Goldeye

This was a prose poetry assignment we had to do for my English class. It's set up the way it is because that was the format we were assigned to write it in. Just because I'm gay It doesn't mean that I have some sort of contagious disease Or that you're going to "catch" it from hanging around me too much, Or that I'm trying to "recruit" you for anything, And I don't have a crush on every girl I talk to. Just because I'm gay It doesn't mean that I'm not human, too, Or that I don't have feelings, Or that it doesn't hurt when people tell me I'm going to hell. And I'm not trying to destroy the sanctity of marriage. Just because I'm gay It doesn't mean that I "chose" to be this way Or that my parents didn't raise me like they should have Or that I'm some kind of freak. And I don't want to be tolerated; I want to be accepted- Just for who I am. (By the way, I am actually a girl if the last line of the first stanza doesn't seem to make sense. I'm using "gay" as a general term referring to homosexuality, not just males.)

I'm sorry it sounds like you're having such a hard time, but it's good that you're doing better now than before. It gets easier eventually, and in the end no matter what happens you'll be a stronger person for it.

I know, which is why I never try to make those moments happen, I figure if they're meant to then they will, and if you try to force it then it won't happen.

Okay, I'm a little afraid what I'm going to try to say here will sound sort of stupid, but here goes. Sometimes when I see some painting or place that to me for some reason looks really beautiful, I get this sort of feeling of beauty and sadness and longing. (The kinds of things I'm talking about aren't things most people would find fascinating... Like a school building seen from accross a soccer field at night with a glow from the streetlights being cast on the edges of the whole scene. That's one thing that's made me get that feeling recently.) For ages, I'd never been able to place what exactly it was the longing was for. A few weeks ago it finally dawned on me. What I've been wanting is to be able to share those moments and places with someone. To just be there with that person suspended in time, in your own world cut off from the rest of reality and it's just you and them and this beautiful scene you have in front of you and for that moment, nothing else matters. Nothing. Because, for that moment, nothing else is. Sorry for that rant... Anyway I guess what I'm asking is does anyone else ever get that feeling? Or maybe experienced a moment like that with someone else?

Well, we went roleplaying today. It was me, one of our friends ©, a friend of C's who was visiting from a different state (D), my ex (A), and her ex (B). I didn't know B was gonna be there cuz the whole thing was sorta unplanned but I guess A invited her or something... When I realized she was coming at first I kind of wished I hadn't come, but A wound up paying a lot more attention to me most of the time. It was nice cuz I thought she'd be paying more attention to B since she used to do that when B was around even when we were going out. I've noticed she seems to be paying less attention to B in general lately; or at least when I'm around. There was a bit of flirting, but nothing really big enough to be worth mentioning here. It was fun though, like hanging with her usually is, and I did like that she was paying more attention to me than B. One of my friends says she thinks it sounds like she's "reconsidering what she lost by breaking it of with me" and says she thinks there's hope, but I know only time will tell and I'm making sure not to get my hopes up too much. I'd still like us to get back together, but I'm not holding any real expectations.

Thanks icemotoboy, and will do. I've seen the threads here on limited contact and how you're supposed to act, and I've been doing what they say. Being positive and fun to be around and not really talking about the relationship. Though I know if I wanted to talk about it she'd be willing to, I figure it's best to not dwell on that every time I'm around her. Instead I try to keep things light and happy, and it seems to have been working pretty well for me so far.

Thanks Tigris. Most people I've talked to seem to think that's the case... I've just got to give it time I guess.

