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Destroyed 33

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  1. How can this be? We are about 8 weeks out from the day you ripped my heart out. We were together for so long and I loved you more than anyone has ever loved anything right until the last day and far past that point. I dont really know how I feel about you right now as far as love is concerned but I do know that I do not want you anymore. I dont really miss you much now. I dont want you back. I honestly dont. I am developing a new life and although I am working extremely hard on it, it is exhausting and not very fulfilling at all yet. I dont really like it yet but I am baffled at the fact that I truly dont want you in it. I am not happy yet. I am often very lonely and sad still but I have been staying pretty busy and putting myself out into the world as much as I possibly can which helps in a lot of ways. I just cant believe it. Am I blessed? I dont feel confused. Its simple, for the past few weeks or so I have just naturally decided that I dont want you and I definitely dont need you. I guess if I just keep moving and searching for happiness things can only get better. It is going to be a riot when I do land on my feet, get my life back on track and you see how bad you fu**** up. You are screwed.
  2. So it looks like you think you are better than me. I guess you think you can do better than me. Just another secret you kept so well hidden. I thought we were on equal ground and loved each other equally. Well, it seems pretty clear that you dont have an ounce of respect for me at all. No regard, no consideration what so ever as if the past 16 years were some sort of chore or horrible favor you were doing for me. All signs point to the idea that now, you view me as lower than the dirt under your shoe. I bet you are having the time of your life right now with this new guy your traded me in for. Passionate, romantic and exciting infatuation with the new love of your life. Clearly it didnt take more than a 3 week affair for you to pull the trigger on 16 years. Just more proof of what regard you have for me. Its kind of okay though because it is only a matter of time before you end up in a rut again. Then it will really start to hit you. Then what? On to the next one? You have a lot of catching up to do if you want to recapture the youth and growth that you had lost over all these years committed to me. I still come home everyday and actually think that there is a chance that you will be sitting outside in your car waiting for me. Every day. It doesnt sting to much anymore though but it is a constant tone of sadness and hopelessness. It is a no win situation though. I have come to terms with the fact there there is nothing I can do. The damage done was just too great. It didnt have to be that way but you either didnt care or wanted to completely bury what we had. I would love to think that if you did have a break down or change of heart, we could find a way to try again but you just nailed that coffin shut with extra nails. I wish there was a way. At least then I could have some hope. I love you so much and never thought you could do something like this. You are truly sick. I miss you. I hope I can find happiness in this world without you but it is all still so grey. It is a horrible place without you. Its like a cold baron wasteland.
  3. Oh god. Its almost like its getting worse as the time passes now. I was kind of on an upswing there for a while and now, its just getting scary. After 16 years I just cant comprehend how you do not have the urge to call me. Apparently you are just really strong or just really dont give a damn about me. I cant wrap my head around it. I think we are at the 2 month point now and I dont know where the time went. I dont know what the past 16 years were. I dont know who I am and I dont want a future without you. I hate this so much. I was so in love with you and I honestly thought you felt the same. Now, you are running around with this other guy probably in complete bliss and infatuation. A brand new exciting life while I just sit here and rot. You are probably making him feel like some sort of hero or your knight in shining armor and what does that make me in this little fantasy world of yours? I cant believe you would view me like some sort of evil villain or enemy. I just dont know and I am so scared and alone. I can only wait for the day where you fall off this little cloud and call me. I am sure that you are petrified of that day because you are pushing all the guilt and reality of the situation out of your life. You cant deal with what you have done so you chose to do everything in your power to pretend that I do not exist. It is so god damn sad and I am still in shock. Where are you! How could you do this in this way? I loved you so so much. You were the sun at the center of my universe and now its gone. I cant believe you would do this to me and just vanish in the blink of an eye. There is no hope.
