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Tinydance

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Tinydance last won the day on December 15 2023

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  1. I think that while you not turning up for Christmas was pretty bad, your daughter has actually overreacted. If you've been apologising and trying to contact her a lot, she could move on and forgive you. I did read another comment you wrote that your daughter always had difficult behaviours or something like that. But the part I seem to have missed is why do you need Joe to go with you? You can't just go places alone?
  2. Your friend sounds very co-dependent but the problem is, you have actually been contributing to that. You've been enabling her by taking care of her, her dog, doing all the chores and cooking, etc. She's not your child or even relative so you shouldn't have been doing any of that. In fact when I lived with roommates, we only cooked our own food and that's it. You have no obligation at all to cook for a housemate. You really should have been more firm and told her to do everything herself, or asked her to move out, or moved yourself. I understand she's your friend but that doesn't mean you have to act like her mother. This is actually a sure way to lose the friendship because it builds resentment and makes things worse. I think you're too involved in your friend's life way above and beyond what a normal friend would be. She's nearly 30 years old and this is her life. I don't really understand why you're asking what to do about her pregnancy or how she will care for the baby because this doesn't relate to you. She's a grown woman and she's decided to keep the baby. The boyfriend is still with her and wants to have the baby. It's not for you to worry about how they're going to raise the baby because it's not your child or family. Like, it's not your niece or nephew so you actually don't need to be involved with this at all. If you see something like abuse or neglect of some kind, then you could call social services or child protection out of concern. But otherwise it's not your job to be worrying about where your friend will live or how she'll raise the baby, etc. You are actually moving out so really your involvement with any of this can just stop. Live your life and she will live hers. Maybe she make bad choices but it's her choices and you don't need to get involved or do anything l.
  3. I'm not trying to start any fight and no problem if we disagree but I have a bit of issue with this comment. There are some things in regards to parents which I think are not that big a deal and no harm done. I hate parents or in-laws who don't respect privacy or your space but asking for a flight number doesn't actually interfere with anything. My Mum is very attached to me because she had many miscarriages and a stillborn baby and I was the only one that survived. She has always asked me to send her flight numbers and accommodation details ONLY in the case that I begin to not respond to any messages or calls or my phone ia dead or something. She never called the airline or hotel or anything like that at all because the information was only in case of en emergency. I understand about clingy parents but there's a difference between clingy parents and CARING parents. Here there is a huge deal being made out of nothing. Knowing the flight number doesn't mean the parents will call the airline or randomly turn up at the airport to say goodbye. Them knowing the flight number has literally zero effect on anything. If someone got murdered or robbed and cell phone stolen, they will not be answering the phone. Their loved ones will go crazy with worry and in that case they can call the hotel or whatever. It's literally just for peace of mind. Same thing with the guest list. The mother asked was their relative invited as he never received any invitation. The person actually DID NOT receive the invitation, it got lost. I think it's really stupid to act like some kind of control freak and be like: "No you're not allowed to know if we invited Uncle Bob, only my fiancee and I can know. You will only find out at the wedding if we invited him." Like, it's some kind of crime to ask and especially if the relative didn't receive the invitation so the question was really valid. My sister-in-law is a massive control freak and narcissist. She basically doesn't allow anyone to do anything unless SHE gives them permission to do it. Even when she was having her second baby, she posted rules in the family whatsapp chat. She literally wrote: Here are my rules and listed by number like rule 1, 2, 3, 4, etc. The rules were: "You're not allowed to contact me, I'll contact you." You're not allowed to see the baby until my daughter has met her brother. You're not allowed to message me after 8:00 p.m. And was like: "You must respect my rules." She does this with everything and there's no good reason why. For example one time she had bad morning sickness and my mother-in-law mentioned to other family she was unwell. She cracked it and was like: "You can't tell people I'm unwell, only I can tell them!" Like it literally gets to the point that nobody is allowed to say or do anything. I actually feel really anxious around her because I always feel like she's going to pick on something I said or did. Typical abuser behaviour.