This is going to be long, but I've found most posts here are. First of all, let me explain a few things. I'm gay. The person I'm talking about here is my ex-girlfriend, and I'm also a girl. (If you have issues with that, and are just going to post to tell me how wrong or disgusting it is, please just stop reading now.) I'm 15 and a freshman, she's 16 and a sophomore. She's 13 months older than me. Also, parts of this are going to be talking about anime and roleplaying, which I realize makes me very nerdy... We started going out March 5th after she kissed me during the roleplay the Friday before... I'd just joined it a few days before because she said they needed another person, and of course the character she wanted me to be was one her character was supposed to be madly in love with. Anyway, after that I started going to tech with her after school and helping out, because she was doing tech work for our school play. To give background information that's important later, a year ago my now ex (now referred to as A) dated this other girl (B). A and B only dated for about two weeks, at which point B decided she was straight and dumped A. But in the roleplays, B still made out with her and things, and yet still insisted she was straight afterwards and refused to date her. This went on until winter break this year, when B suddenly stopped talking to her. They're friends again now, but nothing like that has happened since. We'd been going out for about two and a half weeks and things (I thought) couldn't have been going better. But then Friday (the 24th) while I was back with her where she was running spotlight for the play during rehearsal, she said "We need to talk." (This was during a part where she had a long break from cues.) Everyone knows what those words mean... But she started crying when she was dumping me. I cried too, but when I started crying it was because of seeing her crying, not because she was dumping me. She told me she had feelings for me when she was around me, but when she wasn't she didn't feel anything because all she could think about was B. She said she felt like that meant it wasn't real and she felt like she was lying to herself. She said she was a horrible person for doing this to me and was sorry she couldn't've been better. She was also hugging me a lot during this whole conversation (which in total was almost two hours), and she would cling on and not want to let go. A lot of the things she said were sort of incoherent because she was crying and only half finishing her sentences. She begged me to stay her friend, but said she'd understand if it would hurt me too much, and that when I got mad at her, she wouldn't be mad at me for it. She seemed to care a lot that she was hurting me, which considering the circumstances I thought was odd. We'd just met at the beginning of the year, and only really started talking about a month before she asked me out. It seems to me it'd be easier for her to just not care. I called her that Sunday to tell her I didn't hate her, because I think she was afraid I would, and we talked for about half an hour until her dad started yelling at her to finish her homework. She said she'd call back when she finished, but I was going somewhere so I told her not to. I stayed in tech, because I really liked it and we spent so much time there it was like a second family. If any of you've been in theater, you know what I mean. Anyway, during tech that week (which was this past week), she flirted with me a lot. We also still spent a lot of time there together, because she still liked being around me (my guess is it's partially because she thinks about B less when I'm around) and I still liked being around her. She would always give me some of her food or drink, and once when I was back where she was doing spotlight sitting in the back row of seats, she got to a break in her cues and came up behind me and started messing with my hair and like massaging my scalp and temples and stroking my forehead and running her fingers through my hair. I'm pretty certain I felt her kiss my head then, too, and I know she had her chin resting on it for a while. Whenever she hugged me, it usually felt longer than a normal hug. She did other things too, but you get the drift. I'm sort of confused, because she dumped me but still spends so much time with me and flirts all the time and it really feels as though she likes me. I suppose it sort of makes sense, because she did say she had feelings for me when she was around me, but it sort of feels like her feelings have been getting stronger since she dumped me. I still feel like I'm more than a friend to her even though I'm no longer her girlfriend. Most of my friends say that once she gets over her ex, it's quite possible we'll wind up dating again. One of my friends says she thinks we just rushed into things the first time, but that it's pretty clear she still has feelings for me and that given time, we probably will get back together if I'm still interested by that point. I know that most of you will probably say that no contact is best, but right now I'm hurting less than I know I would be if I was doing NC. My overall mood is happy as opposed to miserable and bitter. I like just spending time with her, because she's fun to be around and seems to really enjoy my company. And I know she's thinking about her ex less then, too, which is good for her because she's been hung up on B for over a year now and it just makes her depressed, and I'd much rather her be happy than depressed because I care about her. [Edited for spelling]

She may be jealous; actually she probably is (though she has a boyfriend...), but I've been doing my best not to let my girlfriend come between us. Though now that she's insulting us and saying things like that it's wrong for us to hold hands (which we do sometimes walking between classes... No one really gives us crap for it, or at least not to our faces.) I may eventually be forced to choose. She's being kind of mean about other stuff too, and controlling. She text messages me a lot and gets annoyed if I don't reply because I was doing something. Like she text messaged me when I was watching the fourth Harry Potter movie on opening night (November 18th where I live) and got ticked because I told her I was watching it and couldn't text right then... *sigh* And she wants me to stop being friends with a lot of the people I'm friends with. She tried turning me against them, but it didn't work. The friends aren't bad influences; none of them do drugs or other crimes; they get pretty good grades; etc. She just was getting annoyed with them. I'm thinking I might have to cut our friendship...

