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DancingFool

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DancingFool last won the day on August 8 2022

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  1. Most people are not into drugs......sooo....if you find yourself only meeting those who are doing drugs, you are the common denominator. Put it simply, either you are looking in the wrong places or your picker is broken in some way. If you are into fitness, it shouldn't be hard to meet women who are into the same. However, it does mean that you might need to expand your horizons beyond just working out at the gym and joining into other type of activities that include women, such as co-ed sports. The easiest way to meet those who are like minded is to join co-ed groups. In short, don't just hang out with your buddies or just go to the gym, because that is a limited life that doesn't expose you beyond your usual circle of people. Try to expand your horizons through the things you already like and you'll find someone who is less into partying and more into working out.
  2. You don't. You simply move on from them. Never waste your time telling someone off. They know what they are doing and they don't care. It's on you to understand that and walk away sooner rather than later. At the end of the day, nobody can string you along or breadcrumb you without your permission and active participation. Overall, you'll save yourself a lot of grief if you learn the simple principle that if it's not an enthusiastic YES! then it's a NO. If you have to cajole her, you are wasting your time. Look for a woman who actually wants you as much as you want her and when you meet her, you'll find that dating her is easy and fun rather than pain and drama.
  3. When intrusive, obsessive thoughts like this get to a point where it's affecting the quality of your life and relationships with people, it's time to seek professional help. On that note, undiagnosed and untreated issues get worse with age, which is exactly what you are experiencing. Please get proper help as this is well beyond the scope of well meaning chat boards.
  4. ....Extremely..... Not only are you ignoring a forest of red flags, you have flashing neon danger signs punching you in the face and you are still playing ignorant. Does it really not occur to you that the reason his marriage is a shambles (allegedly) is because he is a chronic sleazy cheater? Do you really not get that the reason he got his wife back is because he did exactly what millions of creeps like him do the world over - beg and cry and plead and promise that he is a changed man who will never cheat on her again? Of course now that she bought the lie he is right back to it with you and others. Do you really not understand that you aren't a special snowflake but rather a perfect victim to a predatory creep who can see a mile away that you are desperately thirsty and willing to do anything....not to mention that you seem to have lost your moral compass and common sense completely? Sweetie.....go take a long cold shower and buy a d$ldo and once that battery runs out....see if you still see this creep as your soulmate. My bet is you won't. Put it simply, get your head out of arse before you destroy your life.
  5. Why now all of a sudden? Five years of silence is a very long time...... Anyway, he was a friend, so you could always just reach out and see how he is. That's not meddling in anything. Worst that can happen is he'll ignore you or be temporarily excited to catch up and then fade out. Then again, maybe he needs a friend since his marriage sounds abusive. It's only meddling if you actually start meddling in his life rather than treating him as a friend.
  6. That makes perfect sense since you are both a very important friend to her husband and also one she hasn't actually met, been able to develop a relationship with and doesn't know at all really. To her, you are a complete stranger for all means and purposes. So, consider a more bening perspective that she was heavily prego, stressed, lots of stuff goes on those last days and did not want the pressure of this visit/meeting in the state she was in. Even if she was being passive aggressive about it, it's forgivable and doesn't mean she is some monster. I think your own guilt is playing heavily into this in terms of missing the wedding because you were sick. Why do you feel such guilt over something that could not be helped? Something to deal with internally. Also, probably best that you do accept the simple reality that this trip was poorly timed, including the whole last hurrah theme about it. Don't throw away your friendship. Do get a grip on your emotions. If you do plan to visit them, plan better and opt to stay in a hotel so you don't burden them even if they invite you to stay at their home. That will give all of you a safe zone of sorts to both connect, reconnect and also have some space. After all, you haven't seen your friend in person for years and you are a total stranger to his wife.
  7. Leases have out clauses in case of domestic violence/abuse type situation. Read your lease and talk to your landlord and let them know that you need to terminate and get out of the lease on those grounds. However, don't approach that until you have a safe place lined up. Also, call an abuse hotline for additional assistance and information on how to leave the dangerous situation you are in. You'll get constructive practical advice for free on how to handle things. Yes, that does mean quietly finding a new place. Making sure he doesn't know where you go. Leaving when he isn't around. Quietly get important documents out of the place and take them to someone you trust for safekeeping, preferably someone he doesn't know. Be sure he doesn't notice. Once you do leave him, be sure you block all communication so you don't keep falling back into this toxic on/off again mess. Also, sit yourself down and figure out why you are so desperate to be with a man, any man, no matter how abusive he is. Why are you willing to put up with drugs and abuse just to call yourself Mrs???? Especially so, since this isn't your first rodeo choosing badly and ending up in a toxic relationship. You need to fix yourself and what's driving these decisions within you. Do not date, do not get involved with anyone until you actually sort yourself out properly and fix your picker for good.
