents for it? He decided not to sit the exam so that was his choice. I don't know exactly how his mother threw out his gym equipment. But if he wasn't successful on Tik Tok or getting a job at the gym I don't think it was her fault. If he was doing really well on Tik Tok he could have afforded to move out and not live with his parents at all. And to buy new training equipment. Obviously he wasn't successful or made any money on social media. He wasn't kicked out but chose to leave and sleep in his car because he was angry at his mother. Again not the parents' fault because they didn't tell him to go and do that. It's totally fine to admit you're struggling. But blaming the way your life is turning out on family when you're in your 30's just isn't plausible. Also he doesn't come from a poor family because his parents could afford to pay for his college. They got him a degree and even if he doesn't want to use it but he was lucky. There are some people who could never afford to go to college to begin with.

Yes he is and he does need to get help of course. But it just doesn't seem that he actually wants to. OP said he becomes defensive if she brings it up and she feels she's walking on eggshells. She's being really supportive both emotionally and also financially. It doesn't sound like he's grateful which could be the depression. But that doesn't really change the fact that this relationship is very one sided. The relationship they have is that of a welfare worker and client and not of adults. And it seems he blamed his parents' divorce that he didn't become a pharmacist. The pharmacy degree was already paid by his parents and he finished it. He just needed to sit an exam which he chose not to. I don't see what this has anything to do with the divorce? Especially as he was in his 30's when they divorced. Very far from being a child. I don't really see why we should feel sorry for someone who's blaming others for their own decisions.

I'm sorry but we actually don't know what culture he comes from so that's why I wanted to clarify. I don't understand what choices he made that need to be respected? He's not wanting to actually do any work that can make money so is that respectful?

I think I just need some more background information. You live in the US, right? As you mentioned about needing to have medical insurance. We don't need it here in Australia as basically all/most medical treatment is paid by the government (Medicare) except weirdly not dental work. You mentioned you're from another background where it's customary to live with your parents until marriage. Is he also from the same background? Or is he of Western background? I just want to draw attention to what you've been saying about him, where it seems his mother/parents are being blamed for his life situation. I think you really need to see that you can't just blame his parents. Especially if he's from Western background. I don't think it's considered normal in Western culture or even many other cultures that his life was being completely dictated by his parents. Unless he's making it seem that way when that's not the full story. I don't understand how his mother can just throw out his training equipment like a treadmill or other machines because they're really heavy. It's not like she can just pick it up and throw it in the garbage. Exactly how did she "throw out" all his training equipment? I'm sorry but this story seems a bit suspicious to me. Also, if he's an experienced gym trainer then couldn't he just get a job at a gym? How is it an excuse that he doesn't have his own training equipment when gyms are always looking for trainers to work at their gym? Doesn't make sense. Also pharmacy or gym aren't the only jobs that exist. I'm sure there are many other jobs that don't require a qualification that he could apply for. Supermarket, waiter, cleaner, Uber, call centre, administration. I'm sorry but I think as Andrina said, you are not seeing things very clearly. He's struggling because for some reason he doesn't actually want to get jobs which can actually pay money and only wants to do his "dream" jobs. I'm sure everyone would love to have their dream job, for example I'd love to be a movie actress. But life is reality and if you actually want to survive and make money then you need to do what needs to be done. If the food truck isn't making money then he needs to look at something else. You can't blame his parents because at the end of the day they actually were encouraging him to make something of himself. They paid for his pharmacy degree and encouraged him to get into that profession. If he left his parents' home and slept in his car, that's what he wanted. You actually said he left by his own wishes, he wasn't kicked out. I think your boyfriend definitely needs mental health help. But HE has to get it himself. If he's just avoiding it and getting defensive when you mention it then what can you do? He's a 35-year-old man and he needs to look after his own life. If he doesn't want to be a pharmacist then he needs to think of other options. Apply to work at a gym or wherever else so he can actually afford to live and not sleep in his car. It's really not your job and not even his parents' job to sort out his life for him. He is in his MID 30's. He's not far off being 40. He's not a teenager who can't stand on his own two feet.

