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not_invincible

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  • Birthday 04/29/1985

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  1. Well, I can only imagine how you're feeling because of the loss of your sister and the abuse you've been through; but I know what it's like to have very low self-esteem, and to need intimacy. I've worked on my self-esteem by completely immersing myself in school and bicycling, and doing my very best at both, but not being absolutely perfect (I spend all my time doing homework and getting into shape). Although these things can be very isolating at times, it gives you peace of mind to know that you've achieved something, and it also builds up your self-esteem slowly, but solidly. It also (for me anyways) removes the need for intimacy, which allows for easier talking to the opposite sex. I'm beginning to meet more people, people who have noticed and appreciated my effort at things. This kind of people is the best you could ever know. So, I think you just need to immerse yourself in something to can do well at, and slowly break out of your shell. It seems everything is male-dominated these days, so you will be noticed by "someone", probably much sooner than later.
  2. Alright, I realize now that she was just talking, not flirting with me. Thank you DiggityDogg for bringing me back down to earth... I was just caught off guard because she started talking to me so suddenly, and barely stopped for a breath. I'll try my best and take the conversation up a few notches next time, now that I know her a bit. Plus, another observation: The girl that I already knew in the club, I met her last year. When we met in person, she was very "flirty". She was touching me, teasing, and hung out with me for most of the time, all the while her boyfriend was there.... so this makes me just a bit hesitant for what to look for when a girl's flirting with me. I have to admit that I have flirted with girls in the past (though I usually do it without thinking, and only think to ask for her number after the fact, when she's long gone). Just today at the gym, as I was leaving I had to pass through a group of girls and one of them was looking at me; as I passed by this girl she said right to me "now, aren't you cute" (and she was my age, not my grandmother's). All I did was smile at her and keep walking...ummmmmm, what would have someone else done given they had a split second to think, and was surrounded by the girl's friends??
  3. I hope I'm not reading too much into this but....bear with me please. I'm in a cycling club, and I already know a few people in it. A couple days ago, on our first group ride, there was a new girl and three new guys. The new girl had been talking to the one other girl in the club, who I was already friends with, and my friend (sort of) introduced us by getting a conversation started between us. We started talking about things, how similar our programs were, the courses we had, etc., and throughout the ride she continued to talk to me and rode close beside me. She was very, very chatty with me (she talked about everything from her family to her future). She wasn't like this with anyone else (there were ~7 other guys and the girl there), and she mentioned a number of times how she was a beginner and she didn't have any friends to cycle with. Close to the end of the ride, when the group was splitting up, she decided to ride with me alone all the way to my place, although it was very far out of the way for her. She was still very chatty, but stopped to ask details about me on this leg of the ride. I didn't ask for her number/email, though she stayed to talk some more outside, and then she had to go because it was almost dark. I've always been afraid of showing too much interest in someone the first time I meet them (especially if it's an interesting girl), so in this instance I think I was acting very aloof, but not disinterested, because I kept her talking by asking questions. She said she hoped to see me on the next ride, within a week...but how do I handle things then??? There will be more guys on that ride, and since she is one of two girls...well you know. How do I act interested without scaring her away, and without her shifting her focus to one of the others?? How can I tell if she's just looking for a cycling buddy and nothing more?
  4. I've grown up as a shy kid, not having many friends and concentrating mainly on school (I'm working towards med school), so I have little social experience. I'm now 21, in university, but because of school work and my long commute to the university, I don't allocate much time to socializing, especially with girls. I volunteer, I'm in cycling clubs and go regularly to a gym, but I feel very detached from people. I can talk to anyone, and I can make even the most out-of-my-league girls laugh out loud (and have got a couple phone numbers after asking), but I *always* leave conversations feeling awkward or unaffected, and of course, never call. So my question (since this a shyness/dating forum)..... is it alright for me to talk to girls at the gym or in a lecture, just by going up to them and saying "hi, how are you..." etc?? I've been told that it's "dangerous". The reason I ask is: at the gym, which is dominated by overweight middle-aged men but also by many female students my age, a lot of the girls tend to look at me instead of the out-of-shape old guys. I feel like I should try to speak up and talk to some the girls who may be showing an interest in me. BUT how can I get over the feeling of being unaffected and disinterested in good-looking girls who I could very well be dating????
  5. I don't mean to be negative, but from what you've said she sounds like trouble. If she has an off again on again relationship with some guy who doesn't like her back, and if she doesn't like the thought of having you around because she "won't be able to go out," she sounds a bit unstable. I'd back off a bit; you can keep talking to her, but do not push a relationship.
  6. I'm not that good a giving advice...but I'll try. I"ve also hit that stage in life where I need a girlfriend, but since I have very few friends in the first place, I'm always asking myself "why would anyone want me??" Pineapple juice has some good tips in his list (I've been told by a couple different people that girls like salsa dancers.....don't ask me why), but lists are hard to follow; I thought I'd just tell you what I've done. In order to like yourself you have to do some soul-searching...so to speak. If you want a very quick way to get into shape, join a cycling club (that indoor velodrome stuff, road cycling or mountain biking, depending on the weather) and start riding with the experienced guys; you probably won't meet girls here, it's just for getting in shape and possibly networking. I also joined a gym, which inconveniently only has senior male members....make sure you find one with women your age. If you have time, volunteer somewhere, to work on your people skills. Others have been saying "love yourself, and others will love you"...it's not that simple. I think a person will only love himself after he feels loved by others. To feel loved you have to like what other people like (e.g. cycling).....I feel like I'm not making sense, so I'll end here.