  4. There is nothing I can do. You cheated on me behind my back and never expressed any unhappiness with our relationship. I realize now why. You did not want me to try to fix anything because you knew deep down that I would have done my best to do so. There was nothing I could have done to prevent this. As long as you were with me moving into the future, you would never know what a life outside of that would have been. Thats what it all boils down to. There is nothing I could have done. You needed to know what a life outside of "us" was going to be like. I just cant believe how easily and drastically you were able to blindside me. I constantly ask myself if you still miss me and love me. I cant wrap my head around it. All signs point to "no" but how is that possible? Its not like I ever hurt you or did anything but work on and for "us". I loved you with all my heart and I sit here scratching my head wondering how you have the strength to completely ignore me and not reach out. After all that time together, just you and me. So, I am cursed with just enough pride to not reach out to you. I wish there was a way to find out what is going on with you but you cheated on me behind my back and left me to suffer and pick up the pieces. How can I justify reaching out to you? I miss you so much but the damage is just so sever. Part of me thinks you did it on purpose and the other part thinks that you didnt think at all and just jumped out. You have to have regret, right? You have to miss me and have strong feelings for me, right? I just dont get it. 16 YEARS! It seems like you are doing everything in your power to forget about me and live this new life never looking back. That hurts so much. I feel so rejected and low. I know you think you are better than me but I never had that thought before. I thought we were right on the same page and loved each other completely right up until the day you left. Apparently you think you can do so much better than me and it makes me feel so worthless and pathetic. I have gotten so much stronger over the past 7 weeks but my life does seem completely pointless without your love. There is still a massive hole where my heart used to be and I feel no passion for life. Its a cold empty place here and I am getting so tired of just trying to survive this. I do pray that you snap out of it someday and can at least come to terms with what you have done. It is terrifying to think that anyone in the world is capable of doing what you did to me. I love you but I can never have you. I wish I could think of some way but you drilled those nails into the coffin so deep and permanently. How could I ever forgive you or be with you again? I wish I could think of one way I just cant. You destroyed everything.
  5. So I just counted and tomorrow will be 7 weeks since you vanished from my life. Very often lately, I just stop and ask "Where the hell did you go?" "What the hell happened?" "Where are you?" "Who are you?" "Is this seriously real?" and I cant help but laugh sometimes because it all seems so damn ridiculous. How the hell could you do this? I am not stupid and thought I was very in tune with our relationship and you had me fully convinced that everything was perfectly fine. You literally went out of your way to do that. You told me you loved me every day, hugs, kisses and our work schedules were so off but I just thought it was a phase we were in and eventually that would pan out. I still have no idea whether or not the schedules were off intentionally or not but... I dont know now. But you got me real good either way. You duped me so hard. I thought everything was fine and seemed perfectly normal. You were cheating on me! Then in the blink of an eye you were gone and your love for me went ice cold in an instant. Zero remorse. Zero regret. Zero consideration or care for my well being at all. You even defended this new guy when I told you what a scum bag he must be to get involved with someone in a serious relationship. It was like you were already in love with him and protecting him. How? So fast! That really threw me for a loop. In the blink of an eye it all changed and you were a completely different person. I would have never hurt a hair on your head or even hurt your feelings for that matter. You ripped my heart out and flushed it down the toilet for no good reason. I was good to you. I dedicated my life to our future. I would have done anything for you and I really believed that you loved me right up until the last day. It is still just so incredible to think that within 24 hours, after 16 years together you could just flip that switch on me. You got me good. I obviously have mixed feelings about you now but can say that from time to time (at least) you are coming down off that pedestal and I think that means that I am starting to let go a little. Sometimes, you are just a girl. Sometimes you are just a memory now. Sometimes you are just a pathetic and sick person who doesnt deserve a guy like me. You just did this in such a cruel and sick way. An opportunity presented itself to you and you said "what the hell", stabbed me in the back and jumped ship with no warning or sign. That is sick. We both know that I did not deserve that. I loved you with all my heart and treated you great. Anyways, more and more often you are coming down off that pedestal. More and more often I am disgusted by you. I have so much to offer and will find an incredible girl who will actually appreciate me and truly love me and she will be treated like gold just like I treated you. I know when that day happens you will be kicking yourself. We will be happy here in MY home and live in peace just truly happy. It will become our home. I will treat her better than you because she will not be a miserable, unmotivated slob who appreciates love and hard work. She will let me love her and know that I will be there for her every day. You on the other hand are screwed. You are chasing rainbows and will one day realize how bad you screwed up and I am fairly confident that it wont hit you until its far too late. Where the hell did you go? lol, I would say good luck but I dont wish that upon you. I hope you get exactly what you deserve and unfortunately, its nothing good. If karma and fate do exist, damn, you are really in for a rough ride. This whole thing is so sad. So much destruction but I dont think it will be too too much longer before I rise from the ashes like a phoenix. I cant wait to be happy again! It just sucks that there is no way possible for it to be with you. It is so sad. I care about you so much and I do still love you. I wish I didnt because you dont deserve it. You deserve nothing more than the pain which you have put me through. If I could even show you a tiny fraction of it, you would be brought to your knees and begging for forgiveness. I am pretty sure that is why you are so distant and cut off now. You cant even handle the thought of what you have done to "us".
