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villagehero

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  1. I can't believe I'm about to type these words. I'm trembling. But it happened—the constant dreams, the intuition I wanted so bad to stop yet would always persist, the blind hope. "I love you. I tried so hard for so many years to force myself to stop loving you, especially after all you did to me, but I ***ing love you and I want to be with you. " 9 years together. 9 years apart. She escaped an absolutely horrendous domestic abuse situation that she kept me (or anyone) from ever finding out about. The DJ. For 7 years she was a victim of physical violence. Her narcissistic abuser would control every ounce of mental capacity from her. And he did so by always reminding her of how bad I was. Of how he would never treat her that way and that no matter what I was the enemy. And when she would step out of line, she would be punished. It broke my heart when I found out. She didn't deserve that. No woman does. It also enraged every cell in my body. I've never wanted so bad to physically hurt someone. But everything finally finally made sense. The arguments between her and I, the negativity, the hate coming from her was simply a symptom. She was ashamed of telling anyone of her predicament yet could not leave so it manifested in anger and resentment. But to me. Thankfully, our daughter was never present and herself not harmed, but I'm afraid it only would of been a matter of time. The last year and a half has been a lesson in empathy and understanding. I became a friend. Someone that she could trust to have her back and protect our daughter. And somehow through all of that and underneath and a decade of separation, our hearts have found each other again. But now I have to figure out my current relationship. The one that I wanted to end but could not due to the pregnancy and legal status. The mother of my other child. A life i've been trying to assimilate and accept but only find myself wanting to leave. Constantly depressed and feeling alien in my own body. Not because she's a horrible partner but because I stayed as a logisitical decision to guarantee my son's mothers' residency here. But deep down in my heart of hearts she wasn't the one I loved. She wasn't my soulmate. "Mary" is who I believed to be my soulmate and one that I lost because of my immaturity, insecurity, and inexperience. She was the song I carried deep in my heart. The love that I would endlessly try to replicate and recreate but failed miserably. The way she loved me was unlike anything I ever had and 9 years later she sings to me once more. This is ***ing crazy. I don't want to hurt anyone but I also realize what all of this means: The beginning of the end and the end of the beginning. VH
  2. Day 2. Yesterday I picked up the baby in the morning. Had a realization that I needed to forgive myself and forgive her in order to truly move on. Went and picked up my daughter and took her to day care. Kept it cordial and quick. During the evening, she sends me a text and it states: Her: This doesn't matter to you.......But I miss my friend.... I find myself very depressed lately and with no one to express these feelings to.. Me: Girl you have someone. His name is XX A.k.a DJ so and so . You can't have me as your emotional shoulder to cry on. Just like I can't see you with another man. I'm sorry but a part of me died when you broke up with me. Now yours is catching up. Her: Yet I can and always will be your shoulder... It's fine.. I'll deal with it on my own Me: I don't want your shoulder right now. I miss your heart. What I know so well. What is what hurts most. I want nothing more than to be there for you, comfort you, and have you smile. But why when at the end of the day you don't want me but as a pañuelo to cry on? When you just toss me aside and go be intimate with someone else???? Wake up Girl. You chose a life without me. What does she expect?? It felt good for her to tell me that but it was shortlived because I (foolishly) checked the DJ's social media and of course they where partying together this past weekend. I really want to achieve friendship but I can't at this moment. And it seems she wants friendship but doesn't understand how 9 YEARS is not an easy thing to get over when you are dumped. She is ok with the friendship since she has someone to mask her feelings...but when he's not there...her loneliness kicks in. I guarantee she won't ever send that sh*t to me on a Saturday..
  3. Day 1. Forgiveness. She is currently VERY interested and actively dating another man. We have our daughter that we must maintain communication for. I still want to reach out to her but I am fighting everything in my power to not do so. Not yet. My goal is to pull a solid 30 days of LC and maybe just MAYBE see where the waters lie. For now, we need more and more distance than ever before. Sometimes it seems as if I'm pushing her into his arms but that is out of my control non the less. This morning I picked up my daughter and saw her at her house. I politely walked in and waited in her living room while she got the baby ready. I don't want to be rude anymore or appear angry or hurt. I wish to simply be. We are communicating only about the baby through text and limited phone calls. We even have calendars synched up so we know the schedules. Very synthetic relationship to what it once was. We will see what happens from here on out.
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