  7. Yea, I think the only time I'll ever be confident is either if a girl touches me, or if she tells me she likes me. Those have yet to happen; although I've had a few seriously invade my personal space, when I don't know if they even like me or not, and that's very uncomfortable. Oh, another variable for the equation...and I'm sorry if I'm completely clueless... What is it if a girl stands one inch away from me while talking to me ("locked eyes" + "too close for comfort") ?
  8. I'm posting this here and not in "Attraction/Flirting" because I want shy people's opinions. What does "locking eyes" with another girl (in my case) mean? Girls, what are you thinking?? I've read other posts about how people usually take the "locking eyes" with another girl/guy as a sign of attraction; and how you can tell if someone likes what they see if they stare, smile, etc. And I think I know when it's just a friendly smile and nod, nothing else.... Although I'm very shy, I usually have my head up when I'm walking around at my school or something. I notice a lot of girls will "lock eyes" with me, not just quickly glance (maybe just because I'm 6'5" and skinny ). This happens so often I don't take the locking eyes thing as a signal to talk to a girl; and in my ~2 years at university, I think only 3 or 4 girls have talked to me out of the blue, but it was just about notes or something. So... what does "locking eyes" mean to other people??
  9. I know I'm surrounded by opportunities to make myself better, I just can't bring myself to seize any of them (shyness), and this is the most frustrating thing ever. I really am working on feeling good on the inside so I can project it out; it's not easy. I've been attacked for being quiet/reserved so many times, it's pretty hard to feel good. It seems I can only reallly be myself on forums/email, which doesn't really help with real-life social life. I've had volunteer work in a cancer clinic, and in an emergency room and my ultimate goal is to volunteer with an aid organization over-seas; patients I've helped are surprisingly happy even if they're in pain. I've also seen some of the behind the scenes of how the hospital works; it takes weeks to get a machine fixed, people are lazy, some of the nurses are the most miserable people I will ever know of. There are so few people I've met who actually care about the people around them, I just don't feel like meeting new people, because it will make things worse.
  10. I haven't been feeling very good for a few years....I'm at a very low point now... I have absolutely no friends to talk to (actually, no friends at all), I can't afford to have talk therapy/medication for depression, I can't talk to my parents, so asking them for help is impossible. I'm extremely shy, plus if I work up the courage to do something, I always fail. Example: this summer I forced myself to join a club, and volunteer at three different places so i could "break out of my shell." After a month of relative fun, I broke my leg, spent 10 weeks on crutches; watching TV, talking to no one, since nobody tried to call me, or email; I was at my parents', so I never had to leave the house for that time (no reason to anyway). Now, as my luck would have it, I'm working a full time job alone in a research lab (it's an after hours job). For 8 hours a day, absolutely no one is around. My equipment keeps breaking, so I can't even work, I spend most of my time sitting there thinking about nothing. It's not this simple; everything I do, something bad happens. I found this site; and was reading the dating forums for something to do; it made me more depressed. There are 14 year olds getting out of 2 year relationships, or asking for sex advice; I've never even touched a girl in my life. In short, I'm such a d*amn failure at everything that I know I would screw up suicide somehow and end up paralyzed or brain dead for the rest of my life. i sometimes had enough strength to get up and do something (last week i signed up at a club, but don't have the courage to go yet), and I need some idiot-proof ideas for things to do. Any ideas, or just a response will help. All I've been thinking about for months is what to drive my car into when I'm on the expressway, or what kind of pills to take with whiskey.
  11. Just a couple months ago I was at the point where I couldn't even get out of bed in the morning, so I know where you are. In my opinion, I think you need to forget about the Dec. 31 deadline (maybe easier said than done); getting a worthwhile job or getting into a school is probably not possible within two months, unless you've already got something lined up. If I've learned anything over my years with depression (yeah, I know I'm just 20, but it has been years...), it's to take things slowly, sometimes agonizingly so. Don't think of a little bit of progress as a "victory" over your depression, think of it as just that, a little bit of progress. I got into a co-op program at my school to force myself to get some different jobs, meet new people and to move out of my parents' house (gradually I move farther away for each job, independence is very difficult to master...). Depending on your interests (what are your interests by the way?) you could do the same. Tell us a little bit more about how life with your parents/grandparents is, and what kind of jobs/classes you;re looking into.
  12. I remember first thinking about it when i was 12 or 13, right after i switched schools and became the target of seemingly every bully in the new school. My parents didn't care; or I was a very good actor and they didn't see anything wrong, who knows? But I had no one to talk to. throughout juniour high and high school I spent my time in the library or at home in my room; school work and daydreaming helped distract me. now 8 years later, i have paralyzing shyness (i have no idea what even kept me going this whole time); i've hit rock bottom so many times i'm trapped inside myself. I achieved an all time low a month ago... i won't talk about that here. i live day to day, i can't remember the last time i had something to look forward to. sorry for the rant... but as for the question, all the time; i don't see it as an "easy way out" from my pain; i can't even feel pain anymore; i see it as an ending to an endlessly pointless, boring, empty life
  13. Hi, first post.... this post is the kind of thing i've been looking for i think. I've grown up as a nerd/dork/loser whatever you call it, i've never had a girlfriend and i'm very shy and confidence....well, i've got none. Recently, in the past year or two, I've noticed that a lot of girls around my age (~20-25 ) will stare at me when i'm walking by or walking into the room or something and will continue to stare even after i've made eye contact (and then broken it of course). Sometimes groups of girls will stop talking and stare at me, and i've even had very pretty girls smile along with their stare....... but it's very disconcerting. I've been told by a number of my landlord's female friends that I'm "very handsome," but this is the only time ever (other than my grandmother of course), so naturally it's hard to believe. But I just can't believe that women would stare at you if you're incredibly good-looking.... i thought women were notoriously shy about these kind of things???
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