  6. How is your plan working? Is it becoming easier to completely forget about me as the weeks go by? When was the last time you cried when reality hit you? Does reality hit you? I cant imagine that you dont miss me and still have very strong feelings for me at least. I just cant comprehend that. But that is what you are portraying. How can you not be a complete mess? How can you not frequently ask yourself if this was all a mistake? I just dont get it. I have accepted that you needed a break from me and it was inevitable even though prior to the split, I had no idea. I get it. This was meant to be. The way you went about it on the other hand is a whole nother discussion. I just cant imagine what your life looks like now on a daily basis. You work, probably spend a whole lot of time with this new guy having a lot of fun but dont you realize that the infatuation will eventually dim and a more predictable routine will develop? You will end up discovering flaws about this guy too in time. Maybe even major issues. He may end up kicking you to the curb some time. Then what? Its all an exciting little fairy tale for you right now but you must have considered that things will normalize and you have ultimately set yourself back 10 years to where we were. I dont know. I miss you. I love you. I hate you for putting me in this position with no option for me to even try to work on things for us. You cut the chord and I am falling endlessly through space. I cant even see a way to get back. You were everything to me and I am not ashamed of that. I loved you unconditionally. You were supposed to be the mother of my children, my wife, my sole mate until the end. I really thought I knew what we were. I never wanted anyone else. You gave me purpose and then in an instant ripped it away. Now what do I have? I cold lifeless house, a sad dog and no will to live a life without you. I didnt sign up for this. I dont hope that you are happy. I hope that you are regretful. I hope that there was a few points in the past few weeks where you picked up your phone and almost dialed my number. I dont know. I dont have any idea who you are. You are doing a great job managing this though but what is painful to think about is how easy it is for you. It almost seems like you dont care at all. I cant make sense of it.
  7. The only thing I have been thinking for the past few days is "How could you do this to me?". The girl that I had been with for the past 16 years would not have done this. She was not selfish and cold. She may not have been the most independent person but I thought she at least had some decency. You tricked me. I never thought I would let me self be duped like that again by you. I was on guard but also at a point where I trusted you. I needed to and you earned that trust. I dont know. I dont know what to do. I am just depressed and exhausted lately. I have been trying so hard just to function every day and I dont know how much more I can put in. You were my fuel. This is so hard. You have pretty much left me in between a rock and a hard place. I want you so bad but I cant even consider taking you back into my life because of how you did this to me. How can I even consider a future with you? How can I consider a future without you? You are certainly holding firm on this. I have no doubt that this is exactly how you want things right now. Completely disconnected from me. I did nothing to deserve such pain though. I dont know how you can sleep at night. I treated you with love and respect and lived my life for our future together and you made it seem like you were all in right up until the day of the break up. How can you not call me? How can you not miss me? I know you told me that you dont love me anymore but I dont believe that for a second. I know you do but I also know that you needed to do this. It had to be done, but the way that you did it was beyond uncalled for. How could you cheat on me and run away with a guy you barely even know? How could you not consider me, the guy who lived his life for you? I love you so much. More than anyone has ever loved anyone ever. I dont know how many more times I can say it. I would have never hurt you. I would have always been there for you and done anything for you. I love you so much and you know it. Now your mission is to forget me? I want you back but I cant have you. It hurts so much.