  4. Well to be honest I don't really get the having a problem with your partner seeing a family member once a week or having a family get together once a week. I was very surprised when someone said that OP's dating pool would be smaller because he sees family once a week. Seems a bit bizarre. I guess if we think about your relationship as that union and then you have "free time" outside that union. So that means your own time that’s not you going to work or spending time with your partner. Unless it impacts someone in a negative way then I think their partner should be able to spend their free time as they like. Some people play golf, have a girls' night out, boys' night out, play bridge, anything they like. To me seeing your parent(s) once a week is what you choose to do with your free time and that is your choice. If it's organised in advance and not just last second or in favour of other plans then to me it doesn't seem it would interfere with the relationship. If OP's fiancee has a problem with this then it seems it's more out of jealousy or possessiveness. I mean, this is his mother, it's not some other woman. If OP's fiancee wants to catch up with a girl friend once a week and he stopped her then people would think he's a jerk right?
  5. I don't really see how it's a problem to meet your family only once a week for a meal? I've had partners where every Thursday was "family night" at the pub but I was invited to it as well. I usually saw my Mum once a week and no person I dated had any problem with it. I just don’t really get it that it's meant to be bad to actually have a relationship with your family as opposed to be distant to them. Like I thought if you're close to your family it's even a sign you know how to build closeness with your own kids? I mean if for whatever reason people don't like their in-laws, that's fine. They can keep their distance if they're not their favourite people. But I don't think it means their partner can't see their parents once a week or once a fortnight or something. Like, if someone has a best friend and once a week they catch up for "girly dinner" then why is someone not allowed to meet their mother for a coffee or something? I genuinely don't get this. There are people who are close to their parents and people who aren't. I don't think it's right or wrong but it just IS. For example my best friend is close to her Dad and sometimes she'd go to the movies or meal with her Dad. But I basically had no relationship with my Dad so I never did that. Doesn't mean someone is doing something wrong but it's just relationship dynamics. If someone isn't a family person or not close to family that's fine. But you can't blame someone else if they are. If we're talking about boundaries they have to be "normal" or what is considered normal in that society. So you could say that the mother-in-law can't just show up. But you can't say you can't have a relationship with your mother or they're not allowed to get dinner together.
  6. Only child here with barely any family so I totally relate to you and totally get it how your family dynamics are. I seem to have missed the part where she threw and smashed a glass at you. It doesn't matter about literally anything else you wrote. Violence and aggression is NOT OK! Even if she was drunk or something - so what! Many people drink and they don't break objects or furniture or physically hurt anyone. This is abuse. I think in a relationship what's really important is empathy and compromise. Everyone's life is different and we all grew up differently so it's important to understand how your partner was brought up and what family means to them. For example in my case, I moved to Australia from another country as a child with only my mother and father. But my father never took hardly any interest in me and we weren't close at all. However my Mum was always there for me unconditionally and though she's overprotective but I'm really close with her. Even overseas we have like two family members and that's all. My Dad recently died and my Mum was with him for 43 years. She has only a small handful of friends and no other kids or family. I catch up with her once a week and that is a regular thing that I always intend to do if I can. She has nobody but me really and that's a fact. If she had a huge amount of friends, other family members and other kids then maybe I'd only catch up with her once a fortnight or something. So the my partner has to get this or I simply can't be with them because I WILL NOT abandon my mother. I think there are healthy and unhealthy ways to be close to your family and in all honesty yours sounds fine. If you still lived with your parents and went out for dinner with them every night or something that's too much. But if you're an only child and you're really close then catching up once a week or messaging every day or every couple of days is fine. Putting your mother before your fiancee would be if you have a date planned and all of a sudden your mother called and you're changing your plans to going for dinner with your mother. Simply making plans with your mother in advance once a week or fortnight isn't putting her above your partner. You are allowed to catch up with your family or friends sometimes too. I also hate it when people just show up unannounced. But if your mother has been asked to respect this boundary and she actually is respecting it, then the issue was resolved. Yes your parents are allowed to ask about invitations if it's a relative, e.g. their brother or sister, hence your Aunt or Uncle. Your fiancee if I'll be honest sounds very controlling and narcissistic. It seems she wants to he the one in control of everything and to the extent that it's not normal. It's actually your wedding as well so why is she running the whole show? To be honest she sounds like what you'd call an abuser who is trying to isolate you from loved ones for no actual reason.
