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janut1

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  1. I am doing so much better then I thought I would after breaking up with you. But, I still wish I could tell you that I didn't ever fall in love with you. You didn't allow that. You kept me at arms length and never really let me in. I wish you were able to let me in and get close to you, but you just couldn't do it. You would talk about everything but us. I am a bit surprised that I haven't heard anything from you, not even a Im sorry. After a year of dating, I was thinking you might want to at least see if I was okay, but NOPE! This just proves to me that you really didn't care that much and that I wasted a year of time and energy on someone who didn't deserve my time or energy. I guess I really was nothing to you and meant nothing to you. Sad, but its the end and I am guessing I will never hear from you again.
  2. This is a good place to finally put this down. In your last text to me you said sorry I didn't put as much into this as you did. I guess I just don't feel the way you do. I asked what that meant, then just said forget it, im done. That was the end 3 weeks ago today. What I wish I would of said is, how do you know how I feel? You never asked me. I did things for you because I cared, but I was not in love with you. I think you think I was. But again, you never asked and I never ever said that to you. I couldn't fall in love with you because you kept me at arms length the whole time. I never felt close to you, there was not much affection, no talk of the future and you never told me how you felt, which meant you didn't feel much for me or you couldn't let me in, but who cares now. I wish you were honest and just broke up with me, but you made me do it so you didn't have to because you are a coward. I fell in love with your family, your mom and dad, sister in law and your grandkids. Why? Because they would tell me they loved me, and would hug me and say they were happy I was in their family. Something you never did. So no, you didn't know how I felt and you never will. I just hate that you think I felt more then I did, but there is absolutely nothing I can do to make you aware of that now that we are done. You actually make my stomach ill and I put up with all of the crap way longer then I should of. You told me that your X wife expressed to your therapist when you were married that you never hugged her, you didn't do something in bed, which I know now is you do nothing in bed and you only want to be pleased and put little to no effort into pleasing a women you just lay there in your 350lb glory and expect the women to do all the work. You really suck in bed! But when she left you for another man, she told you, I finally found someone who can please me in bed. I know she said that to hurt you, but it all makes sense now. She hated you because you did not give her what she needed. She lashed out at you because you did not give her what she needed. You acted like you had nothing to do with her being so angry. Well you did, but you will never understand. I am happy for her that she found someone who does fulfill her needs now. She deserves it after spending 17 years in a unaffectionate, sexless marriage. Im happy that I got out too, just wish I did it sooner. It all makes sense now.
  3. Day 7 WOW, I really didn't think that you would not reach out to me by now! We never went more then a day without talking and that was rare. I guess that means that we are done seeing each other? I thought we talked about letting the other know if we were not wanting to see each other again. You just went dark. Would not answer my question about you being distant, why? I would of at least like to know that you didn't want to see me any longer, then at least I would know it was over. This just has me at a wow stage, like what happened? I know you had a bad health scare, but come on. You are on FB still and are posting away. Your fingers aren't broken. Why did you refuse to answer my question? I have now deleted your phone number from my cell and unfriended you on FB. I just don't want to have any reason to reach out to you even though my whole body and mind is saying DO IT!! Ask him one more time why he is being so cold. I just want to know why you stopped contacting me. Yikes! This feels awful.
  4. Dear G, I think I am on my way to finally putting this relationship away for good. I am not even thinking about you everyday, every minute like I was. You come to mind when I see a car like yours, or I think about how I cannot even remember what it was like to be with you anymore. You and I were just not meant to be, period. You didn't even check many of my boxes, just maybe 2 out of 10, but I was lonely and you filled that need for me at that time. I'm not sure if I was even in love with you really. I know now that there is someone else out there that I am meant to meet. Even though you are already in another relationship, I feel okay not being in one. You will just continue to recycle through women without a thought of how you hurt others with your actions. Since you are now 58, I doubt your way of being in a relationship will change unless you get a wake up call or therapy. I am starting to get my self esteem back and now know that I am worth way more then how you treated me in the end. I didn't deserve that. I treated you really well, never cheated, always there for you when you needed me and tried my best to be the best person I could be with you. I am excited actually about what my future holds now, WHEW! What a relief. J
  5. Dear G Happy Birthday! I hope you are having a great day. Before we broke up I had started to make reservations for your birthday. I had the hotel reserved and was watching flights. It was going to be a surprise! We were going to Vegas for your birthday! You had told me many times how you had never been but really wanted to go and I was going to take you! I was so excited about it all and was trying hard not to tell you about it. Obviously, I cancelled everything once you left me in the cowardly way that you did. I'm sure "she" is treating you well today. J