I'll just make these last comments. I agree with you that your partner needs to be sensitive to your needs just in the sense that they are mindful. Let's say I'm scared of spiders and a documentary comes on about spiders and my partner keeps watching it on front of me. They should probably turn it off and not continue to watch. So I see what you were saying that he sent you the ad about escorts. But you said yourself just now that you have past traumas that make you overreact to small things. In that sense your partner doesn't need to keep "accommodating" (your phrase) you to always fall in line so things they do don't trigger you. For example if he was invited to a good friend's trip to Vegas for the bachelor party, that's not just him going out alone but it's for the special occasion. He doesn't have to always reassure you: "Don't worry darling, I'm not going to sleep with hookers there." And if his friends are single then he doesn't need to be like: "Don't worry, they're single but they're not a bad influence on me." You already had beliefs about him/men it seems like and it's not his job to keep proving himself and disproving these beliefs. For example, you said you were sick and he came over, gave presents and snuggled you all night. But you just said it's love bombing. Doesn't seem to me that in your eyes he can do anything right in any case. He doesn't have to be like: "Oh I wasn't love bombing, I genuinely want to take care of you." This is so tiring to keep doing this and I got exhausted even just having these conversations with you again and again. I don't discount your traumas at all or what you've been through. But this guy wasn't part of it and you're placing it all on him. Doesn't seem he had a chance to begin with because you're looking for proof that he's an untrustworthy person, cheater and liar. You can't keep playing your trauma card because your boyfriend isn't your therapist. The way you've been talking is that he owes it to you to make sure you are comfortable and don't feel/think he's cheating or doing something wrong just by existing. This is not his job. A relationship with someone like this would be very high maintenance. And you got angry at me for saying exactly the same things you said yourself. You say he's defensive bit you are defensive and disagreeable to the 100th degree.

I just don't understand why when I was trying to say basically the same thing you just said, you got angry at me? Only you are allowed to say it but not anyone else?

I don't understand though why you're just giving "clues" about your age or why you didn't want to answer simple questions like "How long have you been together?" You asked for advice but then you made it very clear that you won't be responding to particular questions because...why, you just don't feel like it? I think the question of how long you had been together was really important to be able to understand what kind of advice to give. For example, if you'd been together for two years is very different if you'd been together for two months. If you have a bad feeling about this guy, it's YOUR feeling so you're allowed not to be with him. I just find a lot of comments you made where you seem very dead set on viewing everything through the lens that someone is a cheater, abuser and liar. And attempts made by me to suggest anything else has been responded to with yes, snark as Jaunty said. And there's something about the way you keep responding and rationalising is exhausting. You just keep going around and around in circles. And you do think you're right so I don't really see why you actually ask for advice. If you're right just do what you want.

I don't know whether it's legitimate or not but you are allowed to ask. Unless you just want to end the relationship anyway so you don't see the need to ask. I think being in a relationship means you should be able to ask things that are on your mind. There is actually a difference between asking and accusing. You could simply say you found the receipt and were curious. You don't need to say it's because you suspect him of cheating. I actually don't agree that he is cheating *necessarily*. I just don’t believe in blaming people unless you did find clear signs. You did find a clear sign that he sent you the escort ad so yes he's guilty of that. If it seems like I'm defending him it's because he may not actually be cheating, but yet is being suspected of it. I don't like it when people are just pigeon holed based on previous prejudices. And some people have very black and white views like: "This person had a one night stand once so they'll cheat". Everyone is an individual so one person could go to Vegas and cheat and one could go and not do that. If you want to dump him because he triggers you then you are absolutely free to do so. However simply seeing the tampon receipt isn't a trigger to everyone. It's your life so you could break up with him for any reason you want. But since you don't actually have clear proof that he did cheat, at this point it's just an assumption. There could be something behind it or not but you have no idea. For example I could see a text from a woman on my partner's phone saying: "See you tonight". I could assume he's going to a hotel to have sex with her but really he could be going to a work party with fifty colleagues and she's one of the colleagues. Just because you think something in your mind doesn't always make it a reality.