  7. I was just thinking of a practical solution that's all. If she's happy in this apartment and doesn't want to pay removalists then she could just pay him the money or straight to the real estate agent or landlord or what not. I feel like you're being very technical and matter of fact buy why? Like if I had a housemate and we had a massive fight and they moved out and we were just waiting for the lease to end. If they're still on the lease of course legally it's their place as well but if they come there "just because" what is the purpose?
  8. How much time is left on the lease of the apartment? My advice would be to pay some of the rent yourself until then and say to your ex that he can't come over. If he's taking time and space to himself then he needs to stay away. If he wants to move back in and be a couple he can but not until then. I think it's important to have some boundaries.
  9. Yes some mothers can be really nasty. I joined some Facebook mothers groups and some women there were just super catty. But some people will be kind and open their arms to you. End of the day who cares what people think as long as you're not hurting anyone else. It's your life and if you have financial and physical means (e.g. you're not physically disabled) to provide for your child and your child is happy then what effect does it have on other people? If none then don't worry what they think as it's not interfering with their life or hurting them in any way.
  10. This is what I was trying to say but I'll keep it to myself as instructed lol
  11. I understand you feel passionately about this subject and I'm sorry, I didn't know you volunteered at Planned Parenthood. I could be wrong. But just to me the fact that you continue to respond with advice about contraception and relation to teenagers, young women is a bit irrelevant in this particular case. The post was not asking for any advice about contraception or horror stories of abortion or babies living in poverty or I'm not sure what you were referring to that you've seen at Planned Parenthood. OP was just writing her own story and I personally didn't really see that she said not using contraception is good or that it's a great idea or anything along those lines. She was telling what happened in HER life and that was what happened. You changed the direction of the post and discussion to having responsibility to give the right message to young people about safe sex. OP or anyone else posting here doesn't actually have that responsibility. People here are telling their story and unless they're like: "Oh why use condoms, who needs them" they are not obligated to take some kind of moral ground and be a role model. To me what comes across is basically lecturing the person for writing about their situation or their issues. Like if someone was writing that they have anorexia and they haven't eaten for a week and happy they lost weight. You can't say: "Oh don't talk like that because there are young girls reading this forum and they can't think that starving is good." To me this is the way you were coming across. This person is writing about THEM and their struggles and it's not their job or yours to get fixated on who is reading it and what impression they're going to get. If you actually were at Planned Parenthood or at a school then that's different but this is an online forum.
  12. Yes I understand what you're saying. I did know the jist of the situation about loans in the US. But I imagine also if a family is poor then the child would need to pay off their loans by getting a job and so on. I don't think you can just automatically say the parent HAS to pay for college. Maybe they don't actually have the means to do this. Also to me it seems back in the day it was customary to have a lot of kids, even if you weren't well off. But now for some reason if someone has five kids, it's like: "Ooohhh what a horndog." Just because someone isn't opposed to have kids doesn't make them good or bad.
  13. OP is 28, you are not her mother. I don't think she needs a lecture about "the birds and the bees". I think what you're saying doesn't really make sense. Anyone here posts whatever they want. They are not a teacher or some kind of young mentor or whatever. If someone here wrote they had a threesome (which they do), would you say "oh you're not allowed to write that here because there's 13-year-olds here". Unless you're working for a family planning service and people came to you as a client themselves, why is it your job to be educating people on contraception? And why is it not people's own responsibility to learn about contraception or their school or parents to teach about it? But the responsibility of someone on a forum? Like if someone got pregnant and they were like: "Mum, Dad, I got pregnant because I read a post on Reddit how someone had unprotected sex. So it's not my fault you see, it's the person's on Reddit." Makes no sense. OP has no responsibility to sensor how she talks for the benefit of anyone else. If you want to educate people on contraception, I'm sure there is work available in family planning services.
  14. It's every person's, especially adults' own responsibility to take charge of their own contraception. OP isn't some sort of celebrity and "role model" to other people. You keep saying "young women reading her post" - she is 28. She's nearly 30. There are plenty of people who get pregnant by accident. E.g. My friend knows a woman who is 43 who got pregnant by accident. Please don't disguise your own prejudice as trying to give some kind of contraception lesson.
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