  6. Dear G, I am thinking less and less of you these days. Which I am so happy about really! I have lots of distractions in my life which is helping. I have lost over 25 lbs and am close to my first weight loss goal. I'm working out 3 times a week and as hard as that is, I keep moving forward. I was contacted by a old high school boyfriend and it has been great getting to know him again even if we are just friends. I am starting to open up to dating again, which is a big step for me. Do I miss you? Yes and I still love you too. But I know that its time to shut that door, and open a new one because there is more to do before I leave this planet. And hopefully I will find the one that just knocks me off my feet and becomes my life partner for the last half of life. I don't see that future with you as I once did, and I am happy about that. You and I just weren't meant to be. I hope the new gal is making you laugh and that you are having fun. I'm sure you are, because I can remember how much fun we had together. I also hope that you actually learn how to communicate with her so you can have a open loving relationship and stop cheating on people who love you. But like many have told me, tigers don't change their stripes that easily. As much as we spoke about this when we were together, you need therapy to figure out why you do what you do. BUT Its not my place to tell you how to live your life any longer as your actions don't affect me now. I am hoping in the next couple of months to not even want to write you here on ENA. Of course being the person I am, I love with everything in me. So it takes me time to remove that love from my heart. I'm okay with that and am in no rush to love someone else like that for awhile to cover it up. I have learned a lot about the things I want in a relationship. I took out my wish list for my next partner that I made before I met you and realized that you weren't even close to what I wanted. I wanted a honest healthy loving relationship. Someone I could talk to about anything even if its a tough discussion. Someone who is sexually compatible, someone who has integrity, and is honest and true. The only checks you made was someone fun to be with who can make me laugh. So goodbye and good luck. J
  7. Dear G, This week has been extremely hard. I hope to GOD that I don't have another week like I just experienced. I found out you left your job, and wanted to find out if you moved to Utah or where you were working. Unblocking your FB page was a huge mistake. I saw you and her and just fell apart. I couldn't breath and had a major breakdown for a couple days. I saw your arm around her and thought OMG, that should be me, who is this bitc**? I texted my sister right away and she looked up your FB page and she could actually see more then me as Im sure I am blocked somehow from seeing your stream. The biggest surprise is when my sister told me it said you met this other woman in May. We were still together in May. SOOO, my deepest darkest fears all came true. I asked you 100 times if there was someone else because you were acting hot/cold and the online dating thing had me not trusting you. You said NO many times and got upset with my constant questions. I asked you if you still love me, you said YES a lot! Well not so much huh? You lied to me about so many things and I am so shocked that I fell for it! And you were a coward for not at least telling me that you wanted to break up, move on or you found someone else. I just cannot believe all the time we spent together meant nothing to you. You just walk away from me and open the door to her. ? The good thing is I now have closure. I now know that we are done. There is no way in hell that we have a chance of working on this and growing through it. By the way, I am surprised at how she looks. Short, chubby and old. She reminds me of a grandma. But, you are not young either and maybe she is stupid enough to believe all your lies too, just like I did in the beginning. I know how charming you are and how persuasive and persistent you can be. You are wining and dinning her. Taking her to fun places. Laughing, spending all the money you don't really have and pushing hard to have her say she loves you and that you want to be together ALL THE TIME. I wouldn't be surprised if you moved in with her already. Why not? You asked me to marry you at our 2 month anniversary, so she is probably your fiance now. The next thing we will see is you are married. Writing this to you is really getting me clear that I deserve someone so much better. Someone who doesn't lie about things constantly, cheats on every woman he's been with and just has no heart. You are a scumbag, a loser, and a lying cheating bastard. FU J
  8. Its been 2 months and 2 weeks since we texted each other and basically ended our 19 month relationship and some times it seems like just yesterday. Some days I do really well. I barely think of you and do my work, go to the gym, smile and laugh. Then something hits me and I have a bad day where all I do is think about you and wonder why this happened. I miss holding your warm hand. Laying with you watching TV, cuddling. Yes I still miss you, and I still love you. I wonder why I am hanging on to something that wasn't healthy though and then I try to remind myself of all the bad stuff. My brain wants to trick me and only wants to remember the fun we had. But, all the stuff that wasn't right and how I was unhappy with us and how things were going, the stuff I never told you like the nights I would get out of bed and cry in another room where you couldn't hear me because I felt like something wasn't right. I couldn't put my finger on it, but now I know. I wanted to stay with you because I didn't want to be alone. I was really happy with my life before I met you, but some how I was miserable again after the fun honeymoon stage was over. How did this happen? And after finding out you were on the online dating site in May and while we were still together, was the last straw. I was so untrusting after that and I just was so hurt by it. You again refused to talk to me about it. You said the past is the past, and lets just move forward. The problem is you can't always sweep things under the carpet, you need to talk about it. You lied about why you were on it. Do you think I'm that stupid to believe you were just showing your son? Your son could of created his own account and you could of should him how it worked there, not reopen your own account!!! This is when our relationship went downhill. I then woke up and realized that you had been lying to me the whole time. There were so many things, I just can't even fathom how much of what you told me might of been a lie. I was having a hard time making up my mind on whether I should leave or stay. It was so hard. Some days were great. We would have fun, laugh and just be us. Then other days when things weren't as good, you would refuse to talk about us and shut down. I felt like I was walking around on egg shells because if I said anything about being unhappy about something, you would chose to not talk about it, and most the time you would get up and leave. I was left wondering why you couldn't communicate. We never had any big fights and what we needed to talk about wasn't big, but you just couldn't handle any communication unless it was happy and light. So its over now. You are probably with someone else by now. I know you hate to be alone and taking time to reflect, heal and then move on is not something I see you doing. You like to move on fast and never think about what might of happened in your last relationship. I was shocked at first that I did not hear a word from you after your last text. BUT now I understand that you are a coward. You couldn't face me to say anything... like sorry, I made a mistake, I should of talked to you, I was online because I wanted to break up with you, I didn't really mean it when I said, "Maybe you should find someone else to make you happy. You deserve it!." You didn't expect me to say Okay and never contact you again. So now, its over. I'm moving on and healing. I just want to be happy again.