Look I really hope you are recovering in therapy and you find what you are looking for. Although I agree that the way your boyfriend behaved in Vegas was bad and very thoughtless, I get a strong sense you don't even like him to begin with. You speak basically only badly of him and you called the sweet things he supposedly does "love bombing". He doesn't seem to suit you or what you prefer in a partner. You said you have a problem with him having his single friends and suspect they're a bad influence on him. I think in all fairness unless you met them, you don't know how they are. You don't know if they even used escorts or maybe they were just drinking at a casino. Lots and lots of assumptions and projections only based on your past experiences. I was actually engaged to someone with severe mental health issues and he was very self focused due to this. He got anxious in crowds and if we happened to be in a crowd, he yelled at me like it was my fault. He was anxious about calling on the phone so he asked me to make all his calls for him. Basically he said I had to "adapt" to the fact that he had mental health struggles and live accordingly to ease them for him. You probably don't see it but I was absolutely exhausted.

Your communication isn't very good. You expect him to read your mind and know how to "navigate" your traumas but you haven't even told him how! How can he know. And he has no idea you're upset about the tampon receipt because you haven't/don't want to talk to him about it. You have some very deep issues but he's not automatically going to know how to handle it. He needs you to let him know what you need. But he doesn't need to prove himself to you that he's not an abuser. Why should he do that when in a relationship you can just be yourself and not be suspected all the time.

I'm making a point because you keep talking about your ex and then about this guy like they're the same person or something. Just because your ex did those things doesn't mean this guy is too. You can't suspect him every time he does anything like hang out with a single friend. For example my female bestie friend who is married just went on a holiday to a beach resort with a single attractive female friend. Her husband seemed fine with it because I guess he trusts her. I understand you have trauma and of course he can't just disrespect what you asked him to do. But it's almost like you already didn't even trust him to begin with due to your past experience. So you started looking for evidence and when you found some you're like: "Look I found it and I proved it." This relationship isn't only about you so he doesn't just have to bend over backwards to prove he's not going to hit you and cheat with escorts. Like most women trust their partner as a baseline. So their partner doesn't have ti constantly keep proving anything. You keep talking about your trauma like it's this guy's fault and it's fine for you to be suspicious of him. He didn't have anything to do with it so why does he have to pay for it? I know you don't agree with me but it's very clear you are massively projecting onto him. He doesn't have to keep reassuring you: "Don't worry I really am walking in the park and not sleeping with a prostitute." It's exhausting.

I know it's not the same and probably a very different situation from your case OP. My sister-in-law is really horrible. She's a huge narcissist, extremely selfish and self absorbed. She treats everyone very rudely and she has zero self awareness. She had a 30th Birthday party and there were no friends there whatsoever because she doesn't actually have any. It was only family there. When I first met her, she seemed to get kind of obsessed with me or something. She was texting me all day every day, calling me nearly every day. She said she wanted to catch up a couple of times a week. But yet she would always criticise me and micro manage everything I was doing. She was actually pushing me to catch up. She'd ask me if I was free and if I said no, she just kept asking and asking. I eventually had to tell her she was really smothering me. She seemed confused and was like: "I don't get it, we are family and it's normal to be close to your family." I'm not sure if it's because of her but it actually bothers me when people think that you're obligated to be close to family members. Like, I'm only associating with her because I absolutely have to. And because she's the one contacting me. I understand in your case it's completely different because you actually sound nice and caring. So your cousin probably has no good reason not to like you or pull away from you. I'm sure you've done nothing wrong at all. I do think your cousin's comments were rude and insensitive, especially about your dog. However I don't necessarily agree that she's horrible just because she's not close with you. You were nice and said she can contact you anytime. But for whatever reason she just doesn't seem to be feeling close to you. Maybe she's changed while she was living away. She may be talking more to friends who have kids too because she's a single mother so needs people to relate to. It's not an excuse to be cold or unfriendly but I don't see why it makes her awful because she's not hanging out with you. I had actually posted on another forum about my sister-in-law. Some people were like: "I feel really bad for her because she's lonely and she's just reaching out to you. Can't you just be nice and hang out with her." That actually made me angry! I don't feel like there's an obligation to be her friend just because we're related when I actually don't want to. But I realise it's not the same situation.