  8. I had a good weekend. I dont know how. I hung out with a bunch of old friends that you hate that I have not seen in many many years. They supported me. They were very happy to see me after all this time. I spent the night partying with them. They were all wasted and I spent a lot of time being comforted by a two smoking hot lesbians and a few other girls that wanted to spend the night in bed with me. It was pretty nuts. I didnt spend the night and was a complete gentleman. Good time though. I went on a date yesterday for the first time. At first I thought the girl was intense, outspoken, the opposite of refined and really didnt know what to make of her. She is a loud mouth with no filter and swears like a truck driver. The more time I spent with her the more I began to like her though. I actually started to become attracted to her which is really weird because you know how picky I am. The best part is, she clearly became attracted to me toward the end and really wants to get together again. I could tell that she was giddy as I dropped her off and as she was getting out of the jeep she was grinning ear to ear and said "I will DEFINITELY be calling you by mid week". It felt really good to have someone looking at me with eyes like that again. You are quickly coming down from the pedestal that I have had you on for all of these years. I am now finally above you. You are weak, pathetic, helpless, disgusting and selfish. You are not worthy of forgiveness. You deserve to be in a physically abusive relationship, get STD's, get knocked up and be, rejected, petrified and lost. I have always been humble and the furthest thing from arrogant but I am better than you. You do not deserve what I have to offer. You are truly probably the most beautiful person I have ever met in my life but your heart is stone. You pretended with me for god knows how long. It was all an act. You cant love. You are sad. You are sick. You are broken. You are hopeless. The happiness that you left me to find does not exist. You are destine to be miserable. Like a heroin addict chasing that unattainable high. Kind of like your mom actually. You are right on track to end up like she did and probably too f****** stupid to even see it. Lets just pray that we all just get exactly what we deserve. Deal? Well, hope you are having a blast with my replacement. It will catch up with the both of you soon. This is how I feel today. Wish me luck with journey down the road to healing! I love you.
  9. How hard are you trying to forget about me? How often, if ever do you cry or become emotional when you think about us and what you have walked away from? Are you truly able to spend periods of time without me on your mind and actually be content and happy? I cant picture being able to do that anytime soon. Are you sometimes afraid that you made a horrible decision? Do you ever have the desire to just come running home or even pick up the phone to call me? Do you think of me when you are with him? Are you doing that "thing you do" with him and showering him with love and attention to make him fall in love with you making him feel like the most special person in the world? Do you think you will ever have the desire to call me and really talk like I actually meant something to you? Do you have any idea how much I love you? That is a rhetorical question. You clearly have no clue and no desire to know. I wish I could show you. No one will ever love you more. It is not possible.
  10. I just wanted to let you know that I still love you and miss you more than ever even after the fatal blow that you took to my life when you ripped out my heart. I know you dont think I remember a lot of the romantic times that we shared earlier in our relationship but I really do. A lot more than you think! I wanted to tell you that the best moment of my life was 16 years ago after our first date when I walked you up to your fathers porch. Mohawk blazing, leather jacketed homeless kid with nothing but song lyrics and cigarettes in his pocket. I asked you so politely if it would be ok to kiss you. When you said yes and I did, that was hands down the best moment of my life. In that moment, I finally knew what my purpose was. I love you more than anyone has ever loved anything ever and I know you still love me too. I would do anything for you.