  9. 2 months since we have spoken and I'm getting better, although not completely healed from your sudden departure. But I know this had to happen because I wasn't happy with the way things were going. I started to see the red flags more clearly and was starting to not trust you at all. I had thoughts that you might be seeing others or telling me lies about what you were doing. I didn't like that at all, but it started when my friend found you on Christian Mingle. My trust went down hill after that and you could not convince me that you were just showing your son how it worked. That was a lie! It was only a matter of time before I would wanted to discuss all my thoughts and doubts with you and I know you would of left before discussing them with me like you always did. You just leave, you are a coward and weak, you have no idea how to work on things in a relationship. This "leaving" must of worked for you in your marriage, but it didn't work with me. You told me she would call and beg you to come home, well I didn't and will not do that. It's childish. When I would mention something that bothered me, you would say, thats in the past and would not discuss it past that point. It was so frustrating! You admit you hate arguing and confrontation, but its part of life. So hearing nothing from you is the cowards way of dealing with our 19 months together and you have showed me your true colors now. You lied and cheated and pretty much have no clue at the age of 57 how to be in a healthy relationship. There are so many times that all I can think about it the fun we had, the times that you made me laugh like no one else could. Going to my first football game with you, experiencing restaurants I have never been to before. Riding in limo's and buses while you were working and loving how you took control of the crowds. You can be a really great person, but your habitual lying and insecurity ruins it all and at your age I doubt you will ever be able to change it.
  10. Day 43 I lost track and had to actually count. I was so angry yesterday, it all just came flooding up and out. UGGH! I was swearing all day long and everything was so frustrating. I'm mad at HIM for leaving me so cowardly, actually for making me break up with him because I just could not take his hot/cold emotions any longer. There was no closure and nothing really said about why, it just happened. SO ODD. Today is better, but I was NOT happy yesterday. I am on a mission to feel better about myself, getting healthy and trying to feel better about ME. I am turned off by dating and men, so its a great time to focus on myself and maybe some day I will be in a healthy relationship if I ever decide its worth a try.
  11. Dear G, Someone told me yesterday that you might have cheated on me. I will say allegedly cheated on me, since I have no real proof. I was a bit in shock since I really didn't feel like you had, but maybe I just ignored the signs. I really am not sure. Part of me wants to ask you directly, but then what will that do for me? If the answer is yes, then I will start the hurt all over and who needs that. If the answer is no, I may still not believe you since you are a master at lying to people. So I won't ask, but now I know that I made the right decision to move on. I would never trust you again and I would never believe you anyway. I just get so mad that I trusted you in my home, with my kids and my friends and family and you just f*** me over. I should of known better and I should of not given you the second and third chance that I did. I just loved you and wanted us to work so badly, but it bit me in the arse. So consider this a GOODBYE letter. You are NOT who I thought you were and it is so sad to know that my trust, love and intentions where given to a person who does not deserve one bit of it. J
  12. Day 35 Hard to keep track of the days now, so I'm not sure I will post every day. I'm past 30 days already. Just sucks still and I think about him a lot and wonder if he ever thinks of me. I want this to be over in my mind and heart so I can move on. I have to make new friends as I am alone quite a bit and thats not great either.
  13. Day 33 Its the 4th of July and I know that he is having a blast at his daughters party today, he always talk about her epic July 4th parties. Me, home alone, sad and lonely. I keep thinking next year will be better, all I have is the future. I need friends, but I find that I'm more comfortable alone these days and I'm sure this too shall pass.
  14. Day 32 Today seems to be a bit better then yesterday. Yesterday I was a complete mess after going through old messages on my cell phone. I found two from him, one saying I missed you already and another that said I just wanted to say Good Morning! I've forgotten what his voice sounded like and it put me in a tailspin. I really do miss him so much. Its been 32 days! I still can't believe sometimes that this relationship is over. Such a waste of time and energy.
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