  8. It's not very "devoted Christian" or simply not very decent to be in a relationship with one woman and also seek to be emotionally close to another woman at work, considering that he started getting more close to you while still dating someone else. I think you might want to remove those blinkers from your eyes about him and how you see him. He is just a man and one who is crossing some boundaries and raising some potential red flags. Basically, I agree with @Andrina that statements like he would be gutted or you are his #1 are quite dramatic and intense and not in a good or desirable kind of way. If you like your job and do not wish to end up in a messy work relationship drama, I'd quietly pull way back from this and keep things strictly professional going forward. Reduce contact and keep to work talk only.
  9. OK, I still stand by what I said that she is messing you about and that you are too old to be this gullible. This young woman clearly has issues and should be single and getting herself sorted out instead of playing dangerous games with various men that are way too old for her. She is still very much toxic and as such is making toxic decisions for herself. The better question is why are you still involved? Don't play Capt'n-save-a-ho.
  10. Sounds like she is messing about with you for sh$ts and giggles. Consider that the guy blowing up her phone wasn't so much a crazy ex but rather that she was leading him on and messing him about same way she is doing to you now. You've literally stepped into the dude's shoes. Methinks you are a bit too old to be so gullible. Drop her and move on.
  11. Like I said, when a situation leaves you feeling like that, it's your giant clue that you need to walk away. You are feeling like that because your gut won't stop ringing alarm bells no matter how much you try to silence them. Again, always listen to your gut instinct because it's never wrong. As for her ex, it's not that she wants to be with him exclusively or directly, it's that she enjoys playing you and him against each other and getting attention from both. This is what toxic looks like, along with the anxiety and exhaustion you are feeling. As for being on a break, there are no breaks in relationships. Either you are together or you are broken up. Being on a break is just adding more confusion and dysfunction to an already dysfunctional situation. So is the ongoing contact between you. Just break up and stop the contact. Reason for stopping all contact is that once you do that, yes it will feel bad for a bit, but after some time it gives you a chance to calm down and see things rationally, rather than boiling in emotions all the time. Continuing to talk is like constantly peeling your scab off, so your wound never heals and eventually starts to fester. In relationship terms, this constant contact is preventing you from healing, moving on, and eventually meeting someone better suited for you. A huge part of finding the right partner is your capacity to weed out the wrong ones quickly and cleanly. That does mean, unfortunately, that while you date, you will probably end up having some bad experiences like this one. The key is to listen to your instincts and walk away sooner rather than later.
  12. OP, when you find yourself in a situation where you are doing all kinds of fancy mental gymnastics trying to convince yourself that your partner is good and honest, but you still cannot shake off that icky sick feeling in your stomach..... Listen to your gut and walk away. Healthy relationships do not ever involve this kind of drama. She didn't lie to protect you, she lied to protect herself. Mainly because if you and this guy had met, it would have likely come out pretty fast that there is a lot more between them and that a lot of the bad things she has said about him were made up lies. Also, you likely would have discovered that she has said terrible things about you to him. Consider how willing he was to play along with her request. In his mind, it was her and him against you. Logically, she had to have made you out to be crazy long before this incident. Beware of people who badmouth their ex's because they'll badmouth you too. It's a huge red flag. It's also a manipulative kind of behavior. Bottom line is she is playing you and him both and loving the attention. This is where you need to set aside your emotions, think rationally, and realize that this entire situation is not normal, not OK and not something you should be participating in. In your shoes, I'd set her free yesterday.
  13. Dating is like that. If you aren't attracted, you aren't attracted. You can't have a romantic relationship with someone you aren't attracted to. You wouldn't mind if she jumped you but ..... that's callous.... Don't ask her for another date and move on to other women. Try to get out of your head a little bit. Less judgmental, more just go see how things are in real life. Most matches you meet will not be a good match. Dating is a marathon not a sprint.
  14. When you choose to allow and accept that, then it absolutely IS your responsibility to reciprocate and pay them back. If you don't like that, then STOP using them to benefit yourself and start paying contractors to get the work done instead and buy your own stuff with your own money. Problem solved.
  15. That's because he was literally besotted with her and didn't give a flying rat's rear end about you, your relationship, or any consequences at all. In short, he didn't think he'd ever get caught. If you stay with him, you are literally accepting a cheating partner because I can guarantee you that there will be another "jezebel" and another and so on. Some you might find out about, others probably not. After getting caught, cheaters get more clever and more careful. Of course, he will always be the helpless victim because....you know.....she decided she wants him...the jezebel with magic superpowers he, a mere mortal man, couldn't resist. OP, it's hard and shocking to deal with betrayal from a partner but please don't start betraying yourself and lying to yourself about who it is you are shacking up with. He is a liar and a loser and this won't be your first tango with him cheating on you and probably already isn't the first. It's just one he got caught in. Cheaters don't suddenly wake up and grow a different set of values and character, although they are very very good at playing the victim and lying and convincing you to be the fool who keeps giving more chances. He isn't chasing you because he cares, only because it's hard to find another woman who will buy his bs like you are doing.
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