Well I did Google before how to discuss difficult topics with people and the advice is to make "I" statements. Like, "I felt hurt because XYZ". You can be honest about why it's triggering to you to hear about escorts. It's no different to saying: "I'm scared of spiders". You're talking about your feelings and experiences. I want to add also I'm sorry if I invalidated your feelings about him sending you the escort ad. I haven't gone through what you've gone through so I can't relate to it personally and probably didn't put myself in your shoes. But the thing is, this guy isn't the ex you are talking about. He's a different person. Does he go to Vegas, bars, etc. a lot? Or did he only go for the bachelor party? I know you mentioned he's going to Japan with a single friend but I wouldn't immediately jump to that he's going to go to strippers and so on. He could just be site seeing. The only point I'm trying to make is that he isn't the other people who hurt you. Try to look at him as a separate person. If he's done something bad then by all means you can hold him accountable for it. But if he hasn't cheated or abused you then he's not identical to your ex. If you do prefer a guy who wouldn't go to Vegas then that's fair enough. I understand he sent you that insensitive joke. I wouldn't automatically jump to that he actually would use an escort or that he would cheat. I'm not sure when he booked that trip to Japan. You're saying you've been together a few months so to be honest he's probably allowed to go on a holiday with a friend. I understand his friends are single but he can't help that. And maybe one day they won't be single. Again I literally don't know him so I have no grounds to say if he's a good or bad guy. I'm simply saying try to not see him as your ex because he isn't. He's someone else. And view him as what HE is actually doing, not what your ex did. If he hasn't cheated then that's the reality. I'm not using a misandersist card. I'm saying this is a person you're dating and you should be viewing him as that person. Also you don't even really know if even his friends got escorts because he sent you an ad. He didn't actually say: "My friends hired escorts". I'm simply saying use facts and not your own assumptions.

I think it's totally fine to be honest though. Just let him know how you felt when he sent you the escort ad and why you felt that way. I see no problem with asking why he had the receipt for tampons. Just say you accidentally saw it in the car and just curious. I mean if it's meant to be a relationship shouldn't you be able to just ask him that simple question? It's the same as asking why he bought anything. I think if you're considering to continue the relationship, you need to really be honest and talk everything out. If you don't say anything then he just won't know. If you're thinking to give him another chance then I think you really need to let him have a chance. Like, be clear in what way he upset you so he has opportunity not to do it again. I think sometimes people just genuinely don't know that they were an idiot. I mean, he could be a thick skinned brutish guy. That also could be who he is. I think it's important for you to really think about if you can see a future with him. If he's just not the kind of guy you want then it's not likely to change because he won't change.

Yes I understand what you're saying, this can be separate from the fact that he's cheating because maybe he's not cheating. But I don't actually know so obviously I can't say either way if he I or isn't. I think after reading the situation it doesn't seem to me that you're particularly close with him or that he understands you. This isn't actually supposed to be a dig but to me it seems that for some reason you don't feel comfortable to ask him about that receipt. I would feel totally fine to ask and literally just ask:"Just curious why did you buy tampons?" It seems there's some kind of disconnect between the two of you and he just makes you feel uncomfortable in general. You don't feel like you can talk to him, which is really important in a relationship.