  11. I love you more than anything in the world. I would have done anything to make you happy and although I know that we were in a pretty stale routine, I thought you were happy in general. You pretended that you were right up to the last day. Even when we would have heart to hearts after little arguments and I would dig a little to make sure that there were no underlying issues, you always were able to convince me that our relationship was fine and that there was no reason for me to be concerned about "us". About half way through our 16 year relationship you destroyed my trust and brought me to my knees with your betrayal and infidelity. We worked through it, established that we were still fully committed to each other and completely in love. I made huge changes whenever you looked me in the eye and seriously had a concern. My trust for you came a long long way since our first major issue. You had it just about as high as it could be and then used it to pull the wool over my eyes, cheat on me and set up a plan to abandon everything that we had worked so hard to get. You said, so many times how you wished that I could trust you more and we did get there. You took that trust and used it to kill me. You convinced yourself that you were not cheating on me because, in your words, you didnt do anything physical with this guy until the day you broke it off and fled. But you cheated on me emotionally which I have found to be much worse. You saw this guy every day for 3 weeks knowing full well that you were both attracted to each other and an infatuation was developing all right under my nose. You pretended that everything was just fine every day during this affair. We had a few spats but in hindsight it was just you digging for reasons to argue and justify what you were doing behind my back. I apologized and put in the effort to patch things up each time which kind of foiled what you were doing. You told me you loved me every day and kissed me then went to work and spent time with your new boyfriend. When it was all over and you came back to pick some things up, you had the nerve to advise me to not let my trust issues ruing my future relationships. How dare you even suggest that? Like I am the one who created these issue. After what you just pulled on me? You must be out of your mind! Whether you have considered it or not, when the day comes and I do find someone else to care about and be with, that person WILL NOT BE YOU and will have the ability to earn my trust. Turns out my gut was right all along and you were never worthy of my trust. You have taught me, if nothing else that my gut is almost always right. It hurts that you were and are able to convince yourself that I am a screwed up person with control and trust issues that you just couldn't handle anymore. You convinced yourself that you were in a cage and trapped with me. You never expressed this to me and just pretend to be generally happy. The fact is, I never wanted to control you. The only time I ever tried to "control" anything was when it was in regard to you being unfaithful to me. This was not control. You were able to do anything you wanted with your life besides break my heart of be involved with other guys romantically. Sorry, I couldnt stand for it and would simply need to ask you once and a while to be open and honest with me. Apparently that was to smothering for you and the one "rule" that you needed to be free to break. I was never a control freak and you only told yourself that to make me feel like I had an issue. I just wanted honesty and confirmation once and a blue moon when my gut was telling me something was wrong. You are full of and it damaged my self esteem to feel like I had these issues. I would have moved mountains for you. I took us from the ghetto to the perfect suburban neighborhood and did it with nothing but the power driven by your love and the need to make sure you were in a safe and happy environment. I did it all for our future and you threw it all away in an instant leaving me in a cold scary place that used to be full of life and love. For what? To get laid? Just to switch things up and see what it would be like? You are weak. You could have and never would have left me without another guy to take care of you or give you the attention. You can never stand on your own two feet and I was proud to be able to help and take care of you. You could have done anything with your life that you wanted with me and I would have supported it besides be in another romantic relationship. I am sorry that was such a problem for you. One day you will find out that you threw away something far greater than anything you will ever find out there. The infatuation and excitement is going to be fun for a while but you will end up in a routine again one day and it will all begin to fade out. What will you do then? I love you more than you will ever know but I hate and never will forgive you for what you have done to me. Reckless, careless, selfish, cold and heartless. I would have never hurt you. I would have never held you back from following your dreams if you only had some. You blamed me for the fact that you were completely unmotivated and stuck. You told me that you couldnt do the things you wanted with your life because you didnt want to deal with my reactions. This is pathetic and untrue. You did nothing because you were lazy and had me to do everything even though I tried so hard to pull you in to every process. 16 years and you just flipped a switch and ruined my life. You took everything. Every ounce of happiness, All of my confidence and pride, all of my progress and hard work, my motivation and our future and worst of all, my heart. You took it all and threw it in the trash and screwed this other guy the first second you had a chance. That is all you really wanted. I would say that I hope your happy but I cant even say it condescendingly. I want you to feel the pain that I am in. You deserve it. I love you.
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