Okay, well at the moment I'm not as worried about her getting her mom to tell my parents about my girlfriend and I, but I have another issue. Fortunately, this one isn't nearly as bad, more just annoying. Katie's saying now she doesn't really think I'm bisexual. She thinks I'm straight and am either A) going through a phase, B) doing it for attention, or C) just discouraged that I've never had a boyfriend. I've tried telling her that A) I thought about this for months before deciding I really was bisexual, B) I wouln't want that kind of attention, and C) if I really just wanted a boyfriend I could have one, because there's a guy who I know likes me right now (I know for a fact that he does because he flat out told me he did shortly before I started dating my girlfriend). But she still won't believe me. She also doesn't seem to understand that it hurts having someone try to tell you what your own sexuality is.

Thanks, I hadn't ever even considered that. I might try doing that.

Okay, this is kind of a long story... Basically, at the end of September I came out as bisexual and told the girl I liked, who I already knew was bisexual, that I liked her. It turned out that she liked me too and had for several months (which I'd sort of suspected), and now we're going out (which I'm incredibly happy about... I really, really like her). All my friends know and they're cool about it. But my parents don't know, because I'm afraid of how they might react. I don't think they'd disown me, because they're not really homophobic, and I have a cousin who's gay and they seem accepting of him and his boyfriend, but I'm still scared to tell them right now because I don't know how they'd feel about their own child being bisexual... Where the problem really begins is with my friend... I'll call her Katie for now. Katie pretty much tells her mom everything. I told her to make sure not to let her mom know that I was bi, but of course a week later her mom knew and also knew I was going out with the other girl. At first I was really annoyed, but her mom doesn't really seem to care and Katie says her mom won't tell my parents. The problem, though, is that Katie is really self-centered and lately we've been fighting a lot over stupid things, usually throught text messages because she texts me constantly. It's getting to be really stressful, and I don't think I want to be friends with her anymore, or at least not "best friends," which is what we are right now. But I'm afraid that if I stop being friends with her, or even if one time she just gets really really angry, she'll get her mom to tell my parents. I hope she wouldn't do that to me because she knows I'm not ready to tell my parents yet and that when I am ready I want to be the one they hear it from, but it's possible she might. If she does try to get her mom to tell my parents, I really hope her mom will know it's be better for my parents to hear it from me, when I'm ready, than from her. I don't know what I'll do if she tells them... Well, that's my dilemma. Anyone have any advice? I think soon I'm going to talk to my school counsellor (who I know is LGBT suportive) about this and see if she has any ideas...

I was in a situation like that recently, but I was the girl who was "straight". I'd liked my friend, who I knew was bisexual, for about three months before I finally told her I was bi too and that I liked her. I knew there was a chance that she liked me back (which turned out to be the case, and she's now my girlfriend), but I was afraid of liking her. I wanted to be "normal". When I told her that I liked her I found out that she'd liked me for even longer than I'd liked her but had always thought I was straight and was trying not to give in to her feelings for me and risk ruining our friendship. I'm not saying this is definitely the case with you and your friend, but there's a chance. Everyone I knew except my best friend (not the same person as my current girlfriend; I view my best friend as a sister more than anything else) had thought I was straight until just before we started going out. No one had expected me of all people to be bisexual. While it's possible your situation is different and your friend is straight after all, it's also possible she's just like me and is scared, in which case it's likely she'll eventually get over her fears as I did. Just thought I'd try giving the possible other side of the story.

Yeah, I know they will. I just have to wait for that to happen... Which I hope shouldn't take tooo much longer since it's been two weeks now...