saku
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someone else wrote this...but i don't really know the meaning because i;m not good at understanding poems. can anyone tell me what it might mean? Rampage I walk down up an endless maze straight through the door that was meant for me to close. I'm told to open it but I can't hear them because the door is closed. So when I keep walkin, don't stop me, because then, I will close you.
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no i have no right to join the "disappeared". but since we are talking about doing something aout our lives, i figure taking myself out of the equation since i am such a burden would be doing something. and yeah suicide isn't a good thing....but evil?
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why do people keep suggesting to move away? i mean i guess it were possible if i had the proper resources but even then that takes planning. that's like telling a homeless person that they're going to have free hamburger day three months in advance.
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yeah well i want closure to but apparently when i say that, i'm only thinking of me me me. so what am are people going through suicide supposed to do? think about everyone elses' feelings at the expense of their own?
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is that so fuglet? most people only think of themselves when they want to die? well i can assure you when i end my life, i'm going to go far far away where i won't burden anyone . what i mean is, i'm not going to kill myself where my family will find my body. in fact they will never know because i don't think i'm goig to tell them. by not telling them, there won't be a funeral. no funeral means no one has to be burdened with the cost. and before i die, i'm going to give my grandmother my kidney. so while i can;t speak for others, i'm not just thinking about my own feelings. if anything the people in my life who talk about "caring" and "God" are the ones who are into themselves.
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well thanks for those words. i'm trying to keep my heart open to them as best as possible, but i have to also consider everything that has happened that hurts. this is probably a stupid example but what if you walked into a bank and the teller immediatley sounded the alarm the moment you walk in there? i mean you weren't dong anything wrong, but the teller just decided to overeact based on her fears and feelings. well i feel like that person walking into that bank right now and before i can express my feelings, the people in my life go right for that alarm. everyone keeps telling me to "get out of myself" but in fairness, the others in my life should do the same. no, i can't make them of course, but that's why i've turned to suicide. if it's alright for people to hurt me in an unfair manner, then maybe it's okay for me to end my life. sure i have that "choice", but i guess i can't help but think about the moral part in all of this.
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well...i have only 38 dollars. kind of need this money for food you see. so vacation isn't possible. but i do get what you're saying and all. i mean if i had the money, i would make an attempt to get away. by the way, something has been bugging me for sometime....where does cyanide come from? i'm not asking so much to get some as i have always wondered its origins.
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maybe....too bad i can't really go anywhere right now. thanks for the advice, sorry though.
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i guess i can say one thing that has hurt me is that a really nice and christian person hates me and while this is that person's choice is seems to be based on miscommunication and having a closed heart. i can think outside the bloody box all day, but alot of people in my life still only see the negative in me. some say it doesn't matter what other people think or say and that may be true, but i don't live in this world alone...well i guess i kind of do now.
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i won't be leaving any shattered hearts because as i said no one really cares. yeah see that's why i can end my life. see i'm a burden now while i'm alive. when i die, i won't be a burden anymore.
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I am going to end my life...and really there isn't much turning back. I have sought out help only to have people turn their backs on me. i went a church for help, but they just belittled my problems. i went to a therpist and all she really did was treat me like a number. i was sent to the hospital after trying to end my life and basically it was nothing more than a kennel for humans. and my family doesn't care either. i mean i know they mean well, but they could care less about me right now. for awhile a counselor at school cared, but then he turned his back on me when things started to get worse. and then there is God...i know i will offend christians by saying this, but i hate God very much right now. people can say that's wrong, but what's wrong is that i tried to seek help and i of course tried to help myself, but it didn't matter at all. am i wrong to cry out for help? i'm going to donate some money to different charities....it won't be much and i'm not doing it for recognition, it just feels right. then i'm going to get tested to donate my kidney to my granmother. she sees me as a burden as i need her help often, so this is the only way i can really repay her. after all of this, i'm leaving to go out west to maybe arizona or nevada where the desert is. then i'm ending my life. i know alot of people come on to this site. i read the things others go through and i wish so badly i could do something. the best i can do is not belittle you guys' problems and tell you to do the best you can not to become a failure like me.
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this isn't just because of some lady being rude.....the problem is that people look at me very differently. and looking at the things i got...saying at least i have health or a job (a work study job mind you) is like saying at elast a gun shot to the foot is better than one to the head. that lady isn't perfect, but if she was sitting at a desk, i wouldn't walk over to the bloody desk and start taking things. when she said what she said, she talked as if i wasn't there. i have a crap load of reasons to end my life and don't get me wrong i'm not blaming that lady or anyone else....but there actions affect me just as my actions have affected people. the difference between me and those who hurt me is that i realized my actions hurt...they just don't care. it's stupid to be looked at in a bad way no matter what. to hell with living and changing over and over and bloody over again when none of it matters in the long run.
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my feelings toward suicide has been a tug of war as of late. but the one thing that makes me feel like ending my life is the way things are for me socially. i'm just not good at opening up and fitting in....but that doesn't mean i don't bloody try. it is frustating when all you want is for someone to notice you...and they overlook you like you don't matter. someone came into this office i was in and i tried to say hi, but she just acted as if i wasn't there. she chatted with soem other people in the office which didn't bother me but as she left she said something about keeping soemthing a secret...and that it wasn't a big deal to say it out loud in the office because n one was in there. well i was....and while i know i socially suck at fitting in, i'm a human bloody human being just like her. i don't know if she's being mean on purpose, but i hate how i'm not even worth a hello. it pisses me off that people expect me to do things that are difficult for me to do, yet no one has to even acknowledge my presense. it's nice to know no matter how good hearted i try to be, people won't care and in the end, i'd be better off dead.
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i talked to her..but i held back. the only reason why i wanted to talk to her agin was to let her know that i was very sorry for telling her about my feelings about ending my life and that i now wanted her to completely forget what i said only because i no longer want to waste her time. then i had planned on hanging up only i couldn't. i'm scared because i don't want her to hate me, but i can't just act like everything is all right either. i just want her to help other people who are more deserving of it. i want to sever ties with as many people as possible and if i go through with suicide, i will make sure to do so far away from everyone and make sure my family never finds out about it. sorry, i'm a bit anxious so i apologize if my words sound too spastic and meaningless right now.
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i'm sorry to keep making new posts about this but today was the last time i will see the girl that runs the bible study at school. last week i was really upset and made the mistake of revelaing my two month suicide plan (not the whole thing) she wanted to help me as much as she could but today i told her to forget about me and to forget what i said. i really wanted to tell her more...i wanted to tell her why i no longer wanted to seek counseling and at the core of why i feel hopeless is because important things in my life no longer matter. should i try to call her and tell her or would this be a waste of her time....a